Hi there,
I'm a 30yo old man with a long history of PMOing. I believe I began watching porn when I was 12-13 years old, so that makes it about 18 years. I've known about the bad effects of porn and compulsive masturbation for several years, but have only once made a serious effort at quitting. Lasted about three weeks. That was several years ago. I've made many half-hearted attempts after that, mostly not making it more than a week. Lately I have experienced something of a wakeup call, as I have found myself jacking off to some pretty extreme fetish stuff, the kind that makes me feel sick afterward, and which does not at all fall in line with my sexuality. Girls with dicks and that sort of thing. As a result, I have once again become very much aware of how strongly I'm addicted and how far I have deviated from someone who has a healthy, happy and normal sex life. I want to fix my brain. I want to have a genuine sexual interest towards normal women again, something I have been completely devoid of for so long that I hardly can remember what it feels like.
On top of the fetish stuff, I have pretty much all the usual problems that come with being strongly addicted to PMO. I'm generally shy, insecure and unassertive around people, especially women. I struggle with depressive episodes, am generally lazy, easily irritated and in a bad mood. My mind is "cloudy" much of the time. I lack self-dicipline in general. I often start things that I never finish. I remember a time when I wasn't like this. A time when I was lively, confident, assertive and easily approachable. I want to experience that liveliness again, without a PMO-induced cloud numbing my emotions and senses.
Despite being 30, my experience with women is quite modest. I'm not entirely inexperienced with women, but I have not really ever been in a serious relationship in my life. It's been several years since I have been even to a date, not to mention having any sort of sexual or romantic affair with a girl that wasn't someone on the computer screen. I won't go deeply into the reasons behind this here, possibly later I will, but suffice it to say that I have my demons of the past to deal with. I don't trust other people in general, have difficulty opening up to others and while I have no trouble communicating with other people at work for instance, I struggle to form deeper relationships with them. I want to turn things around here. I want to start seeing women again. I want to reconnect with my old friends. I want to rip down the wall I have built around myself during all these years. I sincerely hope that quitting PMO will at least help me in this effort.
And then there is alcohol. Oh, how I just love drinking alcohol. Almost every weekend I drink (not socially, but mostly alone at home, except for some special occasions), not to the point where I'm totally wasted, but enough to completely destroy any traces of self-dicipline for the next couple of days. Of the many times I have tried quitting PMO, I've lost count how many have failed due to me succumbing to my desires on a day after drinking. Well, I guess I'm just gonna drop the booze right here along with the PMO. I mean what could go wrong? I guess we'll see (3 weeks sober right now btw, an achievement by my standards!). I started drinking when I was in my teens. During those years I drank socially, to have fun with my friends like most other people do. During my 20's, something changed. Drinking became a form of escape for me. Escape from all kinds of negative emotional states, escape from all kinds of insecurities, escape from all kinds of challenges that life happened to throw my way. No more. That shit needs to stop, completely. I've decided to quit drinking altogether, not even a drop, not even at social settings.
So, in a nutshell, my goals are:
-To cease PMO, completely and absolutely. First milestone will be at 1 month. Then 3. Then 6. Then a full year. I will make it this time.
-To quit drinking, completely and absolutely.
-To take back control of my emotions, of my thoughts and actions. I want to feel confident, assertive and in control. I want to build mental fortitude.
-To start rebuilding my social life. Start casually conversing with women in everyday life, to make myself more comfortable with them. Start dating when I feel I'm ready.
Phew, that turned out longer than I expected. Well, I think that's everything for now. I will be checking back every now and then and intend to update at least once weekly. If I relapse, I will make an update and then immediately start anew. Keeping a public journal of this sort is not something I'm accustomed to, but hopefully it will help me in my process of healing. At least it gives me the sense that I'm now accountable to more than just myself, as I have stated these goals of mine here publicly.
Ok, that's it, till my next update! Day 1 begins now.
I'm a 30yo old man with a long history of PMOing. I believe I began watching porn when I was 12-13 years old, so that makes it about 18 years. I've known about the bad effects of porn and compulsive masturbation for several years, but have only once made a serious effort at quitting. Lasted about three weeks. That was several years ago. I've made many half-hearted attempts after that, mostly not making it more than a week. Lately I have experienced something of a wakeup call, as I have found myself jacking off to some pretty extreme fetish stuff, the kind that makes me feel sick afterward, and which does not at all fall in line with my sexuality. Girls with dicks and that sort of thing. As a result, I have once again become very much aware of how strongly I'm addicted and how far I have deviated from someone who has a healthy, happy and normal sex life. I want to fix my brain. I want to have a genuine sexual interest towards normal women again, something I have been completely devoid of for so long that I hardly can remember what it feels like.
On top of the fetish stuff, I have pretty much all the usual problems that come with being strongly addicted to PMO. I'm generally shy, insecure and unassertive around people, especially women. I struggle with depressive episodes, am generally lazy, easily irritated and in a bad mood. My mind is "cloudy" much of the time. I lack self-dicipline in general. I often start things that I never finish. I remember a time when I wasn't like this. A time when I was lively, confident, assertive and easily approachable. I want to experience that liveliness again, without a PMO-induced cloud numbing my emotions and senses.
Despite being 30, my experience with women is quite modest. I'm not entirely inexperienced with women, but I have not really ever been in a serious relationship in my life. It's been several years since I have been even to a date, not to mention having any sort of sexual or romantic affair with a girl that wasn't someone on the computer screen. I won't go deeply into the reasons behind this here, possibly later I will, but suffice it to say that I have my demons of the past to deal with. I don't trust other people in general, have difficulty opening up to others and while I have no trouble communicating with other people at work for instance, I struggle to form deeper relationships with them. I want to turn things around here. I want to start seeing women again. I want to reconnect with my old friends. I want to rip down the wall I have built around myself during all these years. I sincerely hope that quitting PMO will at least help me in this effort.
And then there is alcohol. Oh, how I just love drinking alcohol. Almost every weekend I drink (not socially, but mostly alone at home, except for some special occasions), not to the point where I'm totally wasted, but enough to completely destroy any traces of self-dicipline for the next couple of days. Of the many times I have tried quitting PMO, I've lost count how many have failed due to me succumbing to my desires on a day after drinking. Well, I guess I'm just gonna drop the booze right here along with the PMO. I mean what could go wrong? I guess we'll see (3 weeks sober right now btw, an achievement by my standards!). I started drinking when I was in my teens. During those years I drank socially, to have fun with my friends like most other people do. During my 20's, something changed. Drinking became a form of escape for me. Escape from all kinds of negative emotional states, escape from all kinds of insecurities, escape from all kinds of challenges that life happened to throw my way. No more. That shit needs to stop, completely. I've decided to quit drinking altogether, not even a drop, not even at social settings.
So, in a nutshell, my goals are:
-To cease PMO, completely and absolutely. First milestone will be at 1 month. Then 3. Then 6. Then a full year. I will make it this time.
-To quit drinking, completely and absolutely.
-To take back control of my emotions, of my thoughts and actions. I want to feel confident, assertive and in control. I want to build mental fortitude.
-To start rebuilding my social life. Start casually conversing with women in everyday life, to make myself more comfortable with them. Start dating when I feel I'm ready.
Phew, that turned out longer than I expected. Well, I think that's everything for now. I will be checking back every now and then and intend to update at least once weekly. If I relapse, I will make an update and then immediately start anew. Keeping a public journal of this sort is not something I'm accustomed to, but hopefully it will help me in my process of healing. At least it gives me the sense that I'm now accountable to more than just myself, as I have stated these goals of mine here publicly.
Ok, that's it, till my next update! Day 1 begins now.