It's time - I need help

[Griff1101]

Hi Folks
So here's an account of how I have reached my decision day

As the title suggest the time has arrived. I watched porn again today after a 3 day break. I have dodged this for long enough and now it is making me too unhappy to not to do something about it.
I have viewed porn since I was a teen but it has never been compulsive until a few years ago. Looking back on it now I think this was due to a lack of access rather than mental strength. I think I probably have had always had a weakness for it but it just never really had a chance to truly manifest itself.
My porn usage I believe has been a problem for about 3-4 years. Over this time period I had really started down the classic path of greater frequency, and stronger and stronger material. Both with the effect that my usage has been controlling me and not the other way around. I have viewed porn at inappropriate times (where if discovered, which was not beyond the realm of possibility, I would have lost my job and at other times I could have thrown away my relationship, which would have been even worse). I have now started to feel the effect of, what I believe is, PIED. The PIED has started over the last number of months but has not been extremely pronounced but I feel it is getting worse. It strikes when having sex with my girlfriend, usually it starts fine but I go soft during.  I don't know if this has been the major driver of my now seeking help but it probably is. If this is the case then I am ashamed of myself because my frequency, risk taking behaviour and particularly some of the material I have viewed have really, really scared me at times over the last few years.
I discovered ybop a few months ago after having a particularly bad time and doing an internet search for porn addiction and finally filtering out all the faith based stuff ( not judging it's just not for me). It was like an epiphany (sorry couldn't resist ), but seriously I finally thought that I had found the tool to help my quit. I started a personal journal and kicked porn for 17 days then relapsed. Kicked it again relapsed, etc. Since then I have either been off porn or on a relapse (sometimes extended). My porn usage has been slightly better (if you know what I mean), in terms of frequency behaviour and content but I can feel myself sliding back.
I have an absolutely amazing girlfriend who has agreed to marry me. I have hinted lightly that I'm not particularly happy about my porn use to her before at about Christmas. I has caused fights between us both directly and indirectly. The worst one was when she found a picture of a girl on my computer from an amateur porn site (it was a fully clothed girl and for all the world looked like a normal picture if somewhat suggestive) and she thought I was having an affair. That nearly crushed me as I was planning at that stage to ask her to marry me. I thought the shock alone would be enough to break my habit, it wasn't. I could confess to her and she is so good I believe that she would help me in this but I can't do it for a whole host of reasons but mostly because I can't erode who I believe I am in her eyes that much. I just won't tell her.
So there it is, I need to do this, I have to do this. I have tried and failed on my own, I will not turn to anybody I know personally, so I turn to you.

I need help getting through this. Please help

Thanks

Griff

Edit: For the sake of honesty I feel I should point out that my relapses in times above have mostly been binges or at least long periods of use before trying again

 

[Androg]

If you can't beat your limbic brain into submission, then it's time to try strengthening your frontal cortex (executive control). There are several good ways to do that. They all take time and consistency. Exercise, daily cold showers, meditation, time in nature away from devices and socializing are all very effective. You can learn more about all of them here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/solo-tools

Maybe give your GF this: http://yourbrainonporn.com/boyfriend-quitting-porn-5-tips

Do you notice if you relapse after sex? That may sound weird, but you'll see why I ask here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-chaser

Relapse tips: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/i-relapsed-what-now

 

[Griff1101]

Androg,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciated all the links. I have still decided to go solo but at least I have access to the info if I change my mind. Once again thank you so much.

Griff

 

[Griff1101]

So at an effort to keep a journal here goes

Today I had a few urges first in the morning thinking about my girlfriend, then when I was walking the dog in the park. The real problems started when I got back from work. I was home alone and the urge came on really strong. I was a hairs breath away from breaking, thankfully I didn't I came on here and read on journal and read Androj's links which thankfully sorted me out for now. Found it a little scary how strong the urge was, as I am usually pretty good the first day, it's made me worry about how this is going to go.

 

[Brooklyn Jerry]

  You can do it, I know I will. Been JO since I was 12, no porn, then pictures,TV shows, you know,Ginger on Gilligans Island. Never a problem since I was young an full of cum. The real problem was DVD then the Internet. Of course I had a few 8mm films back in the day, but that took some setting up,hard to do on the QT. The Internet made it so easy.did it at work on weekends, or when I closed the shop. When my wife was gone, I was on the computer plenty. After she passed away, I told myself I had a good excuse to view porn. Then I met a lady and could have had sex again, but at the same time got an IPad, it made getting online a snap. Well after thinking I was just getting older and experiencing a natural decline I found this forum. I learned how porn effects the brain.i knew I was feeling guilty when I would after binging, clear out all the clips I had saved as a favorite,then begin a new list a day later.  Take it one hour at a time.It will get easier.

 

[Griff1101]

Jerry,

Thanks for the support man I really appreciate it. Sorry to hear about your wife passing that must make things really tough. It impressive that you don't just use that as an excuse, hopefully I can be as strong as that if I'm ever faced by problems that big.

Thanks again.

Griff

 

[Griff1101]

Journal Day 2.

Had an enjoyable day in the main. Didn't come nearly as close to breaking as yesterday which is a bit of a relief. Went out with my girlfriend and on the way we had a rather in depth conversation about fantasies which got me pretty fired up but no urges to watch porn. When we came home that had worn off. We had sex which in the main was really good but at the end, right at the very end, I just lost it which was a bit frustrating but I've decided not to focus on it and just to focus on the nice evening we had in total.

