Let the Inner Light Shine

Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
Day 3 (First entry)

I'm starting to share here on what is Day 3 of my reboot, after many attempts in the past.  This time is qualitatively different, and I want to record it here to encourage, and be encouraged by, others on the journey.

The difference is that I come at this when circumstances in my life are reshaping my identity and creating and enforcing the habits of a new self are more possible than before. First, I recently turned down a great career opportunity to be able to spend more time with my wife -- the first time I have not grabbed the next big rung on the career ladder.  The moment I made that decision I felt something shift inside me.  I had just made a real choice -- one with consequences -- that affirmed my love and my intention to live more in the present, no longer motivated by a combination of ambition and anxiety.  I felt a both relief mixed with apprehension at a new direction.

Second, I'm approaching sixty years old, and that milestone on the horizon has made me more aware of the shortness of time.  I've begun to think of the possibilities of living the later stages of my life doing all the things I love and value, forming an alternative career that is more satisfying and allows me to balance good work with the joy of being with my loved ones.  The urgency brought by the awareness of my own mortality has forced me to imagine a better life and to not waste any time getting there.  Part of "getting there," paradoxically, is to be fully present now -- to live the best life I can now.  That means no porn today, and every today that comes after this one.

I've adopted "Inner Light" as my ID here because I believe we all are good and perfect at the core.  Buddhists say that we all have Buddha nature; Christians believe we are God's creation; other religions say similar things about the essential goodness of who we are.  I've stopped thinking of myself as a person who uses porn and instead feel a light inside me. In the words of an old gospel song, I'm going to let it shine.
 
R

Rico

Member
Hullo Inner light,
Your post is positively inspirational! Indeed you have made the moves in  the correct direction, for the very best of reasons and I wish you so much success and happiness as you reboot. I am a few days off the 90 day mark and must reiterate the joy of finding an new ME and look forward to life without porn which all but destroyed me.
KEEP STRONG my friend,
Rico
 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
Day 5

Tempted, but didn't go there!  One thing I'm grateful for is that after only five days I'm getting erect very easily.  Had a nice session in bed with my wife yesterday morning, made better by my abstinence from PMO.

I also had the flu and as a result got off of all of my routines, e.g., morning exercise, sleep patterns, etc.  In the past that has created stress the would trigger PMO, but not this time (stress,  yes, PMO, no).

Onward!
 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
Day 6

A lot of things are happening to me now that are very stressful -- work is really crazy, I'm coming off a flu, one of my beloved cats is dying, I had to drop out of a course I was taking to devote more time to my job -- but nonetheless I feel detached from all this and not affected by the stress.  It hasn't triggered PMO as it would have in the past.  I'm not certain how to account for this but I think it's a combination of having developed a new self image that does not include being a porn addict and being so mad at myself for squandering my life on PMO in the past that I've developed a new kind of determination.  It's not willpower.  It's a kind of righteous rage at anything that would steal life (love, intimacy and connection to others) away from me.  I know that if I allow that to happen will I have no one to blame but myself.  I am mastering myself, not by the brute force of willpower, but by completely aligning myself to what is good. 

Quitting porn will not make my life perfect, but it will be a lot more perfect than it was!
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Light,

you are absolutely right.

we are gaining real life back.

joy pain gain loss. all these are real

and its wonderful, so wonderful.

PMO is plastic, false, fake. Real life is infinitely better.

Do not think of stress and escape. Think of growth and gain.

Nothing but gain, even in loss, even in pain. Everything is gain, this is beautiful life.

 
M

MonkeyShark

Member
Thanks for sharing your story InnerLight. I like what you have to say and relate to where you are in your life and the choices you are making for yourself.

I read a book recently about staying present in the midst of challenge and chaos called the practicing mind. I wrote a thread about it in the porn addiction forum. For me personally, it has provided me with something I haven't experienced much in my life, inner contentment and calm with a determination to back it up. I feel that coming from your posts, how you describe your shifts and your righteous rage choosing what is right for you. I like how you are not relying on willpower, but something much deeper to drive you towards what really matters.

I'm personally a cat guy and have always formed strong bonds with animals very quickly, so I'm sorry to hear about your cat.

I think about what the author from when breath becomes air said. Diagnosed with a terminal disease him and his wife decide to have a child before he dies. When asked about that making it more painful and harder to leave this world, he replied with, wouldn't it be great if it did? To me this says we have the choice to live life fully, with our hearts and not just our minds. The stronger connection to others and what matters the most creates a fulfilling life.
 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
Thank you, MonkeyShark.  I truly appreciate your words of support and your insights -- and your sympathy for my cat (who has made a surprising recovery).

