Please Help! Chronic fatigue, disturbing and distressing thoughts and fantasies

[Nickos_Phoenix]

Hello all! 

I'm new to nofap and to these forums.

I've spend a couple of weeks familiarising myself with much of the content, success stories and literature. I'm over joyed and relieved that there is a strong recovery network online and a building body of scientific and anecdotal literature to help counter porn addiction.

I have been searching and searching the forums, and need some answers to some queries I have, hoping that I can find some support and help. This thing has destroyed my life, my mind, my soul, and I have hit rock bottom, feeling suicidal there for a few days.

I've reached 9 days without PMO, just this month (it was a flatline, and I took 2 weeks off work). I am currently at day 17 without an online binge. Have slipped to M, light fantasy and O about once per 3 days.

Already, the experience of attempting to "re-boot" has been both overwhelmingly shocking and scary for me (all of the withdrawal symptoms), but also - thank God - the most inner healing and clarity that I have had in a long time. It's like waking up from a dream - it's surreal. I have spent too long numbing myself with this shit.


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I don't want to go on and on but will briefly describe my experience, health and personality. Would love your input and help.

Age 29, mechanical engineering graduate from 2012, distinction and some high distinction grades. I love philosophy and I'm also a bit of a muso, have started a jazz band, I play the keys and love it!

Outwardly, with my friends and family, I consider myself non confrontational, enthusiastic, generous, idealistic, religious, spiritual and warm. I am an emotional and artistic guy.

I have always struggled with women, I am hypersensitive to their opinion of me, and have never had a long term girlfriend, nor slept with a girlfriend.

From 2009-2012, I was diagnosed with moderate generalised anxiety and depression, which hindered my ability to study, exercise and enjoy life, I was unable to see my friends as often as I wished and my connection to them was thinning. My racing thoughts, anxiety about the world, the big philosophical questions, were consuming me and hindering my ability to function. I would listen to 3-4 hours of online youtube philosophy, history and theology lectures and or intense music every day, even through study periods. At this point I wasn't using hardcore porn, or really any porn.

After a colossal burn out in my life and a falling out with a special group of friends, I was reduced to staying inside my home for 2 years straight. From 2013-2014. The fatigue, anxiety and depression were so severe that I couldn't function. My body woke up everyday, after sleeping 12 hours, but feeling like it had slept only 3. Everyday was spent online playing MMOs.

I resumed part time and casual work from 2015, but by now, from 2013 onwards, I had started to regularly use online porn, frequently watching group sex videos, videos with highly polished supermodel porn stars etc. I've also developed tastes and fetishes which go beyond my adolescent attraction to women, though never really have the courage nor desire to act them out - as they sicken me. In 2016, I also started seeing hookers regularly, which I am now reducing and trying to cut out.

I've had depression and generalised anxiety for a long time. Have not been physically or mentally capable of working a normal routine or living a normal day in over 5 years. I do part time and casual work. I have a psychiatrist and psych assisting me, as well as multiple counsellors.


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I cut out most of my gaming about 10 months ago, and have started making deep cuts to my porn use. During this past 12 months, my attempt to cut the gaming and porn has had huge positive impacts on my life - I am pursuing real life and feeling my emotions, connecting to people again. Slowly slowly. So I know that something good and right is happening. It's just hell as scary.

My inner world is now being revealed my true emotions, I think I have huge issues of repressed anger and a very poor ability to assert myself and defend myself in the world.

Here is my worry and query:

Upon beginning porn withdrawal about 12 months ago, I wake up in the morning, when I walk outside and start my day, I have overwhelmingly powerful fantasies and lusts after people, men and women, even sometimes long term friends or mentors, or someone I might see walking through the street. Disturbing fantasies. I get an urge to touch them (though never have). It's intense, powerful, consuming, and scary. Since this time, I can't look people in the eye, or if I try to, they immediately look away, since I come across as creepy or violating.

Never experienced this ever before in my life, only upon withdrawal. I've not done anything that is overtly socially inappropriate, but people can quickly feel awkward around me.  :'( :'(

Hence, it's hard to get my day done, feel safe or happy, and very hard to feel confident in the world, or pursue a career or social interaction.

By the end of the day, or depending on my mood, the urges and lusts die down. But it's been 12 months now, every morning until at least lunch time.

Help, support and opinions would be much appreciate, thankyou for taking the time to hear my story!

Peace and blessings,  ;D ;D

Nickos

 

[mousemat1]

Firstly, congratulation on taking your first steps to becoming porn free. It's a long, difficult struggle, but as you've seen it can be done.

The transition to porn which doesn't match your innate sexuality or tastes is well documented on this web site so I'm not going to go into it in detail but from my own experience this phenomena does fade with time. For example, I was compelled to watch transexual and sissy porn but now, after 81 days of no porn, masturbation or orgasm, I don't have any urges to watch to fantasise about these kinds of things. So, hang in there. Give your brain a rest and see where your sexual tastes lie after at least 90 days. Although, your goal here is to be porn free for the rest of your life. It's quite daunting to think that I'll never watch porn again but the way I approached it was to set a goal of 3 days porn free and to just add an extra day. Tomorrow I'll my goal is to go 1 more day porn free, which will bring me to 82 days!

