P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 87
Urge Level: 0
3 To Go! Calm seas this morning, feel positive.
In my sights.
Later Dudes
Urge Level: 0
3 To Go! Calm seas this morning, feel positive.
In my sights.
Later Dudes
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 88
Urge Level: 0
2 To Go! Temptations show up everywhere because that's life. Dealing with them quickly and decisively is the solution. White flag coming out tomorrow. Wah-Hoo!
In it to win it.
Later Dudes
Urge Level: 0
2 To Go! Temptations show up everywhere because that's life. Dealing with them quickly and decisively is the solution. White flag coming out tomorrow. Wah-Hoo!
In it to win it.
Later Dudes
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 89
Urge Level: 0
HE TAKES THE WHITE FLAG, 1 Lap To Go! End of last year I thought I'd never make it back here, but through the power of prayer and faith in Jesus Christ my life and heart have changed. I'm still a work in progress, I take each day one at a time, but if I continue to do as I should this war is won and victory is mine.
In it to win it.
Later Dudes
Urge Level: 0
HE TAKES THE WHITE FLAG, 1 Lap To Go! End of last year I thought I'd never make it back here, but through the power of prayer and faith in Jesus Christ my life and heart have changed. I'm still a work in progress, I take each day one at a time, but if I continue to do as I should this war is won and victory is mine.
In it to win it.
Later Dudes
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 90 3/27/2019
Urge Level: 0
HE TAKES THE CHECKERED FLAG! 90 days ago this seemed a mountain too tough to climb, I had 40 years of failure and defeat behind me with a best effort of 128 days sober. Now I?m 90 days from a new start, not a clean 100% trip, I lost my footing for 3 days, I took my eye off the ball, but I?m pushing on to greater heights. I still feel the occasional urge, but I quickly put them away, like scripture says to do, ?take every thought captive?. I?m NOT claiming a ?HARD90? I know I don?t deserve that title as I?ve continued having sex with my wife and I willfully gave into to selfish behavior for 3 straight days. After the first day I fell into despair and thought to myself, ?What does it matter, I?ve failed again?? Then on the third day it came to me that maybe all wasn?t lost and quit beating myself up. I came clean, climbing back on my metaphoric horse and re-entered the derby. PMO is no joke, the cycle can be tough to break, but not impossible.
The old neural pathway, the PMO off ramp of selfish escapism pleasure exists in my brain, that I can not change. What I can do is avoid taking that off ramp at all costs, just drive right by and look for a better one. With time that old exit ramp will fall into disrepair and will no longer be an appealing destination. The lights WILL go out, the weeds WILL grow up and the sign WILL fade and before too long you?ll wonder why we ever got off at that terrible run down place.
I must remember to consciously take new exits to healthier more righteous destinations and with every trip they will become brighter and shinier as PMO withers and fades.
In it to win it.
Later Dudes
Urge Level: 0
HE TAKES THE CHECKERED FLAG! 90 days ago this seemed a mountain too tough to climb, I had 40 years of failure and defeat behind me with a best effort of 128 days sober. Now I?m 90 days from a new start, not a clean 100% trip, I lost my footing for 3 days, I took my eye off the ball, but I?m pushing on to greater heights. I still feel the occasional urge, but I quickly put them away, like scripture says to do, ?take every thought captive?. I?m NOT claiming a ?HARD90? I know I don?t deserve that title as I?ve continued having sex with my wife and I willfully gave into to selfish behavior for 3 straight days. After the first day I fell into despair and thought to myself, ?What does it matter, I?ve failed again?? Then on the third day it came to me that maybe all wasn?t lost and quit beating myself up. I came clean, climbing back on my metaphoric horse and re-entered the derby. PMO is no joke, the cycle can be tough to break, but not impossible.
The old neural pathway, the PMO off ramp of selfish escapism pleasure exists in my brain, that I can not change. What I can do is avoid taking that off ramp at all costs, just drive right by and look for a better one. With time that old exit ramp will fall into disrepair and will no longer be an appealing destination. The lights WILL go out, the weeds WILL grow up and the sign WILL fade and before too long you?ll wonder why we ever got off at that terrible run down place.
I must remember to consciously take new exits to healthier more righteous destinations and with every trip they will become brighter and shinier as PMO withers and fades.
In it to win it.
