How do I come clean to my wife about this?

[biglou6537]

I've been dealing with this with my wife as well, and for some years now. It started about 3 to 4 years ago when I was extremely overweight (Bout 500lbs), and my doc found that I had low levels of testosterone. Well, fast forward to now and with the help of sleeve surgery and working out I've lost about 200lbs. I've also been able to come off of the blood pressure meds all together, which my doc also believes was affecting me. At first, I believe, I struggled with erections after losing the weight because of performance anxiety and it weighing heavy on my mind all the time. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and the fact that I felt and still feel like I can't please my wife how she wants, really messes with my head. But I should be fine now with the weight loss and my workout regiment, but I'm not. My wife and I want children, and it's going to take some fertility treatments for us to conceive. I talked to a therapist about this same issue a few months back, because my wife is past fed up with the our lack of intimacy due to me, and she thinks it's her and that I'm not attracted to her, but I truly am. I realize now that my porn use, which is what I turn to when we're fighting and sleeping in separate rooms, is contributing to me ED, if not being the full cause. I'm really going to stop watching porn and stop masturbating all together and get my self right for my wife. What I'm really struggling with is how do I tell her what I believe the real problem is? I'm a man who can sometimes have too much pride, and I don't know how she will take it. It kills me to see her so down and hurt about the way our sex life is, and some of things she says really gets to me, because I guess I'm more sensitive than I thought I was. But it's so bad now that she doesn't even want to talk about it, nor does she want to try very much anymore, because she's tired of things not going as planned,which is about 90% of the time. I don't want to lose my wife, but how do I relay this info to her without her losing respect for me?

 

[malando]

I think you have to look at this as a "lesser of two evils" situation.

Option 1: say nothing and let her feel depressed, confused, hopeless about your marriage, less self-esteem due to feeling undesirable, probable end of your relationship - and no prospect of having a family. Try to fix it on your own while your relationship draws closer to being unrecoverable. 

Option 2: Tell her what your problem is, deal with her reaction and probable anger. Allow her to heal from the hurt, confusion and self-esteem. Allow her to stop feeling insane about what's happened to your relationship (your gaslighting). Give her some hope that you can restore your health and sexual function and interest. Give her some hope that your relationship might actually survive. Possibly be able to start a family.

When you look at these two options, it's obvious that option 2 is the better choice. Both are very difficult and challenging, but one gives hope, the other doesn't. I think you are worrying too much about your pride and not enough about caring for your wife and relationship. Take the hit to your pride and confess. She deserves to know why her life has become so miserable. It's only fair. You've got to stop being selfish and start sacrificing something.

Best wishes and good luck,
M.

 

[biglou6537]

Thanks Malando.

 

[aquarius25]

You mentioned how to tell her without her loosing respect for you. The thing that jumps out at me is the fact that your words and actions don't really sound like you are respecting yourself. How can you ask her to respect you when you are not respecting you? Also when you lie you create an illusions of what the relationship is. You are only allowing her to love and live in this illusion. As a result she can feel something aims and it sounds like it is really hurting her. Respect her enough to allow her to live in honesty and know the truth. Yes she will be upset. She should be. Remember it is not you telling her that she is upset with or feeling hurt by. Its the actions that need telling, its your actions that create the upset and hurt. Give her time, allow her to process, get counseling. Invite her to the partners forum here. Most women who find out are upset. They threaten to leave (I know I did several times) in the end a lot of women stay. If they see you being honest, learning to live in integrity and really dealing with this problem then it is unlikely she will walk out on that. Afterall she must love you to have stayed after feeling so low for so long already, right?

Tell her, it will be hard but it will help your reboot. The new level of accountability will take your reboot up  a level. Go on the partners forum yourself and read the posts, or go to the woman's journals and read. Most every woman I have connected with (and I have been on here for a while) says the lying is the thing that hurts the most. I certainly felt that. My husband didn't even have the courage to tell me, I had to find out on my own. That is way worse!!! The longer you wait the more it will hurt. Don't wait just tell her because you love her. Good luck!