So it begins for me, I guess. I mean REALLY begins. For years I thought I was beginning, then beginning, and then beginning again. But now I see that by trying to do it alone I wasn't really beginning anything. I've taken a few days to read through this forum, and my experience has been mostly positive (a little negative), and it seems that keeping a journal here may be the best way to get some support - and maybe give some back, too.
This month, I'll be 49. I first dabbled in porn when I was about 15 or 16, I think. Found my father's stash of Playboys. Surprisingly, I didn't even know what masturbation was at the time. I still remember being in the bathroom looking through one of the magazines and touching myself when I basically exploded out of nowhere. Not kidding when I say that it was totally by accident. My first orgasm while awake. Naturally I made the connection - porn feels really, really good.
It was still only a once in a while thing, though. But when I figured out that I had the ability to have an orgasm without actually having sex, I did take advantage of it regularly. I didn't actually lose my virginity until I was 18. It was my senior year girlfriend, and we were monogamously active for about a year. About 3 months after we broke up, I met my current and only wife. We were freshman in college. I was her first, she my second, but there has been no one ever since.
Porn was still a once in a while thing until we had been together about 2 or 3 years. She lived in another state when we weren't in school, and I was visiting her and her family during a break. Her father had just gotten a new computer that had internet, and it was the first time that I been on the worldwide web. I don't remember what I searched that led me to the porn, but as soon as I saw it, I was hooked. I couldn't believe that it was all right there and free. Before I would have to go buy magazines, and I never had much money, so that didn't happen very often. Now, I could have all I wanted any time I wanted.
I knew it was wrong. I grew up in a Catholic household where any type of sexual activity outside of marriage was wrong. But the addiction took hold. The neural pathways were formed. And my life without guilt was over.
It's been that way ever since. I've had times where I have been able to shake it for a few weeks, maybe a month, but nothing permanent. I've hated myself. I didn't want to do it. Really, I didn't. But I couldn't NOT do it. The slightest thing would trigger it. Even my wife could trigger it! Nothing she did - just the fact that I could look at her, and maybe she was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her up, or she was on her way out or something, and just the sight of her would make me so horny that I needed a release. It wasn't a good time for her, so I had my plan B to fall back on. Emphasis on FALL. Because it was definitely like falling. You reaching a temptation tipping point where you can no longer recover your balance, and then you just - fall.
A couple of years ago is when the PIED kicked in. I didn't actually make the connection until a few months ago. I see a urologist who operates his own in-house pharmacy where I get generic Viagra pretty cheap. And that's how I've maintained my sex life with my wife. Until I learned of the porn connection, I thought it was permanent. After reading the experiences here, I actually have some hope that I can go back having sex naturally again.
So I begin again, or begin for real for the first time. Yesterday was day 1. No porn or replacements. A couple of triggers, but I resisted. Now I need to work on replacing my porn "escapes" with something else. I've recognized that porn actually has been an escape for me. I'm a high stress, high anxiety person - always have been, even before the porn and guilt. Porn was a way to take a break from that. A way to shut my mind off for a while. Now I know that I need to find a new break. Coming here has helped a little, but I don't think I can count on that to be permanent solution. I know I need to find something that can replace the porn when the triggers come up. I know the triggers will always be there - I just need to get them to trigger something else. Something positive that doesn't come with guilt and shame.
Today is Day 1 of the journal but Day 2 without any porn or images of any kind. My hope is that I can form a new pattern of coming here daily and reporting a higher number than the day before. With a little encouragement and understanding, I think I can do it this time.
This month, I'll be 49. I first dabbled in porn when I was about 15 or 16, I think. Found my father's stash of Playboys. Surprisingly, I didn't even know what masturbation was at the time. I still remember being in the bathroom looking through one of the magazines and touching myself when I basically exploded out of nowhere. Not kidding when I say that it was totally by accident. My first orgasm while awake. Naturally I made the connection - porn feels really, really good.
It was still only a once in a while thing, though. But when I figured out that I had the ability to have an orgasm without actually having sex, I did take advantage of it regularly. I didn't actually lose my virginity until I was 18. It was my senior year girlfriend, and we were monogamously active for about a year. About 3 months after we broke up, I met my current and only wife. We were freshman in college. I was her first, she my second, but there has been no one ever since.
Porn was still a once in a while thing until we had been together about 2 or 3 years. She lived in another state when we weren't in school, and I was visiting her and her family during a break. Her father had just gotten a new computer that had internet, and it was the first time that I been on the worldwide web. I don't remember what I searched that led me to the porn, but as soon as I saw it, I was hooked. I couldn't believe that it was all right there and free. Before I would have to go buy magazines, and I never had much money, so that didn't happen very often. Now, I could have all I wanted any time I wanted.
I knew it was wrong. I grew up in a Catholic household where any type of sexual activity outside of marriage was wrong. But the addiction took hold. The neural pathways were formed. And my life without guilt was over.
It's been that way ever since. I've had times where I have been able to shake it for a few weeks, maybe a month, but nothing permanent. I've hated myself. I didn't want to do it. Really, I didn't. But I couldn't NOT do it. The slightest thing would trigger it. Even my wife could trigger it! Nothing she did - just the fact that I could look at her, and maybe she was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her up, or she was on her way out or something, and just the sight of her would make me so horny that I needed a release. It wasn't a good time for her, so I had my plan B to fall back on. Emphasis on FALL. Because it was definitely like falling. You reaching a temptation tipping point where you can no longer recover your balance, and then you just - fall.
A couple of years ago is when the PIED kicked in. I didn't actually make the connection until a few months ago. I see a urologist who operates his own in-house pharmacy where I get generic Viagra pretty cheap. And that's how I've maintained my sex life with my wife. Until I learned of the porn connection, I thought it was permanent. After reading the experiences here, I actually have some hope that I can go back having sex naturally again.
So I begin again, or begin for real for the first time. Yesterday was day 1. No porn or replacements. A couple of triggers, but I resisted. Now I need to work on replacing my porn "escapes" with something else. I've recognized that porn actually has been an escape for me. I'm a high stress, high anxiety person - always have been, even before the porn and guilt. Porn was a way to take a break from that. A way to shut my mind off for a while. Now I know that I need to find a new break. Coming here has helped a little, but I don't think I can count on that to be permanent solution. I know I need to find something that can replace the porn when the triggers come up. I know the triggers will always be there - I just need to get them to trigger something else. Something positive that doesn't come with guilt and shame.
Today is Day 1 of the journal but Day 2 without any porn or images of any kind. My hope is that I can form a new pattern of coming here daily and reporting a higher number than the day before. With a little encouragement and understanding, I think I can do it this time.
