My journey - Compulsive escalated porn usage

[UsualMood]

Hello everyone. I didn't think I had to make a journal at first but now I definately feel the need to start one because I think, this is a special kind of addiction. You can talk to people if you struggle to quit smoking, or losing weight, but this..? I cannot find someone to talk to in real life.

Sparing the details, early 20s I am trying to quit using porn since this October. It was when I had escalated into very extreme material and that's when I started questioning my sexuality. I was never attracted to the things I had been watching over the last years and it had come to the point where I was watching porn compulsively. My porn sessions would be 5 minutes maximum, just to jerk off and get that high to whatever I could find arousing after all these years of porn abuse.

Little progress since then, except that HOCD and other fetishes I had seen in porn and disturbed my every day life don't mess with my interactions with people and my confidence anymore. The problem is I haven't got past 1 month PMO free since then. Actually just now I pmoed. I did it so compulsively I felt really depressed during and after, which is now as I am writing this entry.

I think I have to put big yet realistic goals for myself, because so far I have been trying to achieve everything I could in all the things I am involved in and It hasn't worked at all. I get extremely fatigued physically and psychologically after some time and I just binge to food or porn, like I did now.

I want this to be a fresh start, related to the past but not a product of it. The problem is not masturbation for me, it is porn and the things I have wired my sexuality to. I actually wish I could enjoy masturbation to the sense alone, and of course a beautiful woman in my bed. I hope this is the beginning of the end once and for all. I will try to post every 10 days so that I will be talking about real progress not just empty words followed by relapses. Had enough of those in my head so far, and haven't helped at all.

Wish everyone who is struggling with this addiction the best.

 

[mark098i]

I find the easiest way to break compulsive behavior like this is to stay away from the place you PMO the most for as long as you can. When I first started out I had a girl to pull my attention away from porn but after awhile when things leveled out I pretty mush lived in bars because they were open during the time I was most likely to PMO. I did this for about a month and it really helped.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

I find the easiest way to break compulsive behavior like this is to stay away from the place you PMO the most for as long as you can. When I first started out I had a girl to pull my attention away from porn but after awhile when things leveled out I pretty mush lived in bars because they were open during the time I was most likely to PMO. I did this for about a month and it really helped.

That sounds like good advice bro, in his book, Gary Wilson mentioned that even something as simple as rearanging the furniture could help since our brain makes associations.This along with a web adult blocker such as K-9.Anyways, take care guys.

 

[UsualMood]

Hello everyone. Day 10.

Withdrawals - I suffered heavy anxiety / stress so far. Things that wouldn't stress me out like future plans are now looking scary out of nowhere. I am feeling really awkward when going in public during the first minutes or so, feeling like all eyes are on me.
Self esteem has gone out of the window completely... The only time I feel self worth is in the gym when I can look myself on the mirror but when I am going out, regardless of my looks I feel like a loser.

Changes I've done - Switched from hot water to cold water for showers for 5-10 minutes per session. Sometimes maybe 3 times per day sometimes less. I've also noticed it has helped me lose weight and look more vascular. I am also using cardio everyday now. Especially during off gym days.

Urges - I had 3 urges so far. During all of them I felt really bad about myself just before I got the urges and the common thought was : I won't / can't change - I've built my life around it, why shouldn't I continue. That happened at day 8 , 9 and today during the morning because I lost my sleep because of noises from outside and then all of a sudden huge urges... I said... ok screw it I cannot take a cold shower right now and I cant run from them forever whatever happens I don't care. Then I slept like a log ) I felt very happy waking up without any regret about feeling the urge.

Side notes - I've been smoke free the past 9 days and also another huge issue for me I have finally stopped binge eating after 20 days of eating compulsively to the point I felt really sad and bad for myself. I've regulated the doses, calories proteins and I can finally hit my macros, and feel all this extra fat leaving my body.

I hope you're all having a great day.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

Good stuff man, keep it up!

