Alright, let's do this

[NeverEndingBattle]

I'm 23 years old now. I saw one of gabe's video on youtube a year back when I was searching for kegel exercises to have a stronger erection. I wasnt really sure if I had PIED until all of my symtomps (weak erection) agreed with his points, sadly. So I tried quitting masturbation and i managed to abstain myself for roughly 1 month until I finally gave in again.

"I'm just gonna watch porn, see if there's any update, definitely not gonna fap" was what i told myself. Well, it's the biggest bullshit ever. Since then, I went back to my normal masturbation routine. I couldnt quit.

Fastforward to this year january, I cut down my masturbation rate to once per day. I had a successful intercouse with my dick rock hard (I'm not sure why), I thought maybe my PIED condition was getting better. Well, I was wrong. There were a few occasions where my penis failed me, it's fking limp eventhough the girl was on my bed.

Can you imagine how awkward it was ? She was waiting for me to do something and i was trying to get my dick hard. She lost her mood after that and told me thanks for making her sexually frustrated, what else can I say except sorry..I tried to quit masturbation for the 2nd time after that.

We broke off few months ago and again, i went back to PMO. After all, what's the point of abstaining if there's no one to have sex with, right ?  Well, i started masturbating as usual and it took hours searching for the correct stimulation and that's how I fked up my sleep and my studies. I can spent hours masturbating eventhough I need to wake up early or when i have deadlines to meet. And each time after ejaculating, i was mad at myself. WHY THE FUCK DONT I HAVE A BETTER SELF CONTROL.

This time, I am going to quit masturbation for real. I am not going to surf any porn sites to 'check' for updates anymore, im going to stop looking at them for good, my curiosity to check them is the reason why i failed my many attempts at quitting.

Today is Day 2 without PMO. It's 6 am here as im typing this. I'm having the urge to do it, but i will not give in.

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

Day 4 without PMO:

Woke up in the middle of the night with a semi erect penis. I was unable to fall back asleep, the urge to masturbate was getting stronger and brain was filled with porn/sex scene. Felt like rubbing one out so I can fall back asleep. I managed to control myself by meditating. Day 4 without PMO is achieved. Day 5 here I come.

*Constantly reminding myself, im quitting masturbation to cure my PIED, all this is for my own sake. To be a new me by utilizing the time productively.

 

[vince75]

Good job on resisting the urge that night! Stay strong man, and you'll see improvements every day, and a growing desire to put yourself out there with possible partners

Just a small remark: for people reading our posts, certain words can be triggering, this is why we use some abbreviations which can avoid triggers (they don't evoke anything compared to the actual words). Here they are, but basically it's using P, M and O, and some others: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=21.0 I

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

Good job on resisting the urge that night! Stay strong man, and you'll see improvements every day, and a growing desire to put yourself out there with possible partners

Just a small remark: for people reading our posts, certain words can be triggering, this is why we use some abbreviations which can avoid triggers (they don't evoke anything compared to the actual words). Here they are, but basically it's using P, M and O, and some others: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=21.0 I

Thanks for information. I appreciate it ! =D

Day 6 without PMO:

I have been busy trying to settle assignments. Low or no libido at all. I don't feel any excitement, but still feel like M for sake of getting dopamine rush. I will not put my 6 days worth of effort into waste. I have never gotten a wet dream as far as i remember, that shows how frequent I M and why I need to stop. My ultimate goal is to cure PIED, to stop P/M addiction.

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

day 7 without PMO:

no MW. I got back to home from student hostel. Controling myself is getting more difficult as I'll be having a room to myself which I can freely use to watch P anytime i want like i used to. I feel no excitement/motivation/joy/energy even though it's been a week time. I almost wanted to give up and just PMO. I dont think it's because im horny or anything, it's just out of habit or the need for dopamine rush. I managed to distract myself by watching movies and that's the end of day 7.

day 8 without PMO:
no MW. went to gym with friends. I felt so weak, I wasnt able to push like I used to. No appetite to eat. Having mild constant urge to PMO. What i need to know is sex is so much different compared to fapping, fapping feels lonely. Fapping only gives pleasure, which last momentarily and I will probably fap again to get that pleasure due to chaser effect. If I fap, i'll be wasting my 7 days of recovering effort. I need to remind myself that I have an addiction and I need to stop. DO NOT FKING GIVE IN !!

