Reboot...

[Edit_undo]

I broke hard mode on day 42. It was slow, relaxed and while I wasn?t completely out of my head, it helped to just remind myself to enjoy her and there?s no pressure to perform. Body response was ok probably 60-70% hard but damn sensitive, it was short. Tried for a repeat yesterday but not as good, even with some ed pill. Now our trip is done and we?ll be getting back to more regular weekly work/home routines.

Needless to say, hard mode is the way to go for now. I?ll try to go a month (or more). My mind gets a little anxious because I want to be intimate but she?s not always into it. That?s life. And I can?t really blame her with this PIED hanging on. Emotionally we are on the same page and really enjoy taking the time together. 

No triggers or urges to look at p. Just getting back to basics tomorrow- exercise, meditation, healthy eats.

 

[Edit_undo]

Today is hard mode day 0. Poor choice really, mo because I lazed around in bed too much. I?m going to blame the chaser effect from the weekend and decent mw. No fantasy but recalling events from the weekend. Neither one seems great for rebooting but still porn free. I had a remarkable rush/drive and great mood up to a few hours later going to the gym. Productive and busy all day but for those few hours this morning I felt like the go-getter that I am typically not. Strange but enjoyable. 

While it wasn?t an ideal start to the day it was still a pretty good day. Got the exercise done and an ok healthy diet. Not gold standard but better. Tomorrow I?ll start with meditation right off the top. Work days are better for keeping that routine.

No triggers or urges otherwise, social media use is moderate and not in a p-sub kind of way.

 

[Edit_undo]

Checking in. Today was fairly productive with some outdoor seasonal jobs at home, short workout, meditation. I?d say the most difficult thing today was finding something else to focus on besides the pretty, fit girl on the machine in front of me while I ran today. Life was much easier after I left the gym.

Besides that, no urges or triggers the last couple days. No chances to slip up with MO lately. There are always thoughts that come and go but not strongly porn related.

The last couple days I?m more amped up than normal - during meditation its more difficult to focus my thoughts and when I?m trying to fall asleep at night takes extra long to calm down. Besides a couple extra coffees yesterday and a lot of drinks on the weekend nothing too unusual lately.  I?ve gone back to progressive muscle relaxation when I meditate the last few times. It?s more useful to occupy the body and mind instead of focusing only on trying not to fidget.

 

[Edit_undo]

Woke up at 3 am today unintentionally. I guess I was disturbed by a sound but it was really difficult to get back to sleep, tossed and turned for a couple hours until I had to leave for work. This is a new development over the last week(ish), I usually fall asleep fast and stay asleep as long as I can (4-7 hours depending on the day and work).  8hrs of sound uninterrupted sleep is a unicorn to me. Well, between a unicorn and yeti. I get it now and then but not often. The only real change is going to bed earlier and green tea in around lunch time the last couple weeks. Weird.

Reboot-wise nothing out of the ordinary. No triggers or anything. Balanced emotion or even a little flat. Porn is not an option, hardly even on my radar right now. Short mindfulness meditation went ok today. No workout but strenuous work today. Pushed me to my limit.

 

[Edit_undo]

Today was a decent day. Worked out and did errands. I actually got a pretty sound sleep last night, although on the shortish side. Also a little irritable the last few days. No real reason for that.

Reboot is still going ok. No urges or triggers today. Porn is not an option.
I was more calm during meditation, also feeling tired. I?d say my phone/internet use is still more than it should be. Social media too. Half the time I check my phone just because I?m bored and I could (should) be finding better things to do.

 

[Edit_undo]

It?s been a few days since I posted, I made some changes this week. New supplements- Boron, as recommended by a user here (and confirmed with research). And AC L-Carnitine.  I realize it?s bad form to change more than one variable at a time but it?s happening. Also checking out some affirmation videos as part of my meditation. They are aimed at people with anxiety but I find it useful - I?ve never had great, unshakeable self confidence. I will be working on that.
The last new thing I checked this week was the Universal Man YouTube channel. I?ve only seen a couple but seems decent.

Reboot wise- it?s all related (see above!) but no porn or MO. Porn is not an option or desired. Some intimacy over the weekend but no improvements. Pied is still a major factor so will probably go for a stretch of hard mode. Honestly it?s not much fun for her either - we talked and have a better understanding where each other is. She doesn?t feel like she needs it and I do but uhmm... pied. So hard mode it is I guess until I?m ?fixed?.

