Hello guys this is my first time posting here. I am 21 and have been on and off No Fap and the whole shazam for around 2 years. I have had some great moments and some low points. This is my story:
I first started using porn when I was 13. Due to having access to high speed internet and a PC I began indulging more and more in porn and after a while the normal stuff wasn't cutting it anymore. So when I was around 15 I discovered that you could post nudes on FB and talk to other people (basically cybersex). So that?s what I did, I started a fake fb profile and began sharing naked pics of me with the hopes of getting girls. Needless to say the new experience made my dopamine go crazy and it felt really good, even though deep down I knew that I was doing was very wrong and I felt filthy to the core. This went on for a while, it was a mixture of fb and chat sites where I would get girls contacts and we would cam on skype, again engaging in cybersex.
Now by this time I had realized I had a problem because I had this whole secret life and the worst part was I could not quit or better said: Whenever I quit and began my path towards recovery it never worked. Sooner or later I would come back to it and binge like crazy. And this was taking a toll on me mentally.
Now around this time I also got my first gf, and she looked amazing. When I was 16 I lost my virginity to her. It was a great experience for her, not so much for me. I couldn't orgasm and I couldn?t put a condom on or I would go limp. No matter what we did, no matter what we tried I simply could not orgasm and very rarely my dick would just go limp. Now this started bothering me and it also took a toll on her since she couldn't understand why I wasn't able to cum. During this whole time I was dealing with depression and bullying in school so naturally I used both Porn and Cybersex heavily. Fast forward 1 year and my gf cheated on me, something that really crushed me, even though I did know it was in part because of what I had done. During this time I fell in another depression and lethargic state. Porn and Cybersex were the order of the day. I was jerking off twice maybe three times a day and these sessions were getting longer and longer and my porn tastes were escalating.
At 17 I met a new girl, and I fell for her very quickly. The relationship was very rocky, and she played very hard to get. Me, being in love just went with it. It took me 2 YEARS to have sex with her (she was a virgin but still). Now during this time I was constantly horny (being a teen and all) and the fact that I wasn't having sex did not help one bit with my addiction. So I kept indulging with porn and cybersex and kept trying to quit (the cybersex, as quitting porn was never on the table). Now I will let you know that due to my full blown addiction of both porn and cybersex I really had 0 interest in real girls. I did love my gf and was very attracted to her sexually but if I wasn't with her I would be jerking off and I didn't care about real girls. My only concern was to go home open 5-6 tabs and constantly switch between them, edging like crazy.
Anyway at 19 I first had sex with her and surprise surprise I could not put a condom on again because I would go limp. So we just did it without the condom and I was worried if I was gonna cum this time and voila it happened, I orgasmed and it felt so good. After this, the sex with her was very good, I could last quite long (cuz my dick was desensitized) but in the end I would cum and that was a win-win situation for both of us. Now during this whole time I'm still PMOing like crazy. Anyway I had to move to another country for personal reasons so me and my gf decided to keep the relationship going albeit long distance (we saw each other 2-3 times a year). Now during this time I still kept doing my thing completely oblivious to the damage it was causing me and even though I tried many times to quit I simply could not cuz I would fall into a depression.
By the time I hit 20 I was having problems with my erections. I started going limp during cybersex something that had never happened before and resorted to forcing my dick to get hard by hard strokes and very escalating porn videos. During this time I developed a fetish that I wish I hadn't. Anyway me being the asshole that I am wanted to try new girls because I was jealous of all my peers that were more sexually active then I was. So I tried with one girl, tried putting on condom and went limp. Couldn't get hard no matter what, after that happened. Left totally embarrassed. I remember crying that night because I knew I had done a terrible damage to my body and brain.
