Deadcat's Journal

[Deadcat]

Over 8 months porn free.

I'd like to announce after 8 months I'm healed, but I'm not.  I still have urges and have allowed myself to scan Pinterest for pics of hot women.  I've also masturbated a few times and always regret it.  I'm having a hard time staying hard while masturbating which is probably a good sign that I'm not fully healed.  I had high hopes after that amazing sex roughly a month ago but I haven't been able to repeat it.  Even tonight I had my standard issues with PE.  I seem to not have problems with ED although my erection quality could improve.  But my huckleberry, PE, continually bites me in the ass.  I can't seem to shake it and I know it's disappointing my wife.  We had a great day today and were flirting all day.  I'm sure tomorrow she'll be frustrated with me because of my inadequacies.  I need to stay the coarse and remember my goal is to be healed in a year.  I still have 4 months.  My wife and I have a trip planned for later this month.  I'm praying that awesome sex returns for that weekend.  Best of luck gentlemen!

 

[uncreatedlight]

This is a war, not a battle.  Keep up the fight.  My recommendation is not to focus too much on penetrative sex.  There are so many ways to get a woman off.  Don't let this steal your mojo.

You are eight months free.  That is a remarkable accomplishment.

 

[mousemat1]

Hey Deadcat.

We are at similar stages and we are having similar problems. I haven't looked at porn but the urges get so strong. We are going to need to remain strong and just push on till we're cured.

Good luck!!!!

 

[Deadcat]

Okay.  Yesterday I broke down and watch PMOed.  It was horrible.  I couldn't maintain an erection.  I just don't feel like myself.  I feel like I've lost something.  Maybe it's my age and my libido.  Either way, I'm pretty sick of all of this.  I don't plan to give up the fight and I don't plan on cheating again.  It certainly wasn't worth it and I don't think I reset.  My counter will now read 8 months and only one PMO.  Back to no porn, no mo and based on my performance recently, probably no sex for a while.  Ugh!

 

[Deadcat]

Hey Deadcat.

We are at similar stages and we are having similar problems. I haven't looked at porn but the urges get so strong. We are going to need to remain strong and just push on till we're cured.

Good luck!!!!

Didn't it take Gabe 7 months or so before he could have sex and something like a year and a half before he was fully healed.  Unfortunately that seems like the pace we are on. k You've been stronger than me.  I had done pretty well until recently.  I'm having trouble getting motivated towards work and school and looking to kill time instead of working.  Not good.  Ideal hands are the devil's workshop.  I need to do a better job at staying busy.  And though my work requires me to be in front of a computer, I need to get the hell away from it from time to time because I think it's driving me mad.

 

[Deadcat]

This is a war, not a battle.  Keep up the fight.  My recommendation is not to focus too much on penetrative sex.  There are so many ways to get a woman off.  Don't let this steal your mojo.

You are eight months free.  That is a remarkable accomplishment.

Thank you, sir!  Stay strong!

 

[mousemat1]

Once in 8 months, while not a perfect record, is a fantastic achievement when you think about our habits when we started this journey.

Just don't let it become a habit again. That's probably going to be the most difficult thing for you now. Just try to remember how bad you felt when you PMOd and use that as the incentive to keep away from porn.

We are addicts my friend and this is going to be our struggle for the rest of our lives. We just need to accept that there will be times when we slip up and just renew our resolve to continue the fight.

Please stay vigilant over the next few weeks. Rebooting is really disheartening and I sometimes just feel like giving up but we've come so far. Let's see this out to the end!!

Good luck!

 

[Deadcat]

I honestly don't believe it's going to be an issue.  I'm now concerned that even while PMOing I was unable to maintain a solid erection.  I seriously concerned that there is something wrong with me, although when I approached my doctor a few years ago I was perfectly healthy.  It's just hard to believe that while only a few years ago I had a healthy sex life and now I'm left with this.  My only hope is that I truly am not healed and just need more time. I've got nothing to lose so patience and time is what I'll give. 

Thanks Mousey for the encouragement.  We seem to be on a similar journey.  I pray we both reach our destination soon.

