Breaking The Isolation

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Savagesauce

Member
Hello everyone. My name is Savagesauce, and I've been addicted to porn for about 11-12 years. This addiction started when I was about 12 or 13, and it quickly became an escape from my difficulties in life. I was a lonely kid who didn't know how to interact with women, and I had trouble making friends, so for a little while, porn made my life easy. Now I'm trying to quit and put myself out there, and live a more meaningful life.

I want to quit because I want to get a better job, get into a meaningful relationship with a woman, have more self-control and have life in order, and to live more adventurously. Some of the things I am doing to get better are checking in with an accountability partner, going to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, working toward my life goals, and trying to find balance in life. Now I'm creating a new online journal to add to my social support.
 
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Savagesauce

Member
Day 8

Yesterday I rewarded myself for getting a week free of porn by getting pizza with a friend. It has been a long time since I have put together any sort of streak like that. I am still struggling with fantasies. I see these as the "aftermath" of coming off of porn.

On a positive note, I read some recovery books, wrote in my journal, and mediated this morning. I am still keeping up my commitment of checking in daily with my accountability partner.

 
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changemylife

Guest
Man, your first post has definitely touched a chord in me. I have the same life. I'm in the same situation like you.
 
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mjery

Member
Savagesauce said:
Day 8

Yesterday I rewarded myself for getting a week free of porn by getting pizza with a friend. It has been a long time since I have put together any sort of streak like that. I am still struggling with fantasies. I see these as the "aftermath" of coming off of porn.

On a positive note, I read some recovery books, wrote in my journal, and mediated this morning. I am still keeping up my commitment of checking in daily with my accountability partner.
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Hey there,

I believe the fact that you are writing about your problem is a very great step. You know, when you read the story of other people you feel less alone. Because in the world outside, everyone tries to show that they've got no issues, everyone wants to be strong...But here, you find that all of us share same problems we hide.....So stay strong and push it as far as you are on your legs...
 
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Savagesauce

Member
Day 9

My main struggle is not porn so much now. I'm trying to find healthy sexuality again. I am dealing with fantasies and MO. I don't know what to do about them. I feel lost. I'm slowly figuring out that most of the fantasies that appear healthy at first are actually unhealthy and obsessive. I also don't know what to do with my sex drive if I don't have a partner currently. I'm trying to stop MO, but I'm torn about it. I would like to stop it completely right now if that were possible, but I just can't seem to do it right now.
 
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Savagesauce

Member
Day 1

Today I have been listening to several recovery podcasts during my spare time in order to remind myself of my desire to quit, and to maintain my motivation. I'm a little worried still about another relapse, but the tools I have been adopting today are reducing the odds of relapse a little bit. I also need to come clean My most recent slip was watching porn before work yesterday. It was a porn star that I noticed that I still have emotional attachment to. I notice how destructive my attachment is. It gets in the way of bonding with a real woman, and it changes my sexual preferences. I also need to admit that I started turning off my accountability software again when I was acting out. That's not honest, and it has to stop.
 
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changemylife

Guest
Savagesauce said:
Day 1

Today I have been listening to several recovery podcasts during my spare time in order to remind myself of my desire to quit, and to maintain my motivation. I'm a little worried still about another relapse, but the tools I have been adopting today are reducing the odds of relapse a little bit. I also need to come clean My most recent slip was watching porn before work yesterday. It was a porn star that I noticed that I still have emotional attachment to. I notice how destructive my attachment is. It gets in the way of bonding with a real woman, and it changes my sexual preferences. I also need to admit that I started turning off my accountability software again when I was acting out. That's not honest, and it has to stop.
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That's right, man. I always remind myself to listen and read from people who know better than me. It helps me learn and get motivated. It reinforces in me the idea that I can do it.
About porn stars, I also have this problem. But not the porn stars themselves, actually, but some certain scenes with them. I get surges only thinking about them and I hate how this porn addiction actually works. I wish it was like alcohol addiction when, of course I would get cravings if I imagined alcohol, but I could do nothing because alcohol is not around. However, when it comes to porn, I have those images in my mind that give me urges and I could masturbate to those images without watching porn. It's crazy cause sometimes I feel like I can't really stay away from it as long as it something you can do yourself, as long as it's not an external substance. Fuck! Why the fuck did I get hooked on this in the first place, for Christ's sake!
Being honest to yourself is an important step, indeed. Back in the days, I talked to someone on Skype, had urges, just signed out, abandoned the person just like that, to start masturbating to porn for 15 minutes before returning to Skype. Only my addiction mattered anymore. I would throw people out the window just to be with my porn or alcohol. I would drink while talking to my friend on Skype, without carrying that I became quarrelsome under the influence. But the thing is, I've graduated from that bullshit. I would do no more things like that. That's the point. We need to progress.
 
