tom386
Member
Hello everyone,
I'm 24 years old and have been a porn addict since I was about 11. When my wife and I first got together many years ago, I promised that I would stop looking at porn. I thought it would be so easy to just stop, but at that point I realized that I was an addict as much as any drug addict you read about. What progressed from that promise were years of guilt, shame, and lies; always wanting to give it up but never having the strength to follow through hours or even minutes later. My wife believes that I stopped looking at porn years ago, and that's the person I try to become when we are together, but when I'm alone I turn back into the prisoner of my addiction.
Apart from the constant lying (somehow over the years I have been very lucky and have never gotten caught) and obvious negativity of being an addict making me want to stop, I am also diametrically opposed to porn on a philosophical level, as I consider myself to be an anti-porn feminist. However, this isn't what has finally led me to seek external help for my addiction. In a few years we will start having children, and I cannot let this addiction taint my parenting in whatever insidious unconscious ways it can. I had always told myself that I would stop before we got married, but having children is the true hard line. I cannot and will not be watching porn when I am a parent, and I know that I need to really work towards that goal now before it's too late.
I find that loneliness is my biggest trigger, as I spend several hours at home by myself every day. I don't have any problem with M or O, although I do them a lot. On some advice that I read online, I tried to stop M, but my wife found that I became depressed in general if I quit on purpose for more than a few days. With my wife's feelings in mind, my goal is to stop looking at porn, but not hold back on M or O.
I hope that reaching out to others will finally stop my addiction.
edit:
Below you will find my chart for percentage of the last 60 days in which I have P and PMO. The blue line represents P and the red line represents PMO.
I'm 24 years old and have been a porn addict since I was about 11. When my wife and I first got together many years ago, I promised that I would stop looking at porn. I thought it would be so easy to just stop, but at that point I realized that I was an addict as much as any drug addict you read about. What progressed from that promise were years of guilt, shame, and lies; always wanting to give it up but never having the strength to follow through hours or even minutes later. My wife believes that I stopped looking at porn years ago, and that's the person I try to become when we are together, but when I'm alone I turn back into the prisoner of my addiction.
Apart from the constant lying (somehow over the years I have been very lucky and have never gotten caught) and obvious negativity of being an addict making me want to stop, I am also diametrically opposed to porn on a philosophical level, as I consider myself to be an anti-porn feminist. However, this isn't what has finally led me to seek external help for my addiction. In a few years we will start having children, and I cannot let this addiction taint my parenting in whatever insidious unconscious ways it can. I had always told myself that I would stop before we got married, but having children is the true hard line. I cannot and will not be watching porn when I am a parent, and I know that I need to really work towards that goal now before it's too late.
I find that loneliness is my biggest trigger, as I spend several hours at home by myself every day. I don't have any problem with M or O, although I do them a lot. On some advice that I read online, I tried to stop M, but my wife found that I became depressed in general if I quit on purpose for more than a few days. With my wife's feelings in mind, my goal is to stop looking at porn, but not hold back on M or O.
I hope that reaching out to others will finally stop my addiction.
edit:
Below you will find my chart for percentage of the last 60 days in which I have P and PMO. The blue line represents P and the red line represents PMO.