Moving on, I found NoFap read a bit on it and a light bulb clicked. I knew what my problem was and filled with motivation I began my journey of solving it. The problem is I failed and failed and failed more. And every time I failed I binged harder to porn and cybersex. Then one night something really clicked and I decided I was going to really do this. I had just broken up with my gf and had just started a new job that kept me occupied most of the time so when I got home I didn?t have the energy nor the desire to look at porn and masturbate. And things went well, even when I had cravings I punched through them, each time fighting my demons and my will was constantly winning. I hit 100 days in summer and then all went to shit. I said to myself the typical thing; think of one video as your reward, what?s the worst that can happen? Apparently a shitload of stuff. I binged and everything went to shit. Now at this time I was having something with a girl and while I was able to penetrate her (without a condom again) I was not hard all of the time and my performance was terrible. I felt like less of a man and I did not wanna tell her about my addiction so I just invented a story about it. But on the inside I was dying. I wanted to be sexually active and live my life as a normal person and I also knew very well what I had to do, I just couldn't stick to it. So I kept doing what i did best, binging on this toxic shit and feeling bad about my life. After I ended things with this girl I met another one, she was over one night and things got heated and when it came to it I was limp once again. So this girl strikes out too.
Now I am relatively good looking, fit and also quite good socially so I had a lot of girls coming onto me. I also had various flirts and encounters that could've lead to sex which I avoided since I knew very well how that would end. I must have lost around 10-15 opportunities like that. My self-esteem and mental state where at their lowest point. I eventually even thought about suicide because it seemed to me like everyone around me was having fun and I, wasn?t I could not perform in bed no matter what and I didn?t seem to be able to get out of this fucking addiction of mine.
During this time I started abstaining from both porn and cybersex and made decent gains, 30 days, 45 days, 50 days etc. but I never managed to cross the 50 day mark. Most of the times t would go like this: Let?s go to this chat site I will just check if X Person is there, 5 hours later i am watching porn and have been jerking off for the last 5 hours edging like crazy. So I binged and binged and binged. By the way in order to avoid all the sexual encounters i invented a fucked up story about how I had someone I was seeing. Another blow to my mental health as I wanted to have sex so bad and also wanted to be with someone but because I couldn?t perform I pushed them away.
Since I met a very very special woman this October I wanted to change my life and end this shit once and for all. I started NoFap and went till day 45 without PMO or Cybersex. Hit a pretty bad flatline on my way there. And then I relapsed but got back on track at least for 5 days. Then another relapse and the same story, 5 day clean and another relapse. I am now on day 67 and have relapsed 5 times (PMO and cybersex). Even though I have relapsed 5 times I feel like things are going better than before. After I got out of the flatline things have been going good with her. We haven?t had sex yet but I feel myself getting hard (50-60%) when we kiss or lay in bed. She also performed oral on me once and it went ok. Don?t get me wrong she is amazing and I loved it but my dick was not 100% hard, more like 70% or so. So now I am really scared. I don?t want to blow this thing and I really really like this girl. Btw she does not know that I have an addiction but she knows I don?t watch porn. So help me guys, please.
I really want this to stop so I am willing to seek new strategies and employ new tactics to fight this goddamn addiction that has taken so much from me and given me so little. Just so you guys know, My PC has a filter and is really bulletproof. I don?t watch porn or cybersex from it. A friend of mine has the password for the program (K9, its really good) and that has helped a lot.
My main problem is my Iphone. I have enabled restricted access and for a while things were good (I blacklisted all the chatsites I visit and so on). I even forced myself to forget the password so I could not disable it if I was craving. But one day I found out I could visit the site I usually do since it changed its ending. Now the problem is I don?t have the restricted access password and I have to reboot my phone and do it all over again in order to block this site. I also found out I can look at porn using google chrome even though the filter is on. Nothing hardcore just gifs and pics, but it seriously does not help. Any of you guys has any advice on that? Is there anyone here who made their phone bulletproof to sexual content?
Another short note:
I know that what I have done is not ok at all, I know that cybersex is a form of cheating and I do admit I have been cheating on both of my long term gf with cybersex. I really don?t want to. I seriously want to stop and simply be a fucking normal person. I really don?t like being who I am now. I don?t like being 21 and everytime the topic of sex comes up I get anxiety and cold sweats. I don?t want to live my life thinking about if I will be hard enough to penetrate a woman I love, or thinking about how much it fucking sucks going to a club and having a girl dance to you and your penis is dead. I don?t want to be this, I want to be fucking normal.
I would greatly appreciate any support you guys can give me and any advice is welcome. This is my first time posting here. Yesterday I posted on the forums that I need an accountability partner, is there anyone up for that? I wish you all a strong fight ahead.
