Ravensong - great question about asking if the process was worth it for the both of us.
I would say yes, but in a different sort of way for each of us. My husband was faced with the reality of just how bad his lying and addiction were. The thing with people that lie often is, they also lie to themselves. He saw himself as a much more honest person that only lied occasionally. When he had to write this disclosure letter, he had to admit that he hand't just lied to me once or twice, but had had woven lies throughout our entire relationship that fundamentally changed the way I saw him as a person. What is crazy is that most of those lies were completely unnecessary and the truth would have been more beneficial to our relationship and the way I saw him as a person. He also was faced with seeing that his porn addiction started much earlier than he wanted to believe. It was hard, but for the first time he was seeing himself as he was and he felt quite vulnerable.
For me, well - I had to finally come to terms with the reality that the person I fell in love with wasn't really who my husband was. For instance, as crazy as it sounds - I saw my husband as a really honest guy. I had caught him in a couple of lies early in our relationship and confronted him on them. I made it clear that lying was not acceptable. I really thought that was the end of it and that blow up where I was clear how I felt about lying and he committed to full honesty was done. I went forward with the relationship and really trusted him fully. The reason his porn addiction went on for so long was because I trusted him fully.
After disclosure and the two polygraphs (at $500 each mind you), I finally had to accept the truth, my husband is a liar. Being a liar opens you up to getting caught up in things like porn. So, I had to come to terms with seeing that porn addiction didn't make my husband a liar, being a liar made my husband susceptible to porn addiction. I say this because liars already live in a fantasy world, porn just became another part of the fantasy.
I don't want to discourage you, but I do want to give you my truth and here it is - my 'marriage' had changed in a fundamental way in which I can never say that I truly love my husband. The reason why I can say I don't truly love him is because I can't fully give myself to him. I cannot make myself truly vulnerable in a way that is needed for true love because I don't trust him. I still catch my husband in lies, and the vast majority of those lies are completely unnecessary. Some are lies of omission. Some are things he doesn't consider lying, but I do. For instance, he will say, "This weekend I am going to update our budget and go over it with you." He will had made no plans for giving over the budget, he will have set aside no time to go over the budget. Sunday will come around and I will say, "So, when are we going over the budget?" He will then admit that he didn't update the files from the latest receipts . In my mind, if you say you are going to do something that you truly have no intention of following through with - you are lying. He will argue that because he 'wanted' to do it or knew it had to be done, he thought that saying he would do it would help him get around to it. This isn't just for the budget, this can be for literally anything. However, sometimes he does actually follow-through with the things he commits to doing. So, I never really know when he is going to be a man of his word and when he isn't. I had the option of being constantly on edge as to whether or not he was actually going to do what he said, or just assume everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. For my own sanity, I just don't trust what he says. That choice means of course that there really isn't true intimacy in the relationship, because true intimacy requires vulnerability.
As a result, we have settled into this 'marriage' that is more of a business partnership with sex benefits. In his mind, he is going to win back my true love by showing he is a stand up guy. That isn't to say we don't have good times together. We talk, we go on vacation, we enjoy our life and raising our kids. But, if I was given a time machine with the choice of marrying my husband or not, I would not marry him. My heart doesn't flutter when I see him. I won't say this doesn't hurt, it does. It rips me in two when he says things like, "You are so beautiful" and even his daily, "I love you.", because I honestly cannot know if he actually means those things or not. Especially when I found out he had an undisclosed relapse over a year after d-day. I felt it and questioned him at the time and he denied it with every fiber of his being. The only way I got disclosure was to tell him that I had already found the proof (lie) and then he admitted it. So yeah, not really a marriage of roses and rainbows.
I would say yes, but in a different sort of way for each of us. My husband was faced with the reality of just how bad his lying and addiction were. The thing with people that lie often is, they also lie to themselves. He saw himself as a much more honest person that only lied occasionally. When he had to write this disclosure letter, he had to admit that he hand't just lied to me once or twice, but had had woven lies throughout our entire relationship that fundamentally changed the way I saw him as a person. What is crazy is that most of those lies were completely unnecessary and the truth would have been more beneficial to our relationship and the way I saw him as a person. He also was faced with seeing that his porn addiction started much earlier than he wanted to believe. It was hard, but for the first time he was seeing himself as he was and he felt quite vulnerable.
For me, well - I had to finally come to terms with the reality that the person I fell in love with wasn't really who my husband was. For instance, as crazy as it sounds - I saw my husband as a really honest guy. I had caught him in a couple of lies early in our relationship and confronted him on them. I made it clear that lying was not acceptable. I really thought that was the end of it and that blow up where I was clear how I felt about lying and he committed to full honesty was done. I went forward with the relationship and really trusted him fully. The reason his porn addiction went on for so long was because I trusted him fully.
After disclosure and the two polygraphs (at $500 each mind you), I finally had to accept the truth, my husband is a liar. Being a liar opens you up to getting caught up in things like porn. So, I had to come to terms with seeing that porn addiction didn't make my husband a liar, being a liar made my husband susceptible to porn addiction. I say this because liars already live in a fantasy world, porn just became another part of the fantasy.
I don't want to discourage you, but I do want to give you my truth and here it is - my 'marriage' had changed in a fundamental way in which I can never say that I truly love my husband. The reason why I can say I don't truly love him is because I can't fully give myself to him. I cannot make myself truly vulnerable in a way that is needed for true love because I don't trust him. I still catch my husband in lies, and the vast majority of those lies are completely unnecessary. Some are lies of omission. Some are things he doesn't consider lying, but I do. For instance, he will say, "This weekend I am going to update our budget and go over it with you." He will had made no plans for giving over the budget, he will have set aside no time to go over the budget. Sunday will come around and I will say, "So, when are we going over the budget?" He will then admit that he didn't update the files from the latest receipts . In my mind, if you say you are going to do something that you truly have no intention of following through with - you are lying. He will argue that because he 'wanted' to do it or knew it had to be done, he thought that saying he would do it would help him get around to it. This isn't just for the budget, this can be for literally anything. However, sometimes he does actually follow-through with the things he commits to doing. So, I never really know when he is going to be a man of his word and when he isn't. I had the option of being constantly on edge as to whether or not he was actually going to do what he said, or just assume everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. For my own sanity, I just don't trust what he says. That choice means of course that there really isn't true intimacy in the relationship, because true intimacy requires vulnerability.
As a result, we have settled into this 'marriage' that is more of a business partnership with sex benefits. In his mind, he is going to win back my true love by showing he is a stand up guy. That isn't to say we don't have good times together. We talk, we go on vacation, we enjoy our life and raising our kids. But, if I was given a time machine with the choice of marrying my husband or not, I would not marry him. My heart doesn't flutter when I see him. I won't say this doesn't hurt, it does. It rips me in two when he says things like, "You are so beautiful" and even his daily, "I love you.", because I honestly cannot know if he actually means those things or not. Especially when I found out he had an undisclosed relapse over a year after d-day. I felt it and questioned him at the time and he denied it with every fiber of his being. The only way I got disclosure was to tell him that I had already found the proof (lie) and then he admitted it. So yeah, not really a marriage of roses and rainbows.