 

[vince75]

Hang in there! The first 10 days are really the most difficult, then you'll feel much better.

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

Hang in there! The first 10 days are really the most difficult, then you'll feel much better.

Thanks vince75, one of the reason why I'm still hanging on is because of everybody in this forum. Knowing I'm not alone. I come here to read everyday and each time I do, I can reduce my desire to PMO.

day 9

day 10

day 11 without PMO:

Checking in. There are times where I stop craving for P and there are times where I just feel like giving up. PMO just for this one time as a reward for hanging on this long. I can feel my resolve wavering, like, who am I doing this for ? But I know if I PMO-ed, I will definitely regret it and fall back to the cycle. I have known this for a long time, I PMO most of the times not because I'm horny, but because I'm bored and it's one way of getting pleasure and killing time. So instead of surfing P, I'm using a social app as a substitute for it. I should probably uninstall it, I can tell I'm spending times looking for girls/sext/stimulation.

Meditating helps me to calm down, definitely recommended. Feeling moody these days, feels lonely even though I have friends, no libido, MW on/off randomly, penis is dead most of the times. Am I experiencing flatline ? Sometimes, I wish I can turn back time and undo the mistakes, play sports/exercise and do muscle building instead of playing with my computer during my teenage years. Well, no point regretting it now, at least I know what is the problem and I still can fix it.

I'll report in again on day 14. Until then, stay strong lads.

 

[vince75]

Don't regret, look ahead, plan ahead. I suggest making a "to-do list" of all the things you could do, that you want to do and never have time / the will to do. Then whenever you're bored or feel like you are wasting time, look at your list and chose something that'll make you happy

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

Don't regret, look ahead, plan ahead. I suggest making a "to-do list" of all the things you could do, that you want to do and never have time / the will to do. Then whenever you're bored or feel like you are wasting time, look at your list and chose something that'll make you happy

Thanks for the suggestion. I just finished my last semester in university so I definitely have a lot free time to do that. Also, thanks for the continuous support bro ! Reading your journal motivates me to go on, seeing how you going to reach your target soon.

day 12
day 13
day 14 without PMO:

So it's been 2 weeks since I last PMO. I've been keeping myself busy by watching movies and hitting the gym. So I chatted online with a girl, she complimented me saying I look good and hot (though I don't think that's true honestly), but that indeed boosted my confidence and further pushed me to stop my PM addiction. My MW is on and off, though it's weak but I'm guessing it's a good sign. Still, I have no libido, actually I'm not even sure what does having a libido feels like. Well, the good thing is I'm using my time to do something beneficial instead of watching P now. Not sure if if abstaining helps, but lately I dont have any acne outbreak anymore. Some would say they are not related and some would argue that MO would trigger acne, but stopping PMO did it for me. I am unsure if I am still in the flatline period, will have to wait longer time to see how it goes.

I'm aiming to cure my PIED by stopping PMO. It's gonna be a long journey and it'll be worth it in the end. That's all lads, stay strong !

 

[Mr_LLAMA]

You got this. Keep up the good work man!

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

You got this. Keep up the good work man!

Thanks man ! I hope you're doing well too.

Day 15
Day 16
Day 17
Day 18
Day 19
Day 20
Day 21 without PMO:

It's been 3 weeks since i last PMO. Had a lewd dream this morning. Dreamt that I was receiving head, then I told the girl to stop because I should not O, cant believe I still remember about PMO even in dream, HAHA. I was busy for these past few days, kept my mind occupied thanks to that. Urges to PMO is not as strong anymore, still no MW, but im hopeful.

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

Day 22
Day 23 without PMO:

So, i was chatting online with this one girl and it lead to sexting. I wasn't feeling very turned on/excited, but still I wanted to try it and see if my dick will respond, I was hoping that some interaction with a girl would trigger something. Unfortunately, my dick couldnt get hard when she asked to see it, I tried getting it hard by stroking it and watching some stimulation, but to no avail, not even 50% erect. I think I took too long trying to get myself hard and it ended up with her ghosting me. Oh well, it's an experiment to test my erection anyway.