One interesting thing from the universal man vid was he said the mindset of many guys is they need orgasm every so often. One purpose or outcome of the hard 90 or 120 however long you go is that you learn to deal with your pent up energy in a constructive way. You realize that you are not going to explode if you don?t O, life will go on and you find ways to deal. Sounds good to me.

 

[Edit_undo]

Sleep is hard to come by these days. Lately I?ve been waking up around 3, 4, 5 am and sometimes can?t get back to sleep. This has been ongoing for the last few weeks (couple months?) but it?s getting old quick. This morning I was so fidgety I had to get out of bed and tried to meditate but could not rest any more.  Nothing has changed with my caffeine intake so I?m kinda stumped. Cue the bad mood- this morning was not my finest.

On the reboot side, still clean and on hard mode. Nothing remarkable. No urges/ slips or the like. Have actually been out with social functions a couple days extra this week. So if I can focus on sleep and stop worrying about porn and pied maybe changes will come! No time to check out any more Universal Man.

 

[Edit_undo]

Sleep seems a bit better lately, and today I woke up to a fairly persistent mw. Signs of life anyway. 
Have been taking it easy with the workouts since I?m kinda sore - I took yesterday off and today was a light one. Will try for a full session again tomorrow after work. I missed meditating the last couple days too. The only difference I?ve seen is that today I found a slight trigger. I was scrolling through some travel pictures of amazing scenery and some have people off in the distance. My brain wants to see who it is and if they are hot... geez, that?s it! I?m out. That is a slippery slope I can see from a mile away. Shutting down early tonight and hitting the hay.

 

[Easter1916]

Thanks for sharing your story and journey. Your dedication and positive attitude are inspiring. I also appreciate how you are thinking critically. It sounds like you have a lot of good things going: exercise, meditation, open & honest conversations with your partner, and regularly posts.
I read several but not every single entry. I am wondering if you have tried individual or couples therapy?

All the best

 

[Edit_undo]

Hey Easter1916,
I have not tried therapy or even seriously considered it. It probably would be great for me (or us) but I guess I just don?t feel like I?m screwed up enough for it. That seems harsh, there are many well adjusted people that go to therapy regularly and benefit from it.
Outside of this forum and my spouse, I have not shared any of this with anyone. So the cringe factor about opening up to another person is just too much for me. Writing some thoughts down is time consuming but articulating them in conversation is also not easy to me. Making personal connections is not a strength (introvert) and my gosh I?ve just written so many excuses for why I don?t want to try a therapist. 
I will consider it as a last ditch attempt, before I?m completely broken haha.

Have you tried therapy? Was it useful? I read on this forum that some people go through a few before they find a therapist that suits them and is helpful.

 

[wecandoit]

Hey Easter1916,
I have not tried therapy or even seriously considered it. It probably would be great for me (or us) but I guess I just don?t feel like I?m screwed up enough for it. That seems harsh, there are many well adjusted people that go to therapy regularly and benefit from it.
Outside of this forum and my spouse, I have not shared any of this with anyone. So the cringe factor about opening up to another person is just too much for me. Writing some thoughts down is time consuming but articulating them in conversation is also not easy to me. Making personal connections is not a strength (introvert) and my gosh I?ve just written so many excuses for why I don?t want to try a therapist. 
I will consider it as a last ditch attempt, before I?m completely broken haha.

Have you tried therapy? Was it useful? I read on this forum that some people go through a few before they find a therapist that suits them and is helpful.

Yes, I'm in the same boat. I couldn't go to therapy in all those years. The reason mind sound silly or whatever but it doesn't to me: I have a very hard time (even impossible) to open up in front of someone. It makes me feel weak. It's different when I do it anonymously on forums. Here I just write and nobody sees me but presenting myself in front of someone and talking about my secrets is too much. And especially if the therapist is a woman. Showing up in front of a woman and presenting myself in a state that I consider weak is something I could never do.

 

[Edit_undo]

Exactly! I don?t know if it?s ego, or my pride, or that I guess I think well/highly of myself. Whatever the reason, I don?t want to purposely show myself in that state. From the outside we all have it together right?

In the mean time, we?ll anonymously support each other here. We are all here to drop porn and start living.

 

[Edit_undo]

I guess it?s time for an update. I?m on hard mode day 2, had some re-wiring over the weekend with my lady but I wouldn?t say I?m rebooted or close yet. Then MO on Sunday morning after sleeping in. I guess a bit of a chaser but strangely familiar circumstances as the last time. Same script I guess. Poor choice. I feel like a couple days after the mo I had to work at being social and having self confidence (which I?m not overflowing with but was better recently). I have not noticed that connection in the past couple of mos, though I?m not surprised.

