Blah432
Member
I'm an alcoholic/addict who has been sober almost 9 months. My main drug was alcohol but I loved other stuff too and got going with basically every drug for some time at some point in my past 10 years or so of use (I'm 29). Long story short booze/benzos wrecked me at about 27, spent a year or so around 12 step programs and finally got it about three months ago, but have been sober physically for about eight months. By "got it" I mean that addiction is serious shit that goes to the core of my being- I have literally changed everything in my life and live in a spiritual way. This is a short version but real genuine addiction requires real genuine recovery which is far far more than counseling and literally cuts to a person's core- to the philosophical land of "why are we here on earth?" kinda stuff.
So anyway one of the things about being sober is you feel stuff- everything- sometimes its overwhelming but in the long run its beautiful to be able to feel, even if you feel like shit. Normal people who haven't gone years without feeling anything don't get this, hell addicts who have gone years without feeling things don't get this either if they are still using. But one thing I started feeling was porn. I started to feel it- it felt weird, wrong, shameful - hard to explain but it just didn't feel right - of course I still ignored it like the good little addict I am. Its pretty easy to ignore porn too by the way- I ignored massive benzo doses mixed with vodka for years, I could obviously ignore the "hahaha lullz porn jerking allguysdoitbrahhhhh etc..." No one takes porn seriously right or wrong so its pretty damn easy to ignore. Not to mention I had been looking at it every day for at least 10 years and probably before that, its free, its American dammit!!! What red blooded American man doesn't love him some fine women pics- this is 'Merrrrrrcka!!!!!
I have tried to stop in the past few months- it was intruding on me as I started to grow as a person post- addiction recovery. Talking to a group of guys at a rehab center about addiction (something I do semi-regularly as part of my new sober life) knowing you just edged for 45 mins to some chick squirting on a camera is not exactly 100 percent kosher. I felt like a hypocrite. The biggest problem was how close to addiction this felt. I can feel addiction, I remember what it felt like, and unfortunately porn felt just like it. It doesn't show up on a drug test and it wont make you overdose but that feeling is dead on the same and when being honest with myself I knew what that feeling was. My method of dealing with porn was the same as drugs too- I just won't watch vids of chicks squirting- I'll stick to wholesome non nude pics of hot chicks. Well my brain doesn't really want to see clothed chicks or girls in bikinis it wants something more exciting so we all know how far away the squirt videos are from the clothed non- nude section. Three clicks later we know what I was watching. This all sounds shockingly like my "I'll just drink vodka without the benzos- as long as I don't do benzos I'll be fine" (yaaaaaaaright) Thank god I was sober already because I never would have figured this porn thing out - ever.
I have no idea why but I Googled this porn problem last week, found Gabe's video and my jaw dropped. Holy shit I'm a porn addict and this is real. Not to mention I have been dealing with ---- wait for it- this is going to shock people.... erectile dysfunction. I literally was about to make a doctors appointment for my less than amazing erections out of fear I was having early heart disease. (ED is at times the first symptom of heart disease which runs in my family even though I'm only 29 I was paranoid and thought what the hell else could cause this?) I didn't have 100% ED- it still worked but not at all like it used to, even 10 seconds without stimulation while edging and I'd begin to go soft.
Immediately I did all the reading/educating of myself that I could and here I am, 4th day without MPO- the longest I've gone since 18 years old without MO. Today has actually been the easiest day- the first day was the hardest but I'm just going one day at a time and treating this similarly to how I dealt with drugs although I have not gone to any meetings for this - I don't plan to unless I really cannot stop even knowing now what I know.
I decided to join up for a few reasons- number one I want to thank Gabe as his video changed my entire view on this- honestly its changing my life in ways I never even considered. Second this has been way fucking harder than I thought it would be- I smelled a girl in an elevator the other day (her perfume smelled good) and was ready to jump out the damn window- from a smell- that is insane, and this was like day two.
I also have had some weird stuff happen and as a substance addict hopefully I can throw some good info out there and give back a bit because this site has helped me a ton already and I appreciate that. First example of a weird thing- I realized I'm not really horny, I'm going through drug withdrawal. Having been through drug withdrawal many times I know when I'm going through drug withdrawal and I shit you not I am going through real drug withdrawal - I'm really not horny- I'm lacking my drugs. This seriously feels identical to quitting other drugs I've quit - its that same feeling of despair, loss, boredom, depression, irritability, loss of self etc... not horny. Of course looking at the neurobiology this makes sense- the way porn hits the brain is basically the same way drugs do.
Lastly I am really quickly becoming interested in the social justice aspect of porn addiction. Advocacy for addiction awareness and recovery is a part of my life- its becoming my profession in fact, so I am already geared toward social justice/awareness in some ways, and this is no different. I'm lucky in that I was probably 17 or 18 before high speed internet entered my life. Before that I was jacking to shitty 56k dial up pictures that were probably not even as good as a Playboy. Anyone younger than me pretty much grew up in the era of high speed, high stimulation porn and pretty much no one is immune to that. I really fear for future generations as I see how hard this is for me (who basically squeaked past adolescence barely missing high speed internet "real" porn) and I can't imagine if I was 12 with a tube site at my disposal and instant streaming instead of the Spiegel catalog. I think websites like this are on the cutting edge of what is going to be a massive issue going forward and I'd like to participate as I use this site to help myself.