 

[UsualMood]

Ive not put any update because I had no serious urges to fight back except self harming feelings which most of the times translate to watching porn. Thankfully I think I ve gone beyond that because the past days Ive gone through such phases yet didnt think to watch porn so I could forget my life.

On day 23 I MOed very quickly because I felt so heavy I needed some relief. It lasted about a minute just to release the pressure I had been feeling. Im quite introvert and I dont feel like having a girl just to rewire sex with, for the moment at least. I dont want to quit masturbation either just to get urge to find a girl to do that for me lol that looks like another kind of addiction to me, just the way I see it though, I dont want to criticise anybody. So I thought this would be a good idea. Some tingling feeling , just for a minute , some relief afterwards.. what would go wrong ???

And really the rest of the afternoon ( that happened at noon ) until the next morning I felt great. No stress no anything , felt more alive etc. But damn.... after that point until today it got me in a huge flatline.. I say its huge I dont know if its the worst ive had so far. Penis is dead , symptoms like low confidence and self esteem which seemed to fade away have come back worst than ever. This flu forcing me to stay at home missing gym and cardio cold showers etc doesnt help much.

If I knew I would feel like this I wouldnt touch it...at least I hope so. I dont like to blame the things we do on the difficulties we go through but that was a really tough week and still is. Anyways, so far as an update.

 

[UsualMood]

Withdrawals begin to fade slowly... Still have flashbacks of hardcore porn. I dont find them arousing but I definately get confused or even angry sometimes because I dont want them at all. Its like my previous self crying out for attention while I am regaining balance.And if by chance the good old nerves start hard wiring again - cold shower is my friend. This has helped me tremendously now that I think of it.

Social anxiety and nervousness begin to fade slowly. I actually find socializing quite enjoyable once more. Mood swings are not as frequent and deep as before.

It still is a bumpy ride but I think Im noticing some positive effects as described above. Socializing had helped a lot also. Best of luck to all of you guys.

 

[UsualMood]

Okay so the past few weeks my libido has been dead. You know the reboot is working when it is the first summer of my life since 13 years old that finally, FINALLY !!!! I dont look at a girls toes first thing and have no desire whatsoever to do so. I slowly escalated when I was younger to deeper and deeper genres of porn , and that was one of the first to be devoured by my hungry adolecent brain. Before that I had no desire besides breasts and a beautiful body in general.

Though my sexual desire is dead and I feel like an old man I can appreciete a beautiful face... I even got a crush on a girl... Too bad we just met in a seminar and I decided to ignore my feelings knowning I couldnt be with her long enough for a relationship or to even know each other ( which was very painful for me and awkward for both of us I think she was interested as well ).

In other news, libido is really dead, this aint my imagination I decided to go for a drink with some friends, ended up dancing all night with some girls we met there, I was like a fish out of the water no matter how much I tried and how much I drank ( I dont drink often, but I thought that would help ) I almost felt no joy , I was just triying to blend in with the other guys not to look like a straight edge weirdo. I knew it was a mistake to go out and meet girls like this because I never liked that, but I read here and there that you should go out etc etc. so I got furious and went for it. Long story short, penis dead all night long, prayed to God we dont end up in a bed , and gladly we didnt ( lol ).

I would like to hear your opinions, Im glad I could take all this out on here, puts so much weight out of my back. Thank you guys.

 

[UsualMood]

This was not a good post so I deleted it neither was it suitable for a forum like this. Nobody at any stage should be encouraged to consume this new age poison.

Yes I cannot stay away from it 1 and a half year now. Its just that I have realised I have come a really long way from being a totally different person. Even the progress I made during this time, the abstinence however small it was compared to other people, for the situation and enviroment I grew up and still live into, its a miracle.

Having said this, Ive forgiven myself for the relapses not only pornwise but food, studies and whatever because in the big picture I wasnt even meant to have come this far.

Thats why I dont really care about progressing anymore. I stop forcing things. Everytime I did , I ended up way worse than before. I am grateful for who I am at any given moment.