 

[mousemat1]

I've tried stroking myself to see if I can get hard. Sometimes I can, but more often I only get about 70% hard. I think it's just part of the recovery process. We haven't healed yet. I had sex just over a month ago. It was the first time in over 2 years! I thought I was coming out of the worst part, but it seems I've slipped back into a period of low libido and a semi-flatline.

I think Gary has stressed in his videos or on his website that recovery is not linear.

I think we're moving in the right direction. We just have to remain strong and patient.

Good luck! 

 

[Deadcat]

Thanks.  Going strong today.  I feel rejuvenated.  Patience and time.  Patience and time.

 

[Deadcat]

I find myself really struggling with work motivation.  I sit in my office all day doing absolutely nothing.  I have started about habit of getting the kids off to school than taking a nap.  This is the rut I was in that put me at my worst with my Porn habits.  Idle hands are the devils playground and my time wasting is a habit I need to break.  I don't understand why I do this to myself because I recognize that my days are always better after a hard days work.  I know staying away from Porn has greatly helped but fixing my lack of motivation and finding drive again towards work is what I need most.  I need to build up that passion again and get at it.  I say I'm tired but it's the mental lag that I need to overcome.  I revere to my actions as work avoidance.  Masturbation was one of the things I did to avoid work.  I still do unfortunately but its rare, maybe twice a month.  I always regret when I do.  I would say the masturbation is more of a symptom than the actual disease.  To cure the disease, I need to solve my lack of motivation.  I'm completing my MBA but I really need another hobby that I can utilize to keep me busy when I'm in these moods.  As many on this site have suggested, keeping busy always helps.

Only one Porn slip up in 8.5 months.  I do however find myself staring longer at pictures of girls on the web or on social media.  I need to spend less time on the net.  That's where that hobby would come in handy.

Best of luck gents!

 

[Deadcat]

This past weekend was good. I got away from my wife taking my son to visit his girlfriend for homecoming.  I enjoyed myself and let loose have some drinks at a bar with friends and family.  It was a big group and I behaved.  But now I've come home to an angry wife who is made at me for getting drunk at a bar without her.  These arguments are often what sets me back and push me towards porn for comfort.  Not gonna let it happen.  I'm gonna weather the storm and stay true to myself.  I've reflected some recently.  I've been bad skirting the line between watching porn and not by looking at photos of women on line.  It's minor stuff comparatively, for example ogling the swimsuit models while shopping for a suit for my wife.  These are behaviors I need to stop.  As a person who's used porn as long as I have, those actions only lead to bad.  It's been eight months with one slip but I don't think I'm fully going to heal until I put it all behind.  I still have a strong desire to masturbate.  I think that's mainly a time killer I use when I'm bored and avoiding work.  Regardless, masturbating is harmful to my recovery and I need to stop.  I think back and I still don't know how I got here.  Five years ago I felt perfectly healthy and didn't have these challenges with ED or PE.  I honestly believe some of this is a result of my troubled marriage.  We are working on repairing our relationship but fights like the one we had this morning do not help.

 

[uncreatedlight]

We are getting older.  Things change.  Exercise if you aren't already.  Watch your diet.  Drink less.  Go see a doctor, etc.

From my perspective, I miss the fights.  At least it was a relationship!  Heh.  Be grateful for you wife and don't take it personally.  If she is unreasonable, that is on her, not you.

As far as masturbation being hard to stop, don't I know it.  It can be done though.  So many stories on here of those who have made it, and I assume they had high sex drives like me.

Keep going, and don't let the argument get you down!

 

[Deadcat]

Thank you, Light.  I appreciate your comments.

I am approaching 9 months on the 23rd.  I'm still suffering from PE and ED both.  I've resorted to not forcing sex and waiting.  My last attempts ended with PE the first time and then ED the second finishing with PE.  Bad all around, but I'm not giving up. 