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Savagesauce

Member
Day 2

I'm feeling hopeful, motivated, but I'm also craving a little bit. My craving right now is about a 5/10. I'm dealing with the craving by putting on a recovery podcast.

Yesterday:
  • I worked for 2 hours updating my recovery plan.
  • I cleaned my kitchen.
  • I worked on Step 4 from SAA.

I'm still trying to work on coping with urges. I don't know how effective my strategy is in the long-run. I listened to a podcast about coping with urges, and the podcast host, who is a recovering porn addict, suggests using what he calls the "Three R's" of coping with urges: redirect, remind, and retreat. If an urge is about a 1-3 out of 10, he suggests simply redirecting the attention and focusing on something else. If an urge is a 4-6 out of 10, he suggests counter-arguing the urge and reminding yourself why porn is bad for you and why you want to stop. If an urge is any stronger, he suggests leaving the situation and calling or texting someone else in recovery. I am trying this approach right now, and I hope it works.
 
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changemylife

Guest
Savagesauce said:
Day 2
I listened to a podcast about coping with urges, and the podcast host, who is a recovering porn addict, suggests using what he calls the "Three R's" of coping with urges: redirect, remind, and retreat. If an urge is about a 1-3 out of 10, he suggests simply redirecting the attention and focusing on something else. If an urge is a 4-6 out of 10, he suggests counter-arguing the urge and reminding yourself why porn is bad for you and why you want to stop. I an urge is any stronger, he suggests leaving the situation and calling or texting someone else in recovery. I am trying this approach right now, and I hope it works.
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This is interesting.
 
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Savagesauce

Member
Day 3

I?m feeling hopeful about change because I have been practicing and learning how to cope with urges, still using the ?Three R?s? technique.

Here are some positive actions I have taken in the last 24 hours:
    ? Updated my Change Plan, and reduced it down to a single double-sided page.
    ? Worked hard at my pharmacy.
    ? Listened to recovery podcasts.

Here are some things I need to be accountable about:
    ? There?s a girl at work that I like, but I have a hard time connecting with her. I don?t know why. When I first met her, we talked quite a bit, and now I find myself being quiet around her.
    ? I took a bath this morning, and debated whether or not to MO. I ended up not doing it, but that was close.

Isolation and having problems in my dating life will be a big threat to recovery as time goes on. I will need help getting my dating situation back in order. I also need to address the problem of whether or not to allow MO. For now, I have decided to avoid MO if possible, but I will allow it if I get sexually frustrated enough, as long as I do it with low intensity and without fantasy.
 
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changemylife

Guest
That's right, man, this is the spirit. You have a plan. Stress, difficulties in life, loneliness and tones of other things make you want to PMO as a cope but fuck that! We don't need that because that's not the natural way of doing it. No alcohol, drugs or PMO as self-medication.
Anytime you feel like: "I want to PMO cause I feel down," You stop and re-think everything: "Fuck that, I don't need this shit! Let's see what doesn't work in my life and how could I fix it."
 
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Savagesauce

Member
Day 4

I am in a rush. Today?s check in will be short.

I am slightly groggy today from oversleeping. I slept from about 9:45pm to 10am, so that is too much sleep. I do this sometimes when I am coming off of porn. I need to set multiple alarms again. Despite my grogginess, I am highly optimistic and hopeful. I think my strategy will work this time. I am confident I can cope with my urges.

Positive actions within the last 24 hours:
    ? Worked on my pharmacy technician training
    ? Bought food for my work?s upcoming potluck
    ? Did a bit of self-inventory work
    ? Continued check-ins and daily tracking
    ? Didn?t MO after waking up

Negative actions within the last 24 hours:
    ? Slept for almost 12 hours
    ? Didn?t make any phone calls
    ? Didn?t buy Christmas presents
    ? Accidentally created schedule conflicts between different stores I work at

Oversleeping is a very dangerous sign for me. I can get extremely groggy and not think clearly. I need to address it ASAP.
 
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Savagesauce

Member
Day 0

I relapsed today. I circumvented my accountability software, and PMOd twice. Beforehand, I set a consequence of having to pay $300 to a charity I dislike, and since I slipped today, I enforced it. It hurt to pay that much money. I also manually edited my accountability logs with my actual web activity, and sent that updated version to my accountability partners and coach. There is no getting away with PMO.

My device accountability log (safe version):
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1K4okQwlc3i7Ggqf-yPP8kEjYm1J-8Y77
 
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