my 30 year long story

joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
At 46  Ive decided to make a decision.    For close to 30 years  i have been viewing porn in one form or another.  It started mid 80's  with old vcr tapes my dad had of the"golden Age of Porn"  You probably remember some of the names(dont think I should name them at the moment  in the 90s it was  the same tapes  but ones I had obtained.  than in 2000 came the internet  and websites galore.  And finally chat lines and casual hookup sites  exc'  I assume  I have an addiction as I view things and pmo on a fairly reg basis  I am married for 11 years now  and my wife knows I surf"a little porn" now and than  but not to the extent I am  We make love 2-3 times  month and its always great  I had a small history or being sexually abused  a long time ago  but have sufficiently put that behind me (I was into porn before that happened)  I lead a pretty full life  today  with a good job and some fun(non porn) hobbies

  Now    Why I'm here

        Ive found over the years  looking back  that I wasted so much time  surfing porn that other endeavors suffered greatly and I'm bothered by the lost time and oppertunities  Time I def cannot get back  I want to stop wasting this time  and get productive in life  Having done some reading  and learning bout relapse  Having told myself so many times  I dont need this stuff  other guys dont do it  they got better lives  than me  They are out doing things  living life  and I'm sitting here clicking away beating my meat and  It came to me what a failure ive been  in so many ways and why did it not  bother me that much?

    Porn was a time filling crutch and  an easy reward  based activity that took no effort  at all  slowely rewiring my brain.

    So looking around  and doing slot of reading  I realize I'm in for a battle.  Not so much a battle to not view porn anymore  but a battle to regain control of my time and energy  to do the things I want to do  and achieve the goals  I want to achieve

    So all the advice in the world is going to be welcome    I am at present 6 days  into the fight for my time  I'm going through all the great things in my mind that I want to do and realizing how far behind  I am  and the amount of work it will take to catch up  I have been a musician for 28 years  but have never reached any of the goals  I wanted to

      And so it begins on the 21st of Dec 2017  I viewed my last image of porn
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey 57      I cant say I have any side issues  I have given up pmo in the past for as long as 2 months and had no side issues there either I think i only went back out of sheer boredom  I didnt have any  cash to pursue  hobbies with and  my friends had somewhat moved on exc  guess I'll have to see what happens after the 3 month mark    These days I have a lot more going on    Like my original post says  it may become more a batter of getting ionto the life I want  and not getting out of a life I dont want    How is your reboot going
 
57yrold

57yrold

Active Member
I have bad porn-induced ED, and delayed ejaculation.  That's what initiated my reboot.

I'm almost to 10 weeks (70 days) but I'm seeing no improvement in those areas.

I do feel better overall.  Much less social anxiety.  I'm much more relaxed overall.

Best thing so far is how close I feel with my wife. 

I did have side effects from giving up PMO, but I think those were all the standard flatline stuff.  No libido, shrunken penis, depression/anxiety, etc.  Most of that has improved, but as I mentioned, I'm still not getting anything close to an erection.

I have to give it more time, which I'm fine with.

I won't look at porn again, ever, and I don't want to M until these problems are gone.

Again, best of luck to you!  I hope you achieve all you goals!
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
Well Friends    another day gone by  no pmo  no urges  only noticed  a few triggers    suppose it helps  that Ive been quite busy    hoipe to keep it together when wife back to work and kids in school
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
And its another day  clean  a few common triggers  no urges yet    I imagine I should feel ok for at least anothwer week  It was always around the end of the 2nd week  I would feel the urge  Meantime  keep really busy
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
2 more days gone by  that makes it 10      I do feel a lot more tired and low on energy than usual  not sure if this is related to not drinking soda pop with caffeine in it  its now been about 4 days for that (i didn't plan on giving up pop  i just ran out of coke and got into ginger ale  just kid of happened)  It really helps reading others posts and learning tips  and keeping my mind off  any possible urges


    post often  it helps you it helps me
 
B

Broadfield78

Member
Well done joe and good luck for your continued success. I am just starting out and finding it VERY difficult but your original post really resonated with me as that?s exactly how I feel - I have wasted so much time over the last 15 years or so. I have felt depressed and suffered with anxiety on and off for years and could never work out why until recently. It?s only from all the reading I have done that I now understand the cause and I am desperate to stop PMO. It?s just so difficult at first so I appreciate people like you sharing your success stories and keeping me motivated.
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
Hi Broadfield

                        Thanks for the comments  although I dont yet feel successful  as its now day 11(i hope the 90 days does it)  I do feel very confident  and I think all the reading has really helped    How deep is your addiction  in a way  I'm not sure mine is as intense as some here  Its a very long (30 years)  but ive never experienced  ED or DE  or flatline yet  I wonder if this is something I'm going to face at some point  guess the future will tell  Do as much reading as you can especially from the people  who are winning the battles  find someone here with a problem closest to your own  and work together  sometimes just the chatting back and fourth  helps by giving you something  to look forward to online  and of course  work on any other underlying problems you have  take your time to think about how best to help yourself

    But in the meantime  its day 11

    post often  it  helps  me it helps you
 
B

Broadfield78

Member
Thanks Joe, funnily enough I have been thinking the same thing - I thought my problem was pretty intense but doing all the reading I have I am coming to the conclusion that, although I desperately want to be free from PMO, it probably isnt as bad as many others are experiencing. I am not quite 40 and probably I started PMO at 18. That was long before streaming video etc and so in a way I am lucky that I wasn't too young when that came about as I suspect my addiction isn't quite as bad as some others.

