Is it worth it?

[whereismoxy]

dear reader,

I have not been on Reboot Nation for a few years now.  I am back because I am struggling to keep up the good fight.  Since October 2017, it has been the most difficult struggle of my life to cleanse myself from PMO & its effects on my life.  I believe journaling here can help me achieve the success that I know I am capable of.   

A little background of myself, I am 26 years old.  I have been depressed and socially anxious for most of my life.  I'm more socially isolated than ever at the moment.  I cannot muster up the courage to talk to women because I feel as though as soon as I open my mouth, they'll know, see, & feel all of my flaws and will be immediately repulsed by me, so why bother with the humiliation? 

I am persistent to start my career in sales & in the entertainment industry, but have been rejected a number of times by employers in my career field.  I've gained at least 40 pounds since the Fall of 2017, and since sales is all about selling yourself, I'm determined to lose weight before I start applying again, and to get my confidence back.  I'm only about 8 days clean from PMO.  I signed up for a gym membership on January 6th, 2018, lifting weights & starting cardio again, but, have not seen the numbers on the scale go down, only up.  I'm beginning to eat healthier, and cook my own food again but, because I am so alone, there're still times I binge eat to make the pain of loneliness go away, even though I know the temporary satisfaction is extremely fleeting.

I know that I am better than this.  I am a former athlete.  I'm a hardworker & persevered throughout my entire adult life.  I know that there are better people out in the world who are struggling more than I am, but are able to overcome their obstacles.  My self-esteem is at all time low, & fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I feel more worthless and ugly.  I am seeing a therapist to help with this, & she is aware of my addiction and has my back in trying to get rid of this shame.   

I plan to write here often, and hope that this page soon becomes a place of positivity of hope & inspiration.  I apologize for the sad introduction, but this is where I am right now, and do not have anyone else, besides my therapist, to talk to about this.

Thank you, & to all of your success,

rob

 

[whereismoxy]

DAY 13

about to finish day 13 on a strong note.  finishing working on my car, meal prepped my food for the week & looking forward to clean eating habits again, for now.  had a strong workout at the gym earlier.  new goal for this upcoming weeks is to get in the gym early.  im talking around 6AM.  i've been waking up REFRESHED again, & not like a lifeless zombie.  i'ts gotten to the point where i feel like i don't need coffee, but i make it anyway because it is such a habit.  maybe i'll try tomorrow.  i feel like the dark clouds are starting to dissipate, but of course those can always come back on this long journey.  i'm just so thankful im out of it for now, because days 0-9 were some of the worst depressive, and anxious episodes of my life. 

anyways, good things, good feelings, positive energy about sums up my experiences since i posted here couple days ago.

good luck everyone!

 

[beggsie]

Hey mate, good stuff! Great to hear that you're starting to feel better. What kind of habits have helped you reboot? I know working out is important but has there been anything else in your day to day life that has helped? The longest I've gone is 5 months but I've been slipping up lately. I've been trying to quit since 2013.

 

[whereismoxy]

beggsie,

asides from working out, i would say a clean diet.  eating clean, and eliminating excess sugars, processed foods, etc., is a huge game changer, especially once you get super consistent with a clean diet. 

journaling, or some sort of release where you can express what you've been feeling & going through is another underrated method that I think not enough people are getting.  having support, whether through friends & family, or therapist, or people on the internet is extremely relieving. 

and then, no longer making PMO an option too you.  remove from it from your vocabulary.  make it so it no longer power over you, & for me, the best way to too do that is to get it out of your thoughts.  which of course takes immense will-power, but i know that we can do it. 

thanks for dropping in! 

 

[aquarius25]

Sounds like you have an upbeat attitude. I thought I would drop by and say hi, lol. You must be a pretty determined person to be able to go into sales. We have a business and sales it the hardest part (in my opinion, lol). If you can handle that then you can most certainly handle this! Keep up the positive attitude. Write down some goals and keep them where you can see them and be reminded of where you are going! Great job!

 

[whereismoxy]

hi aquarius25, thanks for dropping by, i appreciate it.

DAY 17

regarding sales & the career change, the hardest part has been landing the job. i've been trying to get into the professional sports market & have had about 6 interviews with different teams and 0 job offers. its been discouraging at times, and shaken my self-confidence a bit. its like they know, or suspect im a porn addict. and in some ways, maybe my addiction rubs off in interviews and the way i behave. i wouldnt want to hire that guy, either. which is why im going to abstain from PMO the best i can, work my tail off in the gym, & show up in my next interview as a brand new man. so for the next couple months, no more sending in job applications, & just focusing on myself and looking too improve myself day by day, the best way i know how.

make it a great day everyone

 

[LeafandStem]

Great to hear your positivity! Best of luck.

