TheRaucousHippo
Member
Hey guys,
Today, October 16,2017, is the first day that I have ever opened this site or posted in a porn addiction support forum. i am a 21 year old college student studying political science, international studies and spanish. I come from a caring, supportive, family. Both my parents were alcoholics from the time they were children and also struggled with drug addiction. Both participated in AA and have been clean for more than 30 years.
I first fell into the trap of pornography and masturbation when I was ten. in fourth grade I was in a Gifted Education program. We had a great deal of freedom and internet access. A friend of mine who was a little older sent me an email (back when email was a very new thing) that said something along the lines of "google naked girls. trust me." or something similar. He was in 5th grade. i did. That was my first exposure. I did not know at the time what masturbation was. i just knew that this was something that excited me that I was not supposed to be doing. With the infinite wisdom of ten year olds, we started using the school computers in my Gifted Program class to look up porn. We were not very thorough and were caught pretty quickly. The older kid, whose mom was a teacher, flipped on me. He claimed that I was the one that instigated it and drew him in. that i was the one that did it. His mom believed him. So did the administration. I got in a ton of trouble and had to confess what I did to my mother, in the principal's office, the same day.
Naturally this looked really bad for my gifted education teacher, and older woman who had been my teacher since kindergarten. She was an incredible teacher and mentor. i loved her like an aunt. After this episode she hated me. I caused her shame and disgrace. I was a 'bad kid'. She almost removed me from the program, but I think that my mother pleaded with here to let me stay.
I don't remember the next time I looked at porn after this. it was a while. I was scarred and a bit traumatized by how things went down the first time, but once I knew it was there, that it was an option, I eventually went back to it.
I remember sitting at my family's desktop computer in the kitchen at night looking at porn. It was fairly infrequent and I hadn't really gotten the idea of masturabation. I did it anyways. When i got my first ipod touch was when things go out of control. i was probably about 12 or 13 at the time. I remember thinking "oh wow. Now I can do this from my bed (which was lofted), whenever I want. This spiralled out into hours of me wathicng porn and masturabating afterschool when I arrived at home. It became something that I did up to three times a day. Even as a young kid I quickly blew through vanilla content and ended up watching some really hardcore stuff.
This continued all through my teenage years. During that whole time there was one time where I remained abstinent for about 8 months. Besides that time, the longest that i ever achieved was about 30 days and only a few times. It was a daily thing. By the time I was 14-15 I understood that it was affecting me socially. I was terrified that, at any moment, all these other people around me would know what I was doing, how depraved i was. it kept me from socializing and connecting with others. I knew what the cause was, but I had tried to beat it and failed. I couldn't win. I hated it. I hated and do hate that part of myself. I thought that I would have to hate myself for the rest of my life.
I had several relationships in this time. Really just two. Freshman and sophomore year I dated two girls for less than two months. This had no effect on the amount of porn that i watched or the amount that I masturbated.
Then I got into a significant relationship. One that would last almost four years (16 years old to 20 years old). The girl was sweet, easy, and liked me. There were long standing incompatibilities that made that relationship dysfunctional that i will get into in another post.
During this relationship I passed a lot a milestones. i lost my virginity, graduated, started college, and did a long distance thing with here (about 2 hours) for two years. During this time my porn habits barely changed. i watched and masturbated everyday. There were some times when I felt strong that i went about 30 days, but then relapsed. i lurked on subreddits such as NoFap and other support and relationship forums, but i was also using reddit for porn so it didn't really help.
That relationship ended in the winter of 2016. She was a bit narcissistic and I was being treated pretty badly. I left that relationship. I still struggled iwth pon addiction.