Thank you all, The Laughing Joker.
I first started using porn when I was 13. Due to having access to high speed internet and a PC I began indulging more and more in porn and after a while the normal stuff wasn't cutting it anymore. So when I was around 15 I discovered that you could post nudes on FB and talk to other people (basically cybersex). So that?s what I did, I started a fake fb profile and began sharing naked pics of me with the hopes of getting girls. Needless to say the new experience made my dopamine go crazy and it felt really good, even though deep down I knew that I was doing was very wrong and I felt filthy to the core. This went on for a while, it was a mixture of fb and chat sites where I would get girls contacts and we would cam on skype, again engaging in cybersex.
Now by this time I had realized I had a problem because I had this whole secret life and the worst part was I could not quit or better said: Whenever I quit and began my path towards recovery it never worked. Sooner or later I would come back to it and binge like crazy. And this was taking a toll on me mentally.
Now around this time I also got my first gf, and she looked amazing. When I was 16 I lost my virginity to her. It was a great experience for her, not so much for me. I couldn't orgasm and I couldn?t put a condom on or I would go limp. No matter what we did, no matter what we tried I simply could not orgasm and very rarely my dick would just go limp. Now this started bothering me and it also took a toll on her since she couldn't understand why I wasn't able to cum. During this whole time I was dealing with depression and bullying in school so naturally I used both Porn and Cybersex heavily. Fast forward 1 year and my gf cheated on me, something that really crushed me, even though I did know it was in part because of what I had done. During this time I fell in another depression and lethargic state. Porn and Cybersex were the order of the day. I was jerking off twice maybe three times a day and these sessions were getting longer and longer and my porn tastes were escalating.
At 17 I met a new girl, and I fell for her very quickly. The relationship was very rocky, and she played very hard to get. Me, being in love just went with it. It took me 2 YEARS to have sex with her (she was a virgin but still). Now during this time I was constantly horny (being a teen and all) and the fact that I wasn't having sex did not help one bit with my addiction. So I kept indulging with porn and cybersex and kept trying to quit (the cybersex, as quitting porn was never on the table). Now I will let you know that due to my full blown addiction of both porn and cybersex I really had 0 interest in real girls. I did love my gf and was very attracted to her sexually but if I wasn't with her I would be jerking off and I didn't care about real girls. My only concern was to go home open 5-6 tabs and constantly switch between them, edging like crazy.
Anyway at 19 I first had sex with her and surprise surprise I could not put a condom on again because I would go limp. So we just did it without the condom and I was worried if I was gonna cum this time and voila it happened, I orgasmed and it felt so good. After this, the sex with her was very good, I could last quite long (cuz my dick was desensitized) but in the end I would cum and that was a win-win situation for both of us. Now during this whole time I'm still PMOing like crazy. Anyway I had to move to another country for personal reasons so me and my gf decided to keep the relationship going albeit long distance (we saw each other 2-3 times a year). Now during this time I still kept doing my thing completely oblivious to the damage it was causing me and even though I tried many times to quit I simply could not cuz I would fall into a depression.
By the time I hit 20 I was having problems with my erections. I started going limp during cybersex something that had never happened before and resorted to forcing my dick to get hard by hard strokes and very escalating porn videos. During this time I developed a fetish that I wish I hadn't. Anyway me being the asshole that I am wanted to try new girls because I was jealous of all my peers that were more sexually active then I was. So I tried with one girl, tried putting on condom and went limp. Couldn't get hard no matter what, after that happened. Left totally embarrassed. I remember crying that night because I knew I had done a terrible damage to my body and brain.
