Try Again

[El Goodo]

Day 19

(Thanks for the support, PE30!)

I honestly can't believe I've made it this far. I've never gone this long with out at least MO'ing in the shower, to fantasies, etc. But no P whatsoever, and no release aside from the sleep-state one a week ago.

Between this and my other substance-abuse program, I can feel really defenseless against my own thoughts and against the day to day bullshit of life. I'm still feeling low from the other day. I'm still in the same depressed, lonely, empty, fearful state of mind. I would love the feeling of when life feels like it's spiraling out of control and I'm in free-fall to be able to grab onto myself for a few minutes of distraction. But I'm just raw. Practicing raw acceptance and eating my fucking emotional vegetables. But a smooth sea don't make for no skilled sailor.

It just feels like the only thing that's keeping me going is the blind optimism that if I stick to my guns, I'll heal and things will get better. No evidence, but I have no choice other than to believe in it or go back to being a disgusting dumpster fire of a person.

 

[El Goodo]

Day 20

Still feeling very depressed today. Maybe it's just par for the course in a life with no mind-altering defenses against the frustration and pain and loneliness of life. I've gone substance-free before, but never in tandem with being free of PMO and MO altogether. I guess ultimately today was a success as long as I didn't use today. And I do think my eyes are brighter and my skin is better (I've added regular yoga too), but that could also just be a generally more positive self-image since I don't have to face a disgusting monster in the mirror every day. Just a guy who's struggling and doing his best to stay clean and honest. Came close to M last night but managed to stop before anything really happened and got myself to sleep. Still just a monkey at the end of the day. So hopefully I'll make it through another night and be onto day 21 tomorrow.

 

[PE30]

I've been feeling quite depressed on and off during my reboot too. I think maybe our brains are coping with the loss of what was a great comfort? We're facing up to ourselves as we are, we're facing up to our past mistakes, and in doing so there's a degree of regret associated.

I don't think it will ever entirely go away. But your life free of porn and free of substances is a better life. I wish you well! I'm glad the yoga is working out for you. Make sure you rest plenty and make sure that you treat yourself in a healthy way.

 

[El Goodo]

Day 23.

Technically.

No, it is.

Dudes, I'm so depressed. The graph of my sadness over my ex has been on a generally downward trend since she dumped me six months ago, some days better than others, but re. my post from day 18, I'm hitting an emotional bottom. I'm so fucking sad. And my mental abuse of myself is so unrelenting it constitutes self-harm.

I haven't slept much in the last week, nor have I had much of an appetite. So I'm hungry and I'm stressed out and I'm lonely and I'm tired, none of which contributes to shining mental fitness; fitness I need to deal with life and to deal with myself and to deal with this particular addiction.

I'm dying just to say "fuck it" and cave. I looked at P briefly on Thurs and Fri night, but stopped myself before anything happened. Which isn't great but is still a tiny amount of progress. It's the alcoholic sitting at the bar and ordering a drink but the booze not hitting the back of his throat. He's still got his sobriety, but he's not making wise choices. This is the part where we strap in and hold on for dear life.

The depth of my sadness has me feeling defenseless against wanting to use. I want to have a marathon sesh. And it'll feel great while it's happening. But the last shred of hope and willingness I'm hanging onto is the knowledge that once O is over, I will feel much, much worse and have to reset my count. Furthermore, it will leave me more defenseless against using the next time I have an emotional crisis, or the next time I feel hurt, sad, angry, etc.  So I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth here.

 

[Jz15]

Subscribing to this site has really helped me personally end my binge and start again because I have a clearer view of the problem and
most important Im not alone..... congrats man keep it up

 

[El Goodo]

Day 24

Still hanging in there. Last night was tough. Still fighting cravings and the "fuck its" today, still feeling pretty down and out, although slightly less so of both, particularly for a Sunday.

Don't know if you guys are into comics or are familiar or not, but one of my favorite cartoonists is a guy called Joe Matt who I like because he's great, but incidentally, he also deals very bluntly with his porn addiction and how it impacts his relationships, friendships, and personal growth. Mind you, a lot of it was written in/takes place in the 80s and 90s, so he doesn't get into internet porn, but his compulsive relationship is the same. His book "Spent" is the focused on his porn addiction of his work, and there's a great scene of him laboriously dubbing male porn performers' faces out of his countless hours of curated porn VHS tapes. I've read the book many times, but I read it again last night for the first time since actively trying to quit, and it was interesting to see it through that lens. Anyways, highly recommended.