I was single for a while. It took some time for me to recover from the end of that relationship. During this time I watched porn and masturabated less frequently than before. I felt good. alive. And then I reconnected with a friend of mine. She and I had always had a deep, deep emotional connection when I was dating the other girl. I ignored, suppressed and fought it because I could feel, even vaguely, that the emotional connection between her and i was much more powerful than any of my ideals of honor, or respect, or relationships. This struggle caused me to put up walls against her through our friendship. At the point that we were reconnecting we had not spoken for about six months (the time period where my previous relationship was in its death spiral. We started talking, we discovered that the other had always felt that deep connection, but we had both tried to hide it. We started dating. We realized that we had loved each other for a long time. She is my other self (this comes from stranger in a strange land. The idea of water brotherhood and all it entails. I was in our bed, half asleep, while she was showering and distinctly remember thinking "Where is my other self? When will she come back?"
Needless to say this relationship is the most important thing in the world to me. It's still young, but it's the one that I want. She is the one that I want. We have grown closer and talked through more problems than i ever experienced in my previous four year relationship. We fit together.
For the first few months that we were together I was never tempted and never had the urge to look at other women, masturabate, or look at porn. During this time i told her (lets call her Jane) that "i used to do this in my previous relationship that was bad and i have never had to do that with you. "
This went on for a while. And then we had some hard times. We had hard talks and discussions that kept us emotionally separated for a few days......and i felt it come back. I felt the urge to go on my phone and look and masturbate. i felt lonely and sad. Previously, for ten years, when my body has felt this way its habit was to look at porn and get that dopamine and maybe feel a little less sad or a little less alone. And each time the shame grew in the background and locked me into my own loneliness.
I had thought that this addiction was gone. That Jane, and our love and healthy relationship was the cure. When I realized it was back I was so scared. I did not want this thing that was solely mine to hurt her or the relationship. It is the most important thing to me.
So I decided that, because the urges and frequency were so much better, I would try to handle it on my own. I thought that because the addiction had a lesser hold on me I could defeat it without ever having to hurt her or us with it.
The other night we were talking about a slightly related topic that was pretty hard. I had buried myself in so much shame about bringing this into the relationship that I had never before felt that I could tell her, but in that moment, when she brought up that she used to struggle with it a long time ago, I thought that I could do it. That I had a chance. That I could finally say that "Hey, baby... beautiful.... I still struggle with this. It's gotten so much better since we've been together and I have almost killed it, but you need to know and I need our help. I need your support. You will be the final things that gets me over the finish line." I thought that in saying this she would understand. That she would be hurt, but would have a lot of compassion and would help me finish this.
I was very very wrong. In her eyes pornography is something that is completely unacceptable in a relationship. It is a violation of intimacy and trust that is very close the the severity of cheating.
I had no idea.
I had no idea that it would hurt her so badly. That it would damage our relationship and our intimacy so strongly. Now she's reeling. I destroyed part of her conception of who i am. She says that she can't be comfortable when I see her naked. When we had sex she used to laugh with joy every time we finished. We had sex the other night and she was almost stone faced. She is so hurt. I was so scared, am so scared, that i have accidentally broken us. That I have broken this beautiful thing that we both share and love so much. That I have destroyed any intimacy that we can have. She is my other self. I have never met someone who has so many functional, emotional, and spiritual compatibilities with me. She is my other self. It feels sometimes like some deep part of my soul is outside of my body. And now that part of me is screaming and reeling in agony that I caused.
I have never taken this addiction as seriously as i would alcohol or drugs. I have never really made the push to fix myself. To reset my brain. To remove years of programming and artificial stimulation that has seeped into my reality and is now poisoning the thing that I care about most in the world. Now I am ready to end it. To do whatever it takes. 12 Steps, Counseling, Medication, Therapy, Couples Counseling.....anything. I love myself. I love her. I cannot allow this part of myself that I despise to destroy our potential, our future lives, our future family.
Please guys. I have not been down this road before. I need advice....help.
Ways to help her to heal and for our relationship to have trust and thrive again.
Ways to bring back intimacy in our lives.
Ways to finally get this demon off my back and out of my brain. This thing that I have been carrying and fighting for so long.
