I'm going to end my addiction to porn to save my marriage and my family.

[Aaron]

Hello everyone!

My name is Aaron and I'm 26 years old. I just got done watching Gabe's two videos on YouTube, discussing addiction to porn and how to overcome it. His videos have inspired me to get serious about getting over my addiction, because after years of trying to stop myself, I failed time and time again.

My wife and I have discussed, argued, analyzed, and prayed over my addiction for a while, and even with her support, its been extremely difficult to quit. I'm hoping that opening a journal on here and being honest with myself, my wife, and the audience here, I will be able to overcome my addiction...

 

[Jimmy]

Hey man - I'm in a similar situation. Also married. Also 26. My wife is religious. I am not. I am trying to quit. Stick with it man. It's worth it. It's also very challenging.

 

[fightthefight]

Hi Aaron. It is great that you are being honest about this with yourself and with your wife. That can be one of the hardest steps to take, but is absolutely necessary for getting to grips with this and finding freedom. Have you got anyone in real life that you can be accountable to as well? I am a Christian and have found that opening up to a few guys (that I trust) at church has also helped, as we are able to discuss the problem, any underlying issues and spur each other on towards freedom. It is something a lot of men struggle with, but so much shame can be attached in a religious setting that it is not discussed, even though the congregation may wish they could discuss it. I don't know how big an addiction it is for you, but in the past I used to watch porn most days growing up (I am now 23) - over the last year or so, it is now less than once a week, which is progress. It is good to celebrate each victory and thank God for it, but also keep pressing on towards total freedom. I am encouraged to read stories of guys who are totally free and haven't watched porn for years! The journey may be quick or it may take time, but it is definitely worth it and better than staying in the pit!

 

[Aaron]

Hey guys, thanks for the support. It is good to know that there are a lot of other people out there with struggles similar to mine. I guess I should go into a little more depth to my issues.

I've been watching some form of porn or another since I was around 12 years old. It started out as late night cable stuff, then as my parents got a computer with internet, it evolved into more and more hardcore internet porn as I got older. I don't feel that I had a real problem until I was in college and I was watching daily, sometimes 3 to 4 times a day. I would do it mostly when I was bored or lonely, I didn't, and still don't, fantasize about watching porn during the day when I'm not at a computer... most of the time it?s an opportunistic urge that I can't predict or control most of the time.

I got married to my wife last year in July. While we were dating, my wife and I both watched porn. We lived about 800 miles away from each other so that?s how we justified it. I think she watched because I wasn't there and she needed to release sexual tension periodically. I rationalized to myself that that was the same reason that I watched, but it really wasn't. I watched because I had conditioned myself since the age of 12 to be addicted to porn.

Once we were married we moved in together, she stopped watching porn because of our marriage. I continued to watch behind her back because I could not stop myself, I watched for the same reasons as before; it was purely in the moment and not pre-planned whatsoever. Over the past year, she has caught me time and time again and expressed to me that continuing to watch, made her feel inadequate and not beautiful. It was difficult for me to explain that that's not how I felt at all about her. I do think she is beautiful and a wonderful mother to my child, but I could not overcome my addiction to porn. Also, I should probably mention, that during the time we dated, I was sexting other girls. I never followed through physically cheating on my then girlfriend now wife, but I do consider myself a cheater in that I texted girls things that I never should have. Honestly, I feel like the time I was sexting other girls, was a form of pornography for me. It was instant gratification in the form of words on a screen and pictures that I could access from my smartphone. So that in itself buried myself deeper in a hole that I couldn't climb out of, until now hopefully. Currently, I have been able to give up sexting other girls by removing those people in my life through deleting them on facebook and my phone contacts. So I guess I have made small progress.

So, after a few arguments and last straws, I am here trying to fix myself because I know this is what I need. I did consider going to the people at my church to talk about my issues but, I'm not very comfortable with putting all my issues out to people who think I'm a nice guy, a great husband, and a good father. I feel like coming out would ruin that image.

 

[fightthefight]

It sounds like you've made progress already, by recognising the problems and addressing them - particularly sexting other girls. I know what you mean about the "nice guy" image - unfortunately church can sometimes encourage people to act really holy, rather than actually pursue being holy, even if it means you have to let other people see some of your faults.

I do think there is a big advantage in telling someone you trust about this, besides your wife (as she is obviously very emotionally involved in the whole situation). You'd be surprised at how many men in church are struggling with this: surveys have shown over half of men in church consider themselves "addicted to pornography", even pastors. Anecdotally, I have spoken about this with a large number of guys and I have only encountered a couple in all of that time that don't struggle with it. So the chances are the men at your church might be secretly struggling too, but don't have anyone who can help them either.

