My time to change

[Time to change]

I have battling this issue for too long alone. I think it's time to change and seek a little help. I have been an off again/on masterbater for years. I have peaks and valleys. I go for a while no problem and then I crash and pretty hard. My masterbation has lead to porn. It's funny that it's not the other way around. I just found that my thoughts we no longer good enough to get me excited so I turned to porn. The my porn turned to searching out companionship on the internet, mostly threw Craigslist. I have never had sex with anyone from anyone on CL but I have met and made out with one lady.

I can see that my addiction is getting worse. It is almost controlling my life. I feel distant from my wife. I should be at work right now but instead I stayed in bed searching porn and CL. I need something to change.

I was told to try and figure out my triggers. The main one I can think of is being alone. I don't how many times I have come home from work to an empty house and my first thought is "is should masterbate quickly before my wife gets home". Another trigger I have found is when I am mad at my wife. It's almost like I do this out of spite, like I'm punishing her. She doesn't know that I do it. How is that punishment?

It is time to change. I am wasting too much of my life on this ridiculous addiction. The other day I was thinking of things I really want to do like exercise more or read more books. I always say I don't have time for those things and yet I waste hours every week on porn and masterbation. It's time to cut out the frivolous for the more fulfilling.

Thanks for reading. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

 

[Jason]

Yes, it is good that you are realizing that masturbation and porn are messing up your life.  Just stay positive!!! I know the feeling that recovery can bring with boredom but that is where exercise comes in or discovering a new hobby to keep you from looking at porn or masturbating.  I have recently taken up running again and I am hitting the trails tonight.  As I reboot I am realizing how much life I have missed out on because I was wasting it with time spent searching for porn.  So keep going friend!

 

[Time to change]

Thanks Jason for the encouragement. It's nice to know there are allies out there as I fight the good fight.

Well, I made it one day. That's progress I guess. I feel good but I am trying to not get over excited. I don't want to get to prideful. It's when  all is going right that I fail hard. Besides, it's the weekend and it seems easier to avoid the P and M and on the weekend. I am rarely alone and there is always lots to be done to keep my hands busy. 

I will keep you updated. Thanks for reading.

 

[Time to change]

Well, I crashed. I got a little too prideful and I was left all alone for a little too long. I didn't look at P but did read some racy and sexually charged things online. I really thought I could make it at least all weekend.
My triggers apparently are boredom, loneliness, and the iPad. Its likely that I turn to the iPad because I am bored and then find nothing on there to fill my time so I jump on the internet.
I can beat this thing. I just need to understand it first. Thanks for a forum to post my thoughts while I solve this.
Stay strong friends.