Moving on, I found NoFap read a bit on it and a light bulb clicked. I knew what my problem was and filled with motivation I began my journey of solving it. The problem is I failed and failed and failed more. And every time I failed I binged harder to porn and cybersex. Then one night something really clicked and I decided I was going to really do this. I had just broken up with my gf and had just started a new job that kept me occupied most of the time so when I got home I didn?t have the energy nor the desire to look at porn and masturbate. And things went well, even when I had cravings I punched through them, each time fighting my demons and my will was constantly winning. I hit 100 days in summer and then all went to shit. I said to myself the typical thing; think of one video as your reward, what?s the worst that can happen? Apparently a shitload of stuff. I binged and everything went to shit. Now at this time I was having something with a girl and while I was able to penetrate her (without a condom again) I was not hard all of the time and my performance was terrible. I felt like less of a man and I did not wanna tell her about my addiction so I just invented a story about it. But on the inside I was dying. I wanted to be sexually active and live my life as a normal person and I also knew very well what I had to do, I just couldn't stick to it. So I kept doing what i did best, binging on this toxic shit and feeling bad about my life. After I ended things with this girl I met another one, she was over one night and things got heated and when it came to it I was limp once again. So this girl strikes out too.
Now I am relatively good looking, fit and also quite good socially so I had a lot of girls coming onto me. I also had various flirts and encounters that could've lead to sex which I avoided since I knew very well how that would end. I must have lost around 10-15 opportunities like that. My self-esteem and mental state where at their lowest point. I eventually even thought about suicide because it seemed to me like everyone around me was having fun and I, wasn?t I could not perform in bed no matter what and I didn?t seem to be able to get out of this fucking addiction of mine.
During this time I started abstaining from both porn and cybersex and made decent gains, 30 days, 45 days, 50 days etc. but I never managed to cross the 50 day mark. Most of the times t would go like this: Let?s go to this chat site I will just check if X Person is there, 5 hours later i am watching porn and have been jerking off for the last 5 hours edging like crazy. So I binged and binged and binged. By the way in order to avoid all the sexual encounters i invented a fucked up story about how I had someone I was seeing. Another blow to my mental health as I wanted to have sex so bad and also wanted to be with someone but because I couldn?t perform I pushed them away.
Since I met a very very special woman this October I wanted to change my life and end this shit once and for all. I started NoFap and went till day 45 without PMO or Cybersex. Hit a pretty bad flatline on my way there. And then I relapsed but got back on track at least for 5 days. Then another relapse and the same story, 5 day clean and another relapse. I am now on day 67 and have relapsed 5 times (PMO and cybersex). Even though I have relapsed 5 times I feel like things are going better than before. After I got out of the flatline things have been going good with her. We haven?t had sex yet but I feel myself getting hard (50-60%) when we kiss or lay in bed. She also performed oral on me once and it went ok. Don?t get me wrong she is amazing and I loved it but my dick was not 100% hard, more like 70% or so. So now I am really scared. I don?t want to blow this thing and I really really like this girl. Btw she does not know that I have an addiction but she knows I don?t watch porn. So help me guys, please.
I really want this to stop so I am willing to seek new strategies and employ new tactics to fight this goddamn addiction that has taken so much from me and given me so little. Just so you guys know, My PC has a filter and is really bulletproof. I don?t watch porn or cybersex from it. A friend of mine has the password for the program (K9, its really good) and that has helped a lot.
My main problem is my Iphone. I have enabled restricted access and for a while things were good (I blacklisted all the chatsites I visit and so on). I even forced myself to forget the password so I could not disable it if I was craving. But one day I found out I could visit the site I usually do since it changed its ending. Now the problem is I don?t have the restricted access password and I have to reboot my phone and do it all over again in order to block this site. I also found out I can look at porn using google chrome even though the filter is on. Nothing hardcore just gifs and pics, but it seriously does not help. Any of you guys has any advice on that? Is there anyone here who made their phone bulletproof to sexual content?
Another short note:
I know that what I have done is not ok at all, I know that cybersex is a form of cheating and I do admit I have been cheating on both of my long term gf with cybersex. I really don?t want to. I seriously want to stop and simply be a fucking normal person. I really don?t like being who I am now. I don?t like being 21 and everytime the topic of sex comes up I get anxiety and cold sweats. I don?t want to live my life thinking about if I will be hard enough to penetrate a woman I love, or thinking about how much it fucking sucks going to a club and having a girl dance to you and your penis is dead. I don?t want to be this, I want to be fucking normal.
I would greatly appreciate any support you guys can give me and any advice is welcome. This is my first time posting here. Yesterday I posted on the forums that I need an accountability partner, is there anyone up for that? I wish you all a strong fight ahead.
Thank you all, The Laughing Joker.