My story and 90 day nofap journal. Male 30 Years Old from London, England

[Megatronz]

Read your journal and can relate a lot to the evolution from pornstars to amateurs and the infinite stash. I also know how you feel when saying you couldn't delete it, because I made the exact same mistake at the beginning:

Day 0 - Consolidated my stash and made it very very difficult for me to access it. Couldn't bring myself to delete any of it.  :'(

You made it difficult to access to, but your addicted brain still holds on to the thought that one day you can go back. Because you already miss porn and you miss the dopamine high. Throughout the journey of abstaining from porn you may experience horrible cravings and withdrawals and at some point you will go back if you keep that backdoor open. User William, who wrote an incredibly helpful thread (http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0) called it the alcoholic who keeps a bottle in the house 'just in case'.

We are here because we are addicts, we will never be able to just get a controlled dose of porn, but as soon as we enter the binge, we will binge for hours. Therefore we have to gain a perspective of completely letting go of porn in all its varieties forever which includes to delete the whole stash. When I first did it, a few days later I tried to recover everything with a data recovery software. Thousands of files and thousands of hours of work couldn't be lost! Well, in reality the only thing I lost were the thousands of hours I spent in front of the computer watching porn and colleting this shit!

I can just recommend the thread above as it helped me a lot and I wish I would have read it earlier to avoid mistakes. Just believe me if I give you the advice of completely deleting EVERYTHING you saved. Search a free software called "WipeFile", install it, select the whole folder(s) and delete it by NATO standard (overwriting files 7 times) so you won't be able to recover it. Let the software do the work and leave your house to distract yourself while the safe deleting is in progress.

I wish you all the best on your journey and hope you don't get this advice wrong, it's just that I recognized my own thinking that lead to relapses at the beginning and hope you might avoid them! 

Glad you could relate! Thanks for sharing the links, I'll take a look through. I just couldn't bring myself to delete it. That collection took YEARS to build and some of it isn't stuff that you can find freely again on the internet today. Unfortunately, yes, I do have an attachment to it. It sounds really shallow and weird but until my brain has proof that I can be attractive / get with similar girls in real life I don't like the idea of losing the ones I have stored if that makes sense? I do realise how odd that sounds haha.

I'm hoping I'll get to a point one day in like 10 years time where I'll be so content with life I can just be like, "Hah, I don't need this anymore" and wipe it all. I guess I also kept it with the idea that I might revisit it again in 40-50 years when I'm an elderly man (and say my wife has passed) to relive my youth. I think if I deleted it now, like you, I'd be scrambling for the recovery software and get myself into a really bad place. It's really not in easy reach place for me so I would have to get myself very very worked up to even bother trying to get access to it.

 

[Megatronz]

Day 12 Continued

I picked up my ex girlfriend from the airport in the evening. She's been travelling for 3 months and I semi-ended the relationship just before she left so that I could 'work on myself' i.e. quit porn, go to the gym, sort out my career etc.

I told her about my nofap progress of 12 days and she respected that. I did get to hug her briefly while she was naked and got semi-erect without any stimulation but I didn't want to push any further than that... I didn't want to break my streak to be honest.

Day 13

My mood and energy are okay today (not good, not bad). My thinking is still pretty clear but I feel like I'm merely existing today. The good news is if I think about porn/sex I don't have any urges. I think I'm officially flat lining! :-\

**Update*** Dammit in a moment of weakness at work I started browsing triggers for about 5 minutes straight. My brain immediately LIT UP and suddenly I was several sites deep. Thankfully I stopped myself and it didn't go any further but now I'm disappointed in myself for doing so. I will be strong for the rest of the day.

 

[Megatronz]

Like you say, it's pretty much a vanity project and if girls are judging you on the basis of that, then do you really want someone like that as your partner anyway?

Nope! Maybe I need to get out more and/or meet more quality people but I really struggle to find any girls under 30 who don't have social media accounts and use them in that way.

Saw this video the other day I felt which sums up the problem humanity faces with Instagram quite nicely: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPV_iwsjq80

P.s. I watched Noah Church. The dude seems so focused and present in his videos.

 

[malando]

Day 12 Continued

I picked up my ex girlfriend from the airport in the evening. She's been travelling for 3 months and I semi-ended the relationship just before she left so that I could 'work on myself' i.e. quit porn, go to the gym, sort out my career etc.

I told her about my nofap progress of 12 days and she respected that. I did get to hug her briefly while she was naked and got semi-erect without any stimulation but I didn't want to push any further than that... I didn't want to break my streak to be honest.

Dude, that doesn't even make sense. How does she come to be naked in front of you?

