NN, you are right that the Partner?s section is for partners of porn addicts, but not exclusively. We have encouraged porn addicts who are in relationships to contribute, and some find it helpful in gaining a partner?s perspective or a deeper understanding of the effects on their relationships.
It is important to recognise that a partner?s recovery is an entirely different process from that of the addict, and especially so in the early phases of recovery. Partners have specific needs of their own and benefit enormously from the support of other partners. The partners who contribute to the Partners section are very supportive of others who have found themselves in a similar situation. I have experienced only one occasion where one specific partner had an issue with me and even then it was nothing that could not be resolved. I have never had any particular axe to grind with any other partner. We are a diverse group with many different life experiences, but the overwhelming ethos of the partner?s section is of mutual support. I have received one PM from a male porn addict calling me a c*** amongst other things but this pales into insignificance compared with the very supportive messages I have received from other partners.
It is for these reasons I would like to reply to your criticisms of the Partner?s section because I don?t recognise what you are saying here.
every other girl is blaming her boyfriend/husband for everything
No, I can?t agree with this one. I don?t see this on the Partner?s section.
act like they are being imprisoned by someone
I?m not sure what you mean by ?imprisoned?. If it?s the case that people are not happy in their relationship, it may be the case that they are staying because their options are limited particularly if they have young kids and sometimes even in business with their spouse. Those partners are often wanting to repair their relationships but are uncertain if it?s going to be possible, especially if their partner is not engaging in a healthy recovery process. The advice from most therapists specialising on porn/sex addiction recommend that partner?s put their decision to end the relationship on hold until 12 months after the final disclosure/discovery. Those are also the the most difficult times in recovery when feelings are running very high. The Partners section is one place where they can express their ambivalent feeling about staying in the relationship. It?s a long way off ?acting like they are imprisoned?.
they offer too weak support
Most partners support their addict spouses absolutely. However, only the addict can be responsible for their own recovery. Just as we were not responsible or our partner?s addiction, we?re not responsible for their recovery. Encourage our addict spouses, yes. Be there for then, yes. But we can?t do their recovery for them. Bear in mind that the Partner?s section is for partners to give and receive support, and that partner?s have an entirely separate recovery process.
play a victim game. stuck in a circle of someones addiction, mostly blaming
Not true. Most, if not all, partners are actually taking control of a situation which they did not sign up for. Most if not all partners have been deceived over the years. Taking control of their lives and their own recovery is certainly not being a ?victim?.
In addition to this, most partners have taken it upon themselves to be educated and informed about porn addiction, how it develops, the effects on the addict, their partners and their relationships. Most if not all partners recognise that there are often underlying factors in their addict spouse?s early life which made them vulnerable to porn and sex addictions. Most if not all partners, who are sufficiently informed about porn addiction, are not ?blaming? because they recognise this, and most addicts will break the cycle of their own addiction once they realise what their real issues are.
No, I don?t see much arguing at all in the Partner?s section.
When hot topics have arisen in the past, it?s almost always when a non-partner shows up and criticises female partners ? and that has happened, but it?s not very often. You also have to bear in mind that MOST argy bargy on the Partner?s section has been stirred by trolling, and sometimes trolls have signed up as a fake ?partner? who then make deliberately provocative and divisive comments in the partner?s section. And unfortunately sometimes trolls aren?t immediately recognised when they show up ?in drag?. Ive never witnessed any partner creating trouble for another partner and arguments are actually quite uncommon. As I said, it?s usually a non partner or a fake partner wading in and stirring things up.
there is a mess. women needs to realize that they have more control in THEIR life
You don?t quite get it. The majority of partners in the Partner?s section are strong and resilient women. Some join the forum at a low ebb and have not yet come to terms with the reality of their situation. They need a place to vent, to be heard and understood, and to receive support from others who have been through the same. They are not a ?mess?, they are not ?victims?. They are people who have found themselves in a situation they did not sign up for.
And yes, we do realise we have control over our own lives and a partner?s healing is exactly about rebuilding their own lives, whatever that may be for the individual. We don?t know if our partners will relapse, we don?t know if our relationships will survive ? because some don?t. If those relationships that do survive then we know that they will need to be re-negotiated. Neither option is an easy one.
porn addicts cant handle their own and are being blamed on top of everything for partners struggles.
I can?t speak for all porn addicts, only the one I?m married to. My partner has quit successfully, for over two years. The real work had been in rebuilding his life in meaningful ways. It also meant recognising that his behaviour had consequences, and taking responsibility for those consequences. Taking responsibility for one?s actions is crucial to a successful recovery and is essential to a healthy relationship, as is trust, honesty and integrity. As I said before, partners have their own healing process and that often means strengthening the areas of life beyond their relationship, as well as often taking on the responsibility for the health of the partnership during the addict?s early recovery process. Partners need support too, and almost always, the addict is not yet capable in offering support until much later. Probably not in the first year. We don?t ?blame ? our addict spouses for ?everything? but we do expect them to own their issues and take responsibility for their actions.
To conclude. Partners of porn addicts are forced to take on a lot of difficulty and struggle in a situation that they did not foresee. We can have very ambivalent and sometimes contradictory feelings for our partners and about our relationships. It?s important that we have a safe place to express ourselves without someone jumping in and criticising us just because we ARE in a confusing situation. Every partner in a relationship with a porn addict gets this. So Long may the Partner?s section be the place where we are free to express ourselves.
