Cant_Wait18
New Member
I have been married to my husband for 2 years. We have been together for 6 years. He says that he has had an addiction to porn since before he even knew me. Looking back, I think that could explain why he couldn't get it up the first time we tried to have sex in a heated moment (back then, I thought it was because he was just nervous or maybe it was performance anxiety).
Our sex has always been very up and down. It was great in the beginning (once things got going), but since I haven't been with many men in bed, I have been sort of naive about how sexual encounters should go and how an erection works. Before I met him, I was under the impression that if a guy gets in the heat of the moment, he will feel aroused and it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll get 100% hard. Ready to go. But when I started having sex with my husband (back when we were just going out) he would get only about 70-80% hard. I thought it was just because he was so eager to orgasm that he didn't care how hard he was/he was being lazy about it: he just wanted to get to the sex and the orgasm part. So I would tell him things like "hey, you know our sex is great when you're 100% hard! So lets do it that way more often!" (Of course, that was my naive thinking that he actually had control over how hard he got.)
In a single session, he would get a little hard at first, then he would ask me to give him hand jobs or oral in order to get him to be harder so we could have sex. Unfortunately, his hard-on wouldn't stick around for our entire sexual encounter so he started using cock rings to help with that. About a year into our relationship, he moved in with me in my apartment. I was super excited because I'm a really sexual person. I imagined us, like on tv, having sex in every room... on the couch... in the kitchen... on the counter... on the floor... you name it. I wanted to have sex there. But because his erections were so inconsistent, we never got to fulfill that fantasy of mine. If I managed to get him hard and he got up/ moved around too much, he would lose it. A lot of the time, he would lose it even while he was wearing the cock ring.
I gave up on that fantasy because I figured he just couldn't do it. I didn't want to make him feel bad or anything so I just let it go.
We lived together for 3 years. He had some strange habits during night time: I would go to bed in the bedroom while he would often stay up very late by himself on the couch in the living room. I assumed he was just playing games on his ipad, he just needed some space to himself and it was harmless. After these 3 years, we decided to get married. He has always been a very sweet man and has always been very kind and loving with me.
About 2 weeks after we got married, I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and I found his phone on the floor with the screen still left on. I picked it up to turn off the screen so the battery doesn't die overnight and to my surprise: I found porn. LOTS of porn.
The thing that worried me the most, though, is that it was not straight porn. It was GAY porn. I started freaking out, wondering if I had just married a closet gay man. I even found an email address that he used to use to talk to real men and send pictures of their dicks to each other over craigslist. (The emails were from the years before I met him, but who knows if he just deleted the more recent ones.)
I confronted him about everything and he said that he wasn't gay (because he doesn't look at a guy on the street and get turned on or find himself attracted to them) He said that he talked to those men just to feel the rush of talking to strangers who wanted him sexually (this made him feel attractive). It turned him on. Specifically, seeing hard penises turns him on. I thought one of two things could be true about this: 1) he's gay and lying to me about it or 2) he's not gay, but since he has a hard time keeping a 100% hard erection, seeing super big, erect penises turns him on. Like "penis envy" I guess.
He did admit to me that he is curious to try anal sex (he wants to receive it), but he insisted that this fact alone does not make him gay. He said there are lots of straight men out there who find pleasure in receiving anal sex since there are a lot of nerve endings there. After doing research on this myself, that is true... but considering he was just found watching a lot of gay porn, it seems that trying this with him would be a little risky for me as his wife. What if experimenting with a strap-on actually pushes him further into this world of anal sex and looking at men?
After expressing my concerns about him being gay, worrying that I just married a closet gay man, he said he was going to stop watching the porn.
Of course, he didn't stop. He was addicted. It seemed to morph into something else though: he then turned to watching porn with she-males/transvestites: very pretty girls... they just also happen to have a big penis.
Now the issue is that he is still addicted to porn, but the only porn he indulges in is she-male porn. And he still has that desire to be penetrated. He doesn't ask me to do it because he knows that after everything that has happened, I have major trust issues with him in that area.
I went back to school to get a degree and most of my classes are in the evening. He has a day-job so he comes home to an empty room with hours to himself. For the last two years (the first two years of our marriage) it has been a rollercoaster of good sex and bad sex. Some days he can keep it hard -no problem- and our sex is great. Other days, he can't and our sex sucks. However, no matter the state of his penis, he is always able to make himself get an orgasm through our intercourse, (so he always gets what he wants), but I have been completely sexually frustrated at times because I can't enjoy our sex when he's not 100% hard. Sometimes I barely feel what he's doing if he's not hard enough. It makes no difference for him though. He can orgasm every time.
