Return to Nature

15December18

15December18

Member
It's day 70. I feel like I'm flying. I am truly happy. Not just because I'm less than three weeks from the milestone. Honestly ever since I started this journey it has been better, my life, in general. I am strong. I am happy. I am good. The porn addiction was always my secret shame, and now I'm clean of it.

I hit two nasty flatlines, the last one was a few weeks ago. The past few days I have been very happy, and half expecting a future flatline. It hasn't come though, and I don't believe it will. The sexual energy is largely being transmuted into creative writing. I finished an essay in two days, the actual writing part at least, now it simply needs clearing up.

The last 70 days have been fruitful. Not PMOing has brought some problems to the fore which so far I have tackled and dealt with very satisfyingly. I am really excited for the future and all it holds in store for me. Things are lining up for me. A lot of these posts are concerned with my relations to women and the possibility of a girlfriend. I have learned to relax about that, to love myself and improve myself as best I can. I have never had so much attention from women, and...I don't really care. I am fully realising my masculinity within myself, and everyone around me senses it.

Life shines with a newborn beauty. I am feeling a lot of love for my family, and making the most of my time with them. I am spiritually solid. To the woman of 15 December 2018: Thank you.
 
R

Rebooter2019

Active Member
Awesome man! I'm really happy to see your progress! Keep going and you will prevail!! Once you're free never get back to it, my friend!!
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Day 71. I literally leapt out of bed this  morning and crashed into the day. I am reassured by the fact that PIED will be cured eventually if it isn't already. And let me say for sure that when I am having sex with the woman of my dreams, I will not take it for granted. I am going to enjoy our bodies locking together because I will never forget the feeling of being impotent with a woman. Never. The healing continues men. We walk together towards victory.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Day 74. I was very lustful today. I felt very much the man down there. I felt aggressive today, maybe because I was stressed due to an essay. But I feel powerful in general. Walking around college with everyone looking at me, seeing my self-respecting posture and steady gaze.

I care less about seeing an attractive girl; I used to get all lovey and excited but now I just walk on - I have things to do and looking at a girl from afar gets you no where. That said I have started taking great pleasure in the female form. Porn takes a few obvious body parts and exaggerates them to foolish proportions. I got so used to seeing plastic and botox that I never took notice of a lovely set of legs, or a small but cute bottom. Now I appreciate new things feminine such as the grace in a young lady's stride or a sparkling pair of eyes. Even a soft and delicate voice. I'm in my masculine so I hope I can bring out the inner feminine in girls. There is pressure on girls to be stronger, louder more vulgar in these strange times. I think by really centring ourselves in our masculinity we can help overcome the Dragon-Animus side of Woman and awake the Sleeping-Anima. Does PMO reduce your manliness? Yes. Do girls need fragile men who are overcome with emotion due to leaking all their testosterone into a sock with their hand that morning? I think not.

I know what kind of woman I want.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Day 75, a hallmark day due to the fact it marks the midpoint between 2/3 and the finish line.

Isn't it funny that this is a website whereon very disciplined men describe their penile functions in great detail? Anyway it looks like we're back in business boys. Brave and bold erections when I want because of this journey as well as other benefits from this journey - gyming, eating well, sleeping well, great lionlike confidence and more than enough energy.

I'm going to continue on hard mode till day 90. Then I'll see what's happening in terms of real life intercourse. One thing I know for sure is that I won't be using my fucking wretched hand or miserable fake videos to get me off. I shall enjoy my body and Her body.

God bless the reboot. Let's rewire our messed up reward systems. Return To Nature! I recently found out that Henry David Thoreau used the same phrase. What would that wilderness loving genius have thought of the men of the world wanking their life-force away the night long and breaking their masculinity? I shiver to think.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Day 79. I've hit a flatline, a wall. Cravings are very strong. Mood is low. I've been feeling demotivated and deenergised for a few days now. I guess I'll just push through the pain. I'm not going to break my streak, to set myself back to day 1. I'm off college this week, and I feel a little lost as to what to do. My routine has been unexpectedly broken.