Today, October 16,2017, is the first day that I have ever opened this site or posted in a porn addiction support forum. i am a 21 year old college student studying political science, international studies and spanish. I come from a caring, supportive, family. Both my parents were alcoholics from the time they were children and also struggled with drug addiction. Both participated in AA and have been clean for more than 30 years.
I first fell into the trap of pornography and masturbation when I was ten. in fourth grade I was in a Gifted Education program. We had a great deal of freedom and internet access. A friend of mine who was a little older sent me an email (back when email was a very new thing) that said something along the lines of "google naked girls. trust me." or something similar. He was in 5th grade. i did. That was my first exposure. I did not know at the time what masturbation was. i just knew that this was something that excited me that I was not supposed to be doing. With the infinite wisdom of ten year olds, we started using the school computers in my Gifted Program class to look up porn. We were not very thorough and were caught pretty quickly. The older kid, whose mom was a teacher, flipped on me. He claimed that I was the one that instigated it and drew him in. that i was the one that did it. His mom believed him. So did the administration. I got in a ton of trouble and had to confess what I did to my mother, in the principal's office, the same day.
Naturally this looked really bad for my gifted education teacher, and older woman who had been my teacher since kindergarten. She was an incredible teacher and mentor. i loved her like an aunt. After this episode she hated me. I caused her shame and disgrace. I was a 'bad kid'. She almost removed me from the program, but I think that my mother pleaded with here to let me stay.
I don't remember the next time I looked at porn after this. it was a while. I was scarred and a bit traumatized by how things went down the first time, but once I knew it was there, that it was an option, I eventually went back to it.
I remember sitting at my family's desktop computer in the kitchen at night looking at porn. It was fairly infrequent and I hadn't really gotten the idea of masturabation. I did it anyways. When i got my first ipod touch was when things go out of control. i was probably about 12 or 13 at the time. I remember thinking "oh wow. Now I can do this from my bed (which was lofted), whenever I want. This spiralled out into hours of me wathicng porn and masturabating afterschool when I arrived at home. It became something that I did up to three times a day. Even as a young kid I quickly blew through vanilla content and ended up watching some really hardcore stuff.
This continued all through my teenage years. During that whole time there was one time where I remained abstinent for about 8 months. Besides that time, the longest that i ever achieved was about 30 days and only a few times. It was a daily thing. By the time I was 14-15 I understood that it was affecting me socially. I was terrified that, at any moment, all these other people around me would know what I was doing, how depraved i was. it kept me from socializing and connecting with others. I knew what the cause was, but I had tried to beat it and failed. I couldn't win. I hated it. I hated and do hate that part of myself. I thought that I would have to hate myself for the rest of my life.
I had several relationships in this time. Really just two. Freshman and sophomore year I dated two girls for less than two months. This had no effect on the amount of porn that i watched or the amount that I masturbated.
Then I got into a significant relationship. One that would last almost four years (16 years old to 20 years old). The girl was sweet, easy, and liked me. There were long standing incompatibilities that made that relationship dysfunctional that i will get into in another post.
During this relationship I passed a lot a milestones. i lost my virginity, graduated, started college, and did a long distance thing with here (about 2 hours) for two years. During this time my porn habits barely changed. i watched and masturbated everyday. There were some times when I felt strong that i went about 30 days, but then relapsed. i lurked on subreddits such as NoFap and other support and relationship forums, but i was also using reddit for porn so it didn't really help.
That relationship ended in the winter of 2016. She was a bit narcissistic and I was being treated pretty badly. I left that relationship. I still struggled iwth pon addiction.
