Old Habits Die (in) Hard(mode)

[allthelights]

Day 65 nearing completion, still successful.

Having said that, today was a challenging day. It's not that I was triggered sexually or anything like that but I did get stuck in a feeling of being down/overwhelmed for a big chunk of the day. I hate when I get like that because I feel paralyzed and not present in my body. I think a big reason for it is that I had an item on my to do list to book a work trip. I haven't traveled for work since I started this process and the thought of it is stressful because that is one of the situations in the past where my behaviours would come out in full force. I spun for a good part of the day until I booked the trip, then I steadily came back into myself and felt better as the day went on.

The main thing I did to keep me from doing to hard was to make a list of all the things I had to do, that way I could come back to that as a form of focus. I'd like to have other 'anchoring' strategies for when my mind wants to go on a trip. Anyone have any good suggestions?

The trip will be stressful but I think that I have enough tools to make it successful and I know that I am focused on my goal. I am 100% on board with staying away from PMO. I don't want it in my life and I am not willing to accept it in any form.

 

[allthelights]

Checking in on day 69, still running clean.

My counsellor gave me some strategies for when I am traveling that I will be putting into practice. The main piece of advice was to treat it like you are at home. If I was home for an evening I wouldn't confine myself to my bedroom all night but for some reason when I travel I coop myself up in my hotel room all night.  And then I wonder why I have had problems in the past, lol. I am planning to schedule some actual activities to stimulate my mind and create connections that will keep me out of that vulnerable position/time. It sounds so simple now but I couldn't come to that conclusion on my own so I thought this would be helpful for some other people.

I'm either going to go see a movie at a theatre (NOT in my room), go to a yoga studio as a drop in, or go to a coffee shop to read a book. Central to all of the options is actually making a plan ahead of time and getting out of that room!

 

[happyrunner]

As a freelancer I found out that I MUST get out of my apartment in the morning everyday. The easiest way to do so is to go for a run. And then I go to a cafe to work for 2-3 hours.

Morning hours are of the highest risk for me. So I am building some habits that help me when my mind is not fully awake.

69 days PMO free -- this is impressive. Please keep up with your journal.

 

[allthelights]

Day 72, still going strong. My plan of attack for this trip is in place and I have been successful so far. I will be successful because I choose it.

Thanks for your support.

 

[allthelights]

I was able to stay clean of PMO for that work trip and was very happy with that fact. It is now day 76 of my path and I am still completely clean on hardmode the whole time.

The best centering activity in my life is yoga easily, I can't say it enough. The benefits I get from it physically, mentally, and socially are huge.

My second visit with the new couples therapist is this week. This time it's one on one so that they can learn about each of us before we regroup together again. I'm very hopeful that trust in our relationship can be rebuilt so that we can move forward together.

 

[allthelights]

Checking in on day 82 of hardmode.

Over the past couple days I have noticed stress creeping back into my life at a level that affects me.  The feeling of being stressed makes me feel down because it brings up a lot of feelings about my past behaviours and how it has impacted others.  I had a few periods where I sunk deep into periods of shame and became paralyzed by the feelings.  Thankfully despite being in a state of feeling shame, I felt like I was fully in control and the idea of using pornography did not cross my mind.  I think that is a good sign for my recovery.  I pulled myself out each time by focusing on my breathing and telling my partner that I was aware of my feelings.  Being aware of my stress when it happens has significantly helped me deal with it.

Anyways, despite being a little down this past week and I still clean and have no plans to change my direction.

 

[Edit_undo]

That is progress! I know it sucks to be stressed and feel down but to be able to acknowledge the feeling and move on (talk to your partner) is a healthy way to deal with it! This is where I want to be.  And congrats on 82 days hard mode. Almost to the big 90. Well done.

 

[allthelights]

This past week had a pretty big low for me.  I didn't relapse but I was definitely in a deep pit of shame reliving the feelings I had when I was first confronted by my partner after she expressed some tough feelings to me again.  I had to check in with my therapist in a state of crisis and was able to pull through but tears were shed and emotions were shared.  I think it is important for me to understand the pain I caused her as much as the pain I caused myself.  I also think it is important to continue to try and be vulnerable, as hard as it is sometimes.  Its in overcoming those low moments that I know/reaffirm that quitting porn forever is what I need to do; it makes me want to fight harder for myself.  Eventually over time the small 'wins' will keep stacking up and build to something great, I can already feel the momentum.

Checking in on a big one, day 90! In some ways I can't believe that I have made it this far in hard mode but I know that I have been putting in the work and the results have been great. Fuck porn.  I feel so much more clear and I am sleeping better too.  I also feel that rejecting PMO/MO has forced me to confront many of the things that I would have avoided in the past and work through those things (like stress) in a more healthy way. Lately I find myself feeling much more empathetic towards others and like I have a strong feeling of genuinely caring about other people.  I think focusing inward has shown me how much I appreciate those feelings myself and I want to reflect them outwards.

I still have a long way to go.  90 days is a big accomplishment but in the end it is just another day.  I am looking forward to day 91

 

[Edit_undo]

Hey man, sorry to hear you had a rough week. Glad you pulled through.

