Yearning for Stillness

[uncreatedlight]

Day 25 of no P, no M, no O.  Vacation was a welcome distraction.  The separation from my wife and discussion of financial and custody terms has dredged up many unpleasant emotions and excited my anxiety.  I'm trying not to let this affect my equanimity and recovery.

I was flipping through the Sirius channels today and noticed a Vivid channel.  I stopped on it for a second and left pretty quickly once I realized what it was.  It could have started a cycle.

 

[bob]

I was flipping through the Sirius channels today and noticed a Vivid channel.  I stopped on it for a second and left pretty quickly once I realized what it was.  It could have started a cycle.

Smart move. That always throws me for a bit of a loop.

Click
What is this?
Oh, shit, get me out of here
Click off

Peace

 

[uncreatedlight]

Day 30.  It should feel like a victory, but I am all over the map emotionally.  Mourning my lost wife and my children.  My youngest (3) keeps referring to "his mom's house."  I feel a trenchant sense of loss every time he says it.

My erratic and self-indulgent behavior has finally caught up with me.  The wages of sin are death.  Pain is weakness leaving the body, they say.  May God grant me the grace to make something of this pain.

To all of you brothers out there who are fighting a spiritual battle, I am thinking of you today.  You can do it.

 

[uncreatedlight]

Day 32 of no masturbation, no orgasm, no porn.  My urges seem to be coming and going still, but more than anything a lot of emotions are coming to the surface.  Emptiness, irritation, rage, mourning, remembrances of childhood trauma and social anxiety.

I've been lashing out at the people around me, which is only more isolating.  I'm trying to slow it down.

I keep thinking about the future.  Will I be alone forever?  Is my wife dating someone new?  How are my kids doing now that school is starting again?  Will there be enough money in a separation to make ends meet?  How will I pay for the kids to go to college?

I know that these repetitive worries can trigger a backslide, so I'm working on returning to my breath and mindfulness, on feeling the sensations of grief in my body, in letting the pain arise without trying to stymie it.

 

[bob]

Day 32 of no masturbation, no orgasm, no porn.

This should be commended. This is no easy task. Particularly when you are deep into this crap.

My urges seem to be coming and going still, but more than anything a lot of emotions are coming to the surface.  Emptiness, irritation, rage, mourning, remembrances of childhood trauma and social anxiety.

And I understand the hurt. It seems insurmountable at times. Like a soft comforter that initially feels thick and comfortable but eventually cuts off all feelings, smothering one and not allow them to breathe. My heart is with you.

Peace

 

[uncreatedlight]

Thanks, Bob.  I know you are in for longer than I have been without M.  Has it gotten any easier for you?  Sometimes I wish I could meet you all face to face.  It is good to know you are out there.

It is a wild ride.  The stories here encourage me that it is worth it.

 

[bob]

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it is getting any easier...

When I first started, I didn't think it was possible to go more than 48 hours without m. Now I am able to do it but it still seems to weight on my mind. Honestly, I think depression, and lack of things to combat that issue are greater concerns now, i.e. eating right, exercise, and mindfulness.

All I know is I can't go back to how I was at any cost. Just can't do it. To much at stake. Wish that made it easier but it doesn't.

Sorry I sound so down at the moment. Had a really bad morning dealing with things.

Peace.

 

[uncreatedlight]

Yeah, the pull is still strong here.  I take SAM-e, exercise three times a week, and try to spend time among people.  Sorry about your morning.  Feelings are temporary.  It will pass!

 

[bob]

Thanks

I did exercise this morning. Hope to have that develop into a new habit.

Peace

 

[uncreatedlight]

Day 34 of a hard reboot.  I feel like I am in a pre-orgasmic narcotic haze.  The urges are tugging at me, and it is hard to concentrate.  I know that my second wind is coming.  I keep telling myself:

1) These feelings are temporary.
2) Just when it feels hardest, victory is near.
3) God never gives me more than I can bear.
4) Slow down and allow myself to feel the urges.

I'm going to meditate and pray in a bit.  I know that I am vulnerable this evening.

 

[bob]

Will continue to think about you this evening. Expecting a positive report tomorrow.

Your doing great.

Peace

 

[uncreatedlight]

I meditated, said a prayer, and went for a walk.  It was intense.  Cravings have dropped from 9/10 to 3/10.  They are still there, but the intensity is blunted.  Yesterday felt unbearable, but I made it through it.

I have a bunch of kids, and I kept having memories of my wife during intense contractions.  I remember guttural moans and anguished squeals while she gripped my hand, pressing into my palm until it hurt.  There was nothing I could do but just sit with her through the pain.  I have no idea what childbirth is like, but I had that sense of wishing someone were there with me while I breathed through the urges.

I know you guys were with me in spirit, and I know God was there too.  I made it.  I hope that doesn't happen again any time soon.  I'm used to a dull, continuous discomfort, but this was something else.

 

[uncreatedlight]

Today is day 35.  By God's grace, I am still making it.  I haven't been this long without an orgasm for 30 years.  One day at a time...

 

[bob]

We are proud of you. It is those times that test our resolve.

Keep it up.

Peace

 

[Broadfield78]

Keep going, you have done so well. The longest you have ever abstained, say that again to yourself - the longest you have ever abstained? That?s amazing isn?t it? And too much of an achievement to throw it away. Keep going we all read these blogs and all will each other to succeed

 

[uncreatedlight]

Thanks, Bob and Broadfield.  Day by day, I feel that my perception is starting to be cleansed.  Logic that seemed irrefutable before now seems ridiculous.  This seems like an unexpectedly difficult period.  I guess that urges and withdrawal come in waves.

I am eagerly awaiting the flatline and am thankful for now that I am feeling what Bob referred to as a "weight" rather than something more like intense pain. 

This board reminds me a little of this: http://www.wbur.org/kindworld/2017/10/10/kind-world-46-into-the-sea  A chain of people saved the lost from drowning.  I'm grateful for you guys.

 

[uncreatedlight]

Day 39.  Crashed headlong into a few days of anger and depression.  My wife has been bringing over stray possessions that were missed during the original transfer, removing her calendar access from me, and withdrawing cash from the bank.  I had to work out a full accounting of our assets and budgets, which was quite the forensic expedition.

The surge of grief from this loss plus the cravings for release have plunged me into blank tension.  I can feel myself sinking into dysfunctional thinking, such as catastrophizing and all-or-nothing thinking.  I know that somehow there will be enough money and that my life won't always be this way.  I know that everything is impermanent, but it is hard to say goodbye to the people we love.

Sometimes random sexual or pornographic thoughts have been arising in my mind.  I let them subside and don't follow them.  My penis feels slightly swollen and itchy.  Younger me would definitely have had a wet dream by this point.  Things change!

 

[bob]

So sorry for your time and current solution.

It is so true (at least for me) that the old habit of porn seems to be my first thought of self medication. I don't dwell on it but it is there.

Peace to you and your future health

 

[uncreatedlight]

Day 40.  Still swimming.  Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.

 

[bob]

Still swimming.

The positive is you aren't drowning. Your SWIMMING!!!

I know it is difficult. When others continue, it makes it easier for me to continue.

Peace