 

[whereismoxy]

DAY 20

checking in. 

after a strong workout, and nice drive, came home and feeling slightly depressed.  believe it is just loneliness hitting me in the feels.  will not PMO, as comforting & tempting it may be to resort to it.  hope it gets better soon.

make it a great day 

 

[whereismoxy]

DAY 21

just waking up and lying in bed, about to start day 21 on this beautiful sunday.

first signs of MW (exciting!) & this is the earliest ive woken up in a relatively long time.

now, time for a cold shower, a coffee & off to the gym!

make it great everyone!

 

[whereismoxy]

day 23

guessing im going through the flatline phase, as everything feels a little dull again.

the best i can do is focus on the present moment and make sure to keep taking care of myself.

one thing is for sure, is that i feel so much better about myself now, than when i am using PMO

 

[Jones]

Keep going going man I'm happy for ya. I'm right behind you on 17 days lets see who can reach the 90 days  ;D .at least we have a reason not to give in. I'm also in a deep flatline as well.

 

[whereismoxy]

day 24

cant help but feel like im missing out on life & getting left behind. im seeing how so many of my colleagues and peers have gotten jobs and found success in these recent weeks and cant help but feel upset at times. i tell them congratulations but often wonder when is "my time". also, alot of my friends have or are finding significant others, where i have isolated for so many of these past years, even if deep down those are not my initial intentions. hopefully, this is only withdrawal enhancing my sadness, but i'd be lying if it doesnt hurt right now.

 

[whereismoxy]

hey jones, i'll race you there

benefits through these first 24 days despite feelings of withdrawl.

1.  for the most part i can go into a social situation with my head up, smiling, & holding eye contact. not a big deal for most people, but its a huge improvement for me. when im using PMO, i have to force myself while dealing with severe social anxiety.

2. the bags under my eyes are more or less gone!  i like looking at my face in those gym mirrors. its a big difference compared to a month ago & my sleeping habits are about the same. except...

3.  been waking up a bit earlier without an alarm. i want to wake up earlier and get workouts done before 10am eventually. we'll get there.

4. feel more. not sure how to explain it clearly, but, i just "feel" on a deeper level. with work, friends, past times, there have been waves of emotions, good & bad, but its a great thing.

only 24 days clean, but i feel way better now than when im using PMO to cope.

1 day at a time ladies & germs.

 

[LeafandStem]

Well in Moxy! Glad you are having positive results. I know the feeling of social anxiety, little improvements can feel amazing!

 

[whereismoxy]

day 27

have to get this off my chest so can i move forward

edged laat night, no P, no O. a hour long edge session. i feel a little gulty and shameful. so much so im having trouble getting out of the house. not sure if i'll reset my counter. hoping its just a minor setback to the process. hoping a strong workout today will rid some of the guilt.

 

[Jones]

Edging can be a really big deal,but since it without p I'd say it's just a red flag....might kinda set you back but keep going. I myself had a half-awake wet dream (if that's what it's called) and I feel as if I relapse. It's like I was really watching p and then I O'ed. I hate the guilty feeling,might just skip this day .

 

[whereismoxy]

youre right, it is a big deal for sure. on the one hand, i had an awesome workout that negates those negative feelings earlier this morning. and i hit a new personal record on the squat rack! 8)

if i dont feel back to normal tomorrow i'm gonna reset the counter. (still feel a little brain foggy from last nights feel good chemical stew  )

thanks for the advice, jones

 

[whereismoxy]

MO'ed late last night, no P.

down but not out. going to reset the counter. i do not believe all progress is lost, & i know where i went wrong this last relapse.

 

[whereismoxy]

been a week of relapsing to MO. today feels like i'll start holding myself more accountable. no P invovled which is new for me. not feeling those ill effects from a normal PMO binge. nonetheless, M is an addiction for me, and would like to rewire my brain.

went to my first SA meeting on tuesday which was great, think ill be trying to attend once a week. have a job interview tomorrow. losing weight and feel like im trending upwards.

day 1

 

[whereismoxy]

Day 10

Back on the saddle after taking the year off. Was not the best decision making, but we all know how alluring this addiction is. Going to start 2019 on a strong foot. Moving to a new city to finally start my career with a great organization.  So, the way I see it, I have to keep clean to achieve my goals and finally become the man I?ve always envisioned myself to be. I still struggle with self-doubt and wonder if 200 day free PMO me is going to be any different than PMO ?me?.  I really, really hope so guys.  I?ve felt totally worthless for far too long.

What are you guys thoughts & advice?

Thank you