Later Dudes
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 01 "The Next 90"
Urge Level: 0
Weight: 263.2
Blood Pressure: 152/91
Heart rate: 83
The Next 90... 2 days ago I finished my initial 90 days, they weren't an official "HARD90" like I wanted, but I did stay committed to doing 90 days total, minus the 3 days where I went crazy. So I've been playing at doing a 40+ day water only fast ever since I came back to RN, but that proved a hill to tough to climb simultaneously while resisting PMO. I've had countless day #1's, but the best I've been able to muster is 4 days in a row and that was summer time a year ago. During the course of this I've discovered I perform much better when I have goals, a target, something to aim at, so I'm now ready to focus on my "Next 90". For this my goal is a minimum of 40 days of water only, plus a supplement to keep my electrolytes in check so my heart doesn't get distressed and take me out. Right now I'm 263.2 pounds, my goal weight is 185, but weight isn't all I'm going for, I want to reboot my health, I've eaten poorly for a couple of decades and watched the weight pile on bit by bit, but with what I've learned while rebooting from PMO, it is all related.
In my studies I discovered that using PMO the way I did wasn't just effecting my sexual performance or my relationship to my wife it was touching everything about me. PMO causes depression, it causes impulsive behavior which leads to poor food choices and bad spending habits and on and on. So PMO has indirectly contributed to my weight gain and my debt problems too.
We are currently in the process of remodeling my grand parents house to make it livable again and then selling our current home to free up our cash flow so we can pay off all our debts. So my "Next 90" is a combination of Water fasting, an actual consecutive "HARD 90" and getting moved into our new home and hopefully selling our current one. Piece of cake.(LOL) I'm starting the counter today as I'm making it official this morning. The 90 after that will be a we'll just have to wait and see, but I want it to be a focus on debt. So you may not be interested in my post-PMO progress, but I've found utility in RN for more of my life than just the PMO.
Going forward responses are welcome.
In it to win it.
Urge Level: 0
Weight: 263.2
Blood Pressure: 152/91
Heart rate: 83
The Next 90... 2 days ago I finished my initial 90 days, they weren't an official "HARD90" like I wanted, but I did stay committed to doing 90 days total, minus the 3 days where I went crazy. So I've been playing at doing a 40+ day water only fast ever since I came back to RN, but that proved a hill to tough to climb simultaneously while resisting PMO. I've had countless day #1's, but the best I've been able to muster is 4 days in a row and that was summer time a year ago. During the course of this I've discovered I perform much better when I have goals, a target, something to aim at, so I'm now ready to focus on my "Next 90". For this my goal is a minimum of 40 days of water only, plus a supplement to keep my electrolytes in check so my heart doesn't get distressed and take me out. Right now I'm 263.2 pounds, my goal weight is 185, but weight isn't all I'm going for, I want to reboot my health, I've eaten poorly for a couple of decades and watched the weight pile on bit by bit, but with what I've learned while rebooting from PMO, it is all related.
In my studies I discovered that using PMO the way I did wasn't just effecting my sexual performance or my relationship to my wife it was touching everything about me. PMO causes depression, it causes impulsive behavior which leads to poor food choices and bad spending habits and on and on. So PMO has indirectly contributed to my weight gain and my debt problems too.
We are currently in the process of remodeling my grand parents house to make it livable again and then selling our current home to free up our cash flow so we can pay off all our debts. So my "Next 90" is a combination of Water fasting, an actual consecutive "HARD 90" and getting moved into our new home and hopefully selling our current one. Piece of cake.(LOL) I'm starting the counter today as I'm making it official this morning. The 90 after that will be a we'll just have to wait and see, but I want it to be a focus on debt. So you may not be interested in my post-PMO progress, but I've found utility in RN for more of my life than just the PMO.
Going forward responses are welcome.
In it to win it.
40-yearsOnVideoPorn
Member
I?ve discovered through this process that the problem isn?t porn, per se, the problem is with our selves. The problem of porn is the problem of taking responsibility. Recovery is about responsibility for resolving our deeper issues. Once we try to stop the porn behavior, all this does is bring us face-to-face with our deeper issues.
Money, Food & Sex. There was a spiritual teacher in California during the last decades of the 20th century named Bubba Free John. He changed his name every other year until his death and he was an awfully odd character, but he gave this interesting talk about money, food & sex being the big stumbling blocks his new devotees would always struggle with when they began learning meditation practices.
Money, food & sex was like a mantra in the community and considered the very basics of getting your life in order before learning to live a meditative life. The Master?s whole point was how are you going consider matters of the heart and spiritual enlightenment if you are stuck on your issues with money, food and sex?
It was an interesting point and left everyone really taking a long, hard look at how they handle their own relationship with money, food & sex.
