38 Days Tonight with No Porn

[BKM]

For me I couldn't have rebooted without support. I was full on into my addiction when my wife caught me watching porn, so I had never tried to quit on my own before, or never even realised I had an issue. So I am proud that you guys can get there more or less on your own

One big thing I get when reading about your relapse is why you had access to porn in the first place. I would put software on all your devices and lock them up good, get your wife to password it, if she's willing to, or get a close friend you can confide in to control you online behavior.

Also you spoke about MO but you couldn't do it without fantasizing. If you are fantasizing about porn or porn-subs then it's still PMO. The same neural pathways are still being triggered, it's kind of cheating the reboot system.

90 days is just a number, there is no biological reason that you will be fixed after 90 days. Some guys it's sooner but most it's longer, when you get to 90 you won't be suddenly free. Porn will challenge your sobriety for a very long time. I am more than 2 years sober but every now and again i get triggered by something, but I have much better control now, I have learnt coping skills, got hobbies and have a life to lead, porn was taking my family away, my time, my energy, my mind.

This is your first relapse, isn't it? Don't be hard on yourself, 51 days is great. You now need to look at why you relapsed and put things in place that will prevent it from happening next time round, you may relapse in a different way for different reasons next time, eventually you will get to know all you triggers and issues and be able to stay sober. It does get easier the longer you stay sober, and the intimacy with your wife will get better. I can't say how much as me and my wife are still working on that area but things are definitely getting better.

 

[bob]

You speak words of wisdom. I hope we all can glean positive vibes from your thoughts and comments.

 

[jthomas]

Hey folks, it's been a while since I've posted.  After my initial 60 days of no porn, I went thru a relapse that lasted 3-4 days. Here's where I am today 1 month following the relapse.  No porn (caveat below) and I reduced my average MO from 3x per week to once every 10 days.  I'm coming to terms with how essential the increased discipline is because  I still have trouble with PIED when I'm with my wife. 

The last few days have been murder.  Last night I slipped and downloaded one of my old favorite videos.  Watching even a few seconds was like being lifted from suffocation to being granted all the air I need.  It was deceptive euphoria.  Something interesting happened though. I was able to stop watching the video before there was any nudity.  Just a few minutes of watching the provocative posing lifted the pressure enough I was able to find my strength.  I deleted the video and was able to go to bed with no MO. I even slept ok.

While I stopped the video before there was nudity, I know it was still artificial stimulation and wrong.  I know I can't use this strategy of peeking as a means of managing the sometimes brutal emotional and physical challenges of the reboot process, but I'm wondering if my being satisfied with no nudity and OK with no MO represents progress.  I'm hopping it does.  Again, I'm not looking to justify slipping, just hoping to interpret my abstinence from MO after the slip as an indication of progress.  24 hrs later and I still feel more in control than I did before the slip. 

In the past few weeks, I've watched several video by Mark Queppet a.k.a www.universalman.com (what an articulate motivator) and just started reading his "The Reboot Regiman" guide.  Very insightful. An excellent read to help find and develop your inner discipline.  I  highly recommend it.

Thanks for any thoughts.

J.

 

[jthomas]

Day 8 hard mode.  The past 3 months with several week long spans of no porn but there had been a few relapses and reduced MO but still at least once or twice a week.  General anxiety had gotten pretty bad.  The last relapse ending 9 days ago. Watching porn was both thrilling and felt like emotional suicide at the same time.  I felt extreme euphoria and on the verge of an actual anxiety attack. These are very rare for me. Time to go hard mode. Time to face this head on.

I told my wife I felt the 90 day hard was the only option for me now.  We don't openly discuss my porn use, but she's a smart woman and is just giving me the courtesy of not making me say it.  She's grateful I'm taking more drastic measures to heal myself. 

Physical/emotional discomfort, worst at night, but manageable.  Some advice that's helping is not relying just on will power, but just accepting/experiencing the discomfort as a necessary part of the path to success.  At least the MO chasers have settled down.  I'm hoping my past 3 months of reduced PMO will help me get thru the next 3 without.

My anxiety has been down and I'm finding it easier to make eye contact with anyone I meet.  I use my internal and external voice (when alone) to coach my thoughts away from unhealthy/unproductive subjects and reaffirm goals.  I am afraid of what's ahead but reminding myself potentially profound positive life changes are ahead if I stay on track. 

Other aspects of my life are already in place such as career and social and I'm stepping up my exercise frequency as a necessary part of this process.  I know this isn't just stopping PMO, it's building healthier lifestyle overall and filling the porn void with more worthwhile and rewarding interests. 

J.

 

[jthomas]

Day 10 hard mode.  Despite the persistent discomfort down south, I've slept better than usual the last few nights. maybe due to reduced anxiety or just cutting out MO has made for a more peaceful routine before bed.  Anyone else had the same experience?  Sleeping any better at night as an upside to our daytime battle within?

J.

 

[Rex]

Day 10 hard mode.  Despite the persistent discomfort down south, I've slept better than usual the last few nights. maybe due to reduced anxiety or just cutting out MO has made for a more peaceful routine before bed.  Anyone else had the same experience?  Sleeping any better at night as an upside to our daytime battle within?

J.

It's very hard the "no PMO" route at first but it gets easier as time goes by.  In my experience going cold turkey on PMO is the only way to break free from porn.  The M or MO always leads back to P.  Congrats on reaching day 10, that's awesome.  You are doing great, keep up the great work!

