30 days free from the beast!

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little179

Member
On July 14 I found this site and gave up the porn and the masturbation habit that I have been living for along time, since about 12 and I am now 50.
It is tough, but I am filling my life with good things for a change. Instead of sitting on this laptop for hours during days off when the family aint home, I am out walking, trying to lose weight and not waste the precious time that I have left on the planet. It is tough though and today when out walking, my mind started to wander and remember bad things I used to get up to and I felt the beginning of that excited dilerium that we feel when porn is there or can be accessed. But I pushed thru that and am having a great day. I guess one day at a time is all I can muster and to just remember that life will be so much better when i long to go to bed with the wife and make love and not have to remember some porn in the wank bank to maintain the erection and get off. Sex has been good with wife since July 14, my Bastille day!!!, but night before last I just could maintain erection. She got off fine with what I could muster and I had to be finished off with her hand. But the three times previous to that (not the same night LOL) all was good. I was probably just tired...
Anyways, would always appreciate helpful motivating messages and thanks
 
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little179

Member
32 days now. Got an email from a work collegue that had a nude girl doing yoga and bending in ways unusual!! I opened the email up, saw the first pic and deleted it....straight away, didnt even feel like looking at it. Quite proud of that effort as it seemed natural to me and the best thing to do. Have had two weeks off work on leave, back to work today. I survived all those days, walked heaps and am feeling alot happier, but am aware the lion/beast is still lurking waiting for a week moment. I hope i will be strong when that comes.....
 
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relapse king

Member
32 days congratulations. Im at 12 days and still going strong. Glad you are enjoying sex with your wife. I listened to satilite radio yesterday and they had a program about on line porn and how it was one of the hardest addiction to break. Keep upthe good work.
 
PMOVictory

PMOVictory

Active Member
little179

Welcome brother.
While I still used to PMO and did it for 40 years, I could not see what I now see. Now I see with new eyes, I realise how much time were lost as a result of my addiction. So many opportunities were lost over all these years.
You are doing great, and guess what it will just get better.
As you continue on this journey, more and more realisations will come to you. You will discover things about yourself that you never realised.
A new appreciation for your wife will be the cherry on the cake.

Stay strong and be Blessed!
 
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little179

Member
Hey there team....still going so well. so so very happy but a little nervous that I could stuff up but i am being strong and toughening it out thus far!! Hope everyone else is going well. I know i can do this. I am much happier around the house and hoping for some fun tonight with the mrs..........much nicer having action with her rather than a laptop...........
 
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little179

Member
Hi there fellow champions, well I am still going ok although just before I typed this I was feeling kinda like 'oh well, you've done so well since July 14th to stay away from the sites, just have a day off" so here i am, trying to keep clean. I really really dont want to fall over. i have done so well and am not thinking about porn sites which is all i did when i was home alone pretty much. i dont know if this follows a pattern of behaviour from a recovering addict but i am going to get this shit out of my mind once and for all. i guess i will always be an addict but in recovery. anyways, all is good. I am walking heaps most days when the weather allows it. i am in australia and it is winter but that means around 22 deg celcius during the day so it isnt too bad, summer will be touch........hoping to lose weight and make my wife proud of me and me proud of my progress outside and inside my mind. i wish who ever is reading this the very best and comments always welcome.... ;D
 
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little179

Member
Howdy team. Hope all are going well. I am still on the wagon so to speak and resisting the temptations thus far. I am a shift worker so am often home alone. For ages all I did when alone was surf for porn. It got to the stage where i didnt even get hard looking at it and any erection I got would disappear so quickly as i went from tab to tab looking for something that would get me off.....I really didnt know what i was looking for......the Holy Grail of porn I guess, whatever that could be. I found that my tastes were changing. It started off when i was around 12 or so i guess with a peek at a mates porn mag that showed a full naked girl....whoa.......that was the beginning and ended up with me at 50 really into trans porn and started to question who i was sexually.....scary stuff. It led me to want to go to local beaches and swim nude, meeting like minded people and get off with myself in public. I have no idea how I ended up there. Wanking in public with other men just wanting to be watched and wanting to be that person in the porn vid I had watched....I am not gay, have no desires for other men at all, but used to get really sexually excited at the thought of being watched and being the object of desire of someone else.....weird man how the mind can be twisted. Anyways, enough of that. If i had been caught, i would have lost everything, my job, wife, kids, house and reputation. All for what......really.........a 4 sec orgasm, 4 seconds of believing I was something special that some creepy old man found attractive........I was/am so warped in the mind to risk everything, and I mean EVERYTHING for such a self destructing act. I hope you all dont think badly of me, it is hard to type this, to realise what I had become......embarrassing really. But that is who i was............WAS...........i can overcome this. If i fall over, I could end up back there, alone with nothing at 50 and no future hopes. I love my wife and kids too much. Had a wonderful 'congress' with Mrs Little179 last night. Really really good. My mind still wandered a lttle but nothing like before. It is a long journey I fear, but so so so much worth it. Best wishes to all......keep in touch and thanks for reading all about my filthy life!!!  :-\
 
