47 to 30

[jfb]

Well, here I am.

I want to turn my life upside down. I want to stop dreaming, and start living. It's been over a year since I discovered I suffer from PMO addiction. I had suffered performance anxiety with previous girlfriends I had, but I always blamed my lack of experience. After watching that TEDx presentation by Gary Wilson, it dawned on me that for the last 15ish years I had been conditioning my brain through high-speed porn and unfathomable fantasies. I have been trying since April 2013 to shake myself off this, with varying luck. I did manage a good stretch of 60ish days, and some other 20ish days... but it all ended in a mess of anxiety attacks and guilt trips.

I will turn 30 in 47 days. In the past, I fantasized that by 30, I'd have a proper job, my own house and thinking of starting a family. I don't have any of those things... And I'm the sole reason for that. I know in my gut that I can do more, way more, to get all that, and more.

My plan is to turn 30, and be able to feel damn proud of the last 47 days of effort - and have a solid ground from where to grow as a human being.

Let the countdown begin.

 

[fnatk]

It's been over a year since I discovered I suffer from PMO addiction. After watching that TEDx presentation by Gary Wilson, it dawned on me that for the last 15ish years I had been conditioning my brain through high-speed porn and unfathomable fantasies. I have been trying since April 2013 to shake myself off this, with varying luck.

I will turn 30 in 47 days. In the past, I fantasized that by 30, I'd have a proper job, my own house and thinking of starting a family. I don't have any of those things... And I'm the sole reason for that. I know in my gut that I can do more, way more, to get all that, and more.

Hey there jfb! Reading this was almost like reading my own story as well! I discovered that I had a Porn Addiction from watching Gary Wilson's Ted Talk as well and even so, its taken me a year and a half to get to this stage where I'm registered on a forum, talking about my problem and truly trying to go PMO free.

I'll be turning 30 next year and like you, I feel like I've got nothing to show for it. I haven't got a higher education, no job atm, no money saved for a house/apartment... luckily I have at least started to get part of my life back on track and I'll be starting my studies this fall.

Most of us Porn addicts have become terrible procrastinators, and suffer from desensitization. But its not over for us! Yes we're getting very close to 30, but there's still time to get educated, find a good job we hopefully enjoy doing and even meet that special someone, start a family, buy a house etc. Its still all possible! We're just going to be coming a bit late to the table that's all

You've taken the biggest steps, you've admitted to yourself that you're an addict. That you have a problem, and you're trying to get rid of the addiction! Have you educated yourself more since watching that Ted Talk? There's so much good information over on www.yourbrainonporn.com for example or just watching Gabe's videos here on Youtube are a huge help and you'll find them here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaEqbNJURD6ChROqueUdNuA/videos

 

[jfb]

It's a real reassurement to know others are going through a similar stage in life, fnatk. Man, it sucks... You know that feeling when you log into Facebook, and all you see are smiles? or new jobs, or whatever? I used to feel down because of that, I compared myself (my worst self) to that. It is just now that I'm trying to correct this behaviour... People only use Facebook when they're going through great times. It gives off only one side of the real world.

Thanks for your words and suggestion! I'll make a daily habit of reviewing that website. I've read articles on and off throughout the year, but making a point of reviewing it a bit daily can only reinforce why I'm doing this. Thanks for the videos as well!!!

So today was a pretty good day. First days usually are, in my own experience. I guess that, in a way, I'm satiated and tired of porn, and that anger fuels me for now... However, that rage only lasts for so long, before I start getting anxiety. That's when I have to counter the cravings with healthier habits.

I've doing an online meditation course for some time now, and also forcing myself to go out and run. Now, if only my body naturally sought those things, instead of me having for power through it...

 

[jfb]

Oh man, today started like crap. In the morning, I read about the gaming industry, something I'm really into... and how misogynistic it is. The one field where people have a chance to have fun, be themselves, collaborate or compete on equal terms... and how some inbred part of it keep insisting on separating "true" male gamers and "opportunistic" female gamers. And don't get me started on a corporate level... the stuff women have to go through in there is a total shock.

Effectively, I didn't start my day until lunch. I was anxious and angry. Some thoughts started to creep in.. like "Hey, I don't know what to do. Why don't I..." but I cut it short, and started looking at my todo lists, and realised I had already planned my day ahead; that saved my ass. About to go to bed, and I'm feeling pretty content on how it turned out.

 

[noises1990]

Yeah, well don't let the gaming industry get you.. It's ruled by corporations that are taking away the fun of it for more and more profit. Good thing that you have a to do list, guess I should start one also.

Stop comparing yourself with other people man, that's toxic for your personality! Be who you are and improve the parts that YOU want to improve. Don't live your life for others!

Don't let the anxiety/panic attacks frighten you... I'm still having lots of panic attacks and general anxiety but I do hope they'll go away soon. Also, you could take some Magnesium with B6 (that helps with anxiety).

