Trekking to Freedom

[BigMog]

Well it?s Saturday night and the rest of the family are in bed. I?ve been a bit under the weather for a few days, not sure whether it?s a virus or I?ve just eaten something that?s disagreed with me. Pressure has mounted again at work and tonight I?m feeling triggered and found myself beginning to look for things I should stay away from.
Hence, I?ve come here to log it in the hope that by doing that it helps me to come to my senses. I?m on a 15 day streak and I haven?t got past about 20 days for the last eight months. I really want to get back on track.
I?ll do a few chores and then head to bed.
Keep trekking everyone.

 

[warp4]

Hey Mog, hope you are still trekking along.  Best to you.

 

[BigMog]

Hi Warp,
Many thanks for checking in on me. Yes I?m still here, though sometimes it feels like I?m taking two steps forward and one step back!
I?ve completed seven days and things are going ok with no urges and I?m glad to have finished work for Christmas. My stress from work has reduced in recent weeks  and I seem to have had a good appraisal from management so that helps me feel good about myself.
Stress and despondency seem to be triggers but sometimes I?m triggered for no particular reason. The random triggers tend to happen when I?ve been clean for around a couple of weeks and are harder to cope with if I haven?t been meditating and keeping vigilant. It?s almost as if I forget that I have a PMO problem and slip down into the funnel without taking stock. Anyway I?m trying to keep busy, focused and vigilant and nurturing myself to keep on the straight and narrow.
I?ve also made even more barriers to easily accessing porn which at least give me a bit more time to come to my senses if I?m triggered.
Keep trekking everyone!

 

[joepanic]

Hey Big Mog


    glad to see your really thinking about thing  Its Saturday  what do ya have planned tfor the day  what things you always wanted to do but lossed out on because of P  Think of a few and go and do 1  Think outside the box if you need to  Think about how later today you can look back on the day and say "hey  I had just the kind of day I always wanted "

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[BigMog]

Thanks Joe,

I?m still trekking. Yes, thanks for the good advice; I?m aiming to use each day well. I usually have a list of tasks but also more pleasurable or nurturing activities to ensure I stay occupied and on the straight and narrow.

Best wishes to all for Christmas and New Year.

Keep Trekking!

10 Days Clean.

 

[BigMog]

I did a review of how many lapses I?ve had and how much time I?ve spent in the grip of PMO during the year. I guess I?m a bit geeky his way and I have quite a bit of data in Excel including graphs of various parameters. The long and the short of it is that 2019 was no better than 2018 although it started off well. Part of this lack of progress may be due to additional stress at work and other factors which ramped up last year. However it does indicate that to really make progress I need to change something or add something new to my regime.
Hence I?m also joining an online, commercial program with an app that gives me several small training and evaluation tasks to do every week and regularly prompts me to engage with it. Since one of my weaknesses is that I?m not consistent with my journaling and other good habits, being prompted and also getting ?rewards? for small achievements may help. I?m also seriously considering getting some professional counselling for a period to help give my recovery an extra boost.
I will continue to read here and post on occasions.

Good luck everyone. Keep trekking.

 

[J01]

I was glad to see at the end of your post that you are going to stay around here.  You have provided encouragement for me and many others in this forum.  Hope you are able to make the adjustments and take the steps necessary for a fruitful 2020. 

 

[joepanic]

Hey BigMog    I have to say  Geeky is good  I am 48 years old and I up untill I was 24 I lived the just get up  and go to work every morning  than I just quit a really good job to start a business with a buddy  We had no idea what we were doing but it certainly was fun  as we were going tio be millionaires  long storu short  we went broke  But it planted a seed in my brain at that time  and I got really interested in wanting to be organized planning things and analizing data  has felt really cool ever since  Gives me a small sence of purpose    Sp yes if this helps you in your recovery  by all means incorporate it into it

    cheers

    Post often it helps me it hel[s you

 

[BigMog]

So I?m still trekking in 2020,

Thankyou for your support Jixu and JoePanic,
Of course I?ve noticed over the last year that you support many others on the forum-you are good people!

I?ve continued to read posts on the forum and even replied once or twice.

Things are going ok so far with the slightly changed regime. Having to do a little homework set by the app  every day or so seems to be helping to keep me on the straight and narrow at the moment. Of course it?s not just avoiding porn that?s important but making positive changes to my whole life, hence increased ambition with my fitness, regular mindfulness and generally trying to use my time constructively with reading and of course interacting better with my family. There are even slight indications of an improved physical relationship with my wife.
Also I?m intending to be more diligent at work. I guess I?m very lucky to be employed by a good company, so if I can be more diligent, less stressed and have a generally more positive outlook on it that would all be to the good.
I?m trying to get into the habit of asking myself ?What can I do in the next five minutes that is useful, constructive, kind or nurturing for myself or others.? At least it means I may start doing something positive  instead of idle hands/brain starting the wrong sort of activity.

Good luck all and keep working to win this fight.

20 Days Clean

 

[joepanic]

Hey BigMog

    nice going on the 20 days  1 more day to the 3 week mark  Like you  I found  that I needed to not only stay away from porn  but I needed to make sure that that time was filled with more constructive endeavors.  Once again to me that was a part of breaking the patterns  which I think  was the most important poart of my reboot  Stay the course and be sure to come and let us know your victories  as well as your failures so we can all learn  from each other

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you 

   

 

[BigMog]

Thanks JoePanic,

So now I?m at 40 Days. This is by far the longest streak I?ve had for almost a year. I?ve had a couple of mild triggering and craving incidents but was able to navigate away from them. I?m keeping up with the online programme that gives me a few tasks to do every week. This seems to be working so far in that I am regularly reminded that I need to keep vigilant and that the battle to be clean is ongoing. Having my IT equipment with safeguards on it so I can?t just idly access porn or even any triggering material (e.g on YouTube) definitely helps when I have the occasional unguarded moment.
Still working on generally improving myself by reading, socialising and exercise.
Keep trekking everyone!

 

[BigMog]

Still here, still trekking. I had a few weeks of stumbling around after a really good start to the year. But I?m gradually getting back on track.
Keep trekking everyone.
30 Days Clean

 

[joepanic]

Hey BigMog

      Nice going on 30 days    In just under 2 years it took me a bunch of 30 days streaks or 2 week streaks  or one being 4 months  ect before I found victory.  I think the biggest take away was that I was breaking old patterns, routines and habits and using the time to begin new ones  No one said this was going to happen over night  for me it was 2 years  but  now all I can say is life has never been better  and i know there are even more better things to come

  cheers and aim for 35 days  that gives you 5 weeks  small victories  are still victories

    Post often it helps me it helps you