Recovery Journel

[anewhope]

Hello i have been in and out of this forum for around a year now, I have had good periods of recovery but nothing consistent. since i have recognised my problems with porn i have noticed a increase is quality of life but i have serious low's at times. seems to be a cycle i keep replaying of relapse - depression and anxiety - getting back on it - good times- relapse and repeat. I'm tired of this cycle. my weaknesses are becoming complacent and not keeping up with daily recovery work and i slip. I'm making this journey for me as having a platform to display my thoughts and a place where i can maintain recovery will help me a huge amount.

I am 22 and I'm single and feel like if i don't stop porn completely it will massively effect my work and studies like it did a few years back.I also smoke weed and up until recently had 4 months away from it and felt really good and positive. In those 4 months I had the longest run of abstinence from porn I have ever had,But the past 3 weeks i started smoking again and recovery took a backseat, that is never going to work. recovery from porn AND weed is essential. so i guess i will just be talking about how I'm feeling each day and tracking my progress. i will post once a day if not twice, once in the morning setting my targets for the day and once at night reflecting on the day.


Day One
So this morning i used porn after a night of smoking weed with a few friends. since the increase in weed in the past few weeks I have noticed more anxiety and more risk of me relapsing on porn. i have a lot of work to be doing for my studies and my job and its starting to get in the way as its effecting the health of my mind.

I'm trying a new diet to become more healthy and thinking about getting blood work done to show my nutrient levels. I'm not un healthy or out of shape but i am really conscious of my foods now and my overall health. so along side this diet and regular exersize a healthy mind is what i would like and porn and weed further that goal from my grasps.

my targets for today is to eat good remaining on this diet and to use mindfulness whenever seeing a beautiful women throughout my day or at home scrolling the internet to maintain in recovery. also no weed today after i finish work and no use of porn or edging (instagram Facebook blah blah) i want to be in bed tonight at a reasonable time and reflect on how successful the day was.

Peace.

 

[anewhope]

Day Two

Day two of my recovery journey, Didn't get chance this morning to update a post  so doing it now after work.
Reflecting on what i posted previously and what my targets were, For the first days targets. No porn was completed but i smoked weed that night with a friend who came round after we both finished work. it led to staying up until 4am which then effected my day today massively as i relapsed on porn in the morning. i was feeling really low today and very anxious. i really despise what porn is and what it does to me and how it has got me into this cycle. Normally when i fail like this i will not post and just go in to a pit of sadness and never get anywhere, however today i kept telling myself to no give up and post tonight after work go to bed early and wake up for work as i am on early in the morning. Today i didn't get out of bed until 4 and i missed my sessions for my studies because of porn and the laziness due to the fact i was high and went to sleep very late the night before.

i have assessed where i went wrong and have come up with methods to avoid it e.g. leaving my laptop downstairs when i go to sleep so its not accesible in the morning from bed. i have realised that the mornings are a big threat to me so distancing myself from the use of the internet in the morning will help that.

My targets for the rest of tonight and tomorrow are as follows
-get to sleep before 1am as i am on early tomorrow (i finished work 10:30 so due to that i normally don't sleep for a while)
-have a morning routine of a tall glass of water and sit down in my patio before i leave.
-keep up with the healthy diet i am doing ( going well so far )
-No porn
-No weed

Peace

 

[anewhope]

Day Three

Had a good day today, ate well, stayed away from any sort of edging online and got a lot done, i feel positive this evening. unfortunately i have smoked but i have kept up with recovery work and kept my mind focussed on the goal of going no where near a relapse.

onwards and upwards, bring tomorrow on!

peace

 

[anewhope]

Day four

Another good day, no edging online whatsoever, i simply walked away from my computer whenever i felt like i could be venerable (i work on my computer often).
my second day porn free, i had a few problems with my general mood and feeling on edge a little but as i have been dealing with feeling like this for a long time my head has got good at calling bullshit feelings and being mindfull about my negative feelings and thoughts. ate well again and feeling great.

over all feeling good and motivated. bring on tomorrow!