I was single for a while. It took some time for me to recover from the end of that relationship. During this time I watched porn and masturabated less frequently than before. I felt good. alive. And then I reconnected with a friend of mine. She and I had always had a deep, deep emotional connection when I was dating the other girl. I ignored, suppressed and fought it because I could feel, even vaguely, that the emotional connection between her and i was much more powerful than any of my ideals of honor, or respect, or relationships. This struggle caused me to put up walls against her through our friendship. At the point that we were reconnecting we had not spoken for about six months (the time period where my previous relationship was in its death spiral. We started talking, we discovered that the other had always felt that deep connection, but we had both tried to hide it. We started dating. We realized that we had loved each other for a long time. She is my other self (this comes from stranger in a strange land. The idea of water brotherhood and all it entails. I was in our bed, half asleep, while she was showering and distinctly remember thinking "Where is my other self? When will she come back?"
Needless to say this relationship is the most important thing in the world to me. It's still young, but it's the one that I want. She is the one that I want. We have grown closer and talked through more problems than i ever experienced in my previous four year relationship. We fit together.
For the first few months that we were together I was never tempted and never had the urge to look at other women, masturabate, or look at porn. During this time i told her (lets call her Jane) that "i used to do this in my previous relationship that was bad and i have never had to do that with you. "
This went on for a while. And then we had some hard times. We had hard talks and discussions that kept us emotionally separated for a few days......and i felt it come back. I felt the urge to go on my phone and look and masturbate. i felt lonely and sad. Previously, for ten years, when my body has felt this way its habit was to look at porn and get that dopamine and maybe feel a little less sad or a little less alone. And each time the shame grew in the background and locked me into my own loneliness.
I had thought that this addiction was gone. That Jane, and our love and healthy relationship was the cure. When I realized it was back I was so scared. I did not want this thing that was solely mine to hurt her or the relationship. It is the most important thing to me.
So I decided that, because the urges and frequency were so much better, I would try to handle it on my own. I thought that because the addiction had a lesser hold on me I could defeat it without ever having to hurt her or us with it.
The other night we were talking about a slightly related topic that was pretty hard. I had buried myself in so much shame about bringing this into the relationship that I had never before felt that I could tell her, but in that moment, when she brought up that she used to struggle with it a long time ago, I thought that I could do it. That I had a chance. That I could finally say that "Hey, baby... beautiful.... I still struggle with this. It's gotten so much better since we've been together and I have almost killed it, but you need to know and I need our help. I need your support. You will be the final things that gets me over the finish line." I thought that in saying this she would understand. That she would be hurt, but would have a lot of compassion and would help me finish this.
I was very very wrong. In her eyes pornography is something that is completely unacceptable in a relationship. It is a violation of intimacy and trust that is very close the the severity of cheating.
I had no idea.
I had no idea that it would hurt her so badly. That it would damage our relationship and our intimacy so strongly. Now she's reeling. I destroyed part of her conception of who i am. She says that she can't be comfortable when I see her naked. When we had sex she used to laugh with joy every time we finished. We had sex the other night and she was almost stone faced. She is so hurt. I was so scared, am so scared, that i have accidentally broken us. That I have broken this beautiful thing that we both share and love so much. That I have destroyed any intimacy that we can have. She is my other self. I have never met someone who has so many functional, emotional, and spiritual compatibilities with me. She is my other self. It feels sometimes like some deep part of my soul is outside of my body. And now that part of me is screaming and reeling in agony that I caused.
I have never taken this addiction as seriously as i would alcohol or drugs. I have never really made the push to fix myself. To reset my brain. To remove years of programming and artificial stimulation that has seeped into my reality and is now poisoning the thing that I care about most in the world. Now I am ready to end it. To do whatever it takes. 12 Steps, Counseling, Medication, Therapy, Couples Counseling.....anything. I love myself. I love her. I cannot allow this part of myself that I despise to destroy our potential, our future lives, our future family.
Please guys. I have not been down this road before. I need advice....help.
Ways to help her to heal and for our relationship to have trust and thrive again.
Ways to bring back intimacy in our lives.
Ways to finally get this demon off my back and out of my brain. This thing that I have been carrying and fighting for so long.
