TurningTheCorner
Member
Hello All,
I've tried to quit porn before, but keep relapsing. I feel a journal and some measure of accountability is the next logical step.
Here's my story:
I'm 33 years old. I started masturbating when I was 16 or so. I didn't use pornography at first. I'd buy movies that I knew contained nudity. I also had printed images from bikini magazines. Eventually I just downloaded these clips from movies directly from the internet and accumulated folders of these celebrity photos and clips.
By the time I was 19 or 20 I probably had a few porn clips and my collection grew from there.
For the next 8-9 years I probably masturbated once a day to porn or some video clip. I would regularly download porn and save these videos in sorted folders on my hard drive.
Around age 28 I tried dating for the very first time and lost my virginity to a sweet girl I met on OKCupid. We started a relationship and I stopped using porn for a while. Eventually our desire to tear into each other decreased a little and I went back to using porn. We sometimes used it together.
In the last 2 years or so I began to understand that porn use is not healthy and was harming my relationship, my drive in life and my will power. It was affecting my brain. I tried quitting several times with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I'd last a few days and sometimes a few weeks or maybe even a month. During this time my fiancee (OKCupid girl turned into my life partner) and I still had sex and I found myself asking for blowjobs quite often. In retrospect, I think the blowjobs were my way of replacing porn.
Anyway, let's fast forward to today: My fiancee and I ended our relationship of 5 years about 3 days ago. It was a mutual split, but it still hurts very much. We still live together for now, but in separate bedrooms. It's hard walking away from what we had. We had many plans for the future. We planned on getting married, moving to Tennessee and starting a big family. We had already named our kids, etc, etc.
So I'm now starting over with my life in a sense. I realize I need to be a better man. I need to conquer my bad habits and build more value so that I can attract another mate and eventually realize my dreams of having a loving wife and a family.
Pornography use is one of the bad habits that absolutely needs to go. Thus starts my journal.
I'm calling my journal "Bringing the Elephant to Heel" because of a book I read about how people are of two minds: the rider (the logical side of your brain that knows what's best in the long run) and the elephant (the emotional side of your brain that wants instant gratification). To beat porn, I'll need to bring the emotional/instant gratification part of my brain to heel.
I used pornography when I woke up this morning because I rationalized that it would help me subdue the feelings of loss and the strong desire I have to get my ex back. When I use pornography, it dampens my sense of loss for a while.
However, it's still a destructive habit I need to kick. I'll need to combat my desire to get my ex back using different methods. Porn is not the answer. I have to quit porn once and for all. I have to.
If anyone has questions or comments or feedback, please do post. I could certainly use the support, accountability, advice and socialization right now. Tough times are ahead, but I'm betting on myself being strong enough to bear the pain and finally turn the corner.
I've tried to quit porn before, but keep relapsing. I feel a journal and some measure of accountability is the next logical step.
Here's my story:
I'm 33 years old. I started masturbating when I was 16 or so. I didn't use pornography at first. I'd buy movies that I knew contained nudity. I also had printed images from bikini magazines. Eventually I just downloaded these clips from movies directly from the internet and accumulated folders of these celebrity photos and clips.
By the time I was 19 or 20 I probably had a few porn clips and my collection grew from there.
For the next 8-9 years I probably masturbated once a day to porn or some video clip. I would regularly download porn and save these videos in sorted folders on my hard drive.
Around age 28 I tried dating for the very first time and lost my virginity to a sweet girl I met on OKCupid. We started a relationship and I stopped using porn for a while. Eventually our desire to tear into each other decreased a little and I went back to using porn. We sometimes used it together.
In the last 2 years or so I began to understand that porn use is not healthy and was harming my relationship, my drive in life and my will power. It was affecting my brain. I tried quitting several times with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I'd last a few days and sometimes a few weeks or maybe even a month. During this time my fiancee (OKCupid girl turned into my life partner) and I still had sex and I found myself asking for blowjobs quite often. In retrospect, I think the blowjobs were my way of replacing porn.
Anyway, let's fast forward to today: My fiancee and I ended our relationship of 5 years about 3 days ago. It was a mutual split, but it still hurts very much. We still live together for now, but in separate bedrooms. It's hard walking away from what we had. We had many plans for the future. We planned on getting married, moving to Tennessee and starting a big family. We had already named our kids, etc, etc.
So I'm now starting over with my life in a sense. I realize I need to be a better man. I need to conquer my bad habits and build more value so that I can attract another mate and eventually realize my dreams of having a loving wife and a family.
Pornography use is one of the bad habits that absolutely needs to go. Thus starts my journal.
I'm calling my journal "Bringing the Elephant to Heel" because of a book I read about how people are of two minds: the rider (the logical side of your brain that knows what's best in the long run) and the elephant (the emotional side of your brain that wants instant gratification). To beat porn, I'll need to bring the emotional/instant gratification part of my brain to heel.
I used pornography when I woke up this morning because I rationalized that it would help me subdue the feelings of loss and the strong desire I have to get my ex back. When I use pornography, it dampens my sense of loss for a while.
However, it's still a destructive habit I need to kick. I'll need to combat my desire to get my ex back using different methods. Porn is not the answer. I have to quit porn once and for all. I have to.
If anyone has questions or comments or feedback, please do post. I could certainly use the support, accountability, advice and socialization right now. Tough times are ahead, but I'm betting on myself being strong enough to bear the pain and finally turn the corner.