 

[jthomas]

Thank you Rex.  One MO on day 11 due to overwhelming cravings, but back on track since.  Day 16 today.  Stress is a big trigger.  Two weeks with only 1 MO for me is an accomplishment.  Trying for at least another two weeks to make it a month with only 1 MO. Still going for the hard 90, but my focus is on the shorter term for sanity reasons. As you and others have mentioned,  it's the hardest at first, but gets easier over time.

This is a nagging challenge for sure.  The cravings insert in thoughts throughout the day but are the strongest at night.  Trying to put more energy in more worthwhile activities.  I'm still sleeping notably better despite the cravings while awake.
Thanks again for your supporting words.

 

[jthomas]

Hey folks, I have some good news to share.  Day 32 of no PMO and only 1 MO about 3 weeks ago. I was able to make love to my wife. 

For the first time in years, I as able to finish what we started.  For the first time in memory, my arousal and orgasm were focused only on her and not on fantasy.  We both felt it was a fulfilling and beautiful expression of love.

I have a long way to go before I feel whole again sexually and I still fight the unhealthy cravings, but they aren't as strong and don't have the same hold on me they did a month ago.    To say it's been a challenging journey is to put it mildly, but I feel very fortunate to start seeing positive results.  My goal is profound positive change in my life and this recent success with my wife is evidence that change is coming as long as I stay the course. 

J.

 

[jthomas]

43 days in hard mode. On the verge of relapse.  Toes on the edge of the proverbial cliff. Been a very stressful/exhausting work week.  couldn't sleep last night, the cravings to view porn were so bad.  My emotional side has been relentless the last few days, the rational side is almost giving in. Thanks for any words of encouragement.

J.

 

[Rex]

43 days in hard mode. On the verge of relapse.  Toes on the edge of the proverbial cliff. Been a very stressful/exhausting work week.  couldn't sleep last night, the cravings to view porn were so bad.  My emotional side has been relentless the last few days, the rational side is almost giving in. Thanks for any words of encouragement.

J.

jthomas,

Hang in there you can do it.  Remember no matter how bad the urges get, they will pass.  It's going to get easier as the more days pass by.  When those urges hit hard, pray and also try to remain busy to keep your mind focused on something constructive.  I'll pray for you.

Keep up the great work your doing great!
 

 

[jthomas]

6 weeks in relapse.  Anxiety is almost unmanageable. Looking for strength to start the 90 day hard mode again.  Made it 43 days first/last attempt.  Need to find more discipline for the exercise/meditation this time. 

 

[J01]

Hi!  Looking forward to hearing about your next long streak.  Starting back up again is the right move-you know from past experience that when you are clean the anxiety is lessened.  Get going again and the stability will return.  You have done awesome in the past-don't be too hard on yourself right now.  It is worth it !

 

[jthomas]

Thanks to everyone for the positive responses.  I'm currently at day 31 no porn.  I think I've MO'd once in the past 3 weeks which is huge improvement for me.  I feel like I'm becoming a veteran of sorts with repeated runs at the 90 day plan, but have yet to make it the first 2 months.  My driving reality is that going back to porn will always result in crippling social anxiety for me. 

A month ago I had to leave a store in a quiet hurry for no reason other than my social anxiety was taking over me.  The only problem was in my head.  When I let the emotional porn craving side of my brain have it's way, the rational positive side of my brain can only handle it for so many weeks before the internal conflict overcomes me.

Thanks again for everyone's support.  It means everything.

J.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Wishing you every success with this installment, JT. With 31 days logged so far, and qualified successes before that, you have great foundations and experiences to build on. Do you have a really clear picture of what triggers your anxiety; how to avoid those things to the best extent possible and what to do when something inevitably pops? Certainly reads like you need to work on getting to the bottom of that anxiety as an "unresolved issue", at the same time as fighting against P. Something's definitely making it difficult for you there.

 

[jthomas]

Thanks for the feedback workinprogressUK.  52 days, no porn.  Maybe 3-4 times MO generally weeks apart.  Finding erections sometimes painful now and hoping that's normal for some people.  Attraction to my wife is minimal.  She's significantly overweight and I can't seem to get past that.  I am too somewhat so I can't judge from that standpoint, you know you just can't force attraction.

Is anyone else experiencing sometimes painful erections in the shaft? (sorry for the graphic question)

J.

 

[cranm329]

Hi J
Check that you aren't starting Peyronie's disease. Painful thickening and tightness of part of the shaft fascia connective tissue. It is treatable but best get it checked early.. don't be embarrassed. Well done going nearly 8 weeks with no P.

 

[jthomas]

Day 66 and no porn.

Thanks cranm329. No symptoms like that.  The painful erections have subsided mostly but anxiety is still a big problem. I'm seeing a social worker and considering a psychiatrist/medication as well but hope it doesn't come to that.

I'm hoping the strong anxiety is in large part due to my eliminating the porn crutch I've relied on for almost 40 years.  My life is generally good, but like a lot of folks, I do have many stresses between work and family. 

I currently have very little desire to watch porn which is a relief, but my libido has a hypersensitive reaction when I see pretty young women in public.  I very much want to move on and leave this burden behind.  Beyond a normal healthy appreciation for attractive women, I want to see them as just people without the strong desire.  That's not who I am or at least not who I want to be. I am fundamentally a moral and caring person. 

I think it will likely take me more than 90 days to really rewire my brain for healthier sexual cravings.  Time will tell.

If anyone else is experiencing high anxiety well into a 90 day plan, I appreciate your sharing your story.  If there's a link to an existing post regarding this, also, thanks for sharing.

J.

 

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