PMOVictory

PMOVictory

Active Member
Hi Little

Reading all this does not make me think bad of you, as a matter of fact, how can I... or any of us on the forum. You are describing exactly what I did and desired when so deeply caught up in this shit. I could never believe how others on the videos could muster up the "courage" do do what they do in public, but strongly desire to be the envy of others like you so aptly described. Still being so straight and no trace of being gay in me, still some times secretly desired to test the waters of wanking together with other gay men etc.

So, so wrong! But this addiction twists our brains and messes us up!

Thank God my Creator and Saviour for setting me free. Leading me to YBOP, and Reboot Nation and all the friends I've made on the forum for their input and support!
I'm FREE!!!

Stay strong and be Blessed!
 
rider654321

rider654321

Active Member
Hi there little.
Congrats on what you have achieved thus far. Your story is similar very familiar. No one should  think bad of you as we're all facing the same challenge even if we arrived here because of different tastes in porn. The constant triggers the brain creates are challenging, but be strong you can do this.
 
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alamar365

Member
Hey Little 17 I've enjoyed reading your posts.  I am at day 14 and feeling good.  Have been working at home alone a little the past few days but no slips. Like you,  being home alone was always a big trigger for me.  I'm 56 and been pmo-ing for 43 years;  that's a lot of wasted time.  I've been trying to stop this for as long as I can remember.  Done some 12-step programs,  nothing really helped.  Finding YOU had been life-changing.  Knowing what's going on in my brain is making a huge difference.  I've also been practicing mindfulness which helps me be aware of triggers and mood changes that used to be the prelude to a PMO binge.  Also,  there's a short but great audio file you can download called "urge surfing" to get us through those difficult moments.  The narrator is a Dr. Sarah Bowen. She's a research psychologist specializing in addictive behaviors. Give it a listen and see what you think.
 
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little179

Member
45 days free from porn.........so very proud of myself. But today I am so tempted. I am on a shift at work that finishes at 2am and had the wildest most sexually charged dreams I have had for years last night. I woke this morning as toey as a roman sandle and came straight here as I eat breakfast. Dont know why all of a sudden this has hit me.......pissed off to be true. The past 45 days have had there moments but this morning the beast is circling.......so i'll have my toast and tea then get outside and wash the car, tidy the house a tad and keep busy. Hope all of you are doing well, i do dont want to fail.........
 
rider654321

rider654321

Active Member
Hi Little,

Hold strong mate. You've come such a long way to just give in to the urges. The triggers are challenging but they will only over power you if you allow them. 
 
PMOVictory

PMOVictory

Active Member
Little

You must be strong and persevere. Glad that you are talking about it, it helps. The journaling is very helpful and all the encouragements help. I know, I've been there. Glad to know that you are aware of your triggers. It does help a lot.

Stay strong and be Blessed!
 
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little179

Member
Howdy team. Well, here is an update to those interested and for me to chronical what is happening. I didnt fall over and still havnt. I have some great news. Two nights ago Mrs Little179 started to get frisky with little179 and bang, what an encounter. No erection issues, do delayed O, no prem O, just great stuff. Have I been re-booted, dont really know but I do know that it was great and i had no anxiety as i sometimes do when we 'plan' our spontonaity!
I hope to repeat same tonight and see how I go but I can tell you, it was great. I did wander in my thoughts a little, but I think that is just a me thing and I'm not getting hung up on that.
I hope the rest of you who bother to read this are going well. I am thinking of my fellow brothers and sisters as we go thru this re-boot thing together. Keep in touch.................look out Mrs Little179........!!! ;D
 
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