I am not going to watch porn today. I am not going to masturbate today. I am not going to orgasm today. Because it is day 79 and I will be trading five minutes of impulsive lust-driven pleasure for seventy nine amazing days of self-growth.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Just read through all of my post from Day 1 to Day 79. I feel better. Writing about this stuff is really important. You create a structure which will hold you up in times of weakness.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Day 82. Feeling good again. Feeling strong, feeling masculine. Into the single figures now. Just over a week left till that 90 days and I'm free to try out my willy again, by myself and with a girl. I suppose I'd have to find a willing candidate. All good. I had a dream the last day where I broke the streak. It didn't and doesn't reflect reality. There's so much to experience solely in the realm of sexuality. I've seen most of it at this point. SEEN. I've watched other men whose cocks actually work fuck other women, other beautiful women to whom I was immensely attracted, visually at least. I'm not going to be that guy anymore, the guy who watches men have sex. There's a certain amount of cuckoldry in't.

I have things I want to do sexually. I can't do most of those things with my reward system broken by excessive use of pornography. As far as I know from the videos on this site, if I keep away from porn and artificial stimulation in general, my body will be healed.

It probably wouldn't be any harm to get a sexual release...I got into a fight the last day, and am feeling quite aggressive. Currently listening to Metallica in fact because all of my pre-nofap songs were kind of weak and feminine. Shit about girls not loving you back etc. Now that I have shifted that life-killing devil off my dick I need something with a bit more kick.

Eight more days. Till I hit that golden ninety. And my reboot is officially done. I'm not going to watch porn today. I'm not going to masturbate today. I'm not going to orgasm today. :)
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Day 83. I'm proud of myself for getting this far. Something that helps is going back over the science behind this rebooting process time and time again. Learning about the battle between the reward centre and the rational part of the brain helps. There are three friends with whom I have shared my journey. I met one of them last night. We talk a lot about sex, in a mostly non-horny way. He has been a lot of help to me. Something I have started doing is getting myself used to the sensation of penetration. I have an empty tissue box which is conveniently shaped. Maybe part of my problem is the fear of the unknown, of penetration. It's so dark and mysterious down there, so alien and complex. The main problem however is quite simple, I need to maintain arousal. And a naked woman should be stimulation enough for a young hot-blooded heterosexual young man.

This day next week will be day 90. I am very pleased with myself for making it this far. I was always going to have the experience I had - erectile dysfunction with a girl, it was just a question of when and with whom. It could have been with a girl I had liked for years, it could have been with a girl who knew me and would have told everyone. In truth the woman I lay flaccid beside was not that nice or sympathetic, but she definitely wasn't mean or malicious. She was just a little cold and disinterested. Plus she was going back to her home country two days after so thankfully I'll never see her again.

I learnt from my mistakes (excessive porn use) and now I am a week off 90 days reboot mark. I'm not as weak as I was.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
It is day 85. I'm going to make it to 90. I think I'll allow myself a release, without artificial stimulation of course, and then carry on. I go about my business, tend to my daily duties and am not caught up about girls. If I am in the gym, I concentrate on the exercise I'm doing; today a woman seemed to be trying to catch my eye on the mats but I just kept on doing my crunches. I thought about it and realised that nothing has ever come out of staring at girls in the gym, the gym is not an ideal place to approach. So when in the gym I gym. Also when walking on the street, I pay little attention to women going by. There is very little point in fantasizing, it'll just make you horny and lonely. And desperate. Then when I am out drinking I actually approach women. Confine your lustfulness to when there is a real chance of simply talking to the girl in question.

The fact that I was able to cut porn out of my life means that I can do anything. I tried five or six times to quit before this streak. Writing this journal really helped. I can't talk to most of my friends about my PIED so being able to share without judgement and ridicule with everyone here has been so helpful. The average guy can watch porn and have sex and just have a normal life while enjoying those videos.  Not me. Not us. We're recovering alcoholics who live above a pub. Porn is literally a click away. My addiction is a click away. But I am stronger than my addiction. Porn fucked me up. I can't have porn and have a functioning penis. Which is it going to be? The corrupt culture which has me wanking away my masculinity to disgusting videos or Nature which would have me able to reproduce and enjoy the bounty of Woman in real life. 5 days left of rewiring. All the way boys.
 
Pete McVries

Pete McVries

Active Member
Inspiring...