What I learned from this is that my libido is still dormant. I wasnt feeling very excited during sexting, my heart was beating quite fast but I have no reaction down there and in my mind I would rather stick to my no PMO than to do sexting actually. I maybe still within the period of flatline. From what I read, some people take weeks until they're finally back into active state, I guess I may need longer time to heal. I'll refrain from sexting from this moment on (not like I can do anything with a limp dick) and just focus on curing my PIED.

I hope that one day, I will read this journal with a big smile on my face, thinking how I managed to get through this and how it has served as an important lesson in my life. Porn did not destroy me, I destroyed myself. My lack of discipline/lack of social interaction with others/with my nonchalant attitude towards everything has made me what I am today, but now, I am presented with a chance to save myself, to change myself and stopping PMO will be the first step. 

That's all lads, let's regain control of our life again ! All the best to whoever fighting the same battle !

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

So it's been quite a while since my last update. It's 2nd of december now as I speak. It's been 43 days since I last had a O watching P. I had days when i had a full hard MW, weak MW, but most of the times just nothing.

So I had just completed my final university semester and went to japan with my friends as a graduation trip. Japan trip was fun and it kept me busy from thinking about PMO. But, it was also kind of a trigger which tempted me to watch some japanese P once i got back from the trip, and that's what I did. At first it was just watching, then it led to M. Eventhough i was M-ing, i managed to stop myself before I O. It was hard to stop once i started, i surfed from site to site, videos to videos and i can feel im returning back to the vicious cycle. I had a clear mind that no ejaculation is allowed, so for the past 3 days i have been basically edging, for hours sometimes.

I was trying to use edging to stimulate my libido and my erection. I notice since long ago, im unable to maintain erection when im standing upright. The reason may be due to im too accustomed to having erection laying down from all the PMO. So, for the past 3 days, i was kinda 'training' myself to maintain erection while standing. I achieved it,  but the erection went down quickly within seconds when there's no physical stimulation. I PM-ed, but i did not O. As a result, I got myself a blue ball and it ache like hell. So, as a lesson, im not doing that again.

Maybe I should listen to sleepking69 advice, not to rush things and just let it be naturally. I have been quite impatient i guess. I wonder how long is it going to take until I can finally be 'cured'.

Lastly, I just wanna wish myself happy birthday. Im feeling a little bit down since she was here to celebrate with my last year, it's been months since we last spoke, i guess she's doing fine with her bf now. Such is life i guess, gotta move on..

That's all lads. I frequent the forum a lot eventhough im not updating my journal. I've been reading some people's progress and i hope you all stay strong and dont give in !

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

More than 2 months has passed since my last update. I relapsed after day 47, I was ashamed to come back here, ashamed to announce that I failed after 47 days.. and since then, I fell back to the cycle. I tried to limit myself to one PMO per day, tried to convince myself that I will be able to cut down the frequency of PMO as time goes. I wasnt able to follow through my own plan of course. Then, regular P stuff no longer excites me. In the end, for the first time in my life, I paid money to gain access to a certain P site so I can find something that excites me. It's really a waste of good money..

My life has gone back to the same old messed up lifestyle. My sleep schedule is fked because I always stay up late edging, sometimes until 6am just to find P that can get me off. Everyday I wake up, I feel groggy and demotivated. My stomach feels empty yet I have no appetite to eat and acne has been breaking out again. I still go to gym, but I'm not making any improvement, I feel tired easily when I'm doing cardio exercises.

I have really underestimated addiction it seems, I used to think that with sufficient discipline and effort, one can easily stop being a drug addict or smoker. My mind is starting to accept that quitting PMO is impossible and I will probably have to rely on drugs to have a proper erection. Sometimes, I wish I can confess to my family so I will have their support, but honestly, it's too shameful.

I was able to hold on for so long the last time I was here. Now I'm back here to give it a try again. I am a 24 years old adult now, I need to get my life together...

Day 0

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

day 2

There isn't anything much to record it down except perhaps my mood. I'm feeling kinda depress, I am suspecting that is due to me abstaining from M. I have long noticed that I am much more emotional when I do not PMO, i start missing my ex (not the physical activity, but the companionship),  I just yearn for social interaction with anyone, i feel very lonely... I do not feel all this when I PMO daily, I'm guessing because it keeps me and my mind occupied, so I do not actually know how alone and lonely I am and by the time I have O (I edge for hours), half the day has already gone.