I love the anecdote you share about the terminally ill man and his wife deciding to have a child.  It's tempting to want to escape the pain of living (through porn, drugs, or whatever), but it's a false view of the world, because the joy of life comes from connections to others and those, like everything else, are temporary and thus inherently painful.  Embracing the joy and the pain of life is really what to aim for.  I think of the spirit of blues music, which is about loss but is so joyful in its expression.
 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
Day 1/10

October 1st!  Even though this is day 10 of my reboot, I want to make October 1st the milestone date that I remember in the future.  It's just easier to associate the beginning of success with the start of the month, particularly for some reason one that is all ones and zeros.  Perhaps that's my idiosyncrasy, but I think symbolism is important in achieving anything important, most of the work that we need to do first happens in our imaginations. 

So, the first ten days were a good warm-up, and now I'm well into what is going to be a total reboot.

I mentioned in my first journal entry that a reboot is possible for me in large part because of changing life circumstances.  I'd also add that these circumstances would mean nothing if I weren't being deeply reflective about them.  There is nothing special about my circumstances except that they have caused me to reflect on my life more deeply than I had before.

A conversation with a dear friend this morning helped me to understand that my past desire to change jobs was a pattern of trying to escape pain, and what I need to do now is go toward the pain.  Persist, make things better, but detach myself.  I'm adopting a more stoic attitude towards my life even while feeling all of its joys and pains. 

 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
My biggest enemy in all of this is negative self-talk, which happens in situations that trigger stress (mostly all at work).  What I have to keep reminding myself is that I can choose how I react to a stressful situation, and the self-talk at times of stress trigger is the mean of choice.  The porn habit really didn't come from sexual desire; it was a way to self-medicate, to create pleasure that would smooth over pain.
 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
That is also my experience. That porn use isn't the result of a good strong healthy sex drive -in reality it is a drug to cover up my pain or to distract me from it.
It is interesting, and useful to develop awareness of how our triggers and our self talk/thoughts, stress and tiredness and the like all affect us and are related to each other, I'm finding. So much of our behaviour seems to be automatic reaction.
I'm enjoying your posts as I find I can relate to much of what you are saying. Your goals and your methods. Good to have you here and good luck with your reboot
 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
I'm returning to this formal after an absence of many months -- good ones.

An update:  While I have not been entirely PMO free during my absence, it has lost almost all of its hold on me.  The main reason for this is that I've deepened my mindfulness meditation practice and have been able to short circuit the urges.  Every time they're short circuited, they're weakened.  The urges will never entirely go away (part of meditation practice is to understand that urges always come and go, like waves or clouds) but I'm confident I can avoid responding to them going foreward.  That's why I'm returning to this journal.  I'm at a point now where I think I'm not entirely rewired, i.e., returned to normal sexual response and intimacy with my wife that does suffer from PMO-induced complications, but feel like I am on top of the urges to the point where I won't give in and reinforce them.  We'll see. That's what I'll be writing about here.

In case anyone is interested in what I did to deepen my mindfulness meditation practice (which I should emphasize is not religious and so compatible with any faith), I started taking the online meditation courses through Dan Harris's "10% Happier" website and app, at http://www.10percenthappier.com/.  Also, check out this mindful approach to avoiding relapse:  http://www.inquiringmind.com/Articles/SurfingTheUrge.html/.  You just need to remember the acronyms S.O.B.E.R and P.I.G.!

 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
This past weekend, I got around to closing accounts that I had opened for my porn gratification: an online chat service, pseudonym Skype account, pseudonym Yahoo mail account, pseudonym Craigslist account.

I don't feel the need to use porn blockers on my computer, and I've never looked at porn on my phone (never even tempted, for some reason) so I'm probably good there. So I've disable the technology. 

One thing I've noticed since deepening my mindfulness meditation is the frequency at which the waves of temptation pass through me when I'm sitting at a computer, alone in my house when my wife goes out.  The waves are sometimes every few seconds, like the ocean at the beach.  I'm using the S.O.B.E.R technique to just let them pass: http://www.inquiringmind.com/Articles/SurfingTheUrge.html
 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
One thing I'm find useful when I'm hit with urges is to expand my thinking (the "E" in S.O.B.E.R.) and consider how I will feel afterwards if I give in.  The converse of that, and an accompanying thought, is to consider how great I'm going to feel when I've totally rebooted and have put PMO behind me.  PMO addiction has really damaged my self-esteem, leading to a lot of negative self-talk.  What I'm aiming for now the day -- specifically May 3rd -- when I'll declare myself rebooted and cutting that source of negative self-talk off at the root.

May 3rd is our wedding anniversary, and the main thing that motivates me in this reboot and awakening of my mindfulness is a focus on how it will allow me to be more giving in my marriage, and in all my relationships. 
 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
Day 1/60

Bad relapse yesterday.  But I'm stronger still, and now setting my sites on sixty days from now, which was my original goal of May 3rd. I'm going to make it, despite this setback.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Recovery is like a wave.
It takes time, it comes back, but it will slowly and surely recede.

Additionally, time away will diminish the association.

Keep busy
Keep strong

You will be free
 
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