It has even gotten to the point where I don't make advances towards him anymore because it feels horrible when I try to get sexy for him and come on to him, but his dick stays limp. It's a big blow to my self-esteem. I've tried getting all dressed up and coming on to him. We'll make out, things will get hot and heavy, but after a while, I find he still has no erection at all.I know he wants me to come on to him, but I'm scared to try and nothing be the result. Not only does it make me feel horrible, but it also takes a toll on his confidence since he wasn't able to follow-up my initiation.
Although he can't stay fully hard, he does still have a big sex drive. He used to want it every single day. And I tried having sex with him every single day in fear that if I didn't, he would turn to porn. But a few things happened: 1) since he orgasmed every time, as the days went on, his dick was less and less hard with every encounter (therefore, making it less and less pleasurable for me) 2) it would take him longer and longer to actually make himself cum, and 3) my efforts to be the object of his daily sexual desires did not stop him from seeking out porn eventually.
Every time he can't stay hard during sex, I think it's because he recently, secretly watched porn. So either he can't stay hard with me because he's feeling guilty, or maybe he can't stay hard because he's too busy stressing over "omg, if I'm not hard enough, she's gonna be able to tell that I masturbated to porn recently..." and that stress kills his erection.
I have tried to be very patient. I have tried to be understanding about the time necessary to reprogram his brain to getting stimulated naturally, but it's very frustrating for me when I feel like he's just being more secretive about it.
There are some days when I just "know" he has been doing something behind my back so I check his history on his devices and I ask him directly. He always denies it and I find nothing. He's just gotten better about covering up his tracks.
This has taken a psychological toll on me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going crazy and imagining things. I feel terrible when I get that "feeling" that something has been going on... but he insists that he has been "good." I feel horrible for assuming my "feeling" was right... like I'm just holding his past against him. That would suck for anyone who made mistakes in the past that they are trying to rectify.
Last night, I had to stay at school until 10pm (much later than usual) and I found she-male porn on his phone again when I got home. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had actually been looking at porn about once/twice a week for a while now. That explains all the times we've had sex and he has been less than his best.
We talked about it for a while and he even told me that he "can't" stop going back to it. I asked him to clarify since obviously, nobody if FORCING him to navigate to those sites, then he even said he "won't" stop.
I don't know what to do. With such an inconsistent sex life, it has been really hard. I always pictured myself having amazing sex with my future husband day and night. I have a big sexual appetite so I was happy knowing that my husband had one too. Unfortunately, he is screwing up his performance by messing with all this she-male porn. I don't know what to do. It's been two years dealing with these issues (since the very start of our marriage) and I feel like I haven't been able to properly enjoy being married because of our constant falling back to this same issue.
He keeps saying that "it has gotten a lot better" than what the addiction was at first (since it used to be every night), but it never seems to just GO AWAY.
I was worried when I first decided to go back to school because if I was going to be leaving him alone all the time, I knew porn would be a big temptation for him. But I hate feeling like I can't live my life because I'm worried that if I leave him alone for too long, he's gonna fall back into those habits and totally screw up our sex life all over again (like he's been doing).
I hate feeling like I can't just be really tired some days and refuse sex every once in a while because if I refuse him even once, he's going to be frustrated to the point of driving him back to the porn.
I hate feeling like I'm inadequate because of his obsession with she-male porn. Not only for the reasons that women usually feel inadequate (because the girls in the videos are always gorgeous), but even more for the reason because I'm not a she-male! I don't have a penis that he can enjoy! And I know it sounds ridiculous, but this is the first time I have felt like I was inadequate for not having a penis! You would think it's because of the usual girl insecurities: Am I pretty enough? Do I turn him on? Can I play with him in a way that makes him feel good?
He says that he likes she-male porn because he likes looking a big penises (penis envy due to his ED?) and he loves looking at hot girls with boobs. The more boobs and penises, the better.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should keep trying to be patient with him and hope he makes the right choices every time I leave him alone while I'm in school... or maybe after two years of waiting for our sex life to normalize, maybe I should just leave him since he continually goes back to this strange addiction.
I know after that first evening finding porn and that email address on his phone, most girls would have been freaked out and left him right after the first two weeks of marriage. But I have been trying my best to be understanding that this is an addiction. After two years, though... I don't know if I'm just wasting my time. I just turned 30 this year and he is 32. We aren't in our youngest years, but I still look good. The last thing I want is to be waiting for our sex life to get better for another 5 years and then realize: "holy shit... I've been with this guy since I was 24... I gave him my prime years and at age 35 I have to leave and start from scratch."
