no sex, no touching....nothing
- Thread starter brokensoul
- Start date
mousemat1
Well-Known Member
Hi brokensoul
I pleased you've decided to end this abusive relationship. From what you've written it sounds terrible and no person should have to endure that kind of behaviour.
As a footnote, if I were you, I would also have a period of introspection now. You need to understand why you allowed this situation to go on for so long. What kept you there? You might say because you love him, but from what you've written there doesn't seem to be anything in the person that someone could love. You need some time to understand why you thought his behaviour was worth persevering with for so long. Hopefully, you can identify the reasons you stuck with this guy and avoid other abusive relationships.
Good luck and I hope you find someone who can meet your need and provide you with the kind of loving relationship it sound like you need.
I pleased you've decided to end this abusive relationship. From what you've written it sounds terrible and no person should have to endure that kind of behaviour.
As a footnote, if I were you, I would also have a period of introspection now. You need to understand why you allowed this situation to go on for so long. What kept you there? You might say because you love him, but from what you've written there doesn't seem to be anything in the person that someone could love. You need some time to understand why you thought his behaviour was worth persevering with for so long. Hopefully, you can identify the reasons you stuck with this guy and avoid other abusive relationships.
Good luck and I hope you find someone who can meet your need and provide you with the kind of loving relationship it sound like you need.
H
HumbleRich
Guest
Broken Soul, forgive me for over reaching if I am, but from the way you talk it doesn't sound like you are moving on. I may be misinterpreting what I see, but why on earth would you still be clinging to this detestable man child? It seems like you are emotionally on the fence, even if you habe decided to end the relationship, rightfully. This foncerns me because this man sounds like a narcissist. You MUST remove a toxic narcissist from your life completely. They don't change. They don't care to change. They will suck the life from you for as long as you let them. It is very unhealthy if you can't toss him over the ledge and move on. That means, on some level , his manipulation and brainwashing are still working. If this were just a simple case of a porn addict I wouldn't say anything, but it isn't. This is a toxic narcissist. You need to cut him out of your life (which you have) and stop thinking about him. It is time to move on.
Rich
Rich
bob
Respected Member
Rich,
I think she has made the decision to move on. Blocking him from connecting shows this.
However, the pain of a ended relationship always hurts, no matter the toxicity. When you spend time with someone, and that ends, one always grieves. It may be for the best (and I believe it is) but the pain is still real.
Broken, have faith that it will get better. You have many here pulling for you.
I think she has made the decision to move on. Blocking him from connecting shows this.
However, the pain of a ended relationship always hurts, no matter the toxicity. When you spend time with someone, and that ends, one always grieves. It may be for the best (and I believe it is) but the pain is still real.
Broken, have faith that it will get better. You have many here pulling for you.
brokensoul
Member
HumbleRich is right. I have unblocked him and yes he has brain washed me in many ways. I see it clearer every day. There is absolutely nothing to miss and yet I wait for his calls and text. I realize all his insulting one liners are porn clip headings. This is the most abusive, bizarre relationship I've ever experienced in my entire life. Putting the pieces together I'm starting to see things he insisted I overlook. Long curly hair on the passenger's side seat of his car..."just my mothers"....His mother is Chinese and has short straight hair. Sitting in his room every day off for the entire day..."watching anemia". Disappearing overnight after shaving his entire body, "to help a friend in China town"...after saying "if I'm going to go fuck somebody I shave my entire body".....but all of a sudden after not shaving for months he said "I just wanted to feel clean"....the mind games. I'm determined to get to the truth. My background is in Investigations. The guy has been screaming "I'm not a liar" the entire relationship, trying to beat it into my head but everything I've put together paints a different picture. I'm aware that while he was not in a relationship he was shaving just his genital area which I've read is to get suction from his sex toy I found, along with half a gallon of pump, personal lubricant. His entire life is surrounded with porn. He hates women. Saying they all need to be raped & beaten. He was unable to totally control me and I'm sure that was the major part of his frustration and calling me a slut, cum bucket & whore pretty much every day. He was trying to beat me down and condition me and I'm pretty sure he has done that in every relationship. Implying that his view of women was from working as a bartender in nightclubs...10 years ago. He had forced me into such isolation that it felt weird to go out alone. All his references were to porn, strippers or prostitutes. I guess I'm trying to make some sense of it all while trying to put myself back together. My friend who is a psychiatric evaluator for the New York City prison system had quite a bit of insight on him.
