Okay, time for beating the second monster.

[metal22]

So I've decided to start a new journal for myself.  Although I'm a porn addict and always will be I'm coming to realize I have another character flaw that has a awfully close feeling to an addiction. 
That monster is my self absorbed way of life.  Its inherent in me,  been here my whole life.  It was patterned to me by my whole family growing up,  and its just continued.  Maybe thats partially why up until d-day I generally didnt have much remorse for my porn addiction. 
Ive given this character flaw some thought.  Ive read a couple books,  and made attempts at getting better but just like my porn addiction I think its best beat by constant reforcement by daily accounting (like in this journal) to myself and everyone here.  There is no "just changing my attitude" like I was flipping a switch.  I'd imagine some can do that but daily accountability is what works best for me.
I'd like to put down in words what my wife has set for boundaries for me and our relationship.  Then I can reflect on them daily and record my progress (and setbacks). 
So the three main things that she needs for recovery is:
*taking the initiative to discuss both of our recoveries
* scheduling date nights and more intimacy
* and complete truth and transparency
There are more things that I need to work on but starting here will get me to move forward,  and then I can stack more on as my better habits are built.

 

[Gracie]

Hey Metal!  So maybe think of the self-absorption as inward or internal living.  What do I need out of every situation?  This is how the inward thought works.  Or what's in it for me?  What is my payoff?

So if our kids want us to play a game, one thought is, Gee I like hearing my kids laugh and I like the game so why not?  Or it could be, if I play this game my kids will leave me alone for awhile and my wife will get off my case about not helping with the kids.  And in the second one there will be much more tension because we want it done quick.

On the other hand, non-self absorbed is reaching out and truly sharing yourself with others.  Living externally.  What I can do with others.  Interaction.  Talking, laughing, playing, eating with others. 

When your wife says initiate conversation, our men tell us they are sorry, they did not mean to hurt us, they were someone else.  They won't do it again.  What they do not do is say, Sit down I want to talk to you about what happened from my perspective.  Not recount the details, but what was in your head.  Emotions. 

Just my 2 cents.

 

[metal22]

Hey Gracie,  thanks for your thoughtful response.  I think you are touching on something very important.  The older I get the more time is important to me.  Your kids playing idea is an excellent example of can go on in my head.  I over schedule myself,  then get pissy when I don't have relaxation time.  Its rather ridiculous when I step back and look at it.
Malando said something that I felt was very correct about myself (thanks btw!).  He said that I have a tendency to "look forward" to things,  and not really live in the present.  I have been doing that for as long as I can remember.  There is always something that is bigger or better,  or some project that I love dreaming about.  I'd bet you can guess the result.  Once I get into it,  and reality set in I burn out.  Then it's on to something new.  I'm pretty sure that this has been a secondary way for me to get that Dopamine hit.  And with my mind clear from the crap from porn,  I'm seeing now this other problem. 
We haven't had much time to connect today.  I need to make sure I don't work so late that we don't have any connection time.

 

[metal22]

Day 3.
Another busy day.  I helped the kids with some homeschooling today and it felt good to connect with them.  I hope they learn okay with me.  I made sure I was patient with them,  and when they came to me with questions I took the time to answer them.  I recall many times in the past when I snapped at them.
My wife and I haven't had tons of time to connect.  Something came up today that I hadn't communicated (about scheduling).  She seemed slightly put off that I didn't communicate it.
I have to be honest,  communication is tough for me.  I'm not sure if other couples constantly communicate everything to each other,  but I can't seem to.  It's not that I'm hiding things,  or purposefully being deceitful,  it's just I forget.  We will have conversations about all kinds of things,  and so something else just doesn't pop into my brain.  Not sure how others handle that. 
Working on scheduling a double date with someone else whom we seem to connect with.  I'll try to tell her tonight lol.

 

[metal22]

Day 5,
So Im dealing with the biting off more than you can chew.  Ive probably done this 100 times before.  Im so swamped I have to read my wifes journal to know what going on with her.  Its bad...
In the past when I get here (happens every time),  I deal retroactively with a bunch of stuff.  I flake on people,  try to placate others,  sometimes lie to by myself more time on stuff.  The more I look at it the more I think Im an addict of this behavior too.
So what am I going to do differently?  In the past I would procrastinate,  or just not communicate with people.  Not own up to my behavior,  or even admit fault.  I think communication is one I can work on.  Letting people know i'm swamped,  or behind,  and to apologize.  Thats a start at least.  I did that sucessfully with some customers today that I've been falling behind on their order. 
I could also be more cognizant of the promises I made my family about the house and the time frames.  They have already extened grace,  but that doesnt mean i shouldnt still be appreciative.

 

[malando]

Metal, keep in mind that it's better to do fewer things well than it is to do many things poorly. Focus on quality rather than quantity.

 

[metal22]

Very true Malando!
We had a good weekend,  and we spent a good deal of time together which was nice.  We were busy the whole time so we didn't have much time for deeper connection with conversation,  which I feel bad about.  I should have made more time for that.  Taking about emotions,  and especially bringing up conversation about them is still a major struggle of mine.
I did arrange a double date for us with another couple who has kids our own kids age.  Our son has struggled to make any lasting friends,  as it has been really difficult to find kids his age.  I hope something can come of it.