Also, don't let your dreams die out man! You can be that person that you always wanted to be! There is that perfect job somewhere out there for you! There is that perfect house that's waiting to be bought or built... And there is that family that's waiting on you to start it... Focus and visualize them, but don't stress yourself on them... They will come when it's their time to come!!

Till then... Stay strong! Stay focused! We're all looking for happiness!

 

[jfb]

Hey noises1990, thanks for your comment. That's great advice, today I compiled a list of things I want to be myself. I'll visualise my objectives and let them guide me, instead of urges and stress.

Attention! Long text ahead, hehe.

Yesterday night I didn't write anything because I went out with some old friends. We have changed a lot! But it's great to see them reunited again. I think it's one of those relationships that will last forever. Quite glad to have them.

And it's plain to the eye that they're also struggling, just as I am. Not about porn, but about other problems. Anxiety, mostly. The signs are very similar. In a way, I think everyone has the potential to be addicted to some kind of behaviour to avoid problems. Who likes problems, after all? Some people become addicted to alcohol, others to drugs, some actually become addicted to worrying, and magic thinking (that idea that if you think about all the possible outcomes, you negate them).

Problems are part of life. Stress, anxiety, sadness. All those are feelings that we experience because something hurt us, and they are sometimes unavoidable. Porn has been my escape goat all these years. I believe it's not too late to "rewire" my brain.

It will be painful. But hey, life is. We come to this life through pain. And we will leave through pain. Reading this you might think it's kind of a downer... but hey, I'm just trying to be realist. I'm not denying that happiness is also part of life. It's actually a balancing act.

I'd much rather have a life of pain and happiness that is mine whole, than trying to avoid pain at all costs, and causing extra pain on myself and those that are around me because I wanted a "quick fix".

I also wanted to write about my goal for the next 40ish days, and whatever is beyond, after re-reading Underdog's wonderful post (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0) about recovery.

My Life Vision:

My objective is quite simple: Be able to look at my reflection on the mirror and smile in a sincere way.

My objective here is to reach the best possible self I can be, of course. I want to attain physical and mental balance. I want to look at the mirror and feel proud and not even a trace of guilt (which is what I feel now!). I want to see a strong man, one that has and is training to become what he always wanted.

I am a person that loves knowledge, learning and helping others. I want to continue doing so; I am far from perfection, and that is fine. But I want to reach a point where every day I learn something new, so I can in turn teach as many of my tutors did in the past. I don't know a better way of expressing the gratitude I feel for my parents or professors or therapist than this. I am lucky enough to be a part-time teacher, and I've seen that special glow in people's eyes when they finally figure out something. It's an amazing experience, and way, way more fulfilling than any pseudo-sexual high that I've had in the past.

I want to meet that special someone, and not feel guilty. Guilty of having desired fetishes I no longer identify with, which I picked up in so many porn products  and erotic fantasies. I want to learn how to love them for who they are. I want to seduce and be seduced, and experiment with this person. Maybe even fantasize, but do it so about her, about what we have rather than what I saw in this or that internet video. I want us to be best friends on equal terms, to respect and complement each other.

I want to land my lifelong job aspiration: work in the videogame industry as an artist. I am a person that loves interactive entertainment, and have enjoyed it since I was a little boy. I've been specially moved by a handful of games that were able to transport you to a very believable world, with a story very much relatable, and then allowed you to experiment and be yourself or anybody you so desired. I am especially in love with games that promoted collaboration rather than competition. And, as a visual creator, I am especially drawn to those that had an unique style. I want to work on my craft daily and happily. Even though addiction is a negative noun, I really want to become "addicted" to working on something I truly love.

Ok, I know that was a wall of text. I bared myself there, heh. Let's see how it goes.

 

[jfb]

Well, shit. I reset my counter. This is not back to square one, but it definitely feels damn bad. I have been battling massive urges since last night, due to work. I'm very anxious about a particular piece of work I'm stuck with. I want to deliver my absolute best, but I'm blocked as hell. I've tried talking to people about it. I've poured hours on it, and gone to bed super late... and nothing came up yet.

My usual response was, of course, to fap and relieve myself a bit. I just did... and well. Do I feel better? Nope. Who cares? And objectively, the work is still there, undone. I need to get it done.

 

[jfb]

Yesterday and today were actually pretty good. I met with friends and had a ton of fun. Plenty of times I noticed I was looking at pretty girls on the street and averted my eyes away. After all, an alcoholic isn't going to beat his addiction looking at bars and paying attention to every beer ad in the street; I think it's the same for me. I need to stay away from any kind of trigger that could activate my urges.

Going to the beach was fun, though; whenever I felt any kind of anxiety building up, I just calmly went to the water and literally cooled off.

Onwards!