It's been 42 days now. I started the addiction around 12 years old, it's impossible to sure. It was around puberty... so my whole life. I look back on those lost decades and am somewhat grateful that I still have what I assume is a numbed emotional framework. Because If I had the full range I think I fall to my knees and not stop crying for weeks. The crushing regret I feel may be coming at some point in the not too distant future is kinda terrifying, not something I look forward to having to deal with. I see it as an inevitability, because after 42 days I see the changes. The desire to converse with people in an unforced way being the one I can hardly believe. I have been a lifelong introvert- totally unwilling and completely unable to be around others. Now it's becoming a desire. A sense of time and place is more subtle but pretty amazing nonetheless. I feel present in the moments of the day. Not normal at all for me. I don't have the ability to feel it (yet)- but if I could I would feel Joy at what I have finally been able to experience... the road to a life I prayed was waiting for me if I could only claw my way out of the pit I banished myself to so many years ago. But I come back to that nagging fear if I allow myself to spend too much time focusing on the benefits of my recovery. I may be too dramatic in saying this- but I think there is an emotional bill that is going to have to be payed when I have the "cash" to pay it. One thing I can happily (I think I can be happy these days) say is I am pretty sure I can deal with the possible regret that's coming because it's born out of a beautiful new life I'm building.
I am obviously focused on my emotional life. I dropped trying to have a sex life over ten years ago after failing at a relationship again because I could not care less about anything. That desire and confidence will emerge- it's just after so damn long it really does become extremely easy not to think about it... plus... what forum am I on!?! I HAD MY PORN. Anyway. I needed to get some of this off my chest. This is a journal or something. I'm just writing for myself- but curious if this rings even a little bit true for others. Either way- I'm glad this forum is here and that I'm not alone in the shit.
I am obviously focused on my emotional life. I dropped trying to have a sex life over ten years ago after failing at a relationship again because I could not care less about anything. That desire and confidence will emerge- it's just after so damn long it really does become extremely easy not to think about it... plus... what forum am I on!?! I HAD MY PORN. Anyway. I needed to get some of this off my chest. This is a journal or something. I'm just writing for myself- but curious if this rings even a little bit true for others. Either way- I'm glad this forum is here and that I'm not alone in the shit.