One last point, when people in the community started droning on about their problems, the Master would always sweep the board clean with three words: ?Money, Food & Sex.? He was reducing these seemingly complex problems to their simplest form. He was continually referring to taking responsibility for your basic self?s issues before you start trying to waste his time learning more advanced meditation practices. He wanted his beginning students to focus on that first, then only level up when they were ready. The problem was, very few in the general public ever succeed in gaining control of money food and sex. The ones who could, became part of a class of people known has his ?mature devotees.?
They were the one?s who could handle the more advanced practice of sitting in silent meditation for a total of 10-hours a day, for 10 days straight. People who haven?t handled their deeper issues can?t tolerate that kind of lifestyle. I never could. That?s why I?m here and not there I guess... lol
Money, Food & Sex. There was a spiritual teacher in California during the last decades of the 20th century named Bubba Free John. He changed his name every other year until his death and he was an awfully odd character, but he gave this interesting talk about money, food & sex being the big stumbling blocks his new devotees would always struggle with when they began learning meditation practices.
Money, food & sex was like a mantra in the community and considered the very basics of getting your life in order before learning to live a meditative life. The Master?s whole point was how are you going consider matters of the heart and spiritual enlightenment if you are stuck on your issues with money, food and sex?
It was an interesting point and left everyone really taking a long, hard look at how they handle their own relationship with money, food & sex.
One last point, when people in the community started droning on about their problems, the Master would always sweep the board clean with three words: ?Money, Food & Sex.? He was reducing these seemingly complex problems to their simplest form. He was continually referring to taking responsibility for your basic self?s issues before you start trying to waste his time learning more advanced meditation practices. He wanted his beginning students to focus on that first, then only level up when they were ready. The problem was, very few in the general public ever succeed in gaining control of money food and sex. The ones who could, became part of a class of people known has his ?mature devotees.?
They were the one?s who could handle the more advanced practice of sitting in silent meditation for a total of 10-hours a day, for 10 days straight. People who haven?t handled their deeper issues can?t tolerate that kind of lifestyle. I never could. That?s why I?m here and not there I guess... lol
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 00 "The Next 90"
Urge Level: 0
Weight: 263.2
Blood Pressure: 152/91
Heart rate: 83
The Next 90... Well this was intended to be day 3 of my water fast, but in my zeal to get that started I made a mistake and didn't prepare my body ahead of time, so late Friday evening after having gone the whole day with only water I push mowed my yard which is reasonably flat. During my mowing I noticed my perspiring was kinda strange, only my lower body was sweating and not very much and It was taking considerably more effort to push the mower, even more than during my previous fast attempts. I completed the mowing and I was completely exhausted, but I felt good, kinda euphoric, if that makes any sense. I went to bed early thinking I would sleep wonderfully, but I tossed and turned all night, my heart raced at times and had bouts with being hot and cold with strange tingling sensations. I've experienced these symptoms before and realized I was dehydrated, even though I'd consumed a good bit of water on Friday. What I hadn't considered was in the days leading up to my water fast I'd been drinking a lot of diet soda's and this had left me dehydrated. So I pulled off my water fast immediately and have spent the weekend focusing on re-hydrating before beginning again on Monday. I've Been consuming pink salt for electrolytes and sugar free poweraides and lite eating. Fasting is no joke and I should've known better than to just jump in without prep time. The target is Monday, but id I'm not ready I'll hold off till I am.
Going forward responses are welcome.
In it to win it.
Urge Level: 0
Weight: 263.2
Blood Pressure: 152/91
Heart rate: 83
The Next 90... Well this was intended to be day 3 of my water fast, but in my zeal to get that started I made a mistake and didn't prepare my body ahead of time, so late Friday evening after having gone the whole day with only water I push mowed my yard which is reasonably flat. During my mowing I noticed my perspiring was kinda strange, only my lower body was sweating and not very much and It was taking considerably more effort to push the mower, even more than during my previous fast attempts. I completed the mowing and I was completely exhausted, but I felt good, kinda euphoric, if that makes any sense. I went to bed early thinking I would sleep wonderfully, but I tossed and turned all night, my heart raced at times and had bouts with being hot and cold with strange tingling sensations. I've experienced these symptoms before and realized I was dehydrated, even though I'd consumed a good bit of water on Friday. What I hadn't considered was in the days leading up to my water fast I'd been drinking a lot of diet soda's and this had left me dehydrated. So I pulled off my water fast immediately and have spent the weekend focusing on re-hydrating before beginning again on Monday. I've Been consuming pink salt for electrolytes and sugar free poweraides and lite eating. Fasting is no joke and I should've known better than to just jump in without prep time. The target is Monday, but id I'm not ready I'll hold off till I am.
