Reboot on 24 Jan 19

N

Null1011

Member
I was introduced to porn when I was 14 year old. I was shy as a kid. I was not hooked on to it at that point.

During my sophomore years, the addiction started increasing to once a day and my life started to go downhill. I would get angry over small stuffs, fight with friends, would go out less, kept isolated.

This has continued for 4-5 years now. Now I feel so pathetic like something bad would result in or I will fuck up big time real soon. In my college, my peers were the best of all people I met till now. Still I did not have that emotional connection with them as they have among themselves, which I really desire. In social settings, I feel clueless, I almost don't speak anything, just nod along, wishing when can I get out of this, the entire time feeling nervous. Career wise I am doing fairly good, but the connection with people is really missing. I feel empty inside. I have had suicidal thoughts many times over these years. In these years I have rebooted and relapsed a couple time with the longest stretch of 3 weeks. During this time, I had a glimpse of the power of nofap, how it could help me.

I started reboot on 24 Jan 2019 and aiming for the 90 days NoFap. I would report the highs and lows in the NoFap period, occasionally. I have to be back in the game. Wish me luck!
 
N

Null1011

Member
Day 2: Feeling just okay. The day has been productive. Very less feelings of low. Did not freak out much. My boss asked about my progress, I replied back quite comfortably, holding the ground. I am not at the heights of confidence at the moment but the incessant freaking out nature is quite decreased. This was just one day and I am seeing progress. Had a few urges but overcame them for the better.
 
Pete McVries

Pete McVries

Active Member
Have you thought about shifting your identity as a porn watcher? Right now, you are someone who doesn't want to watch porn anymore. But what if you were someone who simply doesn't watch porn?

You know, for some time now, I've been trying to abstain from porn with very little success. I would relapse everytime after 5-7 days...

What I did then, I got some weed from a friend (and I never smoke weed, and I haven't had smoked in more than 10 years before) and I got high. I did it because I just wanted to get high and escape reality. But what happened was, I was able to get into a mode of introspection. I read tons of stories of guys whose lifes have been ruined by porn in one form or another. And I'm one of those guys, it hit me. I'm fucking 31 years old with severe PIED. If I continue this route, I'm in for a bleak existence. I need to stop this shit asap or it might cost my life. I'm not kidding.

So, after reading those stories, I stumbled upon an article that stated that it is important to shift your identity whenever you want to change a habit (which compulsive P use basically is). So while still being high and in introspection mode, I was able to do so. I went from trying to stop watching P to a guy who simply doesn't watch P anymore.

Since then, I'm a 100% clean from porn and masturbation. It has been 21 clean days so far. And you know what, I haven't even had the slightest urges to peek or watch p. Again, normally I would hopelessly relapse after a week.

What I'm saying is, get yourself in a mode of introspection whether it is through meditation, weed, clear thoughts during a hot shower or whatever. Take a deep look at yourself. Ask yourself, why you are still relapsing despite the negative consequences. Why can't you let go yet. Map out your life as a p watcher and as a non p watcher. What would be the differences? Make it clear for yourself that not changing this P habit could or would have drastic negative consequences. And when you are done, switch your identity. You are a guy who simply doesn't watch porn. You are not trying your hardest to abstain and not watch anymore, you simply don't. I was one of those guys who were obsessed with staying clean. I would count the days and try my hardest to not relapse only to relapse an hour, a day, or a week later. Now, I don't even think about not watching porn anymore. It is like a huge weight has been lifted of my mind. No more battles with myself.

I know, it sounds weird and like hippy shit but it honestly has done wonders for me. Maybe, it could help you too, who knows.

Anyways, good luck on your journey.
 
N

Null1011

Member
This strategy of shifting the habit of being a compulsive P user to a guy who doesn't like P anymore is quite good. In this way one doesn't need to be in constant battle with one's self. Moreover the introspection might bring out some serious revelation. Happy to know that that weed served you with good purpose.

For me it seems like I haven't grown up a little in the last 5 years due to the my self imposed social exclusion (which maybe due to the regular usage of P and MO), while my peers have progressed to great heights. I want to grow and be a part of this civilization by effectively contributing to it, and not be some guy who just passes the time of the day. I have to make a hell of a change. Thank you for the input. The introspection might be the thing I needed. And kudos to you for crossing the 21 day mark (w/o much thinking about it).
 
N

Null1011

Member
Its been a week since I've updated, so here is the log:

Day 1 - 6: Clean
Day 7: Relapsed

On 7th day I thought to give myself some reward for going a week clean. So while looking at P (after abstaining of 6 days) I started noticing how fake the it is. How far off it is from the real. I wasn't getting the urge to fap to this, but because I was halfway through I fapped anyway. I thought the consequence would not be much. The day that followed, my concentration level was low and I could not focus and work. I have wasted the day binge watching.

The first 6 days were good. They were productive. Now I will try to go clean atleast for 2 weeks. Finger crossed.
 
Rakses

Rakses

Member
Hey Null. Keep it up buddy I'm with you.

In terms of social level i find it best to just work on yourself and don't trust anybody. We are seeking for people to hang out with just to fufill a gap within us but it is as fake as porn. We are complete human beings by our own. We just have to see that :).

I'am here for you on this journey. I also just started let's do it!!!
 