Just a general question - Is it a bad idea to talk about fantasies with my girlfriend? We haven't done that for a long time and it really felt like it was bringing us closer sexually and personally. It wasn't a sexually explicit conversation (or at least not an imagining of things we would like to do) but more a discussion of our likes and fantasies. Will it slow my recovery, or block it completely?

Thanks,

Griff

 

[Griff1101]

Journal Day 3

Writing this today for yesterday. Had a good day in the main which is great as I struggle at the weekend particularly. Spent most of it with my girlfriend which is obviously why it was easier, but hey, I'll take what I can get. We didn't have sex but we did talk about it a little. Overall it was a pretty relaxing day slept late, had a few triggers in the morning waiting for my girlfriend to wake up but it was actually not that bad, I diverted here to control it. We did house stuff then had a sauna.

Unfortunately today I learnt that life can be short and illness cruel (a friend's brother was told that he would prob pass away in a week or so).

Today I am grateful for my health and that of those I love, I was grateful for the fact I really enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, and my dog because he make me laugh.

 

[winterwolf]

Does she now your struggle? Does she know exactly what you are going through? She has to know.

Every time you watch porn you are destroying yourself. Of course I get it, we all get it. The quick fix, it's accessible and easy. It is never boring.

You have been having fairly acceptable sex until now, but that will change sooner than you think. You are treading real sex with the love of your life for... an illusion.

We are sick, I am not proud to say it, but it's the truth. We are healing. And we won't stop, no matter what. You have no idea how clever and complex our brains really are. "It" will generate thoughts which will convince you to do it, eventhough you know it is a bad idea, it will make scenarios in your head that will make you believe that "it isn't that bad". This is your biggest enemy. You have fed this thing inside your head for so long, that it will not go down without a fight, a psychological one. How can you fight something that you are CONVINCED doesn't need to be fought? That's an answer that you will have to find for yourself.

Don't throw away what you have, man. Don't do this to yourself. Time is the one thing you never, ever... get back.

 

[Griff1101]

Journal day 4

Mental busy day in work so no worries there. Came home wrecked and cooked and collapsed into day. Bet I could nearly have spelt porn.

 

[Griff1101]

Hi Winterwolf,

No she doesn't know and for the moment I refuse to tell her. I was going to say I doing this solo but I'm not I have you guys. I am unfortunately familiar with the struggle your talking about. I have succumbed to rationalisation et all plenty of times before.

Thanks for the post and the advice.

Griff

 

[Griff1101]

Journal day 5 - Written 2 days after

Was really worried about this day as I knew that I would have 4 hours home alone. Rather than test/tempt myself at this early stage I choose of avoid the situation. I busied myself with various things that needed to be done (like the shopping) which burned up 2 hours. When I got back home I launched into cooking (cooking 2 meals for several days). Girlfriend got back and all was well. Boredom is a big factor in my use so I managed to avoid it today.

 

[Griff1101]

Journal day 6 - written 1 day after

Easy day. I only had a few hours to kill after work so once again I cooked 2 meals (they are going in the freezer in case somebody is doing the math on the meals). I went to the gym for the first time in ages. My have overextended myself, tomorrow might be a sore one . All is good

 

[Griff1101]

Journal day 7 - written day after

Expected to have an easy day with plans for the evening with my girlfriend. She rang me up at lunch saying she had to cancel leaving me with a good bit of time in the evening. Had a couple of triggers during the day. The drive home was bad, I went out of my way to view women in a park. Overall I was pretty apprehensive and to be honest just didn't trust myself so I avoided the situation and went shopping, for a coffee and walked the dog just avoid temptation.

Twice now I have had dream where I dreamt that I was PMing. Waking up I feel crushed because I think I'm back to square 1. Takes me a few minutes to come around to the fact I'm still ok and haven't PM'ed. Is this normal?

 

[Griff1101]

Journal day 8

Struggling today. Tempted first thing this morning with my phone. Good few urges so far. I'm a bit worried at this stage with my ability to resist urges when I get out of work. I need a plan I think.

 

[Griff1101]

Journal Day 8 ctd - written day after

I managed to get through it ok. I read a few posts in the success stories which strengthened my resolve. I managed to refocus, I stayed in work for an extra 21/2 hours and was really productive (which I hadn't been all day) That gave me a bit of a bounce. I then went for a swim with a friend went home and watched a film with my girlfriend (which was crap, Labour Day, don't do it guys). Great day overall considering how it started.

 

[Griff1101]

F*#k it anyway. A relapse just turned into a 3 day binge. More later

 

[Griff1101]

So I have been binging/relapsing pretty bad since I broke a few days ago. I have been M 2-3 times pre day prob for a couple of hours in total each day (2-3 hours roughly). Feel pretty disappointed in myself. I going to reset my counter and have tomorrow be day no 1

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Griff1101

So I have been binging/relapsing pretty bad since I broke a few days ago. I have been M 2-3 times pre day prob for a couple of hours in total each day (2-3 hours roughly). Feel pretty disappointed in myself

It's ok man. Change something up... do something drastic like stay at a friends house a few nights. Move the furniture around your house. Switch things up. Also... write down the thoughts and emotions and reasons you relapsed. Evaluate them and then write down why you want to give up porn. Try and LEARN from everything you do.

I hope the best for you... keep truckin. You can do this

 

[TheGuy]

Be patient with yourself man.  Beating yourself up is the least productive thing you can do.  Checkout the success forum on here to focus on what its like when you get past porn.  It has huge benefits.  The first 14 days are the hardest as far as withdrawal goes.  Oh, and recognise you are withdrawing from a strong addiction; yup your a porn addict.  So what if you stumble a few steps.  The important steps are today's and tomorrows, not yesterdays.