I've joined a NoFap forum that is discussing PE.  One person has recommended Anxiety drugs and another (strongly against Anxiety drugs) has recommended reverse kegels.  I've done some research and there's a lot of talk on the net about reverse kegels helping with PE.  I had done reverse kegels before and that time might have coincided with my successful sexual encounters.  I can't tell.  This time I'm going to be more diligent and measure the results.  I'm also not masturbating and taking more time between sex in hopes that aides in my recovery.  I'm obviously not done demonstrated by the limp dick I experienced.  I just need to stay at it and work on my relationship with wife.

In regards to my wife, we've made up.  She's very stubborn and hard headed.  I ended up apologize for hurting her and not really for my actions (as I still don't think I did anything wrong).  I don't want to upset my wife and that's what I'm sorry about.  I think part of this argument still relates back to her finding out I masturbated to porn.  She didn't catch me or anything.  I actually admitted it to her.  I wasn't dishonest about my porn use.  But after that fight and before I realized the harm it was causing me, I just hid my porn use from her.  If only I had listened to her sooner.  Another one of those signs I ignored that I should have paid attention to.

Hope everyone is doing well.  Keep up the fight gentlemen!

 

[Deadcat]

Today is 9 months with only one slip up.  I'm glad I started on this journey but the road is still long in front of me.  This week is what motivated me.  I am taking my annual trip with just my wife.  No kids.  I was hoping to be fully healed by now.  I am not.  I still have problems ED and PE.  Last week my wife came to me while I was studying for post grad degree.  It was amazing and I was so thankful for that moment.  In the past I would have ravaged her and it would have been an incredible experience.  This time, I tried but was in my head and had problems getting hard and then came too quickly.  It was fun and a good experience but it was still a let down from what I know it can be.  I am prayerful and hopeful that one day those moments can come back.  That I won't have the challenges is that I do today.  I believe with time the healing will be complete, but unfortunately it's going to take a year or longer to heal fully.

My dilemma today is whether or not to pack my ED drugs.  I've been good at not using them for several months and have them stored away in a safe.  But as I get ready to go on my adult vacation, I'm considering bring one or two pills for confidence.  I don't want to begin using them regularly again but my thought is that if I bring them I might get that boost I need to enjoy the time with my wife and perform better.  I'd prefer not to bring them but I just don't have the confidence yet.  I'll battle this decision all day.

 

[Deadcat]

Over 9 months in of being porn free (with one slip).  It's still a battle.  I've done good this past week.  My vacation with wife was great.  Sex was meh.  I broke down and took some of the famous blue pill to help ensure I didn't fail miserable.  Found out my wife has some issue with molestation as a child that come out when she drinks too much.  After a day of flirting and getting shut down because of those issues, I decided instead to rub one out while I thought she was passed out.  Turns out she wasn't and got caught.  That led to some interested conversation.  I convinced myself that rubbing one out then would help me last longer the next morning.  I think it actually did but certainly wasn't worth it.  I still find myself battling sexual fantasies and masturbation.  My PE is bad but I'm not sure if that's because of my ED.  I think my dick has trouble getting hard so when it finally does it shoots it's load trying to complete it's biological job.  My hot wife still doesn't get my penis to react which is crazy because my mind is going nuts and wanting to attack (in a good way, of course).  I'm still of the belief that it's time I need.  My brain is going to take a while longer to rewire.  Instead of a year, I may be looking at 18 months to 2 years to fully reboot.  But I also think I need to help myself by stopping masturbation.

On a work trip I watched some videos on PE.  It's amazing how so many say to masturbate, edge, and take antidepressants.  These may have been good recommendations if not for my problems being related to PIED not simple ED.  I listed to an hour long talk on Tantric sex.  Guy says men over 40 should not orgasm at all and that it's counterproductive.  I find that extreme but wonder if I can use some of the strategies he discussed to last the 45 plus minutes he mentions.  My ultimate goal is to satisfy my wife in bed.  4 years ago I was a stud.  Now I'm a pathetic little man who has some major issues.  I can't believe I'm here but I want a fix.  I'll continue to fight the good fight and hopefully healing is in my future.

Keep up the battle gents.  Don't let PORN win!