Recovering1
Member
Thanks Stiffy, I really needed the reassurance. It is fucking hard. And it is dark. But you're right. Im just going to keep grinding. Your words really took some weight off me.
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Ready to Recover
- Thread starter Recovering1
- Start date
Recovering1
Member
Well, my strength of will faltered today and I PMO'd. Several times in fact. All of the depression and frustration I've been feeling the past few months just came to a head and I lost control of myself. I'm trying to spare myself the guilt-trip I normally go on after I PMO. Feeling sorry for myself doesn't do anything. I just remind myself of all the material on the internet (from brave people like Gabe Deem) and everything that other's who have gone before me have left behind to teach. Relapse is part of the process. It was highly unlikely that I would make it all the way to full recovery without stumbling along the way. So here I am.
I don't want this to sound like justification for my actions. It isn't. PMO is a destructive force in my brain that causes real damage to me directly and others around me indirectly. The fact that relapse is likely, doesn't make it acceptable. To be perfectly frank, I was terrified of the day when I relapsed. I was afraid that it would mean that recovery was impossible for me. I know now that it doesn't. Writing this journal entry is revitalizing my desire for recovery. I had glimpses of recovery over the past summer and it was amazing. I want that back. I need that back.
The closer I got to recovery, the further away I got from my journal. I lost focus. I started paying too much attention to relationships that either weren't real or weren't going anywhere. I put women on a pedestal. That lack of focus and direction has bled into other aspects of my life as well. So this post is me righting the ship. I'm not going to stray from this journal as I did in the past. I'm not going to fall into the same loop of bullshit that kept me blind and numb for so much of my life. THAT would be death. THAT would be the end of me, and I won't have it. I just can't. So thank you reboot nation for existing. Thank you for being here to receive my frustrations, my secrets, and my pain. Thank you for being a platform from which I can launch my healing. I need it.
I don't want this to sound like justification for my actions. It isn't. PMO is a destructive force in my brain that causes real damage to me directly and others around me indirectly. The fact that relapse is likely, doesn't make it acceptable. To be perfectly frank, I was terrified of the day when I relapsed. I was afraid that it would mean that recovery was impossible for me. I know now that it doesn't. Writing this journal entry is revitalizing my desire for recovery. I had glimpses of recovery over the past summer and it was amazing. I want that back. I need that back.
The closer I got to recovery, the further away I got from my journal. I lost focus. I started paying too much attention to relationships that either weren't real or weren't going anywhere. I put women on a pedestal. That lack of focus and direction has bled into other aspects of my life as well. So this post is me righting the ship. I'm not going to stray from this journal as I did in the past. I'm not going to fall into the same loop of bullshit that kept me blind and numb for so much of my life. THAT would be death. THAT would be the end of me, and I won't have it. I just can't. So thank you reboot nation for existing. Thank you for being here to receive my frustrations, my secrets, and my pain. Thank you for being a platform from which I can launch my healing. I need it.