Just a thought: Reconsider of giving yourself a release. I mean, why would you? What is there to gain for you? Did you have wet dreams in your reboot? How did they make you feel? What I felt after having two wet dreams in my current reboot was that I felt incredibly lonely afterwards. You know, I wanted to cuddle and snuggle with a girl I trust and have feelings for but there was no one. Also, the Chaser Effect is real and you might start a momentum that will be hard to stop. My last wet dream was 5 days ago and for 4 days I was struggling immensly with the thought of relapsing and stuff like that. So yeah, please think it through. I wouldn't want to see you relapse because you're doing so great.

All the best!
 
15December18

15December18

Member
Thank you for your advice Peter. I will take it into serious consideration. I intend to give myself a release first and foremost as a reward, 90 days was the goal, and also to make sure everything is working down there. Erections are very strong. Energy is high. Yeah I will give it some serious consideration, I wouldn't want to be slouching around depressed because I released sexual energy on day 91, which is a big days sportswise. And girlswise. It's day 88 now. I believe that this experience as a whole has seen me transition from boyhood to manhood. I feel strong and centred in my masculinity now. I know what I want, I know what I stand for and crucially I know who I am.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
It is day 89. Cutting porn out of my life is the best decision I have ever made. I always had moral qualms about the practice, especially since I watched some hard core stuff from an early age. I remember my dad warning me about the dangers of porn in an indirect way about five years ago. I didn't heed his advice and paid the price for it. And I think the price has been paid, I suffered humiliation 89 days ago and then I voluntarily denied myself the pleasures of the incognito tab.

I will never forget this journey. This hero's journey.
 
15December18

15December18

Member
I have passed the point of no return. It is day 91 today, I did it. I don't feel ecstatic, it's more of a quiet pride. A knowledge of my strength. A disdain for my old self and his wretched habits. I sit before my computer as I did three months ago. But now my brain is rewired. There's the difference. I am a great believer in ritual so early this morning I allowed my self a release, pretty much exactly 90 days since my last one, which was completed with the use of porn. My willy took some time waking up, but once it did it was very nice. It felt like my first wank again, except this time I did not use porn. I don't have any desire to masturbate again at the moment. I hope to leave masturbation in the past and find a woman with whom to do it. I will. I'll take the opportunities when they come. And even if I fail once again when next with a woman, I know it is only a matter of time and patience before I truly return to nature.

This has been a hero's journey for me. The best decision I have ever made. I don't know what is next on my path but I do know that the past three months have been abundant in blessings.

I know who I am
I know what I am not
I know what I want
I am done reliving the past
I am done feeling guilty

I speak the Truth
I try to be Noble

No more masks for me
No more conscious personae
No more deadwood
I am true to myself

God bless.

Yours truly,

15 December 2018.
 
vince75

vince75

Active Member
Hey man! Just read your entire journal, super inspiring! Keep it up and beware of the chaser effect after that release.
I identify with a lot of what you told (especially the part about running home on your own while going out, could never really figure out why myself!).
Let's be strong, and focus on real experiences.
Again, congrats!
 
15December18

15December18

Member
It's day 110. Although I told myself I was done on day 90, I knew this was the actual finish date. This was the first number of days I came across the morning after my fall. I knew I had to get to day 110. And now I am here. I am a different person now. I'm a man. I was an adolescent. This reboot is the best thing I have ever done. My life is so much better. I could go on about how great things are for me now but I won't, I've done enough of that in the past. That last message on day 90 was supposed to be the end, but I had a niggling feeling afterwards that I hadn't quite finished. My PIED is cured as far as I'm concerned. I haven't tried to have sex because I realise for the first time in my life that I want intimacy and love, not a re-enactment of pornographic movies. But I can feel that it's fixed. I just know. I have very very little desire to watch porn. Maybe a 2/10 in terms of desire. Which is fine, the fact that there is a remaining temptation will keep my armoury well-stocked. I have little desire to masturbate either, it seems pathetic to me that I jerked myself off daily for years. So I'm done with that particular past-time. A lot of unpleasant aspects of my life have come to an end. I have cleared my heart of a number of girls who lingered there for years. I'm a free man. I'm going to do the Future Authouring program after this, a perfect way to start the next phase of my life. Goodbye my fellow fapstronauts. It has been a pleasure. I'm going away for a year, I feel like I have grown out of my home city, and even my country. The wide world awaits, and with this hero's journey behind me, I am ready to let a woman love me.
 
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