So anyway one of the things about being sober is you feel stuff- everything- sometimes its overwhelming but in the long run its beautiful to be able to feel, even if you feel like shit. Normal people who haven't gone years without feeling anything don't get this, hell addicts who have gone years without feeling things don't get this either if they are still using. But one thing I started feeling was porn. I started to feel it- it felt weird, wrong, shameful - hard to explain but it just didn't feel right - of course I still ignored it like the good little addict I am. Its pretty easy to ignore porn too by the way- I ignored massive benzo doses mixed with vodka for years, I could obviously ignore the "hahaha lullz porn jerking allguysdoitbrahhhhh etc..." No one takes porn seriously right or wrong so its pretty damn easy to ignore. Not to mention I had been looking at it every day for at least 10 years and probably before that, its free, its American dammit!!! What red blooded American man doesn't love him some fine women pics- this is 'Merrrrrrcka!!!!!
I have tried to stop in the past few months- it was intruding on me as I started to grow as a person post- addiction recovery. Talking to a group of guys at a rehab center about addiction (something I do semi-regularly as part of my new sober life) knowing you just edged for 45 mins to some chick squirting on a camera is not exactly 100 percent kosher. I felt like a hypocrite. The biggest problem was how close to addiction this felt. I can feel addiction, I remember what it felt like, and unfortunately porn felt just like it. It doesn't show up on a drug test and it wont make you overdose but that feeling is dead on the same and when being honest with myself I knew what that feeling was. My method of dealing with porn was the same as drugs too- I just won't watch vids of chicks squirting- I'll stick to wholesome non nude pics of hot chicks. Well my brain doesn't really want to see clothed chicks or girls in bikinis it wants something more exciting so we all know how far away the squirt videos are from the clothed non- nude section. Three clicks later we know what I was watching. This all sounds shockingly like my "I'll just drink vodka without the benzos- as long as I don't do benzos I'll be fine" (yaaaaaaaright) Thank god I was sober already because I never would have figured this porn thing out - ever.
I have no idea why but I Googled this porn problem last week, found Gabe's video and my jaw dropped. Holy shit I'm a porn addict and this is real. Not to mention I have been dealing with ---- wait for it- this is going to shock people.... erectile dysfunction. I literally was about to make a doctors appointment for my less than amazing erections out of fear I was having early heart disease. (ED is at times the first symptom of heart disease which runs in my family even though I'm only 29 I was paranoid and thought what the hell else could cause this?) I didn't have 100% ED- it still worked but not at all like it used to, even 10 seconds without stimulation while edging and I'd begin to go soft.
Immediately I did all the reading/educating of myself that I could and here I am, 4th day without MPO- the longest I've gone since 18 years old without MO. Today has actually been the easiest day- the first day was the hardest but I'm just going one day at a time and treating this similarly to how I dealt with drugs although I have not gone to any meetings for this - I don't plan to unless I really cannot stop even knowing now what I know.
I decided to join up for a few reasons- number one I want to thank Gabe as his video changed my entire view on this- honestly its changing my life in ways I never even considered. Second this has been way fucking harder than I thought it would be- I smelled a girl in an elevator the other day (her perfume smelled good) and was ready to jump out the damn window- from a smell- that is insane, and this was like day two.
I also have had some weird stuff happen and as a substance addict hopefully I can throw some good info out there and give back a bit because this site has helped me a ton already and I appreciate that. First example of a weird thing- I realized I'm not really horny, I'm going through drug withdrawal. Having been through drug withdrawal many times I know when I'm going through drug withdrawal and I shit you not I am going through real drug withdrawal - I'm really not horny- I'm lacking my drugs. This seriously feels identical to quitting other drugs I've quit - its that same feeling of despair, loss, boredom, depression, irritability, loss of self etc... not horny. Of course looking at the neurobiology this makes sense- the way porn hits the brain is basically the same way drugs do.
Lastly I am really quickly becoming interested in the social justice aspect of porn addiction. Advocacy for addiction awareness and recovery is a part of my life- its becoming my profession in fact, so I am already geared toward social justice/awareness in some ways, and this is no different. I'm lucky in that I was probably 17 or 18 before high speed internet entered my life. Before that I was jacking to shitty 56k dial up pictures that were probably not even as good as a Playboy. Anyone younger than me pretty much grew up in the era of high speed, high stimulation porn and pretty much no one is immune to that. I really fear for future generations as I see how hard this is for me (who basically squeaked past adolescence barely missing high speed internet "real" porn) and I can't imagine if I was 12 with a tube site at my disposal and instant streaming instead of the Spiegel catalog. I think websites like this are on the cutting edge of what is going to be a massive issue going forward and I'd like to participate as I use this site to help myself.