I have progressed from soft P, to 'normal', but only in the last year or so have I noticed I have been looking at more extreme things - still not extreme in the true sense of the word, but certainly harder stuff than I have in the past. That is what has given me the push to want to stop because reading other stories on here etc. I can see where it could end up and I want to break free if I can, before it gets to that. That said, when my PMO happens it tends to be for several hours a time, regardless of the content (could be as simple as soft modelling type photos) - and its the amount of time I have lost from my life that disturbs me. I cant help thinking that the depression/disgust I feel afterwards having been so secretive about what I have done & acting normally when I see my wife/family/friends sometimes an hour or so later is what has led to my anxiety and general depression over the last 10 years or so. I want to be free and feel better about myself and my morals.

Re: PIED etc. I have experienced this very mildy in the last 2 years, maybe 3 or 4 occasions, and as a result I ended up using Viagra because I wasn't connecting the dots as to the cause. The last 6 months I have used Porn less than before, and for less long periods, and that seems to have stopped the ED problem, but again, I could see where I could end up if I dont sort this problem out for good and I don't want to inflict that problem on myself - its madness when you think about it!  I have a very beautiful wife and we have a great relationship - why risk throwing that away through such selfishness and weakness? I am determined not to let it happen!

Good luck on your continued journey, you are doing great so far - and now its new year - added incentive to be the person you want to be this year. You can do it and just think what you will have achieved if you can repeat what you have already done (11 days) a few times over.

All the best
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
12 days and counting

                                  12 days now and feeling pretty good  once again the true test will be next week when everyone is gone from the house for work and school  may need a little added support for the 1st few days  I suppose I should start  planning things to do to get me either out of the house or really busy  so I dont actually have time  for a relapse  I'm feeling pretty good  I think it might have helped that I got the jump on it  over a week before New Years.  It really helps to have up to date reading here  to help keep my eyes on the goal    sometimes a bit difficult  as I still have no intention of filling in my wife  I'm hoping to win the battle  leave it behind and move on with life    She has no idea  I'm doing this and our sex life is pretty healthy

    Broadfield  its good to hear your story  and thoughts    How many days are you non pmo/mo  I'd be glad to track you and support you  chat back and fourth  sharing ideas and  insights

      meanwhile  time to start thinking about what to do next week
 
B

Broadfield78

Member
Hey Joe, well done you are doing fantastically well. I hope that you have plenty of plans in place for next week to keep yourself busy and keep your run going

What do you do for work or are you not working at the moment? I only ask as I am not working at the moment either as I am a consultant and only tend to work 8 or 9 months a year. The original plan was that I would achieve a great work life balance and love the time off - what a privileged position to be in - however, it depresses me to think how much of that time in the last year i wasted due to PMO. And now I?ve signed a new contract and will be back to work in a couple of weeks. What a waste :(. However, this summer I hope to be off again and ?fixed? by then! Like you, time alone is a massive trigger for me and I?ve learnt that maybe I should work as much as possible during my reboot - and in the office not working from home which is what I often do a couple of days a week.

My wife went back to work this week and I am sorry to say I have failed. Today is day 1 again. It was weird, it was a massive binge, more than I have done in the past 6 months or so (longer sessions not content wise) and it was almost as though my brain was saying ?if you are giving this up I need some warning, if I?m not getting this any more I want one last fix!?. I do feel properly ready now and am starting again. All my porn filters are set up and running (I created random passwords and hid them in a list of 200 other random passwords so takes ages to find the right one!)

I hope this helps remind you how important next week is for you as we sound very similar in our experiences and position in many ways - if you can set up 2 or 3 porn blockers with random passwords (and not software you can just uninstall to get round it - some programs need the password to uninstall too) maybe it will put you in a strong position to counter any urges you might have?

Congrats again on your progress and keep going!
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey Broadfield

              Sorry to hear you relapsed.  Was there a trigger?  What time did it occur?  Yes the free time  is probably our main issue  But anyway  get right back on the counter and start with day 1  maybe try to use the day to  figure out some task that needs to be done  and grind yourself till its done  than continuously look at it afterward and congratulate yourself on a job well done.  I have done this and found that even though its a baby step it still gives me a sense of accomplishment

    In the meantime  all my  future postings will be in the "age 40 and up" forums  you'll see my name  Joepanic

    cheers

        post often it helps you it helps me
 
B

Broadfield78

Member
Thanks Joe, I feel a lot more ?ready? for this attempt, like I got something out my system and said goodbye to it so fingers crossed. I will keep a look out for you on the 40+ forum
 
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