A New Hope

[Losing Neverland]

Day 1

I'm 34 and I live in Melbourne, Australia.

Music and writing are very big parts of my life. I play guitar and write songs. I also do other kinds of creative writing.

I've never been married, have no children and no current partner. I haven't had many partners in the past.

I live alone. Anxiety and loneliness are big problems in my life.

PMO has become an unhealthy compulsion in my life. I realise that I need to focus on every element of my health to get well.

So, here and now I take my first step. It's very exciting. Onward.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Losing Neverland

Welcome to the Nation. I've always wanted to go to Australia and hopefully one day I will.

Anyways, if you haven't already checked out our Road to Recovery page, you might find it helpful. - Road To Recovery

I live alone. Anxiety and loneliness are big problems in my life.

My advice would be to force yourself out of your house during your reboot. Joining a gym and talking to people there is one idea, getting a dog and taking it to the park and talking with people is another, but the main thing is getting out and interacting with people face to face and not on a screen.

Be proactive about recovery and force yourself to go through the pain of facing the anxiety and learning how to cope with it, and eventually it may go away. Experience is one of the biggest anxiety killers.

So don't sit around and wait for your reboot to take care of itself. Instead, actively pursue recovery and the things you want in life.

Hope the best for you.
Much Love

 

[Losing Neverland]

I've encountered a problem.

In past attempts at rebooting I have used K9 to censor my internet use. I ended up turning the thing off because my non-porn related activity was being affected as well. It's a buggy program. I've removed it from my hard drive.

Just now I was looking for an image to use as an avatar for this forum and pornographic images popped up at me.

I haven't counted seeing those images as 'watching porn' but I need to stay away from that stuff. At the same time, I don't want my computer seizing up on me.

Can anyone suggest a good program for restricting access to porn-related activity only.

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 7

I've spent the last 4 or 5 days sorting through large piles of Playstation 1 and 2 games.

It's made me realise that I also have an unhealthy video game habit. I've played hundreds of the things over the years.

I've been doing a lot of game playing lately, but not a lot of anything else. I will be putting other activities into my life gradually.

Also, I've been masturbating to porn images inside my head.

So, I've taken a few steps off the path, but I have some strong ideas about getting back on.

 

[Losing Neverland]

@ Gabe Deem - thanks for the lovely welcome.

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 1

I'm at a very low point right now. Late last night, I relapsed. And earlier today I made a fool out of myself in a public place by getting angry with a security guard.

Lately, I've slipped into a state of laziness in regards to my health. I've no doubt that this is what caused my relapse.

I will from this day forward do at least a little bit of work on my overall health each day.

 

[vispren]

Hey man I also play guitar and I'm using it to immerse myself into creativity.

It can be a great way to escape the urges.

I am most dangerous to myself, when I have nothing to do: the urge to look at porn kicks in really hard and I have to shake it off quickly. Playing guitar helps me sooth myself as it provides a sort of 'high' in its own realm, as I'm sure you're familiar with.

Socializing, as Gabe said, is very important, especially if you feel lonely. We are social beings and the need for socialzation is something primal within us. It will help you with your porn-related issues and improve your life, in general.

As for relapsing, just remember:
"the master has failed more times, than the beginner has even tried."

Discipline and determination is essential. Just try and soldier through it.

Good luck

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 0

It's been an awful couple of weeks for me, with bad luck and a lot of beating myself up.

A couple of weeks a go my computer stopped working and I didn't have my own machine or web connection for a while. I got one yesterday, and this is my first night home alone with it. I had a PMO session earlier tonight.

I feel fucking awful. The only good thing about that is the thought that my life can only get better from here.

 

[Mikel]

Greetings from England.

I'm the same age as you and haven't had many relationships in my life which I now know is down to my pornography usage. Quite shocking really. I had an inkling that it was partly to blame but, being a recovering alcoholic, I pretty much thought that my drinking was to blame for my lack of interaction with the opposite sex because my life was chaotic and reckless.

Life's ok for me these days, would be immensely better if I can recover properly from my addiction to pornography. Like the guys have said, getting out about and doing a new activity helps no end. My recovery from alcohol had hit a low patch almost two years ago and I had to kick start it. I started going down the gym, eating better and took up a martial art. At the moment I feel weird, a bit up and down with a lot of negative thoughts which I'm assuming is down to the withdrawals. I felt like this on my last streak. However, I'm going to my Kung Fu class tonight and I know I will feel infinitely better once I'm there, exercising and interacting with people. Same as last night, felt 'off' pretty much all day at work yesterday. Went to the gym afterwards, felt much better for going.