I think it is important for me to understand the pain I caused her as much as the pain I caused myself.  I also think it is important to continue to try and be vulnerable, as hard as it is sometimes. 

The pain is, or can be an important motivator. Knowing that PMO hurts the two most important people in your life (you and your spouse) will hopefully make it easier to turn away. And agree with vulnerability 100%. I feel like that builds intimacy and improves connection in the marriage.

  I also feel that rejecting PMO/MO has forced me to confront many of the things that I would have avoided in the past and work through those things (like stress) in a more healthy way.

+1000 for that, totally agree.
Congrats on completing the hard 90!

 

[allthelights]

Checking in on day 97, still running hard mode thought at this point I am no longer in that mode as rule.  Having said that, I still have no plans to ever masturbate again for the foreseeable future.  I have made it clear to my partner that I don't have any expectations for sex and that I will let her take the lead.  Honestly, I'm not sure if I've felt as comfortable with not having sex in our relationship as I do right now.  I don't feel like I 'have to have it' and I feel very in control of my mind and thoughts.  I think this is a pretty big positive sign for my reboot as a whole and I am excited about the future.

 

[allthelights]

Day 100! I never want to go back.

 

[Georgos]

Hi ATL, how's it going? Sounds like you're doing great. Now the rewiring process starts in earnest, you can't force it, but you do have to process the past, forgetting can come naturally, but your experience will remain a part of you forever on some level, how you process it from now on is the challenge, I'd encourage you to keep exploring your past experience with your wife, friends and family as well as here on the forum in any manner that you feel comfortable with. Thank you.

 

[allthelights]

Checking in on day 111.  Tomorrow will mark the end of 16 straight weeks on hard mode.  Week 17 will be one of the hardest mentally for sure.  My partner is away all week so I'll be home alone.  I have to make sure that I have plans and strategies to deal with the anxiety and loneliness I feel when I am by myself.  I know that a lot of of the structures I have put in place for myself will be key; things like going to yoga, meditating, counting calories, and journalling.  This forum is another tool that I use to keep me grounded.  Although I don't post that much I read the forums every day.  In a way, circling back to the problems that PMO presents keeps me focused on my goals and helps me avoid relapse.  I am definitely going to be looking to connect with some friends this week too because the cure for loneliness is healthy connections.

I am stronger than I was 16 weeks ago; both physically and mentally.  I know that I have the tools to deal with problems that are thrown at me.

 

[allthelights]

Day 116 closing out, tonight is my last night alone. I haven't had any issues but I have been putting a lot of focus on maintaining connections and have been actively keeping my perspective where I want it to be.  In a strangely refreshing sense, I haven't really been aroused at all this entire week. It's nice to know that I am now able to reserve those feelings (and physical reactions) for times when they are more appropriate.

 

[allthelights]

Day 118 of hard mode is now in the books.

Let me tell you, arousal came back pretty quick when my gf came home. Still have to try to keep it tamped down a bit but it felt like a healthy response.

Onwards to the next day. I feel so much better about myself and I feel so much happier and more clear in my thinking. I remember how terrible I felt back in November and I never want to forget that feeling because it makes my goals clear in my head. I never want to go back there. I want to continue being this version of myself; it's much closer to the best version. Every day is an opportunity to reflect and grow.

 

[allthelights]

I don't want to let this slip off the first page. I read every day but don't write as much because I rely on my written journal more. Today is day 128, still in hard mode, still going well overall.

Some tougher spots with regards to how I feel but I'm still operating with a lot more space and clarity in my head. Lots is stress coming for me at work soon, let's see how I handle it.

 

[allthelights]

I've been meaning to post for a while but for some reason never got around to it.  I still read nearly everyday on my phone but I prefer to post from my computer and haven't really been using my computer.  Oh well.

I made it to day 166 of hardmode and I have news to report.  Around 3 weeks ago I had my first brush with danger.  My partner was away for 3 days and I was fine up until the third day.  On the day she was coming home I found myself getting excited an distracted because I was anticipating her return.  So much so that I found myself 'drifting' a bit on social media instagram/twitter.  I say drifting because it was just mindless clicking with no real purpose or direction but definitely trending towards more sexualized images (not porn).  I ended up catching myself and had to put my safety plan into action and the good news was...it worked!  I walked away and got outside for a while and was able to avoid a relapse.  In this way it was quite a success.  The bad side of the experience was that I felt terrible about it even though nothing happened and this lead to some very challenging discussions with my partner.  I was upset with the fact that my mind could slip at all.  My therapist told me that it was not reasonable to hold myself to such high standards as it will only lead to disappointment.  Having thoughts is not within my control, what is in my control is the behaviours and actions that come from the thoughts. Old habits truly do die in hardmode.

That brings me to today, day 166.  Today was officially the end of my hardmode experience because I have to drop the 'O' from PMO.  I had sex this morning with my partner for the first time since being confronted with my issues and it was amazing.  I have no plans to return to either P or M at all. As it turns out, going without sex for a while is not that bad either.

 

[Greenzebra]

Great to read. I admire your commitment to your partner and to your goal.

Keep strong, youre doing everything right. Just focus on that meditation, yoga and pursuing things that make you happy.