DeltaFosAware
Active Member
Just masturbated for the first time in many weeks. No PMO, which kind of is not the issue, or at least the issue I have pretty much licked but odd how what led me to having that one off the wrist quickly combined with old fantasies.
Now, maybe I should just have avoided anything that will cause this sort of masturbation but here's something I learned from on here. You may recognise the feeling. It starts as boredom, then it becomes restlessness, then distraction and then having been on social media, watched TV, read a bit, written a few things, you find yourself drawn to content that although not 'sexual' always pushed those early buttons. The example I won't be specific about referenced something very EARLY in my sexual experience, going back to early teens. As I say not imagery, not pictures, moving images or even erotic words, but something with a degree of 'perversity' involved. Nothing that would have anybody trawling my history with my ISP, stuff you would not even clear from your history but something with a magnetic link to the distant past! Think of it like a tree root, deep beneath the foundation of a solid, secure, brightly lit, building ... Even the plaster is not cracked. The inhabitants are happy, the days pass in light and joy but the 'root' just stays there in the background. Like all roots it needs moisture to survive and suddenly the little down pour of simple boredom gives it just a taste of what it savoured before when it was part of a MASSIVE tree, in full leaf, with branches extending into the night sky.
Now think about this with me a bit longer if you will please. If you see it as Religious, you could see it as the 'root of sin.' If you see it in more useful psychological terms you could see it as still unmet personal insecurity. The brick building is the sustainable self. It's doing well, it's roof is solid, it's timbers well embedded, and it's walls welcome and shelter, rather than shut out the very life it needs to be a dwelling. Yet this pesky root could still threaten the foundation!
Will it ALWAYS be there....We've agreed that the 'seen' can not be 'unseen' but, although this does not lead me into a guilt fest, an I'm useless slope, a denial of my right to live, it does make ask that question...Will I always be a 'repaired' person, never an unblemished one? Now you can take that onto a spiritual level and of course I can accept the remission of my own sins. I don't see a God who wants to punish be but one who wants to help me...I don't see him as saying to me 'we'll with that root there the building will fall' but more in terms of helping me just further rob the root of moisture.
It's like a skid is a skid in the car but over reaction on the brakes just makes it worse. Steering into it, lining the wheels up and proper braking prevent the skid becoming a full blown road traffic collision. So I've corrected my skid, understood that really I should just avoid these roads and mainly take another route at this time of the year!
I don't know if this makes sense to you good people. I certainly do not end my day thinking 'I'm hopeless, I must PMO, I have to do it because I am so useless, so guilty, so weak but maybe that initial trigger did just PROVE that feelings built up over possibly 35 plus years, don't just disappear! We may have resected the tumour, had the chemo, taken the Meds and followed the path but there remains that GENETIC pre-disposition to the illness for the rest of my mortal life!
Now, maybe I should just have avoided anything that will cause this sort of masturbation but here's something I learned from on here. You may recognise the feeling. It starts as boredom, then it becomes restlessness, then distraction and then having been on social media, watched TV, read a bit, written a few things, you find yourself drawn to content that although not 'sexual' always pushed those early buttons. The example I won't be specific about referenced something very EARLY in my sexual experience, going back to early teens. As I say not imagery, not pictures, moving images or even erotic words, but something with a degree of 'perversity' involved. Nothing that would have anybody trawling my history with my ISP, stuff you would not even clear from your history but something with a magnetic link to the distant past! Think of it like a tree root, deep beneath the foundation of a solid, secure, brightly lit, building ... Even the plaster is not cracked. The inhabitants are happy, the days pass in light and joy but the 'root' just stays there in the background. Like all roots it needs moisture to survive and suddenly the little down pour of simple boredom gives it just a taste of what it savoured before when it was part of a MASSIVE tree, in full leaf, with branches extending into the night sky.
Now think about this with me a bit longer if you will please. If you see it as Religious, you could see it as the 'root of sin.' If you see it in more useful psychological terms you could see it as still unmet personal insecurity. The brick building is the sustainable self. It's doing well, it's roof is solid, it's timbers well embedded, and it's walls welcome and shelter, rather than shut out the very life it needs to be a dwelling. Yet this pesky root could still threaten the foundation!
Will it ALWAYS be there....We've agreed that the 'seen' can not be 'unseen' but, although this does not lead me into a guilt fest, an I'm useless slope, a denial of my right to live, it does make ask that question...Will I always be a 'repaired' person, never an unblemished one? Now you can take that onto a spiritual level and of course I can accept the remission of my own sins. I don't see a God who wants to punish be but one who wants to help me...I don't see him as saying to me 'we'll with that root there the building will fall' but more in terms of helping me just further rob the root of moisture.
It's like a skid is a skid in the car but over reaction on the brakes just makes it worse. Steering into it, lining the wheels up and proper braking prevent the skid becoming a full blown road traffic collision. So I've corrected my skid, understood that really I should just avoid these roads and mainly take another route at this time of the year!
I don't know if this makes sense to you good people. I certainly do not end my day thinking 'I'm hopeless, I must PMO, I have to do it because I am so useless, so guilty, so weak but maybe that initial trigger did just PROVE that feelings built up over possibly 35 plus years, don't just disappear! We may have resected the tumour, had the chemo, taken the Meds and followed the path but there remains that GENETIC pre-disposition to the illness for the rest of my mortal life!
