Back On The Wagon: 2

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PE30

Well-Known Member
Today is day five. Off the top of my head, here are some of the benefits so far of being clean:

- I feel less morally compromised. Just better overall. I feel cleaner.
- I'm more present with friends and family.
- I've installed a phone use tracker and I've been on or under two hours a day each day since the start of this reboot. I'd like to get this down further, maybe to 1h30, but it's helped me examine the phone usage side of things.
- I was having some trouble with how my penis felt (oversensitivity) but that's all gone
- I don't feel like I have to plan times when my wife and I have sex. We had it spontaneously on Friday night before bed, which was really good.
- I can go to church today with a clean outlook and knowing I'm not compromised.

I've still got a long long way to go. I still feel like my spiritual life is not where it should be, and I'm still stressed about work. Both of these are areas that I need to focus on, so that I don't fall foul of the triggers that lead me to relapse. Also I need to not look back. If I'm honest with you all, part of the reason I quit was because I had a very open offer of sleeping with another woman who lives locally to me. On Tuesday morning I had a crossroads moment: if I keep going with this I could destroy my marriage and family for the sake of my lust. In spite of the massive danger, there's still a part of me that grieves for what I've walked away from, and I need to let that part of me die entirely. Or more actively, I need to kill it.
 
Pete McVries

Pete McVries

Active Member
PE30 said:
In spite of the massive danger, there's still a part of me that grieves for what I've walked away from, and I need to let that part of me die entirely. Or more actively, I need to kill it.
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Click me

Maybe, it's the wrong approach. If we are assuming that we are addicted for life, maybe we shouldn't try to kill the 'lust' or the 'addiction' but rather learn how to cope with it or how to keep it under control and not act out anymore? Killing something is a final act and perhaps it is impossible in our case? Just some food for thought!

Take care and keep on going, seems like you are doing all the right things to get back on track!

PE30 said:
lots of people on here said they'd looked up to my example and I felt like I'd let everyone down.
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You are not a shining example (who is and who really wants to be one?!) but you are one of us who is showing us how to save one's neck... 8)
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Pete, I think you're right - I'm an addict for life, but let's hope that I live the rest of my life in recovery and not in the grips of addiction. I think the "killing" of an addiction is something that we have to do over and over again. It might be in the grand gesture - deleting all our apps, installing blockers etc - but it's more accurately a daily (or sometimes hourly) choice. I'm killing it right now because I'm choosing to be on here instead of pining after what I've lost. I hope that makes sense.

Just to say that I've installed an app called ActionDash - this has been really helpful in enabling my to keep an eye on my phone use. It's shone a light on just how many hours I waste on my phone when I'm spiralling / relapsing.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Day six. It's weird: this is the first proper reboot I've done that hasn't been precipitated by some external trigger (my wife getting suspicious, a message out of the blue from someone, etc). As a result, I feel happier and less devastated, but the temptation to relapse is stronger. After all, it would be easy to hide and without immediate consequence. However I think it's probably good to reboot in this manner. Guilt fades, suspicion diminishes, and at some point we all have to live our lives with our own inner moral compass as our guide. So it's down to me to live the life I'm supposed to live.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Day eight almost over with!

Probably the trickiest day on the reboot so far, as I was working from home. I was tempted a few times. But I've stayed the course. I think it sometimes helps to recognise the temptation at the start of the day, realise that it's going to be a difficult day, and resolve to keep clean. In my case, I achieved this by having lots of music on (including Christian music first thing), keeping as close to my to-do list as possible, and using safer spaces (e.g. talking to friends) when I was feeling bored of working.

I am due to be WFHing next week as well, but my wife is going to be with me so that'll be nice. I mean, it's no guarantee of staying clean (sadly it's far too easy to hide this sort of activity) but it's a help.

I am taking it one day at a time. I am turning 40 in 2 months' time and my aim is to make it through the last couple of months of my 30s clean. But I can't do that unless I am clean today and clean tomorrow, and that's about as far ahead as I dare look.

For those who pray, please pray that I'll stay firm.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
This is day 12. Not an awful lot to report - temptation was quite high when I woke up this morning but I have managed to resolve it in my head. I wonder if the temptation will ever really go away. I think it will, but it'll return again, and I need to be prepared for that.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 14 done. It's been a really tough couple of days with work, and there's a part of me that just wants to dive into the deep end as a means of dealing with the stress and emotional impact of it all. Old me would have done so without a shadow of a doubt.

I'm pleased with having got to two weeks, even though I really don't feel like anywhere close to being as emotionally settled as I was previously. As I said before, my first target is two months' clean, which would take me to the second day of our summer holiday.

I need to keep in mind that I am making small sacrifices for great gains.
 
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aquarius25

Respected Member
Just remember every big journey starts with one foot in front of the other. Its all about those little steps building to something great. You are doing a fantastic job, keep it up. Remember you can't change yesterday, and no amount of trying will bring tomorrow any sooner so live for today. Be the best version you can of yourself now. Two weeks is fantastic! All of the men who have left porn for 1 yr, 5 yrs and beyond all started with 2 hrs, 2 days, 2 months and so forth.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Thank you :) If you look at my journey over the last few years, I've gone from being able to go a month clean, to two months, to three and a bit, to five, to eight...

I think there's a clear decision isn't there, at the start of each day? I mean, I'll be honest: I felt tempted this morning. I'm working from home and it'd be really easy just to slip back into the habit. But I have decided that I don't want to do that today. I think it says in the Bible that if we resist the devil, he will flee from us. That's encouraging isn't it? It means that we're not destined to be permanently taunted and tempted by him, but that the temptation will flee if we stand firm.

Anyway, this is day 15.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 16 today - I've been quite busy today but then I'm home alone this evening. I think it's a good idea to post on things like this as it helps to ground my mind in the right things. I don't want to go back to the way things were. It's just not worth it.
 
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Lero

Guest
Around 2 weeks is where I've noticed good things in the past but I haven't reached that in some time. If you reach 2 weeks, it's not worth it relapsing, especially if you feel benefits. And if after 2 weeks the withdrawal comes hard, the brain is good at convincing you that you should just relapse because you could get back there next time which makes me laugh because next time it will be the same. The withdrawal doesn't change with new attempts. We should just go through it once and be done with it.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
I'm not sure if I'm experiencing good effects yet - just lots of temptation! I am on day 19 though so that's good.

It's depressing how difficult this is when it's not triggered by some crisis or another, and is just coming about as a result of my will to change. Maybe that's saying something though: it's possibly building resilience whereas I previously ran on fear.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 21. It's been a tricky reboot so far but I'm hanging in there. Just need to concentrate on the goal at the end: a simple life, free from addiction.
 
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Lero

Guest
PE30 said:
Day 21. It's been a tricky reboot so far but I'm hanging in there. Just need to concentrate on the goal at the end: a simple life, free from addiction.
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Things are starting to move well, man. Keep going.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
I'm sure I'll get there. Things to remember:

- I'm physically capable of not going onto chat rooms and porn sites. It's always a decision not to.
- I have done this before. 1,2,3,5,8 months. Maybe this is like the Fibonacci sequence and my next reboot will be 13 months :D
- It's what I want (a clean, simple life)
- the alternative will cost me my marriage and my family.
 
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