As a quick background, my husband first learned I disapproved of pornography when he casually mentioned a sex how-to video when we were two months into dating. He sensed my discomfort and lied and said he had only seen a few things in his life. He was actually a daily if not multiple times a day pornography user. We got engaged the next year after many denials, lies and partial disclosures. He said a lot of extremely hurtful things when it really became a problem in our relationship. His view of sex was very much warped and justified by that?s how guys are. We saw a counselor because of our engagement, but it was basically just ?this is how all guys are because they are visual and women just have to accept reality and forgive.? My view of men, love, trust, my self-esteem, my sexual expression became very damaged. I had so much anxiety I lost my appetite and lost a massive amount of weight. To the best of my knowledge, my husband quit porn altogether several months after we were engaged. He came clean (once again I discovered he had been lying) about his use and had had a turning point where it was time to give up all erotica. Then, I recently learned, when we first had sex he realized how different it was from porn and that he could never actually have sex with someone else, so he really attached to me. This means a lot to me, except for the low level of distrust that is always there to some degree.
He continued to lie about stupid stuff during the first year of marriage, and my anxiety got so bad I left him for a few weeks and determined to leave him for good if I caught him lying again. It seems that changed things and he started being honest and not hiding stuff like loaning money to friends. Anyway, I basically had betrayal PTSD from all the lies and porn and hurtful things he said ? I was very triggered by many things like seeing a sexy advertisement.. I got over this by taking Zoloft and living separately from my husband while pursuing a higher degree, which then led to a very high-paying job and a rediscovery of my self-esteem. All of that compensated for my loss is sexual self-esteem and an uninhibited sex life. We had plenty of sex but it was pretty meaningless to me?never an expression of love?just getting off with a safe person. And then we had a couple of kids and that intense love for them at the baby and toddler stage also was way more important than sex stuff.
But now?16 years after all of our marital problems related to sex and my tremendous emotional turmoil and weight loss, after I had successfully stuffed all those feelings, I am struggling again! It started with a friend?s divorce, and I confessed to her some of our early marriage problems. Eventually I talked to my husband about how intensely he had hurt me, and he had been completely clueless. He knew it bothered me but didn?t realize that that was what had caused my anxiety and weight loss. I showed him albums to prove the timeline?weight loss after discovery and weight gain after living separately and going on Zoloft. I confessed sex had been pretty emotionally empty ever since discovery.. I felt so angry for how much I had given up emotionally and health wise for our relationship. So mad to discover he had never really thought the porn was a big deal and that I had just over-reacted to the ongoing lies. Basically, all the feelings I had stuffed cane back up so strong!!! I hate to feel this way again. I think it has been helpful for him to come to a realization of the harm of porn and the recognition that he was in fact a heavy user and that this isn?t just normal guy stuff. But now I feel upset again, and he is fed up with my recurrence of anxiety, depression, insecurity.
Any advice? On one hand, I can?t believe i am having these feelings again after so long, but then on the other hand, maybe it is because no one ever really helped me deal with it the first time around. I feel conflicted because I don?t want to damage my marriage now over the past but I think it was helpful initially to talk about it. Any advice?
He continued to lie about stupid stuff during the first year of marriage, and my anxiety got so bad I left him for a few weeks and determined to leave him for good if I caught him lying again. It seems that changed things and he started being honest and not hiding stuff like loaning money to friends. Anyway, I basically had betrayal PTSD from all the lies and porn and hurtful things he said ? I was very triggered by many things like seeing a sexy advertisement.. I got over this by taking Zoloft and living separately from my husband while pursuing a higher degree, which then led to a very high-paying job and a rediscovery of my self-esteem. All of that compensated for my loss is sexual self-esteem and an uninhibited sex life. We had plenty of sex but it was pretty meaningless to me?never an expression of love?just getting off with a safe person. And then we had a couple of kids and that intense love for them at the baby and toddler stage also was way more important than sex stuff.
But now?16 years after all of our marital problems related to sex and my tremendous emotional turmoil and weight loss, after I had successfully stuffed all those feelings, I am struggling again! It started with a friend?s divorce, and I confessed to her some of our early marriage problems. Eventually I talked to my husband about how intensely he had hurt me, and he had been completely clueless. He knew it bothered me but didn?t realize that that was what had caused my anxiety and weight loss. I showed him albums to prove the timeline?weight loss after discovery and weight gain after living separately and going on Zoloft. I confessed sex had been pretty emotionally empty ever since discovery.. I felt so angry for how much I had given up emotionally and health wise for our relationship. So mad to discover he had never really thought the porn was a big deal and that I had just over-reacted to the ongoing lies. Basically, all the feelings I had stuffed cane back up so strong!!! I hate to feel this way again. I think it has been helpful for him to come to a realization of the harm of porn and the recognition that he was in fact a heavy user and that this isn?t just normal guy stuff. But now I feel upset again, and he is fed up with my recurrence of anxiety, depression, insecurity.
Any advice? On one hand, I can?t believe i am having these feelings again after so long, but then on the other hand, maybe it is because no one ever really helped me deal with it the first time around. I feel conflicted because I don?t want to damage my marriage now over the past but I think it was helpful initially to talk about it. Any advice?