brokensoul
Member
He said only women that have something to hide. Once again trying to defend myself I unblocked him. But to my defense I have been sending him a sht load of anti porn and scientific info on all of it. Since he said "knowledge is power". I rendered him powerless and played him at his own game. Needless to say he calls and text me less than ever. I've not folded once and he is tiring. Actually stated I've never had anyone confront me like you have". Also known as I've never had anyone I couldn't beat down. Now when he calls and I point stuff out he hangs up. Someone needs to make him face his own shit. So I am. His last declaration of "Only whores & sluts go out to pick up people" had me like...."No, that's how people meet....they leave the house and meet each other. That's called relationships. They don't sit in a back room fking a rubber can to countless video's that mental illness. Going out is normal, you're sick, unstable and delusional".....he didn't like that at all. I can't help but see some of this is resonating with him because on other conversations he'll bring it up.
mousemat1
Well-Known Member
Forgive me brokensoul because I obviously don't know either of you nor every detail of your interactions, but from what you've written he's still in control. He's got you doing exactly what he wanted, unblocking him.
Of course, you're an adult and can make your own decisions. However, I just have one question. Why do you keep going back to him?
I wish you luck with your relationship with him and hope things change for you.
Of course, you're an adult and can make your own decisions. However, I just have one question. Why do you keep going back to him?
I wish you luck with your relationship with him and hope things change for you.
brokensoul
Member
I haven't seen him at all. He merely exists. he calls me on his way home from work sometimes. He has become a total recluse. I'm sure he's totally aware of the loser he is as he has reiterated to me many of the things I have brought up to him. He has nothing because he is a troll and has pretty much removed himself from any normal behavior. Having no friends or even family anywhere close to him. He will feel the world he's created in his hole, it's inevitable. I have only pitty for him at this point.
Brokensoul, I do hope you will be careful in the way you approach this. I understand you reasons for wanting the truth after years of being gaslit and tormented by his behaviour, but he sounds like he could genuinely be dangerous in the right circumstances. Even if you dug up a whole lot of dirt on him that proved all his lies, I don't think you would ever get a satisfying admission or acknowledgement from him if you confronted him with it. Even in the face of huge evidence, he will find a way to launch another attack on you that will probably cause you more trauma - and possibly physical harm. I really think you should way up the wisdom of giving any more of your time and energy to this creep. He's cost you a lot already. Sometimes the best revenge is to move on and don't look back. He is a lost cause. Be safe, M.
brokensoul
Member
Texts have gone back and forth and I've lost my attachment with him. In meeting new guys I've constantly come across guys defending porn. It's like they're girl at home just waiting for them. I've met 5 guys in the past 2 weeks....all the same at the core. All use porn and defend it. Is this all we have left to choose from? I hate porn. It has robbed me of years of natural bonding and created PTSD for me. I'm still not sleeping and am crying off and on throughout every day. I have noticed with the porn movement that these men have lost the ability to connect on the deepest emotional levels that bond people together. I miss the lovers of the late 80's & early 90's. Porn used to be something only "creepy" dudes sought after. Normal guys went out in pursuit of women. One of the guys I met on a dating site said..."I'm just lonely so I watch a lot of porn".....WTF!! Read a book, go out to an event. Now these guys don't even leave their home....like my ex who is gorgeous. Sits at home during what should be the best years of his life, starring at a box fucking a rubber can & watching strangers engaging in sex acts. Sick AF!! What have we become??? I wear my Porn Kills Love shirt...in every color almost every day as a "stay tf away from me". I DO NOT WANT ONE OF THESE GUYS AGAIN
H
HumbleRich
Guest
Hi Broken Soul,
Please take care of yourself in this time. I do feel like I can relate a bit to your shock. As I have attempted to get to the bottom of my addictions, I have been forced into a dark place, capitalism's dark underbelly. I don't mean to shift the subject into anti-capitalism, but believe me, in researching addiction you do get there. What could push the son of an extremly successful businessman and CEO towards socialism? Understanding how addiction is heavily used to make money in business. My Dad worked for technology companies, but even they are not wholely innocent. They do use marketing techniques that make use of addiction somewhat. But look at the biggest selling products. Porn is one of the biggest. Yes most porn is free now, provided on name brand websites that provide it for free. How are those companies making money? Well, off of advertising mainly, and by providing information from viewers directly to advertisers. Just like Google and Facebook. Also, if a porn addict starts to get interested in a particular porn star, their website will have a paywall. I personally have never spent money on porn. But that is how it is done and that is how porn addicts pay for porn, even if they don't pay for it directly. But business is all about getting people hooked. There is a reason everything at the grocery store has sugar in it. To get us to buy more sugar. Addictive products are a main stay in the economy. Even a pair of sneakers is sold partially by addictive models.