These days I'm just staying at home while sending my resume in search for a job, I cannot begin to tell you how suffocated I am staying at home. I feel so lifeless. That's the reason why I'm hitting the gym so often, it keeps me distracted.

I started reading a post under success story by HMHU, it's about how a brother managed to stay clean for years and what he learned throughout his reboot. I find his post to be very inspiring. He argued that rebooting based solely on willpower alone will not succeed, I'm guessing he's right as I have failed many many times using just willpower, I thought I was disciplined enough to do that. I'm gonna read his post daily to keep me focus on my goal.

Lastly, I just wanna ask if anyone feels the same as me during their journey, the feeling of loneliness is really getting me.

 

[Floink]

Hi Ching,

Yea, it can happen that you feel like a lonely piece of shit. I guess it has something to do with the fact that for your brain, breaking up with porn feels like breaking up with your sexual relationships. That primal part of your brain can't distiguish between fucking your monitor and having sex with a real person.

Floink

 

[Stretchcomic]

Hey Bro,

Depression has definitely hit me on this experience. I'm a medical school student, so I like to research the science as to why its happening. The first two weeks of rebooting were always the hardest for me because my body felt like it was being depleted of something it needed to survive, and essentially feels like its starving. Thats where a lot of the initial depression and anxiety come from, hormonal imbalance at the beginning of the process.

After thats over, you might hit the dreaded "flatline." You won't feel depressed but you won't necessarily feel present. Your brain basically hit the restart button to figure out whats pleasurable now that PMO isn't available. The longer you stay away from PMO, the better the rest of the world feels. There's definitely some shitty times, but I can't stress how temporary that is. Keep up the good fight, man

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

Hey guys, thanks for the reply ! Somehow, i think you guys are right, that my brain is lost without the usual dopamine rush which makes me crave for something else, in this case, emotional affection.

I stop counting the days now, i think it has been roughly 3 weeks since I last PMO-ed ? I also stop paying so much focus on my MW, if I don't have it in the morning, then so be it. I have been repeatedly reading post by HMHU under the success story. The post is very enlightening and I would recommend every brothers to read it. I like to share a point by him, that rebooting rely solely on willpower will eventually lead to failure, it makes me rethink how many times i have failed in the past and for the first time, i feel like i can do this, by equipping myself with rebooting knowledge shared by him. The link >> http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=14359.0

Anyway, I'd like to rant about something, it's unrelated to rebooting but I really need to get it off my chest. I've mentioned that I still miss my ex from my last post and now I still do. Her birthday was last week and she called me out to celebrate with her, I felt happy, then the next day she became distant again. I was doing so good in letting her go and 1 message or call from her ruined all my progress. It feels like my world revolves around her, she's like a drug to me. When I'm with her, I feel happy like a little puppy and without her, I feel like I lost a part of my life. I honestly think it's pathetic how I'm losing sight of so many great things in life because of her, but I cant control my feelings... She's just manipulating me at this point..

I have a job now, my first ever job. I'm starting to lose hope in life. I can see how my every day life is gonna be like, I wake up, I work, I sleep and repeat again. Life feels so boring.. I have severely underestimated how painful loneliness can feel. Is this all part of the effect from the flatline ? Am I currently in a flatline ? The depression and the loneliness..Sigh..

Fellow brothers, would you share to me at what age did you find the one (if you have one) ? I'm 24 years old this year and I have this constant fear of being alone until the rest of my life, sigh.

 

[NeverEndingBattle]

Havent been PMO since i started rebooting again, it has been about 4 weeks. This time is much easier than my previous rebooting attempts, I'd like to thank brothers from the success stories section for keeping me motivated and my defenses strong. For the past few days, I have been dreaming that I'm surfing P site then waking up feeling relieved that I did not. The feeling of achieving O was real that I feel like I might really ejaculate in my pants while i sleep. The only question is why arent I dreaming about having sex but surfing P site, like wtf ??

Im in my 2nd week of my job, been having lunch on my own as most people in the office are always out, really wish that I would have new friends to eat with. Guess after cutting out PMO from my life, I'm really trying to fill the emptiness in me with social interaction.

 

[sleepking69]

... just wanna say that your usernames pretty offensive man