If you love philosophy than you'll already know that your disturbing fantasies are not real. Just observe them, see them for what they are and ignore them. Don't think about them otherwise you'll just give them a power that, in reality, they don't have. By the same token, the positive feelings we have aren't real either, but what kind of an illusory world do you want to live in? One filled with negative or disturbing thoughts or one filled with positive thoughts. They are both false but I know which illusion I prefer to live with. Sometimes we get angry. Have you noticed that you have a choice to actually be angry or not? Sometimes we can stop 'ourselves' from really losing it. What is that part of the mind which makes that choice and if you can make that choice are the thoughts of anger actually 'you' or external to 'you'? The clarity of your mind is the thing that illuminates the thoughts 'you' attach to, but in reality that clarity is what 'you' are, not the thoughts it illuminates. Of course you can never see this aspect of 'your' mind but you know it's there because of the things it illuminates. It's like the human eye. The eye can't see itself but it knows it exists because of the things it perceives, but the things it perceives are not the eye. The point of this longwinded paragraph is to illustrate that our thoughts aren't real. so, just plant some positive thoughts in your mind, nurture them instead of the negative ones, feed them and they will grow. You'll still be living an illusion, but it'll be a more pleasant one until you 'wake up'.

Every person is different, so every person will have a different approach to how they want to approach their issues. Imagine you want kill a tree. There are two approaches; you can pick every leaf off the tree one by one, then cut the branches, then the trunk and eventually the tree will die. The other approach is to simply destroy the roots. In my opinion, psychiatry is the first approach. You address every issue in your life one by one until you get to the root of the problem. The most direct approach is to just head straight for the root of the problem. The root of the problem is attaching to habitual thoughts which are debilitating. The next time you see something that is too overwhelming just recognise that the thought is there, recognise it's not real and replace the thought with the opposite thought. At the beginning, this is incredibly difficult simply because you have developed a habitual way of thinking. When you were learning to play the piano your fingers found the patterns impossibly difficult simply because you hadn't programmed them with the right habitual movements. Now, you probably don't even have to think when you play. The same process is needed with thought patterns. Keep up with the counselling though. You will know what is best for yourself. My opinion is merely just that.

So, don't worry about the disturbing fantasies. Notice they are there, notice that 'something else' is observing they are there and that this 'something else' has the freedom to attach to these disturbing fantasies or not, then the choice is yours: continue thinking about them and reinforce the habit or think of something positive.

Good luck with your reboot and post you progress! 

 

[Nickos_Phoenix]

Thanks so much mousemat for taking the time, engaging with my story and style, and for your thoughtful response!

Obviously, being in the middle of the shit storm soup which is porn addiction, I will probably remain very confused for a time. This community and other communities have significantly reduced my level of confusion and the overwhelming fear of all the bizzare-ness of recovery and reboot. I know what to expect, and how to fight it now!

I think you're right, I think that my mind has become very conditioned to identifying myself with my thoughts and feelings, and in a habit of pessimism and pain. Though as I recover, meditate and notice my patterns, I start to realise that I don't have to identify myself with my thoughts or feelings! Intense and difficult emotions come, then they pass, they teach me something about myself and my world, and then they're gone. Anxiety is a key culprit for projecting over-amplified fears and emotions...

My psychiatrist mentioned to me some time ago "You've been winding yourself down with non-real pain for a long time, with anxiety, so heal yourself with "non-real" happiness - or rather "fake it until you make it" ".

Give me more time to process this, but thanks so much, I think you've put your finger on something that I needed to hear, something that I needed help with.

I will definitely continue to post my progress. Cheers and blessings

 

[mousemat1]

We all have the same problems, my friend! It takes a lot of effort for me to realise that I create my own 'reality'. Or rather, how I choose to experience my own relative reality.

I've successfully rebooted in the past and relapsed but I'm determined that this is the very last time I go through this shit. If you have any questions just ask. I'm no expert on anything but perhaps by sharing our experiences we also share the burden.

Good luck! 

 

[tee174]

Hi

What you said is part of withdrawl process, additionally i am having headache all the time , this porn addiction is hard to quit but a battle we should win.

tee

 

[Jz15]

4 weeks ago I felt exactly the same, tried stabbing myself also and fall onto a running car.

Now I've experienced what you did on first week and I have never been more driven, aggressive, attractive than ever before. I was a weirdo looking guy and people from the same class didn't even know me, because I was trying to isolate myself.. I didn't look at girls, I didn't want to make friends, and I thought I was powerless to quit my porn addiction which had escalated to things I started imagining on real life people, and thats what scared me and prompted me to kill myself.