What is the point of all the above? To get you to see that yes, it can look awfully hopeless out there. On the surface it looks like everyone is hooked on everything, but dig a bit deeper and you will find lots of people fighting the status quo. There are lots of books talking about how bad sugar is for us. There are lots of books talking about porn and porn addiction. So yes, if you look hard enough you will find a man who does not use porn. Maybe an ex porn addict who is committed to never going back. You never know.
Personally, after a few reboot attempts, and six days into this reboot, I can tell you that I have begun to notice the ubiquity of using sex to sell products, and how often women are dressed down in media, and it has started to get to me. It annoys me more often than it attracts me now. And we recovering addicts can eventually learn to find it insulting. Why would the makers of Game of Thrones think we want to.see boobs rather than learn more about the character? Why does Netflix feel that they can just add a supermodel to a show, who lacks any skill in relating to what the cast members do, just for ratings? Why do they think they can do that? My point is that we do wake up during the rebooting process. We get unplugged you could say.
I am.going to stop talking now. Best wishes as you continue this journey.
Rich
Please take care of yourself in this time. I do feel like I can relate a bit to your shock. As I have attempted to get to the bottom of my addictions, I have been forced into a dark place, capitalism's dark underbelly. I don't mean to shift the subject into anti-capitalism, but believe me, in researching addiction you do get there. What could push the son of an extremly successful businessman and CEO towards socialism? Understanding how addiction is heavily used to make money in business. My Dad worked for technology companies, but even they are not wholely innocent. They do use marketing techniques that make use of addiction somewhat. But look at the biggest selling products. Porn is one of the biggest. Yes most porn is free now, provided on name brand websites that provide it for free. How are those companies making money? Well, off of advertising mainly, and by providing information from viewers directly to advertisers. Just like Google and Facebook. Also, if a porn addict starts to get interested in a particular porn star, their website will have a paywall. I personally have never spent money on porn. But that is how it is done and that is how porn addicts pay for porn, even if they don't pay for it directly. But business is all about getting people hooked. There is a reason everything at the grocery store has sugar in it. To get us to buy more sugar. Addictive products are a main stay in the economy. Even a pair of sneakers is sold partially by addictive models.
What is the point of all the above? To get you to see that yes, it can look awfully hopeless out there. On the surface it looks like everyone is hooked on everything, but dig a bit deeper and you will find lots of people fighting the status quo. There are lots of books talking about how bad sugar is for us. There are lots of books talking about porn and porn addiction. So yes, if you look hard enough you will find a man who does not use porn. Maybe an ex porn addict who is committed to never going back. You never know.
Personally, after a few reboot attempts, and six days into this reboot, I can tell you that I have begun to notice the ubiquity of using sex to sell products, and how often women are dressed down in media, and it has started to get to me. It annoys me more often than it attracts me now. And we recovering addicts can eventually learn to find it insulting. Why would the makers of Game of Thrones think we want to.see boobs rather than learn more about the character? Why does Netflix feel that they can just add a supermodel to a show, who lacks any skill in relating to what the cast members do, just for ratings? Why do they think they can do that? My point is that we do wake up during the rebooting process. We get unplugged you could say.
I am.going to stop talking now. Best wishes as you continue this journey.
Rich
brokensoul
Member
Yes HumbleRich there needs to be a dating app for NON PORN users. It's so prevelant anymore like listening to the news. It has killed the sensual connect between 2 people. My ex's idea of foreplay was with himself. He didn't know how to touch me, but would touch himself just prior to our encounter. Yes, women are "used" to attract everything. There always seems to be a naked woman walking around in every fkn movie, even pg. I'm sick of the sexless over sexualization that is thrown in our face every fkn where we go....yes, I have potty mouth. This has all been extreamly frustrating. Most of all everywhere I go guys approach me and I can't meet a good one.....Lost in Texas
Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
Brokensoul, I?m glad you?re moving on from this guy. He didn?t show any intention of quitting nor did he see any need to. It was either a case of accepting it or moving o, which you have done.
