Hypatia156
Member
Hey all,
Totally new here and a partner of a man addicted to porn. Looking to connect and have a place to discuss, get some advice and ideas and of course get some support. Working to turn the pile of shit that is currently my marriage into some nice compost.
I have had sex addict of some sort in my life since I was younger, my father used to leave out magazines where I could see them and since I was about 5, I can remember worrying about my body and if it would be something men found attractive if it didn't look like the bodies they see in porn.
My second husband was VERY addicted. The lying, gaslighting, PIED (blamed on me and my inability to tolerate his various intense fetishes), and abuse was more than I could take and I left him after many years of marriage and infidelity of various sorts. He's a narcissist and very manipulative. Managed to sign my name and get credit cards totaling over 30k to pay for his phone sex habit. A very expensive mistake on my part. He also did a lot of sex chatrooms etc. My current husband and I were friends during this time and he supported me through much of it, but at the time I didn't know/realize he also had addiction issues.
My current husband has been addicted for many years, but I only really found out the seriousness of it etc about 2 years ago. A familiar story to many of you, he got more introverted, staying up late, angry, rude, distant etc. When we would talk he would usually blame it on being too busy, my scheduling too many things in and him needing much much more downtime/alone time. We have been together about 17 years and around year 7 we had some issues similar to it but managed to work through them, though I didn't realize at the time that porn was the issue. At some point I ran across an article about how porn addiction can cause the introversion/distancing etc and it triggered me pretty strongly, word for word it was my relationship. I was shocked because he knew my past and I had drawn a clear boundary that we would not have porn in our home. I dug a bit deeper into some research and found that many men escalate severely and this caused a full blown panic episode where I tore the house apart, read journals, looked at browser histories etc., and discovered that porn was indeed a part of our lives and a very big one at that.
Long story short, we were both in therapy at the time, we refocused, did a full disclosure and spent the last two years working on it. We're here now because for at least the last few months he's relapsed. Honestly we haven't had time yet for a new full disclosure, I'm not sure if he's been doing it this whole time and just lying or what.
I'm similar to many women, the porn damages and I feel stripped to the bone knowing I will never meet those expectations (I'm a larger woman) but the lying is so painful and heartbreaking and shocking some days I'm just not sure I can handle it.
I know a full disclosure is going to happen soon, he's back on the wagon again and we're working towards rebuilding again. Daily check in and reading etc. is helping. I'm angry, hurt and exhausted already but wanting to process it in a healthy way. I've been on forums where there's nothing but contempt for the addict, and the hatred for women in porn etc off the charts, that's just not me. I don't believe that having a lot of contempt is going to heal my marriage and I am simply not capable of bringing down other women, who in fact, many are victims of his actions as I am.
Anyway, any thoughts, advice etc would be helpful. One of the hardest parts of all of this is just simply being alone with it and not having someone other than hubs to talk to about it.
Onward and upward...
Totally new here and a partner of a man addicted to porn. Looking to connect and have a place to discuss, get some advice and ideas and of course get some support. Working to turn the pile of shit that is currently my marriage into some nice compost.
I have had sex addict of some sort in my life since I was younger, my father used to leave out magazines where I could see them and since I was about 5, I can remember worrying about my body and if it would be something men found attractive if it didn't look like the bodies they see in porn.
My second husband was VERY addicted. The lying, gaslighting, PIED (blamed on me and my inability to tolerate his various intense fetishes), and abuse was more than I could take and I left him after many years of marriage and infidelity of various sorts. He's a narcissist and very manipulative. Managed to sign my name and get credit cards totaling over 30k to pay for his phone sex habit. A very expensive mistake on my part. He also did a lot of sex chatrooms etc. My current husband and I were friends during this time and he supported me through much of it, but at the time I didn't know/realize he also had addiction issues.
My current husband has been addicted for many years, but I only really found out the seriousness of it etc about 2 years ago. A familiar story to many of you, he got more introverted, staying up late, angry, rude, distant etc. When we would talk he would usually blame it on being too busy, my scheduling too many things in and him needing much much more downtime/alone time. We have been together about 17 years and around year 7 we had some issues similar to it but managed to work through them, though I didn't realize at the time that porn was the issue. At some point I ran across an article about how porn addiction can cause the introversion/distancing etc and it triggered me pretty strongly, word for word it was my relationship. I was shocked because he knew my past and I had drawn a clear boundary that we would not have porn in our home. I dug a bit deeper into some research and found that many men escalate severely and this caused a full blown panic episode where I tore the house apart, read journals, looked at browser histories etc., and discovered that porn was indeed a part of our lives and a very big one at that.
Long story short, we were both in therapy at the time, we refocused, did a full disclosure and spent the last two years working on it. We're here now because for at least the last few months he's relapsed. Honestly we haven't had time yet for a new full disclosure, I'm not sure if he's been doing it this whole time and just lying or what.
I'm similar to many women, the porn damages and I feel stripped to the bone knowing I will never meet those expectations (I'm a larger woman) but the lying is so painful and heartbreaking and shocking some days I'm just not sure I can handle it.
I know a full disclosure is going to happen soon, he's back on the wagon again and we're working towards rebuilding again. Daily check in and reading etc. is helping. I'm angry, hurt and exhausted already but wanting to process it in a healthy way. I've been on forums where there's nothing but contempt for the addict, and the hatred for women in porn etc off the charts, that's just not me. I don't believe that having a lot of contempt is going to heal my marriage and I am simply not capable of bringing down other women, who in fact, many are victims of his actions as I am.
Anyway, any thoughts, advice etc would be helpful. One of the hardest parts of all of this is just simply being alone with it and not having someone other than hubs to talk to about it.
Onward and upward...