Day 90
Relapses 3
It feels amazing to be free of porn. Yesterday was my 3 month anniversary of no porn. I have been felling great, I no longer feel those massive urges to watch porn, I mean I do get them once in a while but they are not massive they are just mild and I feel totally in control. I have noticed that I feel urges only when I feel pretty bad about some part of my life like: gym soreness, sickness, very stressed, feeling hungry, missing sleep, or some strong negative emotion. So it is not really a desire to watch porn but instead a desire to escape those unwanted feelings, but if you can focus on the moment and embrace your situation then you can feel positive about a crappy situation and the desire to escape it will go away.
For about a month I started to go to a psychologist specialized in sexuality. She explained a lot of things and made me realize a lot of important aspects of my sexual education, experience, and life. Things such as not being present in the moment and be thinking about stuff while trying to have sex can affect your performance and pleasure during sex. Emotional blockages can also affect you a lot during sex. Being aware of what were the core beliefs thought to you when you were a kid is very important. Sometimes we do not realize that some of those beliefs affect us a lot, specially if you grew up like me in a family where sex was not talked about and it was considered taboo or a shameful practice. You think you grow up not caring about those things but the truth is more complicated. We actually grow up believing those things until we analyze them and embrace them and change our beliefs purposefully.
In the last post I mentioned I started to use a flesh-light to masturbate and gain my sensitivity back during sex, because I kind of lost it to due to masturbating aggressively for a long period of time (years). Flesh-lights actually mimic a real vagina so your penis starts to "learn" a new way to feel pleasure, however you have to make sure not to watch porn, because that also affects you so much. I know this movement does not approve of masturbation, however I think it is good to identify and be honest on what is your purpose for quitting porn.
In my case I wanted to be able to have sex without ED problems. If that is the case then training your penis to regain sensitivity is a good approach, and masturbating with a flesh-light is something that worked for me. I am not saying you have to do it like I did, but this is what worked for me. I can masturbate and not be tempted into watching porn. Yesterday I had the most amazing sex I have ever had in my life. I only started having sex until around a year ago, before that I had never had a sexual experience, and I am proud to say that yesterday I was able to have great sex.
Could it be a coincidence that I was able to do it only after taking the time to solve the problem through different techniques? I do not think so, I think it was the fact that I decided to fix my problem. At the beginning of this journey I decided to quit porn many times, I am talking about 2 years ago. I would try to quit but after a few days or weeks I would relapse again. I would get discouraged but I would try it again and then relapse again. This probably happened more than 20 times, so the relapse count in the post it not really accurate, I did not keep count at the beginning so I don't even know the exact count. Mentioning this I remember a very profound video from RSD Tyler where he mentions that it is the process of loosing and finding yourself that you truly gain wisdom and perspective and become capable of changing your life. So do not get discouraged, part of the experience is relapsing. As they say, you only learn from your mistakes. I can say that after 2 years I feel amazing, and even if I relapse some time in the future I know I will shake it off and try it again, it will only make me stronger.