I?d honestly give up dating guys or actively trying to meet a new partner for at lease six months or maybe a year. The last thing you need right now is to pinball from one relationship with a porn addict to another. You?re far better off developing your own interests or doing something you?ve always wanted to but didn?t have the time. Learning a language, taking a dance class, taking up sculpture or photography, anything you want. You really need some time to heal and recover emotionally.
I don?t know what I?d do about meeting someone now. I certainly wouldn?t want a relationship with a porn user. I think I?d rather stay single than go through all that porn crap again. I?d definitely want someone I could share my interests with. Relationship recovery after porn addiction is hard work and my own personal recovery is even harder because there?s no set path to follow. We really are the first generation to be ?partners of porn addicts? and I?m having to improvise my own recovery process. If my relationship ended tomorrow I?d still need to work on my recovery.
Take your time, heal from your experience. The right man will appear when you?re ready.
I?d honestly give up dating guys or actively trying to meet a new partner for at lease six months or maybe a year. The last thing you need right now is to pinball from one relationship with a porn addict to another. You?re far better off developing your own interests or doing something you?ve always wanted to but didn?t have the time. Learning a language, taking a dance class, taking up sculpture or photography, anything you want. You really need some time to heal and recover emotionally.
I don?t know what I?d do about meeting someone now. I certainly wouldn?t want a relationship with a porn user. I think I?d rather stay single than go through all that porn crap again. I?d definitely want someone I could share my interests with. Relationship recovery after porn addiction is hard work and my own personal recovery is even harder because there?s no set path to follow. We really are the first generation to be ?partners of porn addicts? and I?m having to improvise my own recovery process. If my relationship ended tomorrow I?d still need to work on my recovery.
Take your time, heal from your experience. The right man will appear when you?re ready.
brokensoul
Member
I am doing my utmost best to recover. This entire generation is permeated with porn. They have no idea how fulfilling a true, full, physical connection can be. I am doing what I love but still feel the pain throughout a 24 hour period constantly. I am still waking up in the middle of the night panicking. I love to mountain bike, to fish, paint, hike, rock climb.....and I am pretty much doing everything alone. It so saddens me that a man instead of engaging with a remarkable woman and thriving in a relationship of caring & nurturing would rather sit in front of a screen and fk himself for HOURS and I mean all day long almost every available moment to images. WTF!!!! I am completely sick and I mean physically sick because of the impact this has all had on my life. They are literally in love, (lust) with this shit to the point that they lose ALL capability to engage in anything normal. I mean all 3 relationships with this "kind" of man they didn't even care for their animals, house, attire or even bathe. It is the sickest form of addiction I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing. My brother died of AIDS as an addict and honestly he was in better mental condition than some of these porn addicts. They cannot even look at women like human beings out in a public place. It literally devours their mind and yet they love it. I have seen a smoker quit tobacco after 20 years of smoking easier. Can they not see their very own lives being consumed by this shit?? Losing days, months, years with it? Like zombies to their dick? The sheer excitement of random sex in the shower, car, around the house with your partner is totally replaced with a screen and you become invisible. I was totally ignored sexually not even kissed. He could not look me in the eye. He literally chose porn over me. As of right now he's most likely sitting in his room with personal lubricant, personal wipes, a towel and a flesh light and he will be there his entire day off....wasting his life....THIS IS BEYOND SICK and yet becoming more and more "socially acceptable". What will the next generation look like?
BKM
Active Member
I admire your intensity and hatred of porn and the sexualization of our society. I think it is awesome that you have investigated your situation so deeply and have tried to show your ex what you have found. But I can tell you he will do what he wants, you need to give up on him. You can't change him he can only change himself. He will probably resist more the more you throw at him. All you can do is hope he sees what is going on and come to the realization of what he is doing and what he has lost or missing out on.
It sounds like he's got some massive porn fog going on, reading through all this post I'm just shouting at the screen "f##king leave him already". It's quite painful reading. You need to forget about him block him whatever you can do, he is in your head.
There are porn free guys out there, have faith.
It sounds like he's got some massive porn fog going on, reading through all this post I'm just shouting at the screen "f##king leave him already". It's quite painful reading. You need to forget about him block him whatever you can do, he is in your head.
There are porn free guys out there, have faith.