[quote author=Megatronz] Glad you could relate! Thanks for sharing the links, I'll take a look through. I just couldn't bring myself to delete it. That collection took YEARS to build and some of it isn't stuff that you can find freely again on the internet today. Unfortunately, yes, I do have an attachment to it. It sounds really shallow and weird but until my brain has proof that I can be attractive / get with similar girls in real life I don't like the idea of losing the ones I have stored if that makes sense? I do realise how odd that sounds haha.

I'm hoping I'll get to a point one day in like 10 years time where I'll be so content with life I can just be like, "Hah, I don't need this anymore" and wipe it all. I guess I also kept it with the idea that I might revisit it again in 40-50 years when I'm an elderly man (and say my wife has passed) to relive my youth. I think if I deleted it now, like you, I'd be scrambling for the recovery software and get myself into a really bad place. It's really not in easy reach place for me so I would have to get myself very very worked up to even bother trying to get access to it.
[/quote]

I'm sorry to say this, but you're not ready to give up porn. You've got an escape route stored on your hard drive. You'll know when you're really ready to kick this thing when you delete everything. I remember when I deleted my stash. I thought it would be hard or I might regret it, but when I realised I was really ready, it was easy. It felt good to wipe it out of my life.

 

[Megatronz]

Dude, that doesn't even make sense. How does she come to be naked in front of you?

She had to undress to take a shower and I was in her room. It wasn't a foreplay thing.

I'm sorry to say this, but you're not ready to give up porn. You've got an escape route stored on your hard drive. You'll know when you're really ready to kick this thing when you delete everything. I remember when I deleted my stash. I thought it would be hard or I might regret it, but when I realised I was really ready, it was easy. It felt good to wipe it out of my life.

Agree to a point but I haven't looked at the stash since it's stored offsite. To get at it would involve a considerable degree of forward planning to get to it and by that point I'd likely have talked myself out of it.

 

[Megatronz]

Day 14 Woohoo can't believe I made it this far! Had another great dream about sex with a real-life girl this morning. It was really vivid! Ready to take on the weekend!  8)

*Update*

I went out with a friend in the evening to a gallery and my head was held high. I felt at peace with the world. It felt like everyone was looking at me... girls seeking eye contact and guys noticing me and sizing me up. Interestingly my mind was also quiet from the negative, judgemental voices I sometimes get about people. I felt like if there was fight somewhere I'd probably step in and be the one calming people down and encouraging them to just chill.

 

[Megatronz]

Day 15 No real urges to PMO. Pretty much the same clear headspace as yesterday. Met with my ex again. After 15 days no porn I felt like I saw her with fresh eyes. I could look at her in the eyes with much more intensity and focus. We got into some very heavy petting (I got her off in record time ;D) but no sex or MO. Although it went unused my erection did seem firmer than normal and, interestingly, red hot in temperature.

Day 16 I watched this video today where a nofap guy interviews a therapist who seems to suggest most porn addiction he has seen in men is the result of trying to escape emotional pain. He also gives some guidance on how to combat it. Good watch!
https://youtu.be/8zhPwROcbnU

 

[Megatronz]

Day 17 Ugh, today was a tough one. 3 late nights in a row over the weekend left me feeling pretty tired / irritable today. At work I had a headache in the morning and was generally very achy / fatigued during the day. Feels like I might be developing influenza. Not sure if this is a nofap symptom or just generally being run-down.

During the day and evening all I was thinking about was how to make myself feel better and then go to sleep. Naturally this would have been PMO and then an early-night. Instead I napped for a bit then woke up to do some chores. Toughest day I can remember for quite a while!

Stay strong people!!  ;D

 

[the_terrible_one]

Well done on getting through another day Mega. I thought I was having the flu thing a few days ago, it is that time of year I guess but hopefully it'll just pass. Possibly another sneaky brain trick...? 'Nap over fap' all day buddy!!! ;D Anyway, keep on trucking...!

 

[Megatronz]

Well done on getting through another day Mega. I thought I was having the flu thing a few days ago, it is that time of year I guess but hopefully it'll just pass. Possibly another sneaky brain trick...? 'Nap over fap' all day buddy!!! ;D Anyway, keep on trucking...!

Thankfully it wasn't the flu! Hell yeah, 'Nap over fap'!

 

[Megatronz]

Day 18 Not much to report really. Not fapping is becoming the new normal. I went out with a friend for dinner and I was surprised at how witty I can be with words. I definitely seem to be funnier and more at ease in social situations.

 

[Megatronz]

Day 19 Wow. Horrible, horrible day today. Urges all the time.

A stressful event in the morning before work combined with tiredness from the late night before meant I was yawning my head off at work and didn't really want to be there but I powered through.