Going forward responses are welcome.
In it to win it.
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 01 "The Next 90"
Urge Level: 0
Weight: 263.2
Blood Pressure: 152/91
Heart rate: 83
Its Monday and I feel ready for another go at the water fast. Spent the weekend focused on hydrating and I'm psyche'd to get this next phase underway. Sorry for the false start Friday, but Water fasting is tricky and if not done properly can be dangerous. On the PMO front I feel good too, no desire to go back to the old life. Worked hard all weekend on the reno and making good progress. its 9:50am and I'm on my 4th water. 8)
In it to win it.
Urge Level: 0
Weight: 263.2
Blood Pressure: 152/91
Heart rate: 83
Its Monday and I feel ready for another go at the water fast. Spent the weekend focused on hydrating and I'm psyche'd to get this next phase underway. Sorry for the false start Friday, but Water fasting is tricky and if not done properly can be dangerous. On the PMO front I feel good too, no desire to go back to the old life. Worked hard all weekend on the reno and making good progress. its 9:50am and I'm on my 4th water. 8)
In it to win it.
Rex
Active Member
Prodigal son said:
Prodigal son,
You are doing great! Keep remaining vigilant, you'll find in this second 90 day period that it will become second nature to stay clean. I really noticed this in the second 90 day period (3 to 6 month period). The temptations and urges will still be there but they won't have the sting or the pull they once had but they will be different. It's hard to describe, it's kind of like a thief who has stolen from your house by using the front door, after you really secure the front door, the thief wants to keep coming back and robbing the house however the thief then tries to climb on the roof and slip in a second story window, if that doesn't work the theif tries the garage. You'll notice the temptations for PMO will get this way as you get further away from PMO, eventually the thief gives up and goes to another house. As long as you remain vigilant and continue the daily prayer life, you are ready for these temptations and will successful swat them away.
Keep up the great work!
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Thanks Rex, I appreciate the advice and encouragement, it really helps and I know you are right. Looking forward to the day he moves on to the next house, he's been knocking on my door far too long.Rex said:
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 08 "The Next 90"
Urge Level: 0
It's Monday and I'm giving the water fast another go starting today. Spent the weekend installing sheet rock in our renovation project and have just been crazy busy, but good busy. Every time it seems I clear the schedule so I can be sure I don't have anything to physically labor intensive to do, something comes up and makes the dedication required for the beginning of this fast, out of the question.
In regards to PMO, I'm good, very very good. Last night I was using my tablet and came across a nude image of a young lady that physically, she "checks all my boxes", but instead of being triggered my first thought was, "Oh that's gross and kinda sad, that poor girl...". In that very instant I clicked away, it felt so natural to just leave it behind and to feel sadness for the model instead of desire, I genuinely hate that she feels like she needs to do that.
God is actively changing my heart, day by day, it truly is awesome and something I never thought possible without risking losing my sex drive all together, but I was wrong. PMO now seems so pointless and sad, but my wife fills me with desire and love. PMO's shame is a distant memory I never need experience again, I have all I need. PMO promises pleasure in just a few clicks, but it is a fleeting pleasure attached to shame and destruction. Real relations requires work, effort and invested time to have, but I can attest, "The Thrill is really in the chase" and the fruit of these labors is far sweeter and satisfying than PMO could ever offer.
For anyone curious check out 1 Corinthians 10:13 and 1 John 1:9, its kinda the foundation of where I started from this time to gain a life of true victory instead of gritting my teeth and feeling like a caged animal 24/7. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. As a safe guard I do still have my 'Pluckeye"(highly recommended) installed on my desktop, because I am still a flesh and blood man and can be tempted to stumble if I ever take my eye off the ball, we all can.
In it to win it.
Urge Level: 0
It's Monday and I'm giving the water fast another go starting today. Spent the weekend installing sheet rock in our renovation project and have just been crazy busy, but good busy. Every time it seems I clear the schedule so I can be sure I don't have anything to physically labor intensive to do, something comes up and makes the dedication required for the beginning of this fast, out of the question.
In regards to PMO, I'm good, very very good. Last night I was using my tablet and came across a nude image of a young lady that physically, she "checks all my boxes", but instead of being triggered my first thought was, "Oh that's gross and kinda sad, that poor girl...". In that very instant I clicked away, it felt so natural to just leave it behind and to feel sadness for the model instead of desire, I genuinely hate that she feels like she needs to do that.