Peace

 

[anewhope]

Day Four & Five

Didn't get chance to post yesterday and unfortunately i relapsed in the night and morning. for the past few days i have been making myself aware when i could be at risk which has proved successful. i just didn't keep the consistency with that and lapsed in the night. making sure I'm posting on here still and not doing the usual thing and slipping on this too. i do feel positive and have had productive 2 days even tho of the relapse. i just need to apply what i know, better then i have done.

onwards and upwards

peace

 

[anewhope]

Day 6,7,8

Unfortunately i haven't posted in three days, this is due to the fact i relapsed twice, really got me down and i felt embarrassed to post. but relapse is apart of the process i guess and my councillor has told me to keep posting. it reminds me of what i have achieved in terms of recovery that day.
the biggest reason i need to keep posting is because i have noticed that consistency in motivation is a big issue,  posting here everyday will aid my motivation each day.

I'm still feeling positive and my head has been all over the place the past few days but its time to be strong...not weak. and conquer this using the methods and tools i know inside out. i need to focus and keep my motivation consistent.

i hope everyone had a great day in recovery.


Peace

 

[OutOfTheHole]

What do you think led to your relapse? My most common reasons for slipping are:

[list type=decimal]
[*]Life stresses
[*] Being in situations where I used to act out
[/list]

Are you keeping all your old habits associated with PMO? Are you trying to find healthy ways to spend your time? These are all good questions to ask after a relapse.

 

[mert]

New diet really helps, in my case I cut off sugar a bit and it really boosted my willpower, even others noticed. You're going very good man hope you'll make 30 - 90 days !!

 

[anewhope]

Hey guys thanks for your replies. recently my diet has gone down the drain and the night it did i fell really ill and have been for a few days hence the lack of posting .But as i say thats a reason, it really is not. I found myself off work and lazing around the house feeling sorry for myself and its produced relapse and it got me really upset. I found my feet again and re established my accountability partner using covenant eyes which i never did before i just had the software blocking sites but i always found a way round it. now having someone who gets sent my browsing habits has obviously deterred me from relapsing but i requested the password mid relapse today and i felt terrible. i have now set it all up again and told my partner never to give me the password unless in person. and to my delight an update fixing problems such as browser compatibility came out, which before in some browsers it wouldn't work and therefore was a route to relapse. now it seems pretty impossible to do that now so thats good.

your question to why am i relapsing and changing old behaviours which caused it has got me thinking... i relapsed recently because i was trying to do some creative work and my head was just everywhere, not letting me focus (i think this is due to the weed which i have been off completely for 2 days and before that has been very minimal) but i found myself browsing model photo's online due to my lack of focus and restlessness. i knew that getting up and going for a walk would be better but i guess i just fell. but thinking about it all, maybe there is better ways ... new and different methods to complete such work instead of sitting at my desk. i like working in coffee shops, different environment and i have full focus when Im there doing it. maybe i should at least while things are difficult to do my work there, after all i love coffee.

but Im going to keep thinking about the old behaviours that were in motion before relapse because i think that could be very helpful. as for the diet, i was on keto diet so no sugers and very low carbs. it was hard but i dont think im going to get back on it. i am just going to maintain a clean diet and avoid sugers as that was my main motivation for doing the diet in the first place.

so recovery wise, my accountability partner is set up and so is my internet software. and my aim is to keep moving onwards and never giving up.

peace

 

[mert]

Hey man!

It was in keto diet and in my case too it helped me a lot but I felt always hungry so after some time I relapsed again. It's very good idea to change the workplace especially public spaces are good if you're working with your computer, I'm also working with my computer at night and it was really hard to not open some websites when you stuck somewhere or bored a lot. 

Also, you're very right it's really hard to resist this urges and do keto diet instead I'm now just trying to lower down sugar but at the same time, I know my priority is just nofap. 