Later in the evening I had a call with a girl I've been seeing on/off for about 4 years. I have developed very strong feelings for her but due to my own failure in the past to understand what I wanted, set boundaries / generally commit she's been living and working abroad for the past 2.5 years. More recently I really wanted to give it a go but she threw a bit of a spanner in the works to my plan today which really hit me like a bomb. Long story short it left me upset and seeking comfort.

As a knee-jerk distraction I booted up tinder and started swiping. Some of those images in girls profiles were practically triggers. THANKFULLY I didn't act on them. Now I'm just keeping myself busy but feeling crappy. I've realised I just need to have a better coping strategy for stress / emotionally challenging states of mind.

 

[Moth-head]

Hey Megatronz, I was looking for some motivation after a crack or two started to appear in my defenses. I found your story helpful. The story in your first post could have literally been mine, I can remember pretty much all the same stages right down to waiting for ages for pixilated images to grow clear on the old dial-up.

Keep fighting it back on a daily, if not hourly basis. It does get easier. I have just gone past  months. I still have bad days and bad moments, such as the one that brought me to your post, but the longer I go the more I fell I have to lose by relapsing. My life has improved so much since I got off the porn. I really hope you have the same experience. It is not a day and night thing, but if I look back I can see the incremental improvements that add up to something quite substantial.

Stay strong.

 

[Megatronz]

Hey Megatronz, I was looking for some motivation after a crack or two started to appear in my defenses. I found your story helpful. The story in your first post could have literally been mine, I can remember pretty much all the same stages right down to waiting for ages for pixilated images to grow clear on the old dial-up.

Keep fighting it back on a daily, if not hourly basis. It does get easier. I have just gone past  months. I still have bad days and bad moments, such as the one that brought me to your post, but the longer I go the more I fell I have to lose by relapsing. My life has improved so much since I got off the porn. I really hope you have the same experience. It is not a day and night thing, but if I look back I can see the incremental improvements that add up to something quite substantial.

Stay strong.

Hey, thanks for reading man! Glad you got yourself clean and you found this thread motivating...

Um, don't read my next post...

 

[Megatronz]

Day 20 Oh sh*t f**K  :-\. So, the good news first. There was no MO but the bad news is there was about 30 minutes of browsing triggers which ended up in some porn for 5 minutes.

My day started okay. I was a bit down from my intense emotional event yesterday and my ex wasn't super engaging over text today. The end result was that by the evening I was feeling a little unwanted and had concern that all my future potential relationships were evaporating before my eyes.

I have the day off work tomorrow so I turned on my PC to start the downloads of a self help video series I intend to watch tomorrow. Now I don't know why but while I was managing the downloads and waiting I started browsing a facebook album on my feed containing of alot of triggers. Somehow this escalated into to me checking a forum I previously used to find porn set (in my head) "just to see what was new.". It's quite amazing how easily this slipped past my rational mind. I had a look at a few threads and saw photo sets I'd not seen before and my eyes lit up. At this point I really, really felt the urge to fap badly. I sat at my desk with one hand over my face and the other on my mouse for a good 2 minutes and contemplated my next move (audibly making those whining sounds you make when you really want to do something but aren't allowed). Thankfully rationality prevailed and I figured I wasn't going to waste 20 days clean for this because I knew I'd feel like shit afterwards. FUCK YOU PORN.

I think I really have to kill-off my facebook or at least unfollow things / friends that are likely to trigger me.

Signing off for the evening. Stay strong people.

 

[Moth-head]

Hey, man, I can sympathise, having nearly gone through the same thing myself. On the positive side you resisted the urge to fap while directly confronting porn. That is a tough thing to do, and being able to realise what you are doing and turn away from it is a huge battle won. I beat back my demons from the other day and feel much better for it. Do what I did, put it behind you and look at it as a voctory over porn. The temptations won't go away, but your resolve will get stronger.

 

[Megatronz]

Ok, some of you may have noticed by absence from the forum this weekend. After my brush with porn on Thursday and the following day being spent at home I relapsed pretty badly on Friday (day 21) and continued on a binge for most of the weekend... The full works, PM and O. . I'm very very disappointed in myself. I didn't go after my own stash but quickly found some new material online. Ugh, so frustrating and totally not worth it.

As the weekend draws to a close now my head is now in the same place it was before I started. I'm getting tired mid-way through the day, I have brain fog and a overhanging feeling of shame and disappointment in myself which of course feels awful which leads to more PMO.

I can't let this drag me down and keep me down again. If you're reading and getting the urges please stay strong. It's not worth it. Gonna have to look my ex in the eye next week and tell her I failed. I was so looking forward to having sex with her in my more present state where I was slowly regaining my erection quality.