B

blueRaccoon

Active Member
Null1011 said:
Its been a week since I've updated, so here is the log:

Day 1 - 6: Clean
Day 7: Relapsed

On 7th day I thought to give myself some reward for going a week clean. So while looking at P (after abstaining of 6 days) I started noticing how fake the it is. How far off it is from the real. I wasn't getting the urge to fap to this, but because I was halfway through I fapped anyway. I thought the consequence would not be much. The day that followed, my concentration level was low and I could not focus and work. I have wasted the day binge watching.

The first 6 days were good. They were productive. Now I will try to go clean atleast for 2 weeks. Finger crossed.
Click to expand...

It's a journey and there will be a few setbacks what matter is you continuing on the road.
When I relapse, I know that the day would be wasted if I keep on returning to porn for feeling bad about the relapse itself. I throw my device away and try either go out of the house for a walk or just to sleep. Walking in nature and/or talking to a friend has saved me many times when I am on the verge of relapsing.
Obviously, it all happens if I have not turned into porn consuming zombie post relapse. There have been some days when even knowing all the above stated I have given up to porn.  I am hoping to create a ritual for 1. When I have intense urges and 2. To get control of myself if I relapse. So that I do not have to think about what to do in the two circumstances.
Do whatever works for you.  ;D

 
R

Rebooter2019

Active Member
Hey Null,

Everyone here as some really good points. Like Rakses said, It's true that if your never learned to love and not bashing youself because of the things you have to work on(aka weaknesses), trying to fill the gap with people will just make the void you feel bigger each time your alone. If you want to have a social life, you can have it, but have it to complement you and not fill you. Otherwise, you'll just exchange an addiction for another and ultimatly you will not be happier.

We're all in this journey together and to tell you it has been more than 2 years that I've tried to Reboot by myself and it is hard, but the harder you are on yourself and the harder you will binges everytime you relapse.

I won't paraphrase everyone, because they all have really good argument. I will just tell you what I do to help me in this journey. I avoid sitting at my computer at least for the first 2 weeks following a relapse and after each time that I comme out of a flatline, because I get huge urges when I don't do something. I keep myself busy as much as I can. I do weighted calisthenic bodybuilding, I meditate(which is so awesome that I can stop recommending it), I come here to read stuff and try to help people in my situation. I really feels great when I have even the smallest sensation of helping somebody. I don't go on youtube, instagram, facebook, snapchat, dating app and anything that could have provoking picture of a woman. I don't play video games, because I don't want to switch an addiction for another. And I try to talk to people as much as I can and especially having fun is the goal at that time not please them whatsoever. Obviously, I don't have fun despite them, but rather with them.

I've come a long way, because like you, 8 years ago, I was hiding in my home. I had GAD and was borderline paranoid,plus I had a major depression and was suicidal. I couldn't concentrate on one thing more than 2-3 min and was so anxious that the skin of my hand would peel off in really really large quantity. Took me 3 years to get out of that. Since then I kept improving, learn to love myself and it was really worth it. The Reboot is the next big thing I'm doing to improve myself and get better. If I could get out of all that, you can too and we're all here to support you in the process. I was alone back then, but not anymore and neither you are :)
 
N

Null1011

Member
Thank you so much for your comments @Rebooter2019, @blueRaccoon, and @Rakses. It has kind of opened a new dimension which I was not aware of. Unknowingly, I have always looked up to approvals from others so as to validate myself, which has grown a lot lately. I need to remind that I am me, MYSELF, mine, with my own unique flaws. I just need forgive myself, love myself, be myself and improve upon my weakness.

Thanks alot people.
 
R

Rebooter2019

Active Member
@Null1011 if it can help you I'm more than happy to have taken some of my time to write these posts :) That the main goal of this forum after all!

Ultimately, be who you want to be. You can be whoever you want to be. Who you are today is not who you will become at the end of this journey and not even who you will be tomorrow ;)

Keep clean and stay strong my friend.
 
N

Null1011

Member
I have relapsed numerous times these days and felt real bad. PMO a vicious circle that I am trying to break.

I am going one more time. I hope I can really make it this time.
 
C

Circle

Member
Null1011 said:
I have relapsed numerous times these days and felt real bad. PMO a vicious circle that I am trying to break.

I am going one more time. I hope I can really make it this time.
Click to expand...

Just put them behind you. As long as you don't give up hope, you can make it.

What caused you to relapse?
 
N

Null1011

Member
Circle said:
Just put them behind you. As long as you don't give up hope, you can make it.

What caused you to relapse?
Click to expand...

Thank you for the support Circle. Previously I had kept clean for a week and later gave in thinking of having a little recreation, which led me to this abyss. That one day cost me so much.
 
N

Null1011

Member
Had numerous relapses these couple of months and now I am 4 days clean. Took a vacation to reflect back on life and it seemed like a lot of years have passed by and I didn't really grow. Now I really want to be more socially active.
 
N

Null1011

Member
Day 6 - clean

Today is the sixth day I have been clean. Random explicit images keep flashing in my mind when I am alone and it is taking huge willpower not to give in.

Energy was pretty low during the day, maybe the body and mind is trying to equilibrate.
 
J

J01

Guest
Hope you are still doing good in this new effort and have found ways to be more socially active as you mentioned.  It can be hard to get going again but it is worth it-don't give up ! 
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top