After I registered here, you cannot believe how much it changed me... It was like there was a ON/OFF button somewhere and I finally found it. Cut porn cold turkey, never had more than 5 urges to watch in 30 days, all these fetishes started fading that now even the most vanilla porn induced fetishes such as feet have vanished completely..

I thought watching vids and information was what I needed. But no. I needed to come here and talk to real people about a real issue... This just turned porn off completely man in such a short time..

Girls noticed that...we've been in the same school for over 3 years yet they treat me like I am a new guy, and not only that, but the cool guy of the college....go figure...

Of course there are other things you've got to work on, money etc, but just to give you some idea...

Thought I was perverted for life one month ago, couldnt stop watching porn, and then...that guy literally just died. Think for a while what real time support can do to you my friend...

 

[Nickos_Phoenix]

Hi all! Hi Tee and Jz

Thanks for sharing your recovery stories and continuing to follow this thread.

Yeah the lows for me have been so low that they do, sadly, become suicidal, like you said Jz, very disturbing thoughts. So awesome to hear that you've revived a social wholeness and freshness, I'm super keen to get to that point, a point in my life that I have experienced before but not for years!! Also, it's awesome to hear how being a part of this community has helped, I've joined some real time discord chat rooms also. I have a mentor who knows me quite well, who struggled with the older generation of sex addiction, back in the 70s and 80s. Lots of the emotional and spiritual issues overlap. Yet, the new generation of digital saturation, the madness of this new porn world, is something wholly new, bizzare, it's an onslaught to our minds and souls.

It's been 4 weeks for me without watching or streaming any online or internet porn, which is the best and longest I've done in 4 years! Only a few times have I felt the urge to turn it on again. This has been largely assisted through the flatline and very low depressive moods, mind you. But still! It's a huge step for me. I've noticed massive brain changes. I also had to take 3 weeks off work. Thankfully I have that luxury. Some of my strongest urges have been to revisit some cam chat room girls whom I have been hooked on, and whom I miss (lol sad-case). Thankfully I have a good filter on at present. Cam girls - they were really something for me that "did the spot" for a time. But those relationships are artificial and fake. Basically, they are sex workers. If anyone has/has not gone down that path, avoid it, it can be more hooking than rushing porn vids because she actually talks back and flirts with you, and does what you want. Sorry, trigger warning.

My urges have been for MO - so technically, it's been "easy mode" particularly for the past 10 days. I'm super vulnerable to triggers, all sorts of triggers - emotional triggers - girls in the park. My fantasies are still poisoned and somewhat pornified - but noticably less so than they have been for a long time. At times I feel like my teenage- sexually curious, sexually normal self again - enjoying thinking about real girls and which ones I find sexy and cute, fantasising about being with them, holding their hands, kissing, talking, as well as sex, rather than the p0rnified idiotic socially anxious jackhammer that the digital porn makes you, lol!  I have to be careful, I've never really had a gf, and I can get overly chasey with ladies. That is also a dysfunction, some call it "love" addiction, but also I think it can be just another symptom of PMO / masked lust addiction. In any case, I'm moving forward, the net direction is up. The times in my life with the least PMO, have been the times of best social happiness and functioning for me!

Today, was the freshest, most purpose filled, calm, zen morning I have had in so long. Disturbing thoughts and ruminations were at an all time low since my addiction journey began.

So much has continued to come to light for me in this time, it's hard to describe - like every day is a year. It will make a lot of sense to you guys (and to myself, now) that I have identified NoSurf as a MASSIVE issue for me, in addition to NoFap.

All the classic symptoms of inattention, edginess, restlessness, impatience - what you might call, this "Digital age, Digital addiction-induced attention deficit disorder" describes me very accurately, including many classic symptoms of ADHD - everything is never enough, always needing stimulation, slow emotional maturation. Everything is never enough, and it's not here fast enough. Actually, I'm positive that through my early years and teens I suffered from being somewhere on the adhd spectrum.
NoSurf "unplug" is truly something. I've started writing, journaling, practising the piano, I can more easily read whole chapters of books again, at once, in one sitting. Still got a long way to go, though.

I'll continue to report and share, please tell me more about your own experiences, any of you guys also hooked by surfing addiction? Hear this - from 2008-2011, I'm positive that each day travelling to university and even during classes I would constantly be listening to either very technically intense music (jazz / prog) and or very intellectually deep philosophical lectures. Probably 3-4 hours a day, or more. To fill my curiosity - but honestly - to escape my anxiety and emotions, and inability to approach friends/family/mentors with help with deep personal and emotional struggles. That was through internet downloads, CDs, but through my black 20GB Ipod! Haha. If that's not hyperstimulation addiction I don't know what is. I was a Jordan Peterson hardcore fan waiting to happen haha. And now, I'm cleaning my room! With the lectures and internet OFF.

I feel more - slooow - chilled - at ease - ANALOGUE - normal, natural, human, than I have in a long time.

Still much to learn and more to achieve in this journey,

blessings guys and hit back!

Nickos