He is aware of porn-induced ED, he has read a lot of research on the matter and I have told him how horrible it all makes me feel... but t never seems to go away and stay away.
I can't talk to anyone I know about this and I am in desperate need of advice.
What should I do?
Our sex has always been very up and down. It was great in the beginning (once things got going), but since I haven't been with many men in bed, I have been sort of naive about how sexual encounters should go and how an erection works. Before I met him, I was under the impression that if a guy gets in the heat of the moment, he will feel aroused and it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll get 100% hard. Ready to go. But when I started having sex with my husband (back when we were just going out) he would get only about 70-80% hard. I thought it was just because he was so eager to orgasm that he didn't care how hard he was/he was being lazy about it: he just wanted to get to the sex and the orgasm part. So I would tell him things like "hey, you know our sex is great when you're 100% hard! So lets do it that way more often!" (Of course, that was my naive thinking that he actually had control over how hard he got.)
In a single session, he would get a little hard at first, then he would ask me to give him hand jobs or oral in order to get him to be harder so we could have sex. Unfortunately, his hard-on wouldn't stick around for our entire sexual encounter so he started using cock rings to help with that. About a year into our relationship, he moved in with me in my apartment. I was super excited because I'm a really sexual person. I imagined us, like on tv, having sex in every room... on the couch... in the kitchen... on the counter... on the floor... you name it. I wanted to have sex there. But because his erections were so inconsistent, we never got to fulfill that fantasy of mine. If I managed to get him hard and he got up/ moved around too much, he would lose it. A lot of the time, he would lose it even while he was wearing the cock ring.
I gave up on that fantasy because I figured he just couldn't do it. I didn't want to make him feel bad or anything so I just let it go.
We lived together for 3 years. He had some strange habits during night time: I would go to bed in the bedroom while he would often stay up very late by himself on the couch in the living room. I assumed he was just playing games on his ipad, he just needed some space to himself and it was harmless. After these 3 years, we decided to get married. He has always been a very sweet man and has always been very kind and loving with me.
About 2 weeks after we got married, I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and I found his phone on the floor with the screen still left on. I picked it up to turn off the screen so the battery doesn't die overnight and to my surprise: I found porn. LOTS of porn.
The thing that worried me the most, though, is that it was not straight porn. It was GAY porn. I started freaking out, wondering if I had just married a closet gay man. I even found an email address that he used to use to talk to real men and send pictures of their dicks to each other over craigslist. (The emails were from the years before I met him, but who knows if he just deleted the more recent ones.)
I confronted him about everything and he said that he wasn't gay (because he doesn't look at a guy on the street and get turned on or find himself attracted to them) He said that he talked to those men just to feel the rush of talking to strangers who wanted him sexually (this made him feel attractive). It turned him on. Specifically, seeing hard penises turns him on. I thought one of two things could be true about this: 1) he's gay and lying to me about it or 2) he's not gay, but since he has a hard time keeping a 100% hard erection, seeing super big, erect penises turns him on. Like "penis envy" I guess.
He did admit to me that he is curious to try anal sex (he wants to receive it), but he insisted that this fact alone does not make him gay. He said there are lots of straight men out there who find pleasure in receiving anal sex since there are a lot of nerve endings there. After doing research on this myself, that is true... but considering he was just found watching a lot of gay porn, it seems that trying this with him would be a little risky for me as his wife. What if experimenting with a strap-on actually pushes him further into this world of anal sex and looking at men?
After expressing my concerns about him being gay, worrying that I just married a closet gay man, he said he was going to stop watching the porn.
Of course, he didn't stop. He was addicted. It seemed to morph into something else though: he then turned to watching porn with she-males/transvestites: very pretty girls... they just also happen to have a big penis.
Now the issue is that he is still addicted to porn, but the only porn he indulges in is she-male porn. And he still has that desire to be penetrated. He doesn't ask me to do it because he knows that after everything that has happened, I have major trust issues with him in that area.
I went back to school to get a degree and most of my classes are in the evening. He has a day-job so he comes home to an empty room with hours to himself. For the last two years (the first two years of our marriage) it has been a rollercoaster of good sex and bad sex. Some days he can keep it hard -no problem- and our sex is great. Other days, he can't and our sex sucks. However, no matter the state of his penis, he is always able to make himself get an orgasm through our intercourse, (so he always gets what he wants), but I have been completely sexually frustrated at times because I can't enjoy our sex when he's not 100% hard. Sometimes I barely feel what he's doing if he's not hard enough. It makes no difference for him though. He can orgasm every time.