God is actively changing my heart, day by day, it truly is awesome and something I never thought possible without risking losing my sex drive all together, but I was wrong. PMO now seems so pointless and sad, but my wife fills me with desire and love. PMO's shame is a distant memory I never need experience again, I have all I need. PMO promises pleasure in just a few clicks, but it is a fleeting pleasure attached to shame and destruction. Real relations requires work, effort and invested time to have, but I can attest, "The Thrill is really in the chase" and the fruit of these labors is far sweeter and satisfying than PMO could ever offer.
For anyone curious check out 1 Corinthians 10:13 and 1 John 1:9, its kinda the foundation of where I started from this time to gain a life of true victory instead of gritting my teeth and feeling like a caged animal 24/7. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. As a safe guard I do still have my 'Pluckeye"(highly recommended) installed on my desktop, because I am still a flesh and blood man and can be tempted to stumble if I ever take my eye off the ball, we all can.
In it to win it.
P
Prodigal son
Guest
Day 27 "The Next 90"
Urge Level: 0....(kinda)
Well its been a few, I still havent managed to get my water fast off the ground again, just a day here and there. What makes it difficult is you arent suppose to do any strenuous activity while water fasting and we are still reno'ing a house, which can be strenuous. On top of that spring jumped into action and the usual chores associated with grass and yard work keep me from full commitment without risking hurting myself or worse. Enough on that.
As to the PMO, I'm good, its a total of 120 days since making my commitment to quitting and staying clean. Had a couple of bumps along the way, but it gets easier. Even though I'm technically past the "90 day" reboot phase I still experience thoughts, temptations and urges, but... Whats cool is now I see whats happening and deal with it before it becomes an issue. In years gone by I'd have a thought ease into my head and instead of dealing with it, I'd let it stay and play with it. Soon I'd find myself in FULL ON desperation and PMO is a forgone conclusion at that point.
Take this morning, I was cleaning up in the laundry room and suddenly I was remembering a conversation I had with a female coworker, 7 YEARS AGO! This coworker was just my type and the conversation we had was of a sexual nature. Suddenly in mid memory my mind tapped me on the shoulder and asked me, "Why are you thinking about this?". I literally stopped in my tracks, realized if I continued reliving the experience I risked getting worked up and making a mistake, so I stopped it right then. This was cool, the break through I've been praying for, that I'd recognize when my thoughts had taken a wrong turn before I get all worked up and desperate.
That's really the key isn't it? To be able to short the circuit in time so we don't go over the edge. Hallelujah! Y'all have a blessed day.
In it to win it.
Urge Level: 0....(kinda)
Well its been a few, I still havent managed to get my water fast off the ground again, just a day here and there. What makes it difficult is you arent suppose to do any strenuous activity while water fasting and we are still reno'ing a house, which can be strenuous. On top of that spring jumped into action and the usual chores associated with grass and yard work keep me from full commitment without risking hurting myself or worse. Enough on that.
As to the PMO, I'm good, its a total of 120 days since making my commitment to quitting and staying clean. Had a couple of bumps along the way, but it gets easier. Even though I'm technically past the "90 day" reboot phase I still experience thoughts, temptations and urges, but... Whats cool is now I see whats happening and deal with it before it becomes an issue. In years gone by I'd have a thought ease into my head and instead of dealing with it, I'd let it stay and play with it. Soon I'd find myself in FULL ON desperation and PMO is a forgone conclusion at that point.
Take this morning, I was cleaning up in the laundry room and suddenly I was remembering a conversation I had with a female coworker, 7 YEARS AGO! This coworker was just my type and the conversation we had was of a sexual nature. Suddenly in mid memory my mind tapped me on the shoulder and asked me, "Why are you thinking about this?". I literally stopped in my tracks, realized if I continued reliving the experience I risked getting worked up and making a mistake, so I stopped it right then. This was cool, the break through I've been praying for, that I'd recognize when my thoughts had taken a wrong turn before I get all worked up and desperate.
That's really the key isn't it? To be able to short the circuit in time so we don't go over the edge. Hallelujah! Y'all have a blessed day.
In it to win it.
Prodigal son said:
Thanks for sharing this Prodigal Son. Looks to me like a great example of how the work you?ve done has paid off and you?ve re-wired yourself to pause and reflect and to step away from the edge. Wishing you the best for the next 90, the 90 after that and so on.....
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
Really happy to see you going from strength to strength, PS. What I take from reading your journal is that people take different routes to success, but the key is evolving the ability for the logical, values-based, part of our brains to intervene when the emotional, primitive, part of the brain tries to take control. I really respect what you've achieved with your combination of spirituality, technology and self-discipline. More power to you.