You can find freedom from this. It seems that one of the triggers that can lead to porn use for you is opportunity - having an empty house, unfiltered internet and an unstructured schedule. I think you need to plan in advance to tackle each of these things, so that you don't find yourself on porn and not knowing how you got there. It might be a good idea to keep a journal and if you relapse, write down the sequence of events that led to it. This will help you identify the patterns of behaviour that lead you to porn. Once you have identified these, you can plan how you will do things differently next time. For example, if you know you will be home alone an evening in the week, plan in advance some things to do. Likewise, it can be beneficial to put an internet filter on your computer to remove the opportunity of unregulated internet. I would imagine that there might be other reasons beyond just opportunity that you look at porn, such as boredom or tiredness or frustrations/anger. It could be something you are using to fill a need or desire in your life. So it is worth contemplating and identifying these reasons, and making active decisions and choices to replace porn with healthy things instead. Rewiring is as much about changing the way you think about porn as it is about physical changes in the brain from abstaining - they are both closely linked. I have found that the more I focus elsewhere on pursuing God's purpose for my life and developing my relationship with Him, so the old desire for porn gets weaker and weaker and new, good desires take their place.

The Apostle Paul in his letter to the Christians in Rome put it like this:

"I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice?the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don?t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God?s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." (Romans 12:1-2)

 

[Aaron]

Thanks for the input, I have considered coming out to one of my friends at church about my issues. Maybe I should just quit thinking about it and do it. Do you still struggle with watching porn? Or do you consider yourself done with it?

 

[fightthefight]

Yeah bite the bullet - as long as it is someone you trust & respect, you won't regret it - I felt a lot of the shame lifted when I told some close friends about it. Slowly I've become more and more open about it around men that I respect and each time I feel a little more weight lift and a bit freer. I think the guilt/shame/secrecy associated with porn addiction is one of the things that makes it powerful - removing that can instantly remove a lot of its strength.

I do still struggle, but I am not intending to go back to it. I used to watch it most days, and often for hours on end. Usually this wasn't planned - I would just have an unstructured evening and either nothing to do or lots to do, so I would go to it either for excitement or to escape for a bit. The more I learned about it and reflected, I noticed a lot of common reasons and triggers and that it wasn't just random but there were usually choices I'd make or situations I'd face that would lead to my porn use. These days, my porn use has fallen considerably - the average over the last few months has been about once every 10 or 14 days rather than 3 or 4 times a week. That being said, my aim is not to reduce my porn use but to eradicate it completely - each time I use it now is a relapse, but I take an inventory of what led me there, resolve to change, ask for forgiveness and move on afresh. I hope that soon I will be completely free of porn by God's grace - life is much better without it!

 

[Aaron]

Well, I haven't been counting the days really but it has been a couple of weeks since I used, but today was especially hard. Its the times when I am by myself and not busy doing anything, makes it the most difficult. I literally have to argue with myself internally to not cave in. I'm just trying to fill the time I have before I go into work by studying, cleaning my house, etc. I'm praying everyday that I can get over this.

 

[fightthefight]

Times when you are alone can often be the hardest - I have found that I'm most tempted when I have nothing to do (boredom) and no one around to catch me (opportunity), which is often exacerbated if I feel tired or have low motivation. I've found it is helpful to acknowledge that I am feeling tempted and then work out why, and then remove those triggers or counter them in some way. By distancing myself from the immediate desire and examining what is making me feel more tempted or likely to give in, it straight away takes away some of the passion and heat of the moment. For example, get out of the situation if you feel like you are about to give in - go for a walk or to the gym.

It's good that you have resisted so far and that you are already filling your time with productive things to do instead. Perhaps think about what you can do to reward yourself when you do resist - not watching porn obviously - but something that is rewarding and enjoyable for when things are hard.

I'll pray for you mate. Challenges may come, but God promises there is no temptation we will face that will be too hard for us or that we will be stuck with (1 Corinthians 10:13). Others are facing temptations too, but we have, can and will overcome them!

 

[Aaron]

Thanks for the prayers. I also pray for myself and everyone on here because it is a rough journey. I can start my clock over today because I did use today. I can't even pick out what trigger caused me to want to watch, but once it hit, it was hard to control. My wife and I made a deal that if I used, I would tell her immediately because she believes that I am really trying to get over this. Well, I didn't tell her immediately and a application we agreed to install on my phone to help me, notified her that I used. So now I'm not really sure what to do.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what drug addicts feel like...