I am a 35 years old engineer. I am feeling the same way Rip Wan Winkle does when he wakes up from sleep. I feel I have lost 17 years of my life.
It started when I was 18, one morning I wake up and felt that there is something missing, I pannicked so much why I have lost my senses what happened ? I went to 14 different doctors so far. Urologists did all examinations and found nothing, I thought this desensitization was caused from nerve entrapment as I had a small spinal cord enlargement in lower back. The result was again " you are normal "I had carvernosis injections, npt tests, blood tests, hormone tests everything. Again end up nothing. I was reading their subjects so much that doctors often got mad at me. I was preying god for a solid cause but all said psychological.
I started PMO ing when I was 15. Before the cable Internet came, as a computer lover, I was carrying small porn scenes from friends in floppies. I was a real shy guy and I was not taken into student groups. And girls were so much away from me to reach, I always fell in love but one sided and from miles away
Together with porn, unfortunately I have developped an attraction to some piece of fetish to one piece of their uniform that time. I hate to say it's name even. Later it turned to a crossdressing thing.
With the connection of cable internet to my room at age 16, I jumped into a jungle of dreams fired from porn having that fetish. Later on I started to collect that piece of cloth and for each different type there was a porn movie available. Soon I was crossdressing with them and fantasizing. It is disturbing my sexual identity. The wirst thing you can do your self is connecting a real solid matter with the porn world. Your brain feels really living in it . DON'T DO ?T ! Not after a long time, ED and empthyness came on that unforgettable morning.
So far in my life I don't remember a real relationship, I can only see it in movies again in pixels. I have a huge desire for being loved. I find myself so ugly. So depressing. Am I going to live all alone all my life I am asking my self all the time. Everytime I look at the miror I feel more ugly. So far I had an attempt for sexual intercourse only once when I was 24 with a rented lover but I felt nothing, I was from another world. I brought my fetish objects, laptop for a second try later but nothing changed, the girl laughed at me, I cried so bad, wanted to die.
After years I have found the cause as soon as I found YBOP site on the web. I have reached the site while I was searching for dopamine & libido relation. I was prescribed dopamine reuptake inhibitors, to help me with libido. The doctor did not believe me as it did not make any change. ( I believe this is a proof that too much stimulation burns the dopamine receptors, and they don't develop unless you give the chance to rewire the nerve network ). All symptoms the therapists saw on me match with the symptoms everyone is experiencing on the forum such as severe social anxiety, staying away from girls, depression not curing, heavy brain fog.
I tried to reboot but relapsed 10 times for passed 90 days. I could not manage it. Even without porn I go to pictures everytime on the web, cannot stop. There are voices appering inside me to convince for a next try. But what I discovered is I have a new feeling of excitement for 30 seconds on next try after no PMO of 10 days. Do you think this is a sign ? Do you guys think that I have a second chance ? Do you believe that my brain will be attached to real love ever again even doesn't know what it is ?
I am so alone, I really want all of you to hold my hands and help, I want to promise a buddy and keep it and not do it!
It started when I was 18, one morning I wake up and felt that there is something missing, I pannicked so much why I have lost my senses what happened ? I went to 14 different doctors so far. Urologists did all examinations and found nothing, I thought this desensitization was caused from nerve entrapment as I had a small spinal cord enlargement in lower back. The result was again " you are normal "I had carvernosis injections, npt tests, blood tests, hormone tests everything. Again end up nothing. I was reading their subjects so much that doctors often got mad at me. I was preying god for a solid cause but all said psychological.
I started PMO ing when I was 15. Before the cable Internet came, as a computer lover, I was carrying small porn scenes from friends in floppies. I was a real shy guy and I was not taken into student groups. And girls were so much away from me to reach, I always fell in love but one sided and from miles away
Together with porn, unfortunately I have developped an attraction to some piece of fetish to one piece of their uniform that time. I hate to say it's name even. Later it turned to a crossdressing thing.With the connection of cable internet to my room at age 16, I jumped into a jungle of dreams fired from porn having that fetish. Later on I started to collect that piece of cloth and for each different type there was a porn movie available. Soon I was crossdressing with them and fantasizing. It is disturbing my sexual identity. The wirst thing you can do your self is connecting a real solid matter with the porn world. Your brain feels really living in it . DON'T DO ?T ! Not after a long time, ED and empthyness came on that unforgettable morning.
So far in my life I don't remember a real relationship, I can only see it in movies again in pixels. I have a huge desire for being loved. I find myself so ugly. So depressing. Am I going to live all alone all my life I am asking my self all the time. Everytime I look at the miror I feel more ugly. So far I had an attempt for sexual intercourse only once when I was 24 with a rented lover but I felt nothing, I was from another world. I brought my fetish objects, laptop for a second try later but nothing changed, the girl laughed at me, I cried so bad, wanted to die.
After years I have found the cause as soon as I found YBOP site on the web. I have reached the site while I was searching for dopamine & libido relation. I was prescribed dopamine reuptake inhibitors, to help me with libido. The doctor did not believe me as it did not make any change. ( I believe this is a proof that too much stimulation burns the dopamine receptors, and they don't develop unless you give the chance to rewire the nerve network ). All symptoms the therapists saw on me match with the symptoms everyone is experiencing on the forum such as severe social anxiety, staying away from girls, depression not curing, heavy brain fog.
I tried to reboot but relapsed 10 times for passed 90 days. I could not manage it. Even without porn I go to pictures everytime on the web, cannot stop. There are voices appering inside me to convince for a next try. But what I discovered is I have a new feeling of excitement for 30 seconds on next try after no PMO of 10 days. Do you think this is a sign ? Do you guys think that I have a second chance ? Do you believe that my brain will be attached to real love ever again even doesn't know what it is ?
I am so alone, I really want all of you to hold my hands and help, I want to promise a buddy and keep it and not do it!
