Evening all,
I had a rather unfortunate realization over the weekend...I barely have any positive associations with sex. It's all just anxiety, shame, and failure. Due to psychological difficulties and then porn addiction, I've never had a regular sex life, I've had a few girlfriends but due to porn issues the sex aspect was very limited. So, that's not great but, it's a starting point.
Anyway, I think as a product of that, I decided to break the hardcore no PMO and masturbated. I'm slightly kicking myself because I didn't use any lotion - on the basis of trying to stay away from death grip syndrome, but it actually felt really good (as you might imagine after 116 days or so). So, I'm ok with that, there's was a slight thought of watching porn and a few old porn fantasies came into my head, but I managed to banish them and focused on the sensations.
So, this is a new stage I feel...1. no porn obviously, that's just off the agenda forever. 2. I'm allowed to masturbate if, and only if, I'm feeling horny. Previously I'd used porn (and masturbation) as an emotional crutch of sorts. Feeling lonely? Have a wank. Feeling desperate? Have a wank. Feeling bored? Have a wank...you get the idea. So, only if I'm actually feeling horny, then I can masturbate but 3. I have to remember to use lotion and focus on the physical sensations. If at any point old emotions kick in, I'll pause for a while, and metaphorically walk through the negativity and work out what's going on. Better to not masturbate in a psychologically healthy way than masturbate in an unhealthy way.
Karzam.
