disclosure

[aquarius25]

This topic came up in a post I made in the partner's section seeking support. I thought it was an interesting topic and I can see that there are a lot of different perspectives on it so I thought I would give it it's own thread to discuss. I have posted this in the partner's forum but I also wanted to post here because I wanted both perspectives. I find it interesting to see how they differ and I have found it helpful for me to hear different perspectives when I am making decisions. I like to try and see all sides if I can.  Also if this is triggering at all please feel free to not continue reading as it is not my intention at all for it to be triggering. I genuinely am just wanting to hear thoughts and perspective.

Initially, the disclosure was regarding my husband use of Facebook as one part of his porn use. He was viewing images of my friends and women in town that he knew in addition to porn. I actually think this behaivor is more common than I initially realized which is another reason why I think it is good to discuss. This is the world we live in. The disclosure was in reference to whether or not I should disclose to my closer friends about his behaivor. Some women said that I should out of respect to them and our friendship.

Personally, I felt like it would just cause more trauma in my friendships. I did disclose to a few of them that he was struggling with porn addiction in general and I had a few not so great reactions. I did not disclose to any of them about this FB element. He no longer has a FB account just to be clear and he is very remorseful. But it opens the question.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that it is better to tell friends that are unaware that this has been going on? Would you want to know if the tables were turned? At what point does disclosure become damaging? I know that even part of 12 step programs there is a disclosure and making amends. How far does that reach? 

 

[yesyes1234]

Well, I suppose it's him who has to make amense, it's not really something you can do for him. Also I wouldn't generally see this as a big enough transgression to include in that process, except regarding his responsibility towards you, it does put you in a bit of an awkward position. But since you already know, I take it that you have discussed it with him.

I think generally P-addiction is still too unknown and taboo to really disclose properly. It probably takes a lot of time, persistence and evidence to convince people that it is a big a deal as it is, because we are used to hyperbolic language regarding this type of stuff.

And I agree, I wouldn't tell either. It puts all of you in a weird position, and maybe especially the status of your relationship in the eyes of your friends. They would take away the disruption between you without really understanding what's at the core of it.

And also,  the images are meant to be consumed in private by other people, so revealing behaviour and habits seem a bit murky on the whole privacy issue. At least I don't think it's something we have a proper reference for and seems really awkward to deal with openly.

You probably already know this, but some P addicts end up substituting with non-p visuals during reboot. Our pathways are hypersensitive to anything reminiscent of P, including normal images of attractive women, and will release increased amounts of dopamine. Maybe it changes the interpretation of his behaviour, idk.

 

[Numez]

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that it is better to tell friends that are unaware that this has been going on? Would you want to know if the tables were turned? At what point does disclosure become damaging? I know that even part of 12 step programs there is a disclosure and making amends. How far does that reach?

if the tables were turned i would insist on knowing something like this but im out of my head, so dont do that. if he is done with all that facebook picture edging, there is no need to mention it unless you are dealing with some closer friends.

 

[TK-421]

I think it would depend on what the nature and purpose of the disclosure is.  Are you suggesting that you would tell your friends that your husband was looking at and MO'ing to their Facebook photos?  I think, as it with any issue in a marriage, that the first requirement is that there is discussion and agreement between both spouses about how to deal with important issues, especially when dealing with personal issues.  What would the purpose of the disclosure to your friends be?  Is your husband in agreement?  Would disclosure be helpful to both his recovery and your own recovery?  Is the reason for disclosure to have a confidant (if so, perhaps a therapist is a better option for someone to disclose to).  Would you and your husband be around these people together at some point in the future?  How would that impact the relationships? Would it be possible for everyone to carry on as normal?  I really doubt it, in my view.

Perhaps I have missed the point of your question.  Perhaps there are some people who think that not disclosing is somehow protecting your husband from the consequences of his actions.  I disagree though.  If there is a genuine desire on the part of both spouses to be honest, open, and sharing I think simply disclosing sordid personal details about one spouse's struggles does nothing to support recovery, undermines the marriage and most likely undermines or ends the friendship as well. 

 

[thechemist]

I actually think this behaivor is more common than I initially realized which is another reason why I think it is good to discuss.

Yeah I think that 100% of porn users do that.
I think one should always be honest and make amends about harm that he caused to others... in this case no harm was done to your friends. Telling them would actually be unsettling for them and would damage your friendship.

 

[aquarius25]

I do agree that telling my friends would just do more harm than good. There was some discussion about it in the partner's forum and one person felt that is was a disservice to the friendship to withhold this. That I was not being a good friend. I felt like it was an interesting situation and thought it would be an interesting and good discussion to hear what the men here thought. I also thought it would be good for some men who have participated in this activity to hear what kind of situation it puts your partners in. It is important to hear the consequences of objectification, maybe they have never thought of it from this angle? Just trying to expand the perspective and to hear others thoughts and opinions to maybe expand mine. Thank you for all of your response and insight!