foreverbroken
New Member
I was regularly on this forum a couple years ago (couldnt remember my old username so i made a new one) and the support, comraderie and understanding was unbelieveable. I do believe it helped me through a very hard time. Sorry this ended up being so long and ramblely.
However, during the last couple years ive found out some things, but i still cant get back to myself.
I found out that E (bf) wasnt actually "addicted" to porn. We had very emotional and deep convos about his previous relationship, and i found out it was THE most dysfunctional thing ive ever heard. Mainly due to him being very anxious and depressed with no self esteem and her being a diagnosed narcissist. Ill spare the details, but the sex details are important. She would not, ever let him have sex or touch her. He could only touch himself while *looking* at her (with her eyes shut tight, telling him to hurry up.)
Sounds terrible right? Who in their right mind would stay in something like that. Well, he did. For 10+ years. Eventually he turned to porn, instead of his ex. Understandably. By the end of it, he ended up with (intensifying his already present) sex anxiety, and using porn, in a habitual way, not addicting way
Cue me. I come into the situation. We fall in love and he leaves her. However he was very ashamed and embarrassed about his past so he never told me about it. Our sex life was mishap after mishap. He could not keep an erection. He hid his shame of it and his past by blaming me. "Do this" "dont do that" "if you were more aggressive" "go slower" the list goes on. So i started feeling anxious myself, and very insecure.
Then came the porn. Specifically and exclusively Teen porn
Thats all he watched. Hes 44 and im 42. This particular category ATE at me after i found out. I honestly believe if it wasnt this category, i would have handled it better. But i told him porn, especually teen porn, has zero place in my relationship and if he didnt agree, theres the door. We stayed together, but still with his anxieties and not able to have sex
So now its a couple years later. He found it easy to stay away from porn, all porn. Because he wasnt even truly addicted, just used out of habit. He refuses to own any electronics. Will not touch my phone unless im right beside him and the kicker....doesnt masturbate. Refuses to. He did have death grip when we first got together and stopping masturbating was one of our ways of helping him get used to someone else touching him. Years later, he still wont do it.
So everything has been going perfectly. Hes been absolutely amazing and understanding about my anxiety and frustrations and especially my pretty much ptsd symptoms after finding out about his porn. Hes been absoltuley vigilant in being transparent and reassuring me.
So......WTF? What is wrong with me. I STILL cant get over it. I STILL do ridiculous things because im still comparing my aging body to younger one. Ive gone for consultations for the infamous labiaplasty. Daily I use a cream thats banned and controversial because it causes cancer, to lighten a part on me that think should look a ceetain way. But i still do it. I panic when out. Even just by myself. Thinking.....oh god, if he was with me and saw her
..or....nope cant def not go here with him because theres too much to look at. I am STILL so disgusted with myself.
I went for a few therapy sessions. Read a ton of self help books. But its like, my brain refuses to get over the hurt i felt. My logical brain says "he only did it out of habit. If your sex life was ok this probably wouldnt be an issue. Look at him, hes absolutely devoted to you and tells you how beautiful you are EVERYDAY! Stop being so selfish and let him and yourself be happy and finally leave the past in the past." But then what do i do. Still, years later, i pull up the videos hed watch and compare myself. I seek other "teen" images, just to feel bad about myself. I go to sites where i freakin *know* guys are crazy insane about younger girls (reddit) and still assume my bf is too. Why do i do this? Why cant i be normal? Why cant i just let this go?!
However, during the last couple years ive found out some things, but i still cant get back to myself.
I found out that E (bf) wasnt actually "addicted" to porn. We had very emotional and deep convos about his previous relationship, and i found out it was THE most dysfunctional thing ive ever heard. Mainly due to him being very anxious and depressed with no self esteem and her being a diagnosed narcissist. Ill spare the details, but the sex details are important. She would not, ever let him have sex or touch her. He could only touch himself while *looking* at her (with her eyes shut tight, telling him to hurry up.)
Sounds terrible right? Who in their right mind would stay in something like that. Well, he did. For 10+ years. Eventually he turned to porn, instead of his ex. Understandably. By the end of it, he ended up with (intensifying his already present) sex anxiety, and using porn, in a habitual way, not addicting way
Cue me. I come into the situation. We fall in love and he leaves her. However he was very ashamed and embarrassed about his past so he never told me about it. Our sex life was mishap after mishap. He could not keep an erection. He hid his shame of it and his past by blaming me. "Do this" "dont do that" "if you were more aggressive" "go slower" the list goes on. So i started feeling anxious myself, and very insecure.
Then came the porn. Specifically and exclusively Teen porn
Thats all he watched. Hes 44 and im 42. This particular category ATE at me after i found out. I honestly believe if it wasnt this category, i would have handled it better. But i told him porn, especually teen porn, has zero place in my relationship and if he didnt agree, theres the door. We stayed together, but still with his anxieties and not able to have sex
So now its a couple years later. He found it easy to stay away from porn, all porn. Because he wasnt even truly addicted, just used out of habit. He refuses to own any electronics. Will not touch my phone unless im right beside him and the kicker....doesnt masturbate. Refuses to. He did have death grip when we first got together and stopping masturbating was one of our ways of helping him get used to someone else touching him. Years later, he still wont do it.
So everything has been going perfectly. Hes been absolutely amazing and understanding about my anxiety and frustrations and especially my pretty much ptsd symptoms after finding out about his porn. Hes been absoltuley vigilant in being transparent and reassuring me.
So......WTF? What is wrong with me. I STILL cant get over it. I STILL do ridiculous things because im still comparing my aging body to younger one. Ive gone for consultations for the infamous labiaplasty. Daily I use a cream thats banned and controversial because it causes cancer, to lighten a part on me that think should look a ceetain way. But i still do it. I panic when out. Even just by myself. Thinking.....oh god, if he was with me and saw her
..or....nope cant def not go here with him because theres too much to look at. I am STILL so disgusted with myself.
I went for a few therapy sessions. Read a ton of self help books. But its like, my brain refuses to get over the hurt i felt. My logical brain says "he only did it out of habit. If your sex life was ok this probably wouldnt be an issue. Look at him, hes absolutely devoted to you and tells you how beautiful you are EVERYDAY! Stop being so selfish and let him and yourself be happy and finally leave the past in the past." But then what do i do. Still, years later, i pull up the videos hed watch and compare myself. I seek other "teen" images, just to feel bad about myself. I go to sites where i freakin *know* guys are crazy insane about younger girls (reddit) and still assume my bf is too. Why do i do this? Why cant i be normal? Why cant i just let this go?!