 

[Jz15]

Very nice that you have found someone you look up to AND can also relate. I also have someone as well guy is insane he is a bodybuilder and very charismatic I remember one day he said cut porn or masturbation completely and it will do wonders imagine now this guy never had PIED he realised it for himself...! But of course every woman Ive seen him with is 10' / 10 and he approves this...

Im back on day 4 my friend and Ive had urges last night as well so I tried to sleep and forget , I could not , I posted then slept.

This forum has done wonders for me so far its increadible

 

[El Goodo]

Day 0

The depression and misery was too much for me. I had to shut it out. And I successfully did for a couple hours. The longest since probably August. It feels shitty, for sure, but I also made 24 days or progress; better than I ever have before, and that's not nothing. Picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying again.

 

[happysad]

After I read your post on day 23 I just assumed you were going straight into the cosy, cushy sweet little relapse.

I knew because it goes the same for me. Watching without M'ing? Been there, done that. Your brain tells you to just "check", just "satisfy curiosity". So you do, and I did. You just take a peak. And you tell yourself you're not proud but it's nothing serious, right? And your brain tells you.. "of course it's nothing you can peak from time to time if you don't M". So you do, and I did. And then the fucker of a brain sings a different song entirely. Suddenly all those little slips amount to one big "WELL IF YOU'VE DONE ALL THOSE ALREADY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL WHIP OUT YOUR COCK AND GO TO CRAZY TOWN!" And you do, and I did.

the lesson is this. If you don't have a year of hard mode under your belt, that small fuckups create a snowball effect RAPIDLY. Advice? Hard mode. Nothing. No watching, avoiding thoughts, no sexting, no touching your penis. It's the only thing that really works to distant your brain from a pattern it lives and dies by when you're an addict.

good luck.

 

[PE30]

Picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying again.

That's the hardest part, for me. The next few days will feel rubbish because you'll be thinking "I was on day 23 a few days ago and now I'm back to day 2". But you'll soon build momentum up.

I've got an analogy for that pre-relapse mini-slip that you mentioned before. But it's a bit long-winded. Anyhow... have you ever been at a beach where there's a stream running from inland into the sand? When I was a kid, I loved going to a beach like that. We'd spend the day building dams and changing the direction of the stream. However, we were always fighting against the force of water. And once the stream finds a small opening through the defences, it needs properly reinforcing otherwise the whole dam will collapse. The key is (a) provide some other outlet for the water so that the pressure is kept to a minimum, (b) be vigilant for signs of weakness, and (c) throw all resources into mending a tiny crack if it appears. But ideally, do (a) and (b) well so that you don't get to the point of having to repair a slip.

So anyway, in my current fight:
(a) I'm trying to find other ways of occupying myself that are more edifying than porn. This took a while to get going as I felt so depressed in the first few days of my reboot. For me, my faith has been a big strength. Other people find that yoga, meditation, mindfulness and exercise are helpful. Find something that you can be satisfied in. And find other people you can share it with.
(b) I have so many potential weaknesses that I find myself spinning plates trying to steer clear. (For example, I clicked on a fairly innocuous Twitter link this morning and found myself kind-of attracted to the Twitter user who'd made the post. I had to stop myself from having a scan through her pictures, though the temptation was there). I just figure that I can't afford not to stay on high alert. Also I need to second-guess myself at times when I'm particularly down or particularly happy. I can't afford not to be alert.

My hardmode looks like this:
- no porn
- no chat rooms
- no flirting with others
- no looking up people's pictures on social media
- no masturbation or edging
- if I wake up with MW, I stop myself from touching as soon as I'm conscious and able to compose my thoughts

Plus, for the time being, I've given up Facebook and given up posting on a particular music forum, where I was a regular.

It means my life looks a lot different from how it did previously. But if this leaves me a year down the line and porn and chat room free, it's worth the sacrifice.

Anyway, I'm sorry that this is a lot about me, but I can really relate to your story and know how difficult it is. Well done for owning the relapse and committing to starting over.

 

[happysad]

I like your post PE30 but during hard mode I don't stop myself from flirting. In fact I love doing it. I think it's healthy, I want it as a part of my life and it literally motivates me not to look at porn. It's social, you get to know a person. I like it.

 

[PE30]

I'm married so that's why I include it in mine! I agree though that for a single person it's pretty healthy. Good for self esteem and for changing your mindset away from the easy gratification of porn.