 

[UsualMood]

Today I start a new reboot I will keep you guys updated. Masturbation is not my problem although I will give it a period 1 month or twi to kickstart the reboot.

Something happened today that was more than enough to give me a solid reason to begin again. Several things I've actually observed in the past week since I started using again but today was special. Hopefully it progresses and I will be more than happy to write about it in details later on.

So glad to be back on it again.

 

[UsualMood]

Almost completed the first week of my new reboot. Didnt intend to write a post so soon but at this point I will use it as an outlet as I am literally losing my shit and dont have anyone else to speak to.

The symptoms, which pushed me back to using porn again have resurfaced once again. Out of the blue social anxiety has hit an all time high, confidence is nowhere to be found, feeling like a loser most of the time, I am self aware of my speaking, my actions, everything. The only place where I seem to find a bit of solace is in the gym but once I get back in my car to leave, the loser comes back.

Discipline. My efforts of not watching porn have vaccumed whatever willpower I had in me. I eat a lot, retain water I screw the body I have been building the whole summer. I dont have the same drive to workout as hard, which is natural of course because in my experience it is directly linked to the outlet of sexual energy and the pleasure from it.

To be honest I dont give much fucks if my life goes to shit because sooner or later I have to go through this otherwise I will have to live the rest of my life deprived from inner dignity and peace of mind. Which, right now looks much wiser than "doing this to myself". Yet when I tried it, in the end it was just an illusion to avoid my pain and discomfort.

For the time being I might stop living by my values because I clearly cannot live up to them at the moment and that just adds more to my confusion and self loathing. People see someone successful with a muscular and strong body when I see a piece of shit who cannot look himself in the mirror. I will just observe how it goes. In a few weeks the seminars begin so I hope this gives me energy and life since I am at an age that no way in hell should I remain still and do nothing like right now since its summer fucking holidays.

Beyond that, switched back to cold water for showers.

 

[Stiffy]

Hey UsualMood.

I just read through your entire journal. I can tell you are going through a lot of pain and turmoil. I too deal with A LOT of negative self-talk, self-loathing, etc. I know what its like to have that voice in your head constantly telling you that you aren?t good enough, that you don?t deserve a good life, you should just stop trying and so on. It is terrible. Learning to love yourself seems to be the challenge of life for a lot of people. I think if one can do that it would solve many many problems. I am still trying to figure it out but I believe I am starting to make progress after my toughest year yet.

Self-care man. It is difficult. I know what it?s like to not have the motivation to leave your bed, shower, take care of yourself or even eat. You just can not give up. This life is capable of giving us happiness and joy. Just don?t give up.

If you are spiritual, pray. If you aren?t, start meditating. Find something to calm and silence that voice in your head telling you that you are a piece of shit. Cause you are not. I can tell by reading your journal that at your core you are a good person. You will find yourself.

Do you have any hobbies aside from the gym? Do you read? Anything?

 

[UsualMood]

I read books, yes. I get my kicks from my electric guitar, listening to music, many, many genres from metal to tribal to house when I tan. Hey also tanning has been my other hobby all summer lol  ;D I mean I never recognized it as a hobby but I guess when you do that over an hour per day and enjoy it, it might be one haha. When I heard of cold showers I was like no way fk that haha why would anybody do that and now it has been one of my hobbies as well. Get pumped and jump into an ice cold shower not only grants you instant happiness but does miracles for your health as well. Now I am currently doing seminars until I ( hopefully ) get employed by December.

 

[UsualMood]

I slept at noon today after 3 days clean. I dreamt of disgusting fetishes, woke up with raging lust and relapsed. I jumped on the reboot train once again but forgot I had such demons to overcome. I need to get through this, this is my objective for the days to come. I will be writing these down in my journal so that I can target of each obstacle. I read in an addiction article that If you can realise your triggers / specific danger points and write them down you can realise / target your weakness or triggers even.