Still no P or fantasy or subs so that?s good. No triggers or urges in the last couple days. Back to business as usual now.  It should be easier to stay on hard mode over the next month- lots of busy-ness and travelling over the holidays and I have to work one holiday so that will just be strange.

 

[Edit_undo]

Still on hard mode, I guess about 13 days. Had a spark of libido this morning but just cuddled with my girl, it was nice.
I?m still getting over a cold so that kiboshed my workouts the past week. Getting back into it slowly. I don?t expect a lot of gym time over the holidays with travelling and whatnot but I made it yesterday and probably tomorrow too. Meditation has been just a few minutes here and there. I started reading 12 rules for life by Peterson on my kindle. Good read so far. And over the past couple weeks did some light carpentry- salvaged some wood for a small shelf. And finished it! Trying to stay disciplined in all areas, before I would have finished about 90% and been satisfied or just procrastinated the last bit (sealing and finishing the wood). It was actually a fun project and learned some things too.

Not much in the way of urges or close calls. One incidental scene in a movie yesterday, I don?t think it really got into my head much. Besides that nothing. I?ve been watching the Universal Man series on YouTube- sexual self mastery series and he talks through the main points of rebooting and adds some common sense and illustrations of how to apply it for your life. Really practical, highly recommend.

Besides that, staying busy with the joy of this season. And just plain busy.

 

[Edit_undo]

Today is day 1 hard mode. I made it 29 days before we broke it. We had a nice quiet night in and I have no intentions of ever stopping a bj. And the spacing out Os has been positive for me- better body response lately. Not so great that I followed that with MO the next day. That trend continues. No P though.

One close call last week, some mindless browsing online. It started with a video sent to me (not remotely sexy) then was looking around the same site and found non nude (but not helpful) pics. I shut it down and moved on. So nearly 2 years porn free and the brain still seeks.

In general I?m happy with where I am vs where I started. And getting back into a more regular routine after the holidays will only improve my situation. Onward and upward this new year.

 

[Edit_undo]

Back to day 7 hard mode. After my last post I had a couple more sessions with my girl but maybe too much too close together. Some flat line.

Been doing some reading online over at Your Brain Rebalanced- a couple interesting concepts. First, No Arousal method. Main idea is to limit stimulation/arousal completely (including from real people) for a short time to help reboot your brain. Reading through some methods seem extreme and nearly unattainable. It would take a lot of discipline and I?m not sure it?s worthwhile for my situation.

The other thread on that forum was by a user ?game over? about muscle training specifically pelvic floor. Like if you do the clench during MO/sex may contribute to pied and how to break that conditioning. Interesting concepts to say the least.

Still working out pretty regular, slacking on meditation. Trying to be more intentional spending time with my kids and I?m enjoying it. Social media use is getting out of hand a bit. More time scrolling through memes hoping for a hot pic.  Mild triggers but nothing more. Just a bad idea.

The tl;dr of the next part is dealing with PMO makes you deal with other issues you didn?t know you had.

Had some conflicts crop up from the past- I?m sure I?ve touched on this briefly before. I was raised going to church. No problem, and I think I want the some of the same for my family now. Instilling morals, virtue and teaching right and wrong is important to me. But not so sheltered! Not to delve too  deep into that here. But still working through the things that form my identity as they present themselves and every time I go back to that church I am conflicted. It?s like my life is not how I thought it would turn out and then I can only focus on what?s not ?ideal? (flawed ideals or not). I?m happy with a lot of things in my life but comparing these ideals/expectations with my current reality makes me feel like I?ve come up short in some way. Can?t quite put my finger on it. To be sure, my employment/scheduling and life experience is 100% different from my siblings and parents and fair number of working class people.  So it?s not a fair comparison at all.  I?ve been pretty vague and rambled lots which makes for a long erratic post today. 

 

[Edit_undo]

Quick check in to say I?m still here and still clean. Not much to write about but I still pop by to read often. I haven?t searched for p in over 2 years and don?t feel the need to PMO ever again! MO is virtually never. Busy schedules have kept my lady and I from anything regular but I?ll take that as time to heal my brain. Still.

Was a little bit rattled at work this week. The shock of that event is fading and the routines I?ve built (exercise and meditation with general busy-ness) are helping me process it.