It has even gotten to the point where I don't make advances towards him anymore because it feels horrible when I try to get sexy for him and come on to him, but his dick stays limp. It's a big blow to my self-esteem. I've tried getting all dressed up and coming on to him. We'll make out, things will get hot and heavy, but after a while, I find he still has no erection at all.I know he wants me to come on to him, but I'm scared to try and nothing be the result. Not only does it make me feel horrible, but it also takes a toll on his confidence since he wasn't able to follow-up my initiation.
Although he can't stay fully hard, he does still have a big sex drive. He used to want it every single day. And I tried having sex with him every single day in fear that if I didn't, he would turn to porn. But a few things happened: 1) since he orgasmed every time, as the days went on, his dick was less and less hard with every encounter (therefore, making it less and less pleasurable for me) 2) it would take him longer and longer to actually make himself cum, and 3) my efforts to be the object of his daily sexual desires did not stop him from seeking out porn eventually.
Every time he can't stay hard during sex, I think it's because he recently, secretly watched porn. So either he can't stay hard with me because he's feeling guilty, or maybe he can't stay hard because he's too busy stressing over "omg, if I'm not hard enough, she's gonna be able to tell that I masturbated to porn recently..." and that stress kills his erection.
I have tried to be very patient. I have tried to be understanding about the time necessary to reprogram his brain to getting stimulated naturally, but it's very frustrating for me when I feel like he's just being more secretive about it.
There are some days when I just "know" he has been doing something behind my back so I check his history on his devices and I ask him directly. He always denies it and I find nothing. He's just gotten better about covering up his tracks.
This has taken a psychological toll on me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going crazy and imagining things. I feel terrible when I get that "feeling" that something has been going on... but he insists that he has been "good." I feel horrible for assuming my "feeling" was right... like I'm just holding his past against him. That would suck for anyone who made mistakes in the past that they are trying to rectify.
Last night, I had to stay at school until 10pm (much later than usual) and I found she-male porn on his phone again when I got home. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had actually been looking at porn about once/twice a week for a while now. That explains all the times we've had sex and he has been less than his best.
We talked about it for a while and he even told me that he "can't" stop going back to it. I asked him to clarify since obviously, nobody if FORCING him to navigate to those sites, then he even said he "won't" stop.
I don't know what to do. With such an inconsistent sex life, it has been really hard. I always pictured myself having amazing sex with my future husband day and night. I have a big sexual appetite so I was happy knowing that my husband had one too. Unfortunately, he is screwing up his performance by messing with all this she-male porn. I don't know what to do. It's been two years dealing with these issues (since the very start of our marriage) and I feel like I haven't been able to properly enjoy being married because of our constant falling back to this same issue.
He keeps saying that "it has gotten a lot better" than what the addiction was at first (since it used to be every night), but it never seems to just GO AWAY.
I was worried when I first decided to go back to school because if I was going to be leaving him alone all the time, I knew porn would be a big temptation for him. But I hate feeling like I can't live my life because I'm worried that if I leave him alone for too long, he's gonna fall back into those habits and totally screw up our sex life all over again (like he's been doing).
I hate feeling like I can't just be really tired some days and refuse sex every once in a while because if I refuse him even once, he's going to be frustrated to the point of driving him back to the porn.
I hate feeling like I'm inadequate because of his obsession with she-male porn. Not only for the reasons that women usually feel inadequate (because the girls in the videos are always gorgeous), but even more for the reason because I'm not a she-male! I don't have a penis that he can enjoy! And I know it sounds ridiculous, but this is the first time I have felt like I was inadequate for not having a penis! You would think it's because of the usual girl insecurities: Am I pretty enough? Do I turn him on? Can I play with him in a way that makes him feel good?
He says that he likes she-male porn because he likes looking a big penises (penis envy due to his ED?) and he loves looking at hot girls with boobs. The more boobs and penises, the better.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should keep trying to be patient with him and hope he makes the right choices every time I leave him alone while I'm in school... or maybe after two years of waiting for our sex life to normalize, maybe I should just leave him since he continually goes back to this strange addiction.
I know after that first evening finding porn and that email address on his phone, most girls would have been freaked out and left him right after the first two weeks of marriage. But I have been trying my best to be understanding that this is an addiction. After two years, though... I don't know if I'm just wasting my time. I just turned 30 this year and he is 32. We aren't in our youngest years, but I still look good. The last thing I want is to be waiting for our sex life to get better for another 5 years and then realize: "holy shit... I've been with this guy since I was 24... I gave him my prime years and at age 35 I have to leave and start from scratch."
He is aware of porn-induced ED, he has read a lot of research on the matter and I have told him how horrible it all makes me feel... but t never seems to go away and stay away.
I can't talk to anyone I know about this and I am in desperate need of advice.
What should I do?