 

[workingonit]

Hello Gracie, Just read your last paragraph which is well worth the 2 cents.

Having repressed my emotions for a lifetime it is very hard to control them in the moment. It is like I am full and over flowing and looks like it is going to mean the end of my relationship.

I do just that, start trying to counter what they are saying. My problem is that we are both reactive, it is hard to find a way to deregulate at the time.  I am constantly 'flighting' to avoid the fighting but this is no way to react as then I need to come back and try to patch up.

Any ideas as I am in a constant state of distress thinking my relationship will be over.
Thanks you!

 

[Gracie]

Hey, workingonit,  get the book Hold Me Tight Seven Conversations by Sue Johnson.  It is precisely about communicating and how to overcome the "flight" response.  It has an aqua blue cover

This book is amazing.  My husband and I were afraid to talk about things as well.  Do you have a journal?  I could post there.  Or feel free to PM me.

You can get through this!

 

[metal22]

Day 12,
Still have a long way to go.  We had a double date this week that went well despite our friend from out of town.  It was good to just have a nice dinner conversation.
I think our friend visiting has been a trigger for my wife.  I feel like there are some raw feelings about the whole thing but she has been holding it together.  We have been super busy this week and haven't had a good chance to talk about it.  Our friend might be moving here eventually,  which we will need to process and talk about.  She is in no way a trigger for me,  and she wasnt a target on my FB fetish,  but still it's a trigger for my wife.  Hopefully we have a good chance to talk this weekend after our friend leaves.

 

[malando]

Day 12,
Still have a long way to go.  We had a double date this week that went well despite our friend from out of town.  It was good to just have a nice dinner conversation.
I think our friend visiting has been a trigger for my wife.  I feel like there are some raw feelings about the whole thing but she has been holding it together.  We have been super busy this week and haven't had a good chance to talk about it.  Our friend might be moving here eventually,  which we will need to process and talk about.  She is in no way a trigger for me,  and she wasnt a target on my FB fetish,  but still it's a trigger for my wife.  Hopefully we have a good chance to talk this weekend after our friend leaves.

Sounds like you're aware of what could come up for your wife - that's very promising. I think the main thing is that you always take her triggering events seriously. Good that this person wasn't part of the addiction too. Keep on going, man!

 

[metal22]

So the end of week two has been a failure.  I havent met even my own expectations of what I should be doing,  nor have I met the boundaries set by my wife for her healing.  I have let others expectations of me rule me this week,  and as a result allowed stress in.  I think I let my priorities shift to easily. Its like I try to solve problems one by one.  My wife's boundaries are perfectly reasonable,  and I'd imagine most on this forum would be able to reach them without a problem,  yet I cant seem to do it. 
Well,  tomorrow will start day 1 again. 

 

[TakeActionNow]

Metal,
Setbacks are your biggest teachers.
You must learn from this experience why you slipped. Only knowing can you make improvements.
Do not be hard om yourself.
Make this lesson count.

 

[metal22]

Day 1,
Feeling a bit more impowered today.  Had more discussion last night,  and a bit today.  Started finally reading Love you Hate the porn.  I think reading helps me liberate my thoughts and kinda helps give me perspective into my own behavior.  I was reading about a couple who were dealing with things post d-day but only a couple weeks in.  It pained me to see the husbands responses because that was me.  I was no different.

 

[metal22]

Day 3,
I opened up about some emotions I was feeling today.  My wife helped me work through it and it felt really good.  It was like "bam" the resentment cloud kinda dissipated into the sky.  It also made me feel stupid that I don't share more with my wife about my emotions (like when we aren't in a disagreement).  She has requested that of me,  and it's for my own good as well as hers.

 

[metal22]

Just checking in.  Im still around and still trying.  Still learning about my emotions and how to experience and deal with them.  Will say more when life slows just a bit.

 

[metal22]

Day 13,
Things are going okay.  I've been second guessing myself a bit lately.  If things are going well  I ask am I just letting things go back to the way they have been or am I progressing?  Stress is a constant factor,  but I'm doing fairly well of not letting it consume me.  I'm also trying to create balance in my life with family,  work and house.  There is so much more work to be done on myself it feels monumental at times,  but the steps forward feel good.  I've also been attempting to allow myself to feel my emotions,  of which I still feel like I'm only feeling the strongest of them currently. 

 

[RealityCheck]

Metal,

Great work on getting to two weeks!  It's important to keep in mind that this takes time.  Realistically, when you shift habits and lifestyle, you won't see noticeable change for around 6 months, but that change is PERMANENT as long you maintain the habits. 

Your comment about feeling good about taking steps forward reminds me of my favorite definition of success, "the progressive realization of a worthy goal."  It is not dependent on actually attaining what you're looking for, it's centered around PROGRESS and moving forward. As long as you are doing that, you will feel good.