 

[anewhope]

RELAPSE

So it has been 11 days since i have last posted and i haven't gotten a anywhere. i have been smoking weed daily apart from 3 days about a week ago. and i have been relapsing on porn everyday if not every other. i do have covenant eyes and my reports get sent to my accountability partner so most of the relapses were using social media.  it didn't really give me the feeling of relapse as it was the most PG porn out there but today i found another device that wasn't tied and can't be to my covenant eyes.

this caused me to have a relapse that i could delve in to any porn i wanted. and it has given me so much pain today. fetishes that have developed because of being addicted to porn cropped up. it brings me fear, pain, and so much shame. i had one of the worst days today and i took a step back and just asked myself "what the hell am i doing, I'm smoking weed again and relapsing on porn, not doing any recovery work and just being a fucking idiot". I'm so angry with myself but managed to calm my emotions down. and i know its now or never. I've got so much to live for but at the very same time weed and porn is ruining all of that. i hope to never feel like this again and i know the next few days are going to be hard dealing with the aftermath of a relapse.
but I'm back here, i told myself i wouldn't stop posting. i did for 11 days. and I'm back for the rest of my recovery. I'm not quitting and i can't. i have to do this, I'm desperate for success.

to the guys who have replied to me thanks for your input and it was the keto diet for me as well. i found it all too hard to keep up with, I'm focusing on my recovery from porn and weed first, one step at a time.

peace

 

[Berens]

Sorry to hear that you have relapsed. Giving up on PMO and weed simultaneously can be hard but we must regain our will power. We don't know how much we are losing because of it. It's okay that you feel those emotions.

 

[anewhope]

thanks man.

things aren't at the level of improvement i would like. I've still been smoking all though a lot less and had a couple days off. and the porn hasn't reached any level of relapse like before, its mostly just relapsing to things like instagram etc. although i have deleted all social media i can still access it which I'm going to change in my covenant eyes settings.

i feel like I'm feeling pretty shitty recently and its a way to escape that, thats how it usually works. i don't really deal with things emotionally in the correct way, i have a tendency to ignore them using weed and porn.

i really am going to try to cut out the weed i think it will help me massively. and i need to just break the cycle of this and after a few days get some momentum. i need to put my all in to it but I'm really busy and wanting to do a lot and just end up not paying as much attention to recovery as i should. this is something i need to work on.

my goal is to really try hard to get in some recovery work e.g. podcasts and books or videos that will aid my recovery each day and take it day by day.

peace

 

[anewhope]

although i have maintained recovery work the past 2 days i slipped quite badly again today and resulted in a binge of about 5 hours of porn. again has made me feel very very shit about myself. scared, shameful and just lost for motivation. this evening I've managed to gather my thoughts and attack the problems I'm facing head on.

it came from me being able to gain the password to my filter and the rest is history but the main problem was that a social media viewer was accessable before which resulted in a few relapses and ultimately edging every day checking model pages and Pornstar pages etc. that has now been fixed and is no longer available. my filter is back online and i have changed the accountability email to my partner from weekly to daily.

i have also been researching porn addiction and came across a interesting video from a phycologist i listen to a lot and in the video which i will post the link for. He talks about porn not being the problem, you not living life is the problem. as porn addiction is a major problem in my life i also have many others i except to fall out of place once i achieve sobriety. but thats not the correct attitude, things like health, social life, education and career are all things that deserve attention imediatly and as soon as i address the matter of my life on a whole i will never escape porn. in the video he says to wright for 20 mins on what your life could be like in 3 - 5 years if you take care of yourself like it was someone you very much cared about. and write about what your life could be like in 3 - 5 years if you didn't and the hell it becomes.

so i did that and its something i will try to read daily. to have a story that makes you really want to maintain in recovery is key as i loose touch of life and the consequences porn can bring hence why i struggle a lot with the consistency of recovery. i always fail after a few days as the consequences of porn addiction and the outcome of freedom slip in to the depths of mind to which i don't think about.

so today i felt very scattered and depressed to fuck until i took a moment to collect my thoughts and re start recovery and really this time try to change things. i have a bag of weed downstairs which I'm not smoking. keeping it locked away as i KNOW it is a major role in distraction not just from recovery, but in life.

cheers guys.

Here is the video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hLnhfLqj-k

 

[anewhope]

So its been a while since i posted and things in my life have massively changed, I've met someone great and its making me a lot happier, i haven't watched porn in 7 days and for me thats quite an achievement. I realised today after a little bit of anxiety i need to maintain some level of recovery work to really prevent a relapse so i can continue staying porn free. so i thought i would post, i feel strong and motivated and more happier. my anxiety has gone up quite a lot as I am stressed at the moment but,  i am feeling way more happier and positive. i hope to keep posting to stay on track.

Peace.