It's not easy for us loners to start something new, especially if it involves mixing with other people. However, once you've taken the first step and gone for the first time, it's way easier from there on.

Sorry to hear about your relapse. Try your best to pick yourself up and start again immediately. The allure of porn is strong, let the allure of the reboot be stronger....

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 10

@Mikel - thank you.

I'm feeling good right now.

I recently discovered an online game called Guitar Bots. It's a game played with an actual guitar and it's helped me focus on my guitar playing. I'm taking a break now because my fingers were hurting.

I've learnt a lesson. Art is far more satisfying than porn.

My social activity has improved. I'm getting out more than I used to.

I'm still having problems with my diet and I don't get much exercise. But with the improvements I'm making I feel able to tackle these areas.

 

[Mikel]

Great to hear you are back on board and well done on your ten days. Awesome stuff.

It's odd, I'm the opposite to you in that I'm doing lots of exercise but not getting back to my piano playing which I want to do eventually. However, I think one thing at a time for now. I don't want to take on too much, just enough so I can handle it and gently push myself a bit further the longer I go which I am doing.

Great to hear that you've found something which not only assists in your recovery but gets your creative juices flowing. I also love this line: "I've learnt a lesson. Art is far more satisfying than porn".

With regards to exercise, just do a little to start off. Go for a run, a few press ups/sit ups at home and work from there. Everyone has to start somewhere. In other words, don't class it as a problem, just something you would like to do.

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 0

I watched porn early this morning.

During my last 'reboot' I masturbated to sexual images in my head. Looking back now, I can see how much of a mistake that was. I was half way over the edge already, and seeing some sex scenes in movies and on TV pushed me over the edge.

My creative life is going very well. I've been playing guitar a lot and write some music I'm pleased with.

Since one part of my life is going well, I'm sure I'll improve in others.

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 0

I'm back here at day 0 once again.

My mind is so chaotic. It has been since I was very young.

I feel very lost right now. But one thing I do have is hope.

 

[Losing Neverland]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdJ5e70Q8mw

http://rock.genius.com/Beastie-boys-gratitude-lyrics


On this Friday just gone I bought a basketball and this afternoon (Sunday) I went to a local park and played with it.

I'm feeling good, I very much treasure being alive and I'm ready to work towards a healthy life.

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 0

Once again I am back at zero. I hadn't masturbated to orgasm for at least a week and needed relief.

People, can anyone suggest an alternative to masturbation if I need stimulation?

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 0

I watched porn this afternoon.

 

[neon tiger]

Hello there-

Welcome back.  This journey is certainly not an easy one, to put it lightly. Realizing how porn is damaging your life in itself will not be enough to overcome it.  You also need the willingness to do what it takes to kick this shit off, and a very specific reason why you want this.  I speak for myself, but i know that porn provides me a relief from all the anxiety, depression and isolation that i have been experiencing, and most of that anxiety, depression and isolation is caused by porn.  Its a very toxic cycle that feeds itself, and over time has left me in a state of isolation that is unbearable.  You need not only to stop the porn, but find a lot of things to replace the bad habits with new, healthier ones. 

As someone said earlier in your thread, we are social beings and are wired to connect with others.  Surrounding yourself with people is certainly a great advice, but again, i speak for myself, to me anxiety has often impaired me from connecting with others, plus this strange self perception of being a pervert that i carry with me when i am immersed in porn makes me feel like if someone looks into my eyes, they will see all this struggle  and ugliness. You may want to consider the help of a therapist and/or pharmacological help. I did some research in the last couple weeks and ended up trying a herbal combination that has virtually eliminated the anxiety and has given me increased focus.  The journey just became a lot more bearable.

Im also holding on to reboot nation like my life hangs on it (it does, actually).  Ultimately, this network of support is the reason I've made it to the 14 days i will have by the end of the day today.  Again, connecting with others over common struggles is a great source of strength.

Best of luck bud. 

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 3

I'm doing well.

Lately I've been thinking about how we in the Western world are obsessed with sex. We are confronted with it wether we want to or not. Next time I see Kim Kardashian's shiny bum I will scream.

I can't expect the world to not present me with sexual images, though. I must learn to deal with sexy stuff when I see it.

 

[Losing Neverland]

Day 7

I just got back from a brothel.

I've been reading about stuff like goal setting. I'm going to do all I can to prepare myself for getting a girlfriend. I realise I can only do 50% of the work...

 

[Losing Neverland]

I'm feeling very low.