article on gaslighting.

[malando]

Very interesting accounts in here, people - thank you for sharing.

Since i found out about the term gaslighting, it's been very helpful for me in terms of understanding the mechanism people use to abuse others. Previously, I always tried to break everything down into past trauma, experiences, motivations, tactics and behaviours when trying to understand why people were behaving the way they were. But I think it's very helpful to understand the broader concept of gaslighting as an overall strategy that many people use to get people right where they want them. Sure, there are many and varied reasons for how they ended up this way, but in the end, being a gaslighter becomes a modus operandi for a lot of people. It's how a lot of people go through life avoiding responsibility for themselves and transferring it onto others.

I've come to see that I have had a lot of this from my family - they have always liked to define me in ways that make it easy to shoot down what I'm feeling or saying. I'm a real justice seeker who likes to pull things out of the shadows and expose the lies, so it's made for some fiery confrontations over the years. They probably think it's ok to do what they do because I'm so vocal in my opposition and I stand my ground. It looks like I'm willing to take it, but actually it still hurts to be gaslit. It's knowing that somebody is toying with how you feel, with your vulnerabilities, and not giving a crap because they want to win the argument or defend themselves from criticism. Gaslighting is intensely cowardly. The more people who know about this, the better off society will be.

I think this is a key to knowing who will and who won't 'gaslight' in a situation. I have found that anyone who feels like truth is a weapon, they use gaslighting as a perceived 'counterattack'. My husband's response to truth is initially defensiveness. He doesn't get angry or yell, but he immediately shuts down. Truth is so foreign to him that he feels backed into a corner or he feels he is being attacked or harmed when confronted with truth. He once tried to talk to his father about things between us and his dad literally told him, "I don't even want to hear about other people's business. I will just support you in whatever you choose." Mind you - it was my husband that had cheated and lied and imploded the family. His dad started to 'reach out' to him by sending him virtual cards all about "hang in there during the storm" and telling him what a wonderful son he was. It was like, he had to ramp up the ego building in my husband at the first glimmer of my husband seeing himself as the person he was exhibiting at the time.

So, I have learned to sit back and see how people respond to truth and honestly and if they get angry or frustrated or start to act attacked, I steer clear of those type of people. They see truthful people as individuals that need to be conquered and silenced. It becomes a competition to them and they aren't happy until you are crushed, sometimes even publicly.

Thankyou stillme, that's a very interesting take on things. I think you are right - gaslighting is a counterattack to truth! It's not just somebody wanting to defend their reputation and deflect criticism (although that's part of it), but also because they know that they really don't stand up to the test of truth. Truth-tellers are very intimidating to habitual liars. Liars deep down know that they are not measuring up, but for some reason they put an inordinate amount of effort into backing up their lies with phony evidence and gaslighting rather than just do the obvious, and tell the truth! One can only assume that gaslighters believe the only way they'll hang on to what they have is to lie and squirm to maintain what they what to be the status quo. ie. constancy and stability.  The constancy and stability of their gaslighting is what drives their partners mad because it's relentless and it leads to a total cognitive dissonance. "what